Fellas! If you’ve got a girlfriend, and you don’t want to lose her, don’t ever leave her alone for more than a few days at a time, because if you do, she’ll feel so penis-deprived that she’ll cheat on you with whatever penis-having person she can get her hands on first.
That, at least, is the contention of C. M. Sturges, the woman-hating, gun-loving founder of the blog Apocalypse Cometh. And you can trust his insights on all things related to relationships because, as he boasts,
every relationship I’ve ever experienced, from my parents, to fiance’s, to my ex-wife and every other relationship I’ve ever had has gone down the crapper.
Mr. Sturges explains that all of these relationships came a cropper (or a crapper) not because of any fault in his personality, or anything like that, but simply because he was simply on the road too much. Which, as he notes, meant that
My dick wasn’t in the house.
Now that might seem harsh, but listen to me for a second. Here’s one rule of life that will serve you well and it’s a hard lesson for me but after nearly forty years of seeing it in action, it’s something you need to sear into your brain. This is it:
Once a woman starts menstruating, she won’t go for long without a dick in her.
Now, before you jump to conclusions, he doesn’t seem to be suggesting that women suddenly become ravenously penis-hungry the moment Aunt Flo makes her monthly visit. Instead, he seems to think that from the time of their first period onward, female human beings are ravenously penis-hungry all the time.
This is the dirty little secret that the medical, psychological and sociology fields won’t tell you. If a woman doesn’t have a hard dick around giving her what she needs, she is going to find that only thing that she needs to make her life complete. And that’s a hard dick. That’s the only thing she cares about and it doesn’t matter what size it is, if she orgasms, she has to have that and it is the only thing she has any care for.
So, let me get this straight: you’re saying that she wants a dick?
I know what you are all thinking, “Mitch, how can you say that with any conscious logic?”
That is one of the things I was thinking, though I wouldn’t have worded the question quite so politely. I was also thinking that the median age of first menstruation (menarche) in the US is about 12.5 years, while the average age at which American teenagers today have sex for the first time is 17; only 16% have had sex before the age of 15. In other words, most girls manage to wait for five years before having sex for the first time. I am thinking it took me all of five minutes to track down these numbers. I am thinking that perhaps Mitch is not the expert on female sexuality he thinks he is.
In any case, Mitch puts less faith in science than he does in his own (alleged) experience.
I have so many stories about fucking girlfriends of my friends, I have so many stories about my friends fucking my girlfriends … .
Huh. This couldn’t possible have anything to do with the sort of person you are, and the sort of people you hang out with?
To put it bluntly, the bitches can’t go without dick. And given their proclivities, they won’t. If they don’t have a hard dick in the house, they’ll find one somewhere. And plastic is only a stopgap, they need the real thing and they won’t stop until they get it.
Ok, ok, we get it, we get it. So what can we do?
My recommendation is that you don’t leave for more than a week. Personally, from my experience, that’s about as long as they can go without some flesh injection. Trust me on this, I’ve been studying this subject for almost twenty years. …
It only takes a few days of absence for your woman to stray. Six at the most in my opinion. But that is only for women worth fucking. Now we see the roots of feminism.
Wait, what?
Imagine if you are a woman who needs dick at the level that most women need it but can’t get it? That enrages them, they need it as bad as their sisters but can’t get it.
Pisses them off. Imagine needing something that is vital for your survival, you don’t realize what it is but you still can see other women around you getting it?
Hate to break it to you, Mitch, but feminists have sex too.
Mitch insists that he’s not “going to to volunteer to help … out” the world’s dick-deprived feminists, which I doubt is the terrible tragedy for them that he seems to believe it is.
Thus concludes today’s lesson from some dude who has no idea what he’s talking about.
Wait…. Is he saying that his relationship with his parents went down the crapper because…. because they missed his penis and cheated on him?! What?!
That would seem to be the only logical conclusion. But I’m going to assume he’s just a lazy, terrible writer who either didn’t notice that this is what he seemed to be saying, or noticed and just didn’t care enough to fix it.
Well, clearly, you, sir, are the expert on what makes relationships works. Also, how has his relationship with his current fiancee gone down the crapper? Did he forget to add the work “ex”? Are they still together, and he’s just anticipating that she’ll cheat on him?
And we have another man who has never heard that women masturbate or about the existence of dildos and vibrators. Or maybe he considers that to be cheating too…
http://cheezburger.com/4412537344
Shorter Sturges: “I desperately need dick, but since I adhere to an ideal of masculinity which excludes getting dick, I’m going to project it onto women, and have really crappy relationships, which of course I will blame entirely in their desperate need for dick”.
I’m guessing he meant that he witnessed his parent’s relationship break up? Of course, he’s a poor writer and did not properly convey that.
Almost every woman I know, including myself has gone more than a week without PIV sex before. Some women are lesbians, or asexual and have gone their entire lives without a dick in them! What an idiot this dude is.
I think that, in addition to his misogyny, he’s trying to avoid coming to this conclusion:
http://demotivators.despair.com/demotivational/dysfunctiondemotivator.jpg
These guys really do believe EVERYTHING is about peen.
Lesbians are not real and neither are nuns. Who knew?
I love that he boasts about fucking his friend’s girlfriends and his conclusion is that women are fickle and sex obsessed. As if he wasn’t a willing participant in that too. Why doesn’t that also say anything about his morals?
…It certainly would not occur to him that the reason his relationships failed was down to the non-penis parts of himself…
Okay. Let’s assume that he’s only talking about heterosexual women (though he probably assumes that lesbians only use strap-ons or are all bisexual or could all be “converted” to heterosexuality by the right alphafa). How are these women supposed to know that penetration from a different cis man, particularly a cis man with whom she has never had PIV sex, is going to make her orgasm? Pensies aren’t interchangeable because the men to whom they are attached aren’t interchangeable! That’s why people commit to monogamous relationships with other people because they consider each other to be exceptional in some way. Why doesn’t he get that?
Oh wait. He thinks that vaginas are interchangeable because the cis women to whom they are attached are interchangeable to him too. (Pretty sure trans men aren’t being factored into his equation.) This is massive psychological projection.
He sleeps with his friend’s girlfriends and he blames his relationships failures on women being addicted to cock?
When he and his friends cheat, they do it with women. So, the problem is women because evopsych made up on the spot.
*eyeroll*
Which is why women never have non-penis centered relationships, careers, hobbies or interests other than piv sex. Truefax: Women only experience orgasm through piv sex and that is why vibrators are so unpopular. They also have no preference for penis size and shape or the people they are part of. In fact, women have no preferences about anything because the urge to hunt peen is all consuming. They are mindless penis consuming beasts with heat vision and firey breath. Sure scientists won’t tell you that, but that’s a conspiracy.
When our penis is taken, women have a certain set of skills.
*giggle*
… I think my vagina just clanged shut.
All I could think while reading this was, “Project much?” Switch the genders and this sounds exactly like one of these entitled men complaining about how he can’t get laid.
Also, I would just like to drop some evidence to contradict his theory. My boyfriend and I live on different continents and see each other every few months. I have not had sex with anyone else nor have I even thought about going in search of another “hard dick.” I love my boyfriend and value our relationship for a lot more than his penis.
I haven’t had a dick in me for three years and I have pretty much never felt better. Would very much prefer for it never to happen again, honestly. Am I doing being female wrong? Do I not actually exist?
Now that I could sign up for. But it wouldn’t consume his penis quite the way he’d like.
Back in the real world: I’ve wanted one peen only since I was seventeenish, and that was entirely because of whose peen it was (and I’d no idea what the peen itself was like, on account of porn pictures of kings were not a thing back then). I did not go looking for any other peen, ever, because any other peen would be attached to any other man, and sex with any other man was and remains a repulsive idea. It took until I was in my forties until Mr K and I got together. Presumably I too don’t exist in this bozo’s world!
lacerta viridis is clearly a unicorn who does not actually exist…
… which means that I’m a unicorn and also don’t exist.
**disappears in a puff of logic**
I wonder how this extraordinary individual explains celibacy? Oh yes – feminism! Except that a lot of celibate women are not feminist, and a lot of feminists are not celibate! And of course many of us have sex with no peens involved!
I am guessing that all his previous partners have gone off looking for ‘something else’ because he is a terrible person, as I assume he still had his penis when they left him!
I read flesh injection and my vagina resigned. It will no longer be acting as my vagina. It’s retired.
Ellesar – not to mention that celibacy has been around for millennia, which feminism hasn’t!
::cups hand to ear::
Was that the sound of Sturges’ head exploding?
Hope it has a hedge fund …
I’ve lived with my boyfriend for over a year and we haven’t yet had PIV sex. We’ve found plenty of other ways to have orgasms. Somehow I’ve managed to go without a “flesh injection” for years and haven’t yet transformed into a ravenous penis-hungry beast.
Sigh. Have a video showing what Pizza Hut would be like if staffed by cats. I’m pretty sure it’s been posted here before, but you can never have too many cat videos, am I right?
http://youtu.be/fMc87KsRA1w