If you can't be with the dick you love, love the dick you're with

Fellas! If you’ve got a girlfriend, and you don’t want to lose her, don’t ever leave her alone for more than a few days at a time, because if you do, she’ll feel so penis-deprived that she’ll cheat on you with whatever penis-having person she can get her hands on first.

That, at least, is the contention of C. M. Sturges, the woman-hating, gun-loving founder of the blog Apocalypse Cometh. And you can trust his insights on all things related to relationships because, as he boasts,

every relationship I’ve ever experienced, from my parents, to fiance’s, to my ex-wife and every other relationship I’ve ever had has gone down the crapper.

Mr. Sturges explains that all of these relationships came a cropper (or a crapper) not because of any fault in his personality, or anything like that, but simply because he was simply on the road too much. Which, as he notes, meant that

My dick wasn’t in the house.

Now that might seem harsh, but listen to me for a second. Here’s one rule of life that will serve you well and it’s a hard lesson for me but after nearly forty years of seeing it in action, it’s something you need to sear into your brain. This is it:

Once a woman starts menstruating, she won’t go for long without a dick in her.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, he doesn’t seem to be suggesting that women suddenly become ravenously penis-hungry the moment Aunt Flo makes her monthly visit. Instead, he seems to think that from the time of their first period onward, female human beings are ravenously penis-hungry all the time.

This is the dirty little secret that the medical, psychological and sociology fields won’t tell you. If a woman doesn’t have a hard dick around giving her what she needs, she is going to find that only thing that she needs to make her life complete. And that’s a hard dick. That’s the only thing she cares about and it doesn’t matter what size it is, if she orgasms, she has to have that and it is the only thing she has any care for.

So, let me get this straight: you’re saying that she wants a dick?

I know what you are all thinking, “Mitch, how can you say that with any conscious logic?”

That is one of the things I was thinking, though I wouldn’t have worded the question quite so politely. I was also thinking that the median age of first menstruation (menarche) in the US is about 12.5 years, while the average age at which American teenagers today have sex for the first time is 17; only 16% have had sex before the age of 15. In other words, most girls manage to wait for five years before having sex for the first time. I am thinking it took me all of five minutes to track down these numbers. I am thinking that perhaps Mitch is not the expert on female sexuality he thinks he is.

In any case, Mitch puts less faith in science than he does in his own (alleged) experience.

I have so many stories about fucking girlfriends of my friends, I have so many stories about my friends fucking my girlfriends … .

Huh. This couldn’t possible have anything to do with the sort of person you are, and the sort of people you hang out with?

To put it bluntly, the bitches can’t go without dick. And given their proclivities, they won’t. If they don’t have a hard dick in the house, they’ll find one somewhere. And plastic is only a stopgap, they need the real thing and they won’t stop until they get it.

Ok, ok, we get it, we get it. So what can we do?

My recommendation is that you don’t leave for more than a week. Personally, from my experience, that’s about as long as they can go without some flesh injection. Trust me on this, I’ve been studying this subject for almost twenty years. …

It only takes a few days of absence for your woman to stray. Six at the most in my opinion. But that is only for women worth fucking. Now we see the roots of feminism.

Wait, what?

Imagine if you are a woman who needs dick at the level that most women need it but can’t get it? That enrages them, they need it as bad as their sisters but can’t get it.

Pisses them off. Imagine needing something that is vital for your survival, you don’t realize what it is but you still can see other women around you getting it?

Hate to break it to you, Mitch, but feminists have sex too.

Mitch insists that he’s not “going to to volunteer to help … out” the world’s dick-deprived feminists, which I doubt is the terrible tragedy for them that he seems to believe it is.

Thus concludes today’s lesson from some dude who has no idea what he’s talking about.