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Anton LaVey impersonator Davis Aurini makes a "film," and it's worse than you could possibly imagine

[NOTE: The original video on Davis Aurini’s YouTube channel was taken down shortly after the post went up. So I’ve embedded the version that is, as of this moment, up on the director’s YouTube channel. I”d recommend that you download this for your permanent collection.]

Ok, so I’ve been working on a post about the latest ridiculous doings of our friends Davis Aurini and JordanOwen42 — the not-so-dynamic duo who’ve been desperately begging for money to make their Totally Serious documentary about how evil Anita Sarkeesian is. But then I watched this, and it’s too good not to post on its own.

This is Lust in the Time of Heartache, a short “philosophical” film written and produced, and  just posted on teh Interwebs, by Mr. Aurini. I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to be a comedy, but I was laughing at it from beginning to end.

There’s nothing about this film that’s not terrible and ridiculous, from the choice of fonts in the title sequence to the names of the characters as revealed in the closing credits.

Where even to start in criticizing this mess? The, er, “acting?” The pretentious, pseudo-philosophical voiceover, delivered by Mr. Aurini himself? The shrill, frantic — yet somehow also meandering — music that plays almost continuously from beginning to end? The ludicrously unconvincing fight choreography? The ill-fitting suits? The evo psych? The dawning recognition that this whole thing is meant to depict how Aurini sees himself in our “fallen” world?

The fact that this ten minute film credits a “parkour consultant?”

I’m going to borrow a couple of lines from Pauline Kael’s famous review of the legendarily stinky 1970 film Song of Norway because they offer a pretty fair assessment of this one as well:

The movie is of an unbelievable badness. … You can’t get angry at something this stupefying; it seems to have been made by trolls.

She means “under the bridge”-style trolls, not the modern kind.

Oh, and the sound is awful, too. NOTE: Dialogue is supposed to be louder than the background noises.

Anyway, just watch it. It’s only ten minutes long. And definitely stay for the final credits. You’ll see why.

But hey, don’t take my word for it. Read this glowing review, from some dude on YouTube:

Excellent writing that encompasses the transitions from one cinematic style to the next. At first I was concentrating on the technical problems and lackluster performances, however, after about 5 mins in, the pacing kicked up a notch. Well done, sir.
Well done, indeed!

 

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samantha
7 years ago

Wow. I have never before laughed myself silly and constantly yawned at the same time.

Good going, guys. Keep it up.

Bogdan
Bogdan
7 years ago

@sparky

Why is self-reflection a bad thing?

Because traits like self-reflection, creativity, and empathy are evil decadent feeeeeeemale traits.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
7 years ago

WHAT TABLETOP CALL OF CTHULHU PLAYERS NEED TO KNOW:

Never be the slowest runner in your party.

More dynamite can’t hurt. Well, it can hurt, but not as much as the most likely alternatives.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
7 years ago

Also:

Illiteracy – the most useful disadvantage to have

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
7 years ago

My reaction to Anton LaPUA (love the nickname):

What the fuck is this shit?

My response to Viro:

WHAT CAT OWNERS NEED TO KNOW:

You are disposable. If your sister stays over, we will sleep on her lap and groom each other.

You are our current slaves.

All cat litter eventually ends up on the floor. No exceptions.

New food must be provided every few hours, or your face will get prodded.

Anything on the floor is a toy. Including cat litter. May exclude toys you actually purchased.

Cords are for chewing.

Hair is for chewing, licking and/or attacking.

We always know when you are carrying bags. We plan our adventures into hallway land accordingly.

Don’t bother to resist. There is no situation that will decrease our power. We have the most powerful weapon in the world:

Spotted tabby bellies and floofy bellies:

http://i.imgur.com/mwOe9l8.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/w0pPQFv.jpg

Aylin
Aylin
7 years ago

I so loved the part about all victims “deserving” abuse…because they’re being abused. -_-

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

The video plays for me, but I couldn’t be stuffed looking at it. Skimming the mini shots at the bottom was more than enough.

Geary (@GearyDigit)
7 years ago

@wordsp1nner: it’s so funny im gonna die ;_;

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

wordsp1nner, you speak Eternal Truth.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

Floooofy belly! They’re adorable, and from the looks of them, they know it.

Funkula
Funkula
7 years ago

It’s an interesting sort of cinematic collage, since he stitched together several opening scenes of pornos (pretty depressing ones, too) and a Ninja Turtles fan film, then stuck a pretentious voiceover and unlistenable jazz over it to highlight the intellectual emptiness of the exercise. I think it’s actually quite…what? Oh. Ohhh. Never mind.

Also, re: the noir fail of filming in a charming downtown area (to say nothing of the noir fail of filming in broad daylight for no reason other than that lighting gear is expensive and sunlight isn’t), I had it pegged as Canada from the first establishing shot, because the signage advertises poutine.

Kim
Kim
7 years ago

I was distracted by the sign for “Fries and Poutine” in the window of the cafe. I really need to try it some time.

Can any of the Canadians present point me at a good recipe?

Whimsical Baker
Whimsical Baker
7 years ago

Ugh. I am so embarrassed that this was filmed in Calgary. I can only gain solace from the fact that everyone who witnessed this gong show was laughing at such a pretentious shit-show.

For some reasons that MRAs seemed to have gained a foothold in Alberta, and while there is admittedly a conservative streak in the province, most people think such antics are ridiculous.

GrumpyOldNure
GrumpyOldNure
7 years ago

Ewwww! That was Calgary, and I’m pretty sure the ?fight scene was filmed near the zoo.

I have kin in Calgary! Oh, dear God, I am so embarassed!!

Citizen Justin
Citizen Justin
7 years ago

Actually, I reckon the bloke being hit by a car was actually quite well-filmed. The other 9 minutes and 41 seconds… not so much.

blahlistic (@blahlistic)

Well, Viro, the thing that I’ve found is that if you believe a subset of people are “all that way,” confirmation bias will mean that you notice people who are that way.

Translation: if you think all women are narcissistic sociopaths you’ll subconsciously select women who ARE narcissistic sociopaths. Every. Fucking. Time.

All the good ones will never, ever draw your attention, because you’ll only notice the ones that prove your confirmation bias. That’s how confirmation bias works.

P.S.
…Next time you troll through here, please write your own material, or at least steal stuff that doesn’t look like word salad, mmmkay?

Cassie's Major Domo
Cassie's Major Domo
7 years ago

Yummy copypasta, Viro Dianc, thanks.

As for the video: I lasted 2 minutes, strictly because of the music. No way am I subjecting myself to 8 more minutes of that. I wish these wannabe noir tough guys would actually go read Raymond Chandler first before trying this.

I wonder if these Dark Enlightenment dipshits dismiss Raymond Chandler because every time they Google him, they get a picture of him holding his cat?

BTW, Chandler’s beloved cat was named “Taki” and looks quite a bit like my kitty.

Shadow_Bee
Shadow_Bee
7 years ago

Oh goodness, I adored the part at around 6:40 when the dude just starts wailing on him and to defend himself, he just has to stick his blades in front of him and steadily hold them there.

Also, does anyone know why he set his video to private? The only reason I can think of is if he wanted to avoid criticism. And well, If that’s the case, I sure hope he won’t accuse Anita Sarkeesian of trying to censor criticism in his future documentary (you know, because she disables comments on her videos! total violation of free speech and so on, according to these kinds of jackasses).

That would be awfully insincere and hypocritical of him.

Mwa
Mwa
7 years ago

You’d think if he was going to call himself a “well dress ape” he might hire a fucking tailor.

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
7 years ago

Here’s a funny creepy PM. Grammar: it is your friend.

http://imgur.com/tzqYl1t

grumpyoldnurse
7 years ago

Ewwwwwww! That was Calgary! I have kin in Calgary! Oh, dear God, I am so embarrassed!

I think the “fight” scene was filmed near the zoo.

Oh, well, I never really liked Calgary anyhow. Too expensive and pretentious and classist for me. Also, oilmen. ‘Nuff said.

Shadow_Bee
Shadow_Bee
7 years ago

Aah, I was too hasty. His video seems to be back up as a re-cut.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
7 years ago

Wordsp1nner
“You are forever our slaves”
“Buy us cat nip”
“Your couch and lap are our thrones”
“Scented Effen candles”

Ok the last one has nothing to do with owning a cat but whatever.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
7 years ago

Wordsp1nner
…um thanks for sharing.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

Chandler and black kitty! ::squee::

Have you any pics of your kitty you’d like to share, Cassie’s Major Domo?

Taki looks like a foofier version of my Hadji.

http://i.imgur.com/nD6kROF.png

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
7 years ago

Oh! Now I get it! That’s funny!

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
7 years ago

I was hoping direct imgur links wouldn’t embed. Damn.

From here:
http://www.reddit.com/r/creepyPMs/comments/2gnz97/he_owes_me_100/

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

LOL to the numbskull who didn’t know the difference between “fuck me” and “fuck with me”. Well played, well played.

Also what is a candom? A candy-flavoured condom, maybe? Tinned condoms?

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
7 years ago

Eat your shorts, Scorsese! I foresee an Oscar Nomination for Best… Documentary Feature?

Loved every second of it. And learned that it is not so much pain, as it is pompous cheesiness and hilariously un-self-reflective egotism that defines masculinity — of a certain kind of man (the fedora-wearing kind).

Seriously, that was awesome, in so many ways. The Academy should come up with a special category for just this type of, er, filmmaking (Absurdly Inane Attempt maybe?)

Cassie's Major Domo
Cassie's Major Domo
7 years ago

Here are some:

Cassie's Major Domo
Cassie's Major Domo
7 years ago

Oops, messed up the photo upload from imugr. Let me try again…

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
7 years ago

I think a candom would be a kingdom that’s contained inside a can. Kind of like a pocket universe, but in constant danger of a botulism epidemic.

Cassie's Major Domo
Cassie's Major Domo
7 years ago
Cassie's Major Domo
Cassie's Major Domo
7 years ago

AAAAH! HUGE! Sorry about that.

barbarageiger
7 years ago

That’s in Calgary! The Galaxie is fabulous for brunch and Myhre’s deli has excellent smoked meat and poutine. I used to live about four blocks away. The beautiful food does not deserve to be besmirched like that. I watched another video where stupid!Dr. Evil tries to explain how if you’re not a racist, you support genocide with the most childish, incorrect “logic” possible. He thinks a person should care about themselves, their family, their nation and then the rest of the world and that if you flip the order around nations, people end up trying to wipe each other out.

Canada belonged to the first nations to begin with, so by his logic we should go back to Europe where despite all the nations being mostly neatly divided up, they spent hundreds of years trying to kill everyone.

I don’t have the link so I shouldn’t even mention it, but I watched a youtube video that said on an island somewhere, they found a burial site where the skulls of the tribe were so different if they hadn’t known for sure they’d all come from the same place and time they would have thought they found several new kinds of early humans. There was more variance between two skulls in the same family than there was between every single person on the earth to any other person on the earth.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
7 years ago

Huge is better when it comes to pictures of adorable cats attempting to hide in odd places.

Cassie's Major Domo
Cassie's Major Domo
7 years ago

People have told me she looks like a plush toy in the second photo.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

No need to apologize for huge pictures of gorgeous black cats. That’s the very last thing that needs any apology.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

Kitty! Squee!

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

SQUEEE!

She does look very plush in the second photo.

Now I see who your gravatar is!

Cassie's Major Domo
Cassie's Major Domo
7 years ago

Yep, and she’s the source of my name (that is Cassie, to whom I am merely the house manager).

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
7 years ago

Someone (probably our Viro) apparently just tried to post his screed on http://www.patheos.com/blogs/sarahoverthemoon/. It didn’t get through, according to Sarah on twitter:

https://twitter.com/sarahnmoon/status/512799812886876161

https://twitter.com/sarahnmoon/status/512800012514754560

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
7 years ago

She’s going to tweet the whole spiel? Damn, that’s going to be a lot of tweets.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

Is Viro pasting that mess onto every feminist blog zie can find, then?

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
7 years ago

A public service announcement

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/could-we-be-owned-by-normal-people-ask-cats-2014091790749

Note carefully the third to last paragraph… HINT HINT

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

So many cute kitty pics in this thread. Yay! As to the video, I can’t bring myself to watch it.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

Now I have an image of Viro furiously copypasta spamming every vaguely feminist blog he can find.

He should get a better hobby.

taitaisanchez
7 years ago

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5wmParkppw&w=560&h=315%5D

Here’s the middle bit with the awkward fight scene in a 30 second seconds.

Puddleglum
7 years ago

I’m the slowest runner! And that’s okay. I don’t need to outrun them, I just have to outrun you.

But once you’ve kneecapped them, then they are the slowest runner…

Though I’ve found that relying on your ability to roll well enough to shoot accurately is (hahahah) dicey. Plus, the person with the gun is *always* shoved into the mystery room first. Cuz they have a gun!

Illiteracy – the most useful disadvantage to have

Sneaky DMs who like to make magical books that *everyone* can read cured me of overusing this, lol.