Who knew Aesop’s Fables was a pickup bible?
I assume you’re all familiar with Aesop’s story of the fox and the grapes: A fox wants some grapes, but can’t reach them. He walks off in a huff, sniffing that the grapes are probably sour anyway. The moral: “Any fool can despise what he can not get.”
The moral that pickup guru Heartiste draws from the story is a little different. As he sees it, the fox is a super cool alpha male who’s come up with an awesome way to put those slut grapes in their place.
In his latest blog post, Heartiste reports on the phenomenon of the “No Girl” – that is, a woman who turns down your advances before you’ve even said a word by putting up her hand and saying “no.” (Apparently this is a thing.) One of Heartiste’s readers wants to know what he can do to “to salvage and optimize the interaction.”
Heartiste starts off by assuring his readers that the No Girl’s grapes are definitely sour.
The No Girl is usually a 6 or 7 who thinks she’s a 9. Her autonomic rejection is an act put on for the purpose of self-medicating her ever-vigilant ego. Truly beautiful women will rarely do this because 1. they aren’t approached that often by men and 2. they don’t have to prove their worth with SMV striver antics.
Also, No Girls’ elbows are too pointy.
As Heartiste sees it, you need to let these gals know that their grapes are sour – but without sounding too much like the whiny baby that you are. Or, as Heartiste puts it:
[D]isplaying resentment or feeling insulted will redound to the No Girl’s victory. If you want to turn a No Girl into a Good To Go Girl, you’ll need a honed reaction that at once conveys your imperturbability and your cocky disregard for her faggy theatrics.
But fear not, dear readers, for Heartiste has some brilliant retorts you can use to totally show how awesomely alpha you are. Here are a couple of them, which I am not, I repeat not, making up:
“Hey chill out, I was just gonna tell you you have food on your face.”
“Hey chill out, I came over to talk to your friend.”
And the coup de grace:
“No, you don’t use Palmolive. Have you seen your callouses?”
In your face, ladies! YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SOUR!
In the comments, Heartise’s readers offer some of their own brilliant ideas. Again, I am not making any of these up.
“Eww, it looks like you’ve pitted out that blouse really bad.”
“Put your arm down, you’re attracting flies.”
“Raise your hand if you have a yeast infection.”
“Um…I was going to ask if you were one of my sister’s friends. She died last month. Have a nice day.”
“Your hands look like my grandma’s”
“Yeah when I saw no guy around I kinda figured you don’t swallow…you just won me $20.”
Some of them get a little … weird:
“Yeah… I know. I can smell it. You’re not ovulating.”
And threatening:
“10.000 years ago I would be raping you right now. Damn civilization. “
My favorite, though, is this one:
“Hey, whore I play hockey. You know what’s going on so shut up. You should be glad this God’s gift to women even looks you in the eyes.”
Uh, what does hockey have to do with anything?
Can any of you come up with even more brilliant retorts?
A simple, “Sorry to bother you,” and walk away, but that’s totally Beta. Actually, that’s more Mu or whatever their scale is.
I figure if you’re gonna go Alpha, stuck to the classics. “Fuck you dumb bitch!” Let’s her know you were never interested, and tells her what kind of man she’s passing up on!
Hilarious. I find it very difficult to believe this has actually happened to any of them, rather than something they saw in a movie.
Sorry, I’m still working through his original comments. Self-medicating one’s ego? Beautiful women are not often approached? Faggy theatrics?
And, of course, the suggestions they offer that are suppose to not seem defensive are … defensive. And whiny.
Wait, did he just say that women can prove their worth by rejecting him? Sounds about right.
I’m not surprised that the “No Girl” is such a thing that he’s experienced. Imagine the creep coming up to you – he’s got CREEP written all over him. He probably regularly, daily, approaches women, creeps them out before he even gets close to them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he daily gets near any number of women and they tell him to go ‘way. I’ve been polite and rude to pestering creepy dudes. Been called a bitch. Boo hoo. Brrrr, the creeps.
It is fairly common on public transportation for random d00d to demand that you give him your attention. Talk to the hand sometimes works and sometimes leads to do00d shooting you in the head. No srsly. It is on the news.
Sitting around waiting for your SMV to rise in order to attract your deserved 18 year-old virgin 10 sure makes you bitter.
Urm, “autonomic”?
Using hard words you don’t know the meaning of is totally alpha.
“You must be the type that doesn’t want a man who will love and respect you, you fat whore bitch.”
“You just missed out on the best thing that could have ever happened to you. You will live a life of loneliness and despair.”
“How dare you. Didn’t you leave the house today just so you could meet me?”
Dudes do this to me…after they obviously ask me out and I politely say no. “I wasn’t asking you on a date, I just thought we could hang out. You’re so full of yourself I would never date you anyway.” Cool story bro.
And that is reason 587 why I hate men.
Urm, “autonomic”?
Apparently using big words you don’t know the meaning of is totally alpha.
“Dear Heartiste: I have followed your advice religiously, to the point where my reputation as being an asshole to women is so well-known that women are rejecting me before I can even deliver my first neg! What do I do?”
“Dear Person Foul Enough To Take My Advice: Quick! Use her ‘no’ and turn it into an opportunity to neg her! Then you’ve got your foot in the door and she’ll go from a No Girl to a Good To Go Girl!”
Meanwhile, back in reality, if a woman is so unnerved, alarmed or otherwise bothered by you that she explicitly rejects you before you’ve so much as opened your mouth, you might want to consider that for whatever reason, she wants you to leave her alone badly enough that she’s willing to be blunt and rude about it. Do so and you’ll both be happier for it.
I doubt women are raising their hands and saying No at him, but I do not doubt that they are raising their hands and probably also turning away to give him body-language clues that they are not interested in interacting. To any rational person, this would be excellent information for the dude to have: he knows she isn’t interested, so he doesn’t waste his time putting the moves on her. He actually wins when she signals honestly that she is onto him, and he is able to move on to someone else without investing a lot of time and energy on a hopeless cause.
But of course this bunch doesn’t see it that way. They are more interested in punishing and humiliating women who are not interested in interacting and indicate as much up-front. Saving time is much less important to them than putting those ladies in their place, after all, their place being “smiling fake smiles and laughing fake laughs while hoping this loser gets bored, and planning for an escape in the event that he doesn’t.”
This is how we know that men are intrinsically logical and rational: because they put their hurt fee fees over everything, including raw efficiency.
“No, you don’t use Palmolive […].”
-“Dont fret, these hands will never come near your dick anyway”.
I don’t want to derail the topic, but here’s a very brief detour – I was reading a posting from today on RoK “A Typical Day in the Patriarchy” and there’s a comment by MortSubite where he’s trying to show by reasoning (actually, it doesn’t matter). Using a source to support his argument, he decides to quote Sherlock Holmes – “Eliminate all other factors, and the one which remains must be the truth.”
Which actually explains a LOT about how they use “logic” to come to their “truths”.
Sorry for the detour, had to share – back to the sadly, extremely regularly scheduled programming of men harassing women on public transportation. It’s like Seinfeld reruns, I swear (them doing it, not us talking about it).
Also, there are people who plain out do not listen to a polite no. (This is pretty much universal, and is not limited to men hitting on women, but it’s pretty noticeable when the two align). It’s difficult to deal with these people because they will not listen to a politely phrased no, they hear it as a ‘the yes I want to hear is just a few repetitions of my request away’ and when you finally blow up at them and shove their face in the ‘no’ they were refusing to hear, they play the ‘well you didn’t have to be so nasty about it’ card when yes, you actually did need to be forceful because they made it clear that they wouldn’t listen to anything less.
Argh, so true it makes me exasperated just thinking about it.
A note to Fartiste, should he check out WHtM’s comment section:
It is so sad that you have to come up with such mental gymnastics for why a woman would turn you down. She’s not trying to earn points when she turns you down cold, Fartiste. She just does not want anything to do with you. You know, like people in general want nothing to do with you. She isn’t acting. Pick up bullshit is a huge turn off. You are a huge turn off. Even the women you don’t think are as beautiful as they should be to have options and standards, have options and standards. Trying “You can’t fire me! I quit!” when you try your PUA crapola and get rejected will not make her think you’re more attractive. It makes you look even more insecure and pathetic than you already do. She had your number when she told you “NO” and that means she already knew you wouldn’t handle rejection with any dignity. Men who randomly harass women for sex rarely do. She felt relief when you went away, not regret. Your how to’s usually read like a recipe for becoming abusive, lonely and bitter. This one read like a kid who claims he didn’t want to stay up anyway when he get’s sent to bed early. Have you ever considered not showing the world how remarkably bitter, bigoted and insecure you are by blogging about it? Because if I were you, I would not advertise my shortcomings so enthusiastically.
Guy: “Well I’m sure your grapes were sour anyway.”
Girl: “…What?”
Or Perhaps…
“No may mean no to you, but it’s really a maybe and you just don’t realize it yet.”
Or is you were a fan of cartoons…
“Well, you really smell like dog buns.”
In slight seriousness, he does realize that by coming up with a whiny and insulting retort, it just shows that his pride was actually hurt right? Oh, who am I kidding?
“Yeah, well, you’re fat.”
Fartiste’s encounters with the No Girls sounds like the only true thing he’s written (except his comebacks). I’m sure he has lots of experience being turned down.
So… Even aside from the fifty other reasons why women would turn his creepy ass down before he starts acreepin’, what if they say no because they’re dating/married or gay (or both)?
Some terrible ripostes (that are still better than Fartistes) to a hand block:
“Yeah, well, your mom’s a monopsony. She’s only got one buyer.”
“Yeah, well, you’re so fat you’re like a fractal. You’ve got infinite dimensions.”
“I was going to ask that lamp-post out, actually. It’s got more personality than you. I can tell this, even though it’s the first time I’ve seen you both.”
“Wow, you’re moving to high fives that quickly? I haven’t even met you, yet! Chill out!”
“All hail the Great Architect!”
“Um, why are you calling for a taxi? We’re inside.”
“Hi to you, too!”
“Yes, you have a question? That’s why we raise hands, right? What can I tell you, My Young Padawan/Apprentice?” — choose between the two, depending on whether you feel sithly or jedi-like.
“Raising your hand? Clearly you’re a Nazi. HEY EVERYONE, THIS WOMAN IS A TOTAL NAZI!!!”
A thousand years ago he’d be too dead to do any raping. If he’s too frail to handle rejection in 2014, I don’t think his candy ass could have coped with any of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1014
He wishes he could rape random women with impunity though. That much he’s made clear.
Instead of raising our hands in a “No” gesture at guys like Fartiste, I recommend that women start doing this:
http://media.tumblr.com/1afa903e116873c111b414f199c29d2c/tumblr_inline_nbp76bLHVm1qa93tl.gif