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Pickup guru Heartiste: If a woman rejects you, tell her you weren't interested anyway so there TOTAL ALPHA MOVE!

Yeah, well you're a slut anyway, you stupid grapes.
Yeah, well you’re a slut anyway, you stupid bunch of grapes.

Who knew Aesop’s Fables was a pickup bible?

I assume you’re all familiar with Aesop’s story of the fox and the grapes: A fox wants some grapes, but can’t reach them. He walks off in a huff, sniffing that the grapes are probably sour anyway. The moral: “Any fool can despise what he can not get.”

The moral that pickup guru Heartiste draws from the story is a little different. As he sees it, the fox is a super cool alpha male who’s come up with an awesome way to put those slut grapes in their place.

In his latest blog post, Heartiste reports on the phenomenon of the “No Girl” – that is, a woman who turns down your advances before you’ve even said a word by putting up her hand and saying “no.” (Apparently this is a thing.) One of Heartiste’s readers wants to know what he can do to “to salvage and optimize the interaction.”

Heartiste starts off by assuring his readers that the No Girl’s grapes are definitely sour.

The No Girl is usually a 6 or 7 who thinks she’s a 9. Her autonomic rejection is an act put on for the purpose of self-medicating her ever-vigilant ego. Truly beautiful women will rarely do this because 1. they aren’t approached that often by men and 2. they don’t have to prove their worth with SMV striver antics.

Also, No Girls’ elbows are too pointy.

As Heartiste sees it, you need to let these gals know that their grapes are sour – but without sounding too much like the whiny baby that you are. Or, as Heartiste puts it:

[D]isplaying resentment or feeling insulted will redound to the No Girl’s victory. If you want to turn a No Girl into a Good To Go Girl, you’ll need a honed reaction that at once conveys your imperturbability and your cocky disregard for her faggy theatrics.

But fear not, dear readers, for Heartiste has some brilliant retorts you can use to totally show how awesomely alpha you are. Here are a couple of them, which I am not, I repeat not, making up:

“Hey chill out, I was just gonna tell you you have food on your face.”

“Hey chill out, I came over to talk to your friend.”

And the coup de grace:

“No, you don’t use Palmolive. Have you seen your callouses?”

In your face, ladies! YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SOUR!

In the comments, Heartise’s readers offer some of their own brilliant ideas. Again, I am not making any of these up.

“Eww, it looks like you’ve pitted out that blouse really bad.”

“Put your arm down, you’re attracting flies.”

“Raise your hand if you have a yeast infection.”

“Um…I was going to ask if you were one of my sister’s friends. She died last month. Have a nice day.”

“Your hands look like my grandma’s”

“Yeah when I saw no guy around I kinda figured you don’t swallow…you just won me $20.”

Some of them get a little … weird:

“Yeah… I know. I can smell it. You’re not ovulating.”

And threatening:

“10.000 years ago I would be raping you right now. Damn civilization. “

My favorite, though, is this one:

“Hey, whore I play hockey. You know what’s going on so shut up. You should be glad this God’s gift to women even looks you in the eyes.”

Uh, what does hockey have to do with anything?

Can any of you come up with even more brilliant retorts?

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kittehserf
5 years ago

Speaking of kilts, I always wish Louis would wear one on occasion. He’d look SO good in one. But nope, he just doesn’t want to. I’ll just have to look at the pic I made of him wearing one instead.

Drunklurker
Drunklurker
5 years ago

Some of the funnier ones might work on me as it’s not the response you’re expecting so differentiates the guy slightly…and triggers the challenge urge (“he’s a dick – mildly more intriguing and interesting chat potential than standard creeper?”). Or it would have done so 10 years ago when there were fewer dudes running the same scripts…
I dunno -theoretically this approach is obnoxious (based on the attitude behind it) but in reality it doesn’t bother me when they chuck rude comments at me – I don’t approach guys as I’d hate the rejection so I take it as the dark side of being the recipient of approaches rather than the initiator. Rude comments in this context don’t bother me personally (give a shit what a randomer thinks of my crusty or not hands?) I know many ladies like to have, you know, AGENCY and approach guys but I don’t (lazy and shy) and I don’t mind the snark in return for being relieved of the burden of approaching. Plus I do kinda find mild confrontation interesting or playful..so I can see how it might work. Agreed, Heartiste is a massive loser, but it’s not just insecure or imaginary girls who respond to elements of PU theory (only elements of it). I confess that I can enjoy a bar conversation with a PUA – rampant misogyny = good LOLs.

weirwoodtreehugger
5 years ago

Fuck PUAs all you want. I can’t imagine it would be any fun since they talk about sex in such a grim, angry way but you do you. Don’t expect the rest of us to enjoy it though.

Drunklurker
Drunklurker
5 years ago

No, I totally get why it would revolt others (angry contempt sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea). I guess I’m a little unsure on what my position should be in a situation like this where I don’t personally mind and can even like it, but by condoning their behaviour/validating it am I encouraging them to continue (which means other women who hate it are going to keep getting pestered)? I dither between thinking I have a responsibility to shut it down immediately (given that I do take issue with the wider context around PUA) and thinking “fuck it, even if I do have contempt for some of his attitudes, doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t enjoy the conversation/shag”.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

I can’t imagine wanting to have sex with someone I knew saw me as a fuck-dispensing machine, a life-support system for a vagina, let alone enjoying it.

Drunklurker
Drunklurker
5 years ago

Ha! Yes, well when you put it like that….I was talking about it more in the context of your common garden PUA in a bar/club, rather than “hmmm would I sexy with Heartiste?” (bleeuurgh).

I would find it hard to tell how extreme a guy’s views were from a bar chat, but I guess I wouldn’t default assume the use of game techniques = he thinks I’m a fuck-dispensing machine. But then my own particular idea of sexiness does include people with conflicting views to mine so I do hook up with some strange ones. Apparently some people are “out-breeders” when it comes to sex and relationships (the less common ground the better, differences and conflict = lady boner).

LadyMarchHare
LadyMarchHare
5 years ago

I’ve had those nights where every angry retort I WISHED I’d said popped into my head and I’d replay the scenario and add the ZINGER and imagine how it would hit home….but to pretend it actually happened that way, or that this scenario has happened to him so often that he has deployed these and other retorts is just sad on top of being delusional.