Fellas! If you’ve got a girlfriend, and you don’t want to lose her, don’t ever leave her alone for more than a few days at a time, because if you do, she’ll feel so penis-deprived that she’ll cheat on you with whatever penis-having person she can get her hands on first.
That, at least, is the contention of C. M. Sturges, the woman-hating, gun-loving founder of the blog Apocalypse Cometh. And you can trust his insights on all things related to relationships because, as he boasts,
every relationship I’ve ever experienced, from my parents, to fiance’s, to my ex-wife and every other relationship I’ve ever had has gone down the crapper.
Mr. Sturges explains that all of these relationships came a cropper (or a crapper) not because of any fault in his personality, or anything like that, but simply because he was simply on the road too much. Which, as he notes, meant that
My dick wasn’t in the house.
Now that might seem harsh, but listen to me for a second. Here’s one rule of life that will serve you well and it’s a hard lesson for me but after nearly forty years of seeing it in action, it’s something you need to sear into your brain. This is it:
Once a woman starts menstruating, she won’t go for long without a dick in her.
Now, before you jump to conclusions, he doesn’t seem to be suggesting that women suddenly become ravenously penis-hungry the moment Aunt Flo makes her monthly visit. Instead, he seems to think that from the time of their first period onward, female human beings are ravenously penis-hungry all the time.
This is the dirty little secret that the medical, psychological and sociology fields won’t tell you. If a woman doesn’t have a hard dick around giving her what she needs, she is going to find that only thing that she needs to make her life complete. And that’s a hard dick. That’s the only thing she cares about and it doesn’t matter what size it is, if she orgasms, she has to have that and it is the only thing she has any care for.
So, let me get this straight: you’re saying that she wants a dick?
I know what you are all thinking, “Mitch, how can you say that with any conscious logic?”
That is one of the things I was thinking, though I wouldn’t have worded the question quite so politely. I was also thinking that the median age of first menstruation (menarche) in the US is about 12.5 years, while the average age at which American teenagers today have sex for the first time is 17; only 16% have had sex before the age of 15. In other words, most girls manage to wait for five years before having sex for the first time. I am thinking it took me all of five minutes to track down these numbers. I am thinking that perhaps Mitch is not the expert on female sexuality he thinks he is.
In any case, Mitch puts less faith in science than he does in his own (alleged) experience.
I have so many stories about fucking girlfriends of my friends, I have so many stories about my friends fucking my girlfriends … .
Huh. This couldn’t possible have anything to do with the sort of person you are, and the sort of people you hang out with?
To put it bluntly, the bitches can’t go without dick. And given their proclivities, they won’t. If they don’t have a hard dick in the house, they’ll find one somewhere. And plastic is only a stopgap, they need the real thing and they won’t stop until they get it.
Ok, ok, we get it, we get it. So what can we do?
My recommendation is that you don’t leave for more than a week. Personally, from my experience, that’s about as long as they can go without some flesh injection. Trust me on this, I’ve been studying this subject for almost twenty years. …
It only takes a few days of absence for your woman to stray. Six at the most in my opinion. But that is only for women worth fucking. Now we see the roots of feminism.
Wait, what?
Imagine if you are a woman who needs dick at the level that most women need it but can’t get it? That enrages them, they need it as bad as their sisters but can’t get it.
Pisses them off. Imagine needing something that is vital for your survival, you don’t realize what it is but you still can see other women around you getting it?
Hate to break it to you, Mitch, but feminists have sex too.
Mitch insists that he’s not “going to to volunteer to help … out” the world’s dick-deprived feminists, which I doubt is the terrible tragedy for them that he seems to believe it is.
Thus concludes today’s lesson from some dude who has no idea what he’s talking about.
@kittehserf It’s… it’s almost as if women are capable of actual feelings and adult relationships or something. Nah, can’t be…
Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go back to crying bitterly because the love of my life doesn’t have a penis. And there was me thinking it’s the best relationship I’d ever been in… thank god Sturges was here to enlighten me!
Also, ‘flesh injection’ sounds like some kind of horrifying Silent Hill hospital monster, and not like anything I would ever want anywhere near my vagina. Or any other part of me.
Oh and btw David, I am now going to have this playing in my head ALL DAY now, thankyouverymuch.
http://youtu.be/_5IVuN1N6-Y
lacerta viridis
Nah, you’re right, it’s unpossible!
Dawn Incognito, I hadn’t seen that Pizza Cat ad. 😀
Look what it linked to on youtube:
http://youtu.be/8XWZZsGhz4Q
Hey guys? Quick aside here–WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME BILL MAHER IS A MENS RIGHTSER??
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-bizarre-outbursts-by-celebrities-you-thought-were-sane/
I mean, no one says he doesn’t say offensive shit for the fuck of it, but calling children not-people and saying women are inferior but men agree with them to make their lives easier is a little much. My boyfriend loves this guy. I’m a little upset by that weird tirade the article shows. Not sure how to solve this :-
Bill Maher is just the worst. He is the embodiment of the stereotype people apply to me all the time. It’s hard to convince people “We’re not like that” when, well, clearly some of us are like that! Look at Bill Maher!
Lea: I would love for someone to draw a picture of that.
I’ve been celibate for years and I exist but we are definitely special snowflake unicorns.
We’re a whole herd of unicorns, I guess.
Also if we are doing cat videos this one is currently my favourite:
I usually just borrow from a neighbor. Sugar, garden tools, boners – all basic household items.
Did that sentence wander in by mistake from an incel forum? If it’s true that women have an unrelenting jones for peen, can’t get it, and resent others for getting it, why are female incels so vanishingly rare?
Also, no, I can’t imagine needing something vital for my survival, and having no idea what it is. “Why, my belly is rumbling. I need to do something about it…but what? WHAT!?”
@marinerachel
I feel so disillusioned right now. Granted, that video is twelve years old, but even my partner admitted he had “”‘”antiquated”””” views on women and marriage. This goes a little beyond “antiquated” and a lot into “incredibly offensive and rather abuse-enabling”.
I know this has been posted on Wehuntedthemammoth before, but I still like it.
He also has appalling views on followers of religion, and I’m a die-hard atheist. I feel like anything that helps people through life is just fine–it only crosses the line for me with recruiting children, discriminating against people of other religions or a certain race, gender identification, or sexual orientation, or using religion to justify inhumane acts. I also appreciate people not evangelizing to me, but I understand that that is also an aspect of some people’s religion and politely explain my lack of one. There is no reason whatsoever to paint an entire following of a belief system as evil.
Has anyone watched the latest drivers. Who episode? What the fuck are the writers doing on that show?
I hate autocorrect
Yup, Bill Maher is a douchecanoe, all right. Sometimes he’ll be on target when he’s having a go at the Republicans, but otherwise he’s just another bigoted arsehole.
pillowinhell – yeah, I did. Not happy. They’re making everything and everyone manic through entire episodes, and I wish they’d give the Doctor a setting other than “in chronic shitty mood”.
So the maid, the matron and the hag land on the moon to decide whether or not to let the moon give birth. Of course it’s a one of a kind birth (all births are) and of course the good doctor has to go running off, it’s not a decision fit for a mister. The only part that didn’t bore me to death was Clara finally telling the doctor what a right inglorious bastard he’s always been.
Seriously, there is nothing to love about this doctor, at all.
I’m about ready to give up on the show, the stories keep running flat, the writing for the companions has Moffat all over it and now the Doctor is an asshole without notice the superficial charms or any redeeming quality. So what are we supposed to invest in?
@kittehserf
I told my partner he could watch Real Time around me, but I’ll make noises and faces, not necessarily in that order.
@Pillowinhell
I’m too much of a contrarian to get into Doctor Who in the first place. I’m a horror fan, so I’ll watch the creepy episodes, but people are all “LOVE Doctor Who!” and I’m all “Never! It contains almost everything I’ve ever been interested in, but I refuse to be a fan because reasons!” I am twenty-six years old, and I’m already a crotchety old lady :-
Oh, I haven’t seen that one yet, it’s on tonight. I was thinking of the one before, at the school. Same applies, though. The stories try to pack too much into less than an hour, where with the original series it was at least four episodes, nearly two hours, which gave more time for development, and things didn’t have to be so damn rushed.
I hope Capaldi’s take on the character softens a little, or they get different writers. There were moments of compassion in other eps – when the T Rex was killed in the first, and with the mind-reading whatsit in the bank one – but right now they’re not allowing anything except a curmudgeon with flashes of wit to show. The whole squabbling with Robin Hood thing was stupid. Speaking of which ep, did anyone else find the close-up of the Sheriff’s gilded hands way over the line? I know they were going to have him decapitated originally, and I think prove to be a robot, but nevertheless I thought that scene was grotesque.
I did like when the Doctor said of his clothes “I was going for minimalist but I think I got magician”. But overall, it’s like they’ve put William Hartnell’s Doctor under a magnifying glass.
I don’t like what Moffat’s done with the series, honestly.
This is hilarious (and you are on a roll, David).
Methinks there is just a tiny bit of projection involved in this “sexpert’s” reasoning. It really should have read like this:
“Imagine if you are a man who needs pussy at the level that most men need it but can’t get it? That enrages them, they need it as bad as their brothers but can’t get it.
Pisses them off. Imagine needing something that is vital for your survival, you don’t realize what it is but you still can see other women around you getting it?”
Yep — thus the moaning and groaning about pussy shortage and the inequities of the pussy market. Plus ridiculous (and hilarious at the same time) “advice” from the likes of Mister S. These guys crawl from under the strangest rocks.
ryeash – I’m nowhere near as into the new series (as in, from Eccleston on) as the old ones. Jon Pertwee is my favourite Doctor, and I wish Capaldi’s had more of his qualities. I didn’t like hearing the series was starting again at all, and thought it was a really bad idea. I’d given up when Colin Baker took over; his Doctor was just obnoxious. I didn’t like the movie one little bit, thought it was awful, which was a shame, because I liked the idea of Paul McGann in the role. I do like Tennant’s Doctor and watched a fair few of his eps. Didn’t like Matt Smith’s Doctor, couldn’t stand Amy Pond, and I hate the way they’ve written River Song since they brought her back after Silence in the Library. I did like Donna Noble, rather to my surprise (no fan of Catherine Tate). So far the best thing about the new series is cutting out all the Doctor-and-companion-on-verge-of-romantic-relationship stuff.
Wow… I had to make sure Mme Pecunium was sitting down, mentally braced, and emotionally prepared before I told her I’d seen something heretofore completely unimaginable: an MRA who made a statement which was incontrovertably, utterly, absolute, 100 percent true.
Truly the end times are nigh.
Ohhhhh, teh stoopid is STRONG with this one. In fact, there’s so much wrongitude here, it’s hard to know where to start, but…
I discovered orgasms quite spontaneously, on my own, LONG before menarche. And didn’t connect them in any way to sex, much less the penis-involving kind, until after hitting puberty. Even after learning what “that funny feeling” was actually called, and learning that it was something vaguely to do with sex, I was able to have them without any help from a dick. Which I happily did for many dickless years, until I was well into my twenties. And when I finally did it with a dude and the dude used his dick, the experience was…underwhelming, to say the least. Orgasms? I might as well have expected rainbow-pooping unicorns to fly out my vagina. I could count the number of times it happened for me after that on one…finger, actually. Nope, still no ravenous craving for dick, even though I’m straight as a stick and not into chicks. I won’t tell you how many years it’s been since I last did anything involving a dick. Thank heaven for things that vibrate, or who knows what kind of fire-breathing dragonlady I’d have become in the meantime…
And yes, size does matter. Too small and she won’t feel it, too big and she’ll feel it in the most unpleasant way. What matters even more, though, is who it’s attached to. If you’re a clumsy oaf, she won’t like it. If you smell like Roosh’s balls, she won’t like it. If you’re good-looking outwardly but insufferable and stupid in every other way, she won’t like it.
In short, dick is NOT all she cares for.
I care a lot less for dick than I do for the quality of the person it comes with. And I’m picky, picky, picky. Hence all those dickless years, which I survived just fine. Better than Mr. Relationships-all-in-the-crapper, that’s for sure.
And I wouldn’t touch his dick if it were the last one left, standing or otherwise.
Ryeash,
I hear you. I’ve avoided reading the Harry Potter books so far for the same reasons. I’ve seen the movies though. I also was a Muse fan from the late 90s to the mid 00s and lost interest when they got popular. Sometimes it’s fun to be a contrarian!
I’m conflicted about this season of Doctor Who so far. I’m really only a casual fan so it’s fun watching how controversial it’s been so far. I like Capaldi’s Doctor much more than Matt Smith’s though. I liked Tennant and Eccleston under RTD’s showrunning way more than either Moffat era Doctor though.
I’m a little drunk so I’m going to make a confession. I haven’t seen the original series yet. Gasp! It’s on Netflix so when I finish the round of shows I’m watching now I’ll start it. I only even started the reboot earlier this year. It’s just something that fell through the cracks for me.