Who knew Aesop’s Fables was a pickup bible?
I assume you’re all familiar with Aesop’s story of the fox and the grapes: A fox wants some grapes, but can’t reach them. He walks off in a huff, sniffing that the grapes are probably sour anyway. The moral: “Any fool can despise what he can not get.”
The moral that pickup guru Heartiste draws from the story is a little different. As he sees it, the fox is a super cool alpha male who’s come up with an awesome way to put those slut grapes in their place.
In his latest blog post, Heartiste reports on the phenomenon of the “No Girl” – that is, a woman who turns down your advances before you’ve even said a word by putting up her hand and saying “no.” (Apparently this is a thing.) One of Heartiste’s readers wants to know what he can do to “to salvage and optimize the interaction.”
Heartiste starts off by assuring his readers that the No Girl’s grapes are definitely sour.
The No Girl is usually a 6 or 7 who thinks she’s a 9. Her autonomic rejection is an act put on for the purpose of self-medicating her ever-vigilant ego. Truly beautiful women will rarely do this because 1. they aren’t approached that often by men and 2. they don’t have to prove their worth with SMV striver antics.
Also, No Girls’ elbows are too pointy.
As Heartiste sees it, you need to let these gals know that their grapes are sour – but without sounding too much like the whiny baby that you are. Or, as Heartiste puts it:
[D]isplaying resentment or feeling insulted will redound to the No Girl’s victory. If you want to turn a No Girl into a Good To Go Girl, you’ll need a honed reaction that at once conveys your imperturbability and your cocky disregard for her faggy theatrics.
But fear not, dear readers, for Heartiste has some brilliant retorts you can use to totally show how awesomely alpha you are. Here are a couple of them, which I am not, I repeat not, making up:
“Hey chill out, I was just gonna tell you you have food on your face.”
“Hey chill out, I came over to talk to your friend.”
And the coup de grace:
“No, you don’t use Palmolive. Have you seen your callouses?”
In your face, ladies! YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SOUR!
In the comments, Heartise’s readers offer some of their own brilliant ideas. Again, I am not making any of these up.
“Eww, it looks like you’ve pitted out that blouse really bad.”
“Put your arm down, you’re attracting flies.”
“Raise your hand if you have a yeast infection.”
“Um…I was going to ask if you were one of my sister’s friends. She died last month. Have a nice day.”
“Your hands look like my grandma’s”
“Yeah when I saw no guy around I kinda figured you don’t swallow…you just won me $20.”
Some of them get a little … weird:
“Yeah… I know. I can smell it. You’re not ovulating.”
“10.000 years ago I would be raping you right now. Damn civilization. “
My favorite, though, is this one:
“Hey, whore I play hockey. You know what’s going on so shut up. You should be glad this God’s gift to women even looks you in the eyes.”
Uh, what does hockey have to do with anything?
Can any of you come up with even more brilliant retorts?