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If you can't be with the dick you love, love the dick you're with

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What do women want? One woman-hating man has the answer!

Fellas! If you’ve got a girlfriend, and you don’t want to lose her, don’t ever leave her alone for more than a few days at a time, because if you do, she’ll feel so penis-deprived that she’ll cheat on you with whatever penis-having person she can get her hands on first.

That, at least, is the contention of C. M. Sturges, the woman-hating, gun-loving founder of the blog Apocalypse Cometh. And you can trust his insights on all things related to relationships because, as he boasts,

every relationship I’ve ever experienced, from my parents, to fiance’s, to my ex-wife and every other relationship I’ve ever had has gone down the crapper.

Mr. Sturges explains that all of these relationships came a cropper (or a crapper) not because of any fault in his personality, or anything like that, but simply because he was simply on the road too much. Which, as he notes, meant that

My dick wasn’t in the house.

Now that might seem harsh, but listen to me for a second. Here’s one rule of life that will serve you well and it’s a hard lesson for me but after nearly forty years of seeing it in action, it’s something you need to sear into your brain. This is it:

Once a woman starts menstruating, she won’t go for long without a dick in her.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, he doesn’t seem to be suggesting that women suddenly become ravenously penis-hungry the moment Aunt Flo makes her monthly visit. Instead, he seems to think that from the time of their first period onward, female human beings are ravenously penis-hungry all the time.

This is the dirty little secret that the medical, psychological and sociology fields won’t tell you. If a woman doesn’t have a hard dick around giving her what she needs, she is going to find that only thing that she needs to make her life complete. And that’s a hard dick. That’s the only thing she cares about and it doesn’t matter what size it is, if she orgasms, she has to have that and it is the only thing she has any care for.

So, let me get this straight: you’re saying that she wants a dick?

I know what you are all thinking, “Mitch, how can you say that with any conscious logic?”

That is one of the things I was thinking, though I wouldn’t have worded the question quite so politely. I was also thinking that the median age of first menstruation (menarche) in the US is about 12.5 years, while the average age at which American teenagers today have sex for the first time is 17; only 16% have had sex before the age of 15. In other words, most girls manage to wait for five years before having sex for the first time. I am thinking it took me all of five minutes to track down these numbers. I am thinking that perhaps Mitch is not the expert on female sexuality he thinks he is.

In any case, Mitch puts less faith in science than he does in his own (alleged) experience.

I have so many stories about fucking girlfriends of my friends, I have so many stories about my friends fucking my girlfriends … .

Huh. This couldn’t possible have anything to do with the sort of person you are, and the sort of people you hang out with?

To put it bluntly, the bitches can’t go without dick. And given their proclivities, they won’t. If they don’t have a hard dick in the house, they’ll find one somewhere. And plastic is only a stopgap, they need the real thing and they won’t stop until they get it.

Ok, ok, we get it, we get it. So what can we do?

My recommendation is that you don’t leave for more than a week. Personally, from my experience, that’s about as long as they can go without some flesh injection. Trust me on this, I’ve been studying this subject for almost twenty years. …

It only takes a few days of absence for your woman to stray. Six at the most in my opinion. But that is only for women worth fucking. Now we see the roots of feminism.

Wait, what?

Imagine if you are a woman who needs dick at the level that most women need it but can’t get it? That enrages them, they need it as bad as their sisters but can’t get it.

Pisses them off. Imagine needing something that is vital for your survival, you don’t realize what it is but you still can see other women around you getting it?

Hate to break it to you, Mitch, but feminists have sex too.

Mitch insists that he’s not “going to to volunteer to help … out” the world’s dick-deprived feminists, which I doubt is the terrible tragedy for them that he seems to believe it is.

Thus concludes today’s lesson from some dude who has no idea what he’s talking about.

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magnesium
7 years ago

every relationship I’ve ever experienced, from my parents, to fiance’s, to my ex-wife and every other relationship I’ve ever had has gone down the crapper.

Wait…. Is he saying that his relationship with his parents went down the crapper because…. because they missed his penis and cheated on him?! What?!

alaisvex
alaisvex
7 years ago

every relationship I’ve ever experienced, from my parents, to fiance’s, to my ex-wife and every other relationship I’ve ever had has gone down the crapper.

Well, clearly, you, sir, are the expert on what makes relationships works. Also, how has his relationship with his current fiancee gone down the crapper? Did he forget to add the work “ex”? Are they still together, and he’s just anticipating that she’ll cheat on him?

This is the dirty little secret that the medical, psychological and sociology fields won’t tell you. If a woman doesn’t have a hard dick around giving her what she needs, she is going to find that only thing that she needs to make her life complete. And that’s a hard dick. That’s the only thing she cares about and it doesn’t matter what size it is, if she orgasms, she has to have that and it is the only thing she has any care for.

And we have another man who has never heard that women masturbate or about the existence of dildos and vibrators. Or maybe he considers that to be cheating too…

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
7 years ago
Luzbelitx
7 years ago

Shorter Sturges: “I desperately need dick, but since I adhere to an ideal of masculinity which excludes getting dick, I’m going to project it onto women, and have really crappy relationships, which of course I will blame entirely in their desperate need for dick”.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

I’m guessing he meant that he witnessed his parent’s relationship break up? Of course, he’s a poor writer and did not properly convey that.

Almost every woman I know, including myself has gone more than a week without PIV sex before. Some women are lesbians, or asexual and have gone their entire lives without a dick in them! What an idiot this dude is.

alaisvex
alaisvex
7 years ago

I think that, in addition to his misogyny, he’s trying to avoid coming to this conclusion:

http://demotivators.despair.com/demotivational/dysfunctiondemotivator.jpg

marinerachel
7 years ago

These guys really do believe EVERYTHING is about peen.

Delurking
Delurking
7 years ago

Lesbians are not real and neither are nuns. Who knew?

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

I love that he boasts about fucking his friend’s girlfriends and his conclusion is that women are fickle and sex obsessed. As if he wasn’t a willing participant in that too. Why doesn’t that also say anything about his morals?

blahlistic (@blahlistic)

These guys really do believe EVERYTHING is about peen.

…It certainly would not occur to him that the reason his relationships failed was down to the non-penis parts of himself…

alaisvex
alaisvex
7 years ago

And that’s a hard dick. That’s the only thing she cares about and it doesn’t matter what size it is, if she orgasms, she has to have that and it is the only thing she has any care for.

Okay. Let’s assume that he’s only talking about heterosexual women (though he probably assumes that lesbians only use strap-ons or are all bisexual or could all be “converted” to heterosexuality by the right alphafa). How are these women supposed to know that penetration from a different cis man, particularly a cis man with whom she has never had PIV sex, is going to make her orgasm? Pensies aren’t interchangeable because the men to whom they are attached aren’t interchangeable! That’s why people commit to monogamous relationships with other people because they consider each other to be exceptional in some way. Why doesn’t he get that?

Oh wait. He thinks that vaginas are interchangeable because the cis women to whom they are attached are interchangeable to him too. (Pretty sure trans men aren’t being factored into his equation.) This is massive psychological projection.

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

He sleeps with his friend’s girlfriends and he blames his relationships failures on women being addicted to cock?

When he and his friends cheat, they do it with women. So, the problem is women because evopsych made up on the spot.

*eyeroll*

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

That’s the only thing she cares about and it doesn’t matter what size it is, if she orgasms, she has to have that and it is the only thing she has any care for.

Which is why women never have non-penis centered relationships, careers, hobbies or interests other than piv sex. Truefax: Women only experience orgasm through piv sex and that is why vibrators are so unpopular. They also have no preference for penis size and shape or the people they are part of. In fact, women have no preferences about anything because the urge to hunt peen is all consuming. They are mindless penis consuming beasts with heat vision and firey breath. Sure scientists won’t tell you that, but that’s a conspiracy.

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

When our penis is taken, women have a certain set of skills.
*giggle*

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
7 years ago

flesh injection

… I think my vagina just clanged shut.

ej
ej
7 years ago

Imagine if you are a woman who needs dick at the level that most women need it but can’t get it? That enrages them, they need it as bad as their sisters but can’t get it.

Pisses them off. Imagine needing something that is vital for your survival, you don’t realize what it is but you still can see other women around you getting it?

All I could think while reading this was, “Project much?” Switch the genders and this sounds exactly like one of these entitled men complaining about how he can’t get laid.

Also, I would just like to drop some evidence to contradict his theory. My boyfriend and I live on different continents and see each other every few months. I have not had sex with anyone else nor have I even thought about going in search of another “hard dick.” I love my boyfriend and value our relationship for a lot more than his penis.

lacerta viridis
7 years ago

I haven’t had a dick in me for three years and I have pretty much never felt better. Would very much prefer for it never to happen again, honestly. Am I doing being female wrong? Do I not actually exist?

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

They are mindless penis consuming beasts with heat vision and firey breath.

Now that I could sign up for. But it wouldn’t consume his penis quite the way he’d like.

Back in the real world: I’ve wanted one peen only since I was seventeenish, and that was entirely because of whose peen it was (and I’d no idea what the peen itself was like, on account of porn pictures of kings were not a thing back then). I did not go looking for any other peen, ever, because any other peen would be attached to any other man, and sex with any other man was and remains a repulsive idea. It took until I was in my forties until Mr K and I got together. Presumably I too don’t exist in this bozo’s world!

anemonerosie
7 years ago

lacerta viridis is clearly a unicorn who does not actually exist…

… which means that I’m a unicorn and also don’t exist.

**disappears in a puff of logic**

Ellesar
7 years ago

I wonder how this extraordinary individual explains celibacy? Oh yes – feminism! Except that a lot of celibate women are not feminist, and a lot of feminists are not celibate! And of course many of us have sex with no peens involved!

I am guessing that all his previous partners have gone off looking for ‘something else’ because he is a terrible person, as I assume he still had his penis when they left him!

marinerachel
7 years ago

I read flesh injection and my vagina resigned. It will no longer be acting as my vagina. It’s retired.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

Ellesar – not to mention that celibacy has been around for millennia, which feminism hasn’t!

::cups hand to ear::

Was that the sound of Sturges’ head exploding?

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

I read flesh injection and my vagina resigned. It will no longer be acting as my vagina. It’s retired.

Hope it has a hedge fund …

Dawn Incognito
Dawn Incognito
7 years ago

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for over a year and we haven’t yet had PIV sex. We’ve found plenty of other ways to have orgasms. Somehow I’ve managed to go without a “flesh injection” for years and haven’t yet transformed into a ravenous penis-hungry beast.

Sigh. Have a video showing what Pizza Hut would be like if staffed by cats. I’m pretty sure it’s been posted here before, but you can never have too many cat videos, am I right?

http://youtu.be/fMc87KsRA1w

lacerta viridis
7 years ago

@kittehserf It’s… it’s almost as if women are capable of actual feelings and adult relationships or something. Nah, can’t be…

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go back to crying bitterly because the love of my life doesn’t have a penis. And there was me thinking it’s the best relationship I’d ever been in… thank god Sturges was here to enlighten me!

Also, ‘flesh injection’ sounds like some kind of horrifying Silent Hill hospital monster, and not like anything I would ever want anywhere near my vagina. Or any other part of me.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

Oh and btw David, I am now going to have this playing in my head ALL DAY now, thankyouverymuch.

http://youtu.be/_5IVuN1N6-Y

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

lacerta viridis

@kittehserf It’s… it’s almost as if women are capable of actual feelings and adult relationships or something. Nah, can’t be…

Nah, you’re right, it’s unpossible!

Dawn Incognito, I hadn’t seen that Pizza Cat ad. 😀

Look what it linked to on youtube:

http://youtu.be/8XWZZsGhz4Q

ryeash
7 years ago

Hey guys? Quick aside here–WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME BILL MAHER IS A MENS RIGHTSER??

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-bizarre-outbursts-by-celebrities-you-thought-were-sane/

I mean, no one says he doesn’t say offensive shit for the fuck of it, but calling children not-people and saying women are inferior but men agree with them to make their lives easier is a little much. My boyfriend loves this guy. I’m a little upset by that weird tirade the article shows. Not sure how to solve this :-

marinerachel
7 years ago

Bill Maher is just the worst. He is the embodiment of the stereotype people apply to me all the time. It’s hard to convince people “We’re not like that” when, well, clearly some of us are like that! Look at Bill Maher!

lkeke35
7 years ago

Lea: I would love for someone to draw a picture of that.

I’ve been celibate for years and I exist but we are definitely special snowflake unicorns.

lacerta viridis
7 years ago

We’re a whole herd of unicorns, I guess.

Also if we are doing cat videos this one is currently my favourite:

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 years ago

If they don’t have a hard dick in the house, they’ll find one somewhere.

I usually just borrow from a neighbor. Sugar, garden tools, boners – all basic household items.

Imagine needing something that is vital for your survival, you don’t realize what it is but you still can see other women around you getting it?

Did that sentence wander in by mistake from an incel forum? If it’s true that women have an unrelenting jones for peen, can’t get it, and resent others for getting it, why are female incels so vanishingly rare?

Also, no, I can’t imagine needing something vital for my survival, and having no idea what it is. “Why, my belly is rumbling. I need to do something about it…but what? WHAT!?”

ryeash
7 years ago

@marinerachel

I feel so disillusioned right now. Granted, that video is twelve years old, but even my partner admitted he had “”‘”antiquated”””” views on women and marriage. This goes a little beyond “antiquated” and a lot into “incredibly offensive and rather abuse-enabling”.

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
7 years ago

I know this has been posted on Wehuntedthemammoth before, but I still like it.

ryeash
7 years ago

He also has appalling views on followers of religion, and I’m a die-hard atheist. I feel like anything that helps people through life is just fine–it only crosses the line for me with recruiting children, discriminating against people of other religions or a certain race, gender identification, or sexual orientation, or using religion to justify inhumane acts. I also appreciate people not evangelizing to me, but I understand that that is also an aspect of some people’s religion and politely explain my lack of one. There is no reason whatsoever to paint an entire following of a belief system as evil.

Pillowinhell
Pillowinhell
7 years ago

Has anyone watched the latest drivers. Who episode? What the fuck are the writers doing on that show?

Pillowinhell
Pillowinhell
7 years ago

I hate autocorrect

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

Yup, Bill Maher is a douchecanoe, all right. Sometimes he’ll be on target when he’s having a go at the Republicans, but otherwise he’s just another bigoted arsehole.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

pillowinhell – yeah, I did. Not happy. They’re making everything and everyone manic through entire episodes, and I wish they’d give the Doctor a setting other than “in chronic shitty mood”.

Pillowinhell
Pillowinhell
7 years ago

So the maid, the matron and the hag land on the moon to decide whether or not to let the moon give birth. Of course it’s a one of a kind birth (all births are) and of course the good doctor has to go running off, it’s not a decision fit for a mister. The only part that didn’t bore me to death was Clara finally telling the doctor what a right inglorious bastard he’s always been.

Seriously, there is nothing to love about this doctor, at all.

Pillowinhell
Pillowinhell
7 years ago

I’m about ready to give up on the show, the stories keep running flat, the writing for the companions has Moffat all over it and now the Doctor is an asshole without notice the superficial charms or any redeeming quality. So what are we supposed to invest in?

ryeash
7 years ago

@kittehserf

I told my partner he could watch Real Time around me, but I’ll make noises and faces, not necessarily in that order.

@Pillowinhell

I’m too much of a contrarian to get into Doctor Who in the first place. I’m a horror fan, so I’ll watch the creepy episodes, but people are all “LOVE Doctor Who!” and I’m all “Never! It contains almost everything I’ve ever been interested in, but I refuse to be a fan because reasons!” I am twenty-six years old, and I’m already a crotchety old lady :-

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

Oh, I haven’t seen that one yet, it’s on tonight. I was thinking of the one before, at the school. Same applies, though. The stories try to pack too much into less than an hour, where with the original series it was at least four episodes, nearly two hours, which gave more time for development, and things didn’t have to be so damn rushed.

I hope Capaldi’s take on the character softens a little, or they get different writers. There were moments of compassion in other eps – when the T Rex was killed in the first, and with the mind-reading whatsit in the bank one – but right now they’re not allowing anything except a curmudgeon with flashes of wit to show. The whole squabbling with Robin Hood thing was stupid. Speaking of which ep, did anyone else find the close-up of the Sheriff’s gilded hands way over the line? I know they were going to have him decapitated originally, and I think prove to be a robot, but nevertheless I thought that scene was grotesque.

I did like when the Doctor said of his clothes “I was going for minimalist but I think I got magician”. But overall, it’s like they’ve put William Hartnell’s Doctor under a magnifying glass.

I don’t like what Moffat’s done with the series, honestly.

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
7 years ago

This is hilarious (and you are on a roll, David).

Methinks there is just a tiny bit of projection involved in this “sexpert’s” reasoning. It really should have read like this:

“Imagine if you are a man who needs pussy at the level that most men need it but can’t get it? That enrages them, they need it as bad as their brothers but can’t get it.

Pisses them off. Imagine needing something that is vital for your survival, you don’t realize what it is but you still can see other women around you getting it?”

Yep — thus the moaning and groaning about pussy shortage and the inequities of the pussy market. Plus ridiculous (and hilarious at the same time) “advice” from the likes of Mister S. These guys crawl from under the strangest rocks.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

ryeash – I’m nowhere near as into the new series (as in, from Eccleston on) as the old ones. Jon Pertwee is my favourite Doctor, and I wish Capaldi’s had more of his qualities. I didn’t like hearing the series was starting again at all, and thought it was a really bad idea. I’d given up when Colin Baker took over; his Doctor was just obnoxious. I didn’t like the movie one little bit, thought it was awful, which was a shame, because I liked the idea of Paul McGann in the role. I do like Tennant’s Doctor and watched a fair few of his eps. Didn’t like Matt Smith’s Doctor, couldn’t stand Amy Pond, and I hate the way they’ve written River Song since they brought her back after Silence in the Library. I did like Donna Noble, rather to my surprise (no fan of Catherine Tate). So far the best thing about the new series is cutting out all the Doctor-and-companion-on-verge-of-romantic-relationship stuff.

pecunium
7 years ago

Wow… I had to make sure Mme Pecunium was sitting down, mentally braced, and emotionally prepared before I told her I’d seen something heretofore completely unimaginable: an MRA who made a statement which was incontrovertably, utterly, absolute, 100 percent true.

Truly the end times are nigh.

Bina
Bina
7 years ago

And that’s a hard dick. That’s the only thing she cares about and it doesn’t matter what size it is, if she orgasms, she has to have that and it is the only thing she has any care for.

Ohhhhh, teh stoopid is STRONG with this one. In fact, there’s so much wrongitude here, it’s hard to know where to start, but…

I discovered orgasms quite spontaneously, on my own, LONG before menarche. And didn’t connect them in any way to sex, much less the penis-involving kind, until after hitting puberty. Even after learning what “that funny feeling” was actually called, and learning that it was something vaguely to do with sex, I was able to have them without any help from a dick. Which I happily did for many dickless years, until I was well into my twenties. And when I finally did it with a dude and the dude used his dick, the experience was…underwhelming, to say the least. Orgasms? I might as well have expected rainbow-pooping unicorns to fly out my vagina. I could count the number of times it happened for me after that on one…finger, actually. Nope, still no ravenous craving for dick, even though I’m straight as a stick and not into chicks. I won’t tell you how many years it’s been since I last did anything involving a dick. Thank heaven for things that vibrate, or who knows what kind of fire-breathing dragonlady I’d have become in the meantime…

And yes, size does matter. Too small and she won’t feel it, too big and she’ll feel it in the most unpleasant way. What matters even more, though, is who it’s attached to. If you’re a clumsy oaf, she won’t like it. If you smell like Roosh’s balls, she won’t like it. If you’re good-looking outwardly but insufferable and stupid in every other way, she won’t like it.

In short, dick is NOT all she cares for.

I care a lot less for dick than I do for the quality of the person it comes with. And I’m picky, picky, picky. Hence all those dickless years, which I survived just fine. Better than Mr. Relationships-all-in-the-crapper, that’s for sure.

And I wouldn’t touch his dick if it were the last one left, standing or otherwise.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

Ryeash,
I hear you. I’ve avoided reading the Harry Potter books so far for the same reasons. I’ve seen the movies though. I also was a Muse fan from the late 90s to the mid 00s and lost interest when they got popular. Sometimes it’s fun to be a contrarian!

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

I’m conflicted about this season of Doctor Who so far. I’m really only a casual fan so it’s fun watching how controversial it’s been so far. I like Capaldi’s Doctor much more than Matt Smith’s though. I liked Tennant and Eccleston under RTD’s showrunning way more than either Moffat era Doctor though.

I’m a little drunk so I’m going to make a confession. I haven’t seen the original series yet. Gasp! It’s on Netflix so when I finish the round of shows I’m watching now I’ll start it. I only even started the reboot earlier this year. It’s just something that fell through the cracks for me.

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