Fellas! If you’ve got a girlfriend, and you don’t want to lose her, don’t ever leave her alone for more than a few days at a time, because if you do, she’ll feel so penis-deprived that she’ll cheat on you with whatever penis-having person she can get her hands on first.
That, at least, is the contention of C. M. Sturges, the woman-hating, gun-loving founder of the blog Apocalypse Cometh. And you can trust his insights on all things related to relationships because, as he boasts,
every relationship I’ve ever experienced, from my parents, to fiance’s, to my ex-wife and every other relationship I’ve ever had has gone down the crapper.
Mr. Sturges explains that all of these relationships came a cropper (or a crapper) not because of any fault in his personality, or anything like that, but simply because he was simply on the road too much. Which, as he notes, meant that
My dick wasn’t in the house.
Now that might seem harsh, but listen to me for a second. Here’s one rule of life that will serve you well and it’s a hard lesson for me but after nearly forty years of seeing it in action, it’s something you need to sear into your brain. This is it:
Once a woman starts menstruating, she won’t go for long without a dick in her.
Now, before you jump to conclusions, he doesn’t seem to be suggesting that women suddenly become ravenously penis-hungry the moment Aunt Flo makes her monthly visit. Instead, he seems to think that from the time of their first period onward, female human beings are ravenously penis-hungry all the time.
This is the dirty little secret that the medical, psychological and sociology fields won’t tell you. If a woman doesn’t have a hard dick around giving her what she needs, she is going to find that only thing that she needs to make her life complete. And that’s a hard dick. That’s the only thing she cares about and it doesn’t matter what size it is, if she orgasms, she has to have that and it is the only thing she has any care for.
So, let me get this straight: you’re saying that she wants a dick?
I know what you are all thinking, “Mitch, how can you say that with any conscious logic?”
That is one of the things I was thinking, though I wouldn’t have worded the question quite so politely. I was also thinking that the median age of first menstruation (menarche) in the US is about 12.5 years, while the average age at which American teenagers today have sex for the first time is 17; only 16% have had sex before the age of 15. In other words, most girls manage to wait for five years before having sex for the first time. I am thinking it took me all of five minutes to track down these numbers. I am thinking that perhaps Mitch is not the expert on female sexuality he thinks he is.
In any case, Mitch puts less faith in science than he does in his own (alleged) experience.
I have so many stories about fucking girlfriends of my friends, I have so many stories about my friends fucking my girlfriends … .
Huh. This couldn’t possible have anything to do with the sort of person you are, and the sort of people you hang out with?
To put it bluntly, the bitches can’t go without dick. And given their proclivities, they won’t. If they don’t have a hard dick in the house, they’ll find one somewhere. And plastic is only a stopgap, they need the real thing and they won’t stop until they get it.
Ok, ok, we get it, we get it. So what can we do?
My recommendation is that you don’t leave for more than a week. Personally, from my experience, that’s about as long as they can go without some flesh injection. Trust me on this, I’ve been studying this subject for almost twenty years. …
It only takes a few days of absence for your woman to stray. Six at the most in my opinion. But that is only for women worth fucking. Now we see the roots of feminism.
Wait, what?
Imagine if you are a woman who needs dick at the level that most women need it but can’t get it? That enrages them, they need it as bad as their sisters but can’t get it.
Pisses them off. Imagine needing something that is vital for your survival, you don’t realize what it is but you still can see other women around you getting it?
Hate to break it to you, Mitch, but feminists have sex too.
Mitch insists that he’s not “going to to volunteer to help … out” the world’s dick-deprived feminists, which I doubt is the terrible tragedy for them that he seems to believe it is.
Thus concludes today’s lesson from some dude who has no idea what he’s talking about.
Boy, he has it down to a science! I wonder how I ever managed to go 9 years between my first period and my first time.
Go online to any regular catalogues (clothes, household gizmos, etc) aimed toward women and find the vibrator section. See how many women in the reviews say their vibrators are far more satisfying than any man.
I know people who started menstruating before they were ten, what weirdo thinks they’re ready for sex!
Yeah, and even after people have become sexually active, single women usually go without PIV for more than one week at a time… seriously… Single women who are into one-night-stands will still not have a minimum of one PIV a week, every single week.
Holy shit, have a gander at wwomenwwarriors’s wordpress page.
I’ve lived with hardcore radical Marxist Feminists before and this lady makes them look like accommodationist right-of-center moderates.
I can’t believe that 10 best cat commercials video neglected this one:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7dH-Om4lYc&w=420&h=315%5D
@wwomenwwarriors
What the hell are you even on about?
You seem to be saying that, to be a good feminist, one can never have “intercourse with males.” If this wasn’t your intended message, your communication skills need work. Also: “male” is not a good synonym for “man,” any more than “female” is an acceptable synonym for “woman.”
Of course. Because lesbians are good feminists, one and all, and good feminists don’t have sex with men! Oh, wait …
“Flesh Injection” would be a great band name.
@weirwood
Aw, that makes me a little sad. I quite literally grew up with Harry Potter. Though to be honest, I was even a contrarian as a kid. My mom told me it was a really popular book, and my immediate reaction was that I didn’t want to read it. Then I did, and I was hooked.
You’re right, though–being a contrarian is fun sometimes. My partner is one too, and we pissed off his best friend recently by saying we hated a horror movie everyone said was good (“The Conjuring”. It sucked) and loved a horror movie everyone told him sucked (“Insidious”. It was creepified awesomeness). He called us hipsters -_-
“**disappears in a puff of logic**”
I was going to make exactly this reference but you beat me to it, hah. Great minds and all that. 😉
Also, has anybody heard about the new movie Gone Girl? It’s about… A woman who fakes being violently raped as revenge against her MRA husband. What the FUCK.
@M.
I haven’t read Gone Girl, but I’ve read about it. I enjoyed this blog post on it a lot:
http://interrogatingmedia.com/2012/08/20/gone-girl-and-the-specter-of-feminism/
I don’t plan on seeing the movie because it sounds like it would trigger the hell out of me and/or I would explode in a pillar of rage.
I think “flesh injection” is mentioned in Spinal Tap lyrics.
If anyone has any doubts that Adam Badwin (Firefly actor, #GamerGate supporter) has completely gone over to the dark side:
https://twitter.com/AdamBaldwin/status/518293964571418624
I haven’t read Gone Girl (or seen it) but from a lot of what I’ve read, I feel there was a lot about the character of Amy (I think that’s her name???) that has been cut from the book, and the movie kind of flattens her as a character–turning her from a complex character into a sociopathic straw person, kind of like Lisa from The Room. (I can’t believe I just compared something to The Room). Again–never read nor seen it, so take that worth a grain of salt. Just the impression I’m getting from some of the reviews.
Just tried to tell my mum about how I’ve been struggling with my mental health. She said it’s probably “just” highs and lows, and I was trying to convey how messed up I was getting, and the things I was seeing/hearing inside my head. Now I feel like I’ve blown it all out of proportion and that the meds given to me are just a placebo.
What evidence is there that Obama isn’t a merman from beneath the ice of Jupiter’s moon Europa? He’s never come out and said he wasn’t. Checkmate librulz!
Well, speaking as one of the dick-hungry ladies of the world, I believe that this guy misses the point that while we may want dick, that doesn’t mean we want just any dick, which also doesn’t mean that the dick must be equipped with a wallet or attached to a famous person, but rather that we prefer dicks being operated by interesting and attractive human beings. Also, we have a policy that a dick in hand is better than two in the bush 😉 and so when our dick of choice wanders off, we usually can wait an agreed upon amount of time for it to just wander back into dick grabbing distance before setting out on the great white (or any other color for that matter) dick hunt all over again.
Well, yeah, disappearing for weeks/months on end is stressful on relationships. Military marriages have horrible divorce rates, and this is (part) of the reason why.
I don’t know why that requires a several layers of hateful Old Dudebro posturing, aside from the fact that saying “Repeated separations are typically pretty hard on relationships and should be thoughtfully avoided where possible” is a pretty uncontroversial assertion on its own. :p
@canuck_with_pluck
What if your mom were right, and they were “just” lows and highs? Would that make them any less important? Would that make them any easier to handle? Would that make it right to sweep them under the rug and pretend they aren’t worth treating? (spoiler: the answer to all of these questions is “no”)
What if you are blowing things out of proportion? Why would that be terrible? Why is it vital for you to keep your feelings small and inoffensive?
What I’m trying to say here is that even if your mom is 100% correct (which I think she is not, but worst-case-scenario) you still have the right to have help with your feelings, and you’re not obligated to hide them under a rock and pretend they aren’t there. Worst case scenario: you are entitled to take them seriously, and have other people take them seriously, even if they are “just” “normal” feelings.
Gosh, now I am wondering what other relatively self-evident things can be said in such a way as to blame wome– I mean “bitches– but on second thought, that niche is already being filled by various elements within the manosphere.
so MAYBE I will just DO MY HOMEWORK instead.
@policy of madness: it’s why she was one of the last people I told–and usually I tell her everything. It may be her trying to convince herself that if there really was something “wrong”, she would have noticed it, even though I live 2 hours away. This right now is usually when I experience severe shifts in moods, so i’m a little vulnerable. The doctor said in May, when he put me on the meds and they started working ” let’s stay on them till the new year. If October rolls around and you don’t experience a hypomanic episode, there’s a good chance you’re BPii”. Still getting used to all of it, especially since I dragged myself to the doctor, rather than something happening to force me to go, and I know that’s unusual. Also I feel I talk about it too much, when I’m really just trying to sort out how I feel about everything. (Also I’m exhausted because I got up at 7:30 yesterday to go teach my ELL class, then worked 5:15-11:15, then went out and got home at 3. I did meet a good-looking man and got his number so…worth it?)
ALSO—@dashapants: you’re darn lucky you don’t owe me a new duvet. I nearly spat out my tea with that “a dick in hand in worth two in the bush” comment.
These guys have more contradictions than the Bible. According to them, a large % of women go after a small % of men. Since these “alphas” can only have sex with a certain number of women in any given stretch of time, it leaves a large % of women going without alpha sex. Since this % of women aren’t having sex with “betas”, they aren’t having sex at all. How do they explain that, while also arguing women go after any and all dicks that come their way? Oy my head hurts now.
I’ll add myself to the flock of happily celibate unicorns. Been about a decade for me, and, yeah, not sure I would have sex if the opportunity arose.
@canuck_with_pluck
Remember this: your mom has a vested interest in you turning out to be a particular type of person. Parents – the decent kind – want their kids to grow up to be self-sufficient, fully-functional adults, at least in part because that reflects on them as parents. If a kid grows up and is flawed (or “flawed”) in some fashion, the parents have reason to believe that they failed.
Here is a page you may want to read, if you haven’t seen it already: http://captainawkward.com/2011/06/28/912/ The topic of the question is different, but the answer is relevant to me as a mad person, and possibly also to you. So, I can understand where you mom might be coming from. That doesn’t make her pronouncement okay, or her assessment of your situation correct. Like I said, even if she is correct, you are still entitled to take your problems seriously, and to have other people take them seriously.
I was kind of an over-sharer when I was first diagnosed. I think that’s normal? But of course a lot of people aren’t prepared to hear it, and it’s not fair to spring that on them. Also: if your acquaintances are anything like mine, at least some of them will try to provide unskilled counseling services, which never leads anywhere good for anyone involved. If you don’t have a therapist aside from your doctor, and you have the capability to get one, please think about doing that. Processing your feelings is important, and it will give you a safe and appropriate space to do that.
@canuck_with_pluck
I agree totally with everything Policy of Madness says.
Makes perfect sense to me.
Also, that weird-ass “critique” post erases lesbians who use dildos.
…and bisexual women, too.
…AND trans women who haven’t had genital reconstruction surgery.