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Better Penis Homes and Gardens

The wrong kind of sexy House
The wrong kind of sexy House

The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive continues! If you haven’t already, please consider sending some bucks my way. (And don’t worry that the PayPal page says Man Boobz.) Thanks!

While we’re on the subject of creepy dudes and their terrible opinions about vaginas, I feel I would be remiss not to mention the whole “penis home” thing.

What penis home thing, you ask? Well, you may have heard about the recent fall from grace (oy there’s a cliché) of evangelical megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll, under fire for being a tyrannical buttheaded bigot with terrible opinions about women and LGBT folks. With Driscoll also facing accusations of abusive behavior, financial hanky panky, and even plagiarism, his Washington-based Mars Hill evangelical empire has been forced to shut down some of its local franchises.

Ok, you say, that’s sort of interesting, but what does it have to do with penis homes? I specifically asked about penis homes.

All right, penis homes. Some years back, Driscoll outlined what he saw as the proper Christian roles for our penises and vaginas. In a post on an internet message board from 2001 that’s recently been brought to the attention of the wider world, he offered these thoughts on (cis) men and the proper homes for their penises:

The first thing to know about your penis is, that … it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.

Something borrowed, something blue. Wait, that last bit only applies to balls. I assume those are borrowed, too? Anyhoo, these penises need someplace to live.

While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in.

But God doesn’t want your penis – sorry, His penis – to remain homeless. So He has very thoughtfully provided homes for these penises. Well, mobile homes, really, as they’re located within the ladies of the world:

Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.

But, you might say, aren’t there lots of places that penises can, er, take shelter in, from Fleshlights to the old standby, the human hand? Apparently these homes are not homey enough. Indeed, Driscoll warned unmarried men not to get too comfortable in these sorts of bachelor pads:

[I]f you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not.

Also, the “homes” in which women who are not your wife might possibly offer you temporary shelter aren’t really good homes either, because they belong to … other men?

[T]hough women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home.

And speaking of men, don’t even think about seeking shelter in another man’s, er, garage?

And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.

Besides, fellas, your penis ultimately belongs not to you or God but to your wife.

Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.

Just make sure you can sexually satisfy your new home with the penis that doesn’t belong to you. Learn to fuck that home like it needs to be fucked.

With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3).

Also, for proper results, make sure to get yourself a really sexy penis home.

The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).

Ok, I think I may have to give up sex for life.

Note: All of the preceding obviously only applies to cis folk; I’m sure thinking about sex involving trans folk would cause poor Pastor Driscoll’s head to explode. He should definitely never ever ever watch this video.

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blahlistic (@blahlistic)

Now I totally want to make an earthbag home with an entryway shaped like a stylized vulva.
…it’s good enough for the doorways of Roman Catholic churches, why not my house?

blahlistic (@blahlistic)

Admittedly, an Episcopalian stylized vulva- door…
http://www.saint-philips.org/online/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/door.jpg

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
6 years ago

blahtastic: Admittedly, an Episcopalian stylized vulva- door…

Hmm – if you polish that lamp long enough, does the church shake?

nixscripter
nixscripter
6 years ago

Mark Driscoll, FUCK OFF. Literally. Please. You’ll be happier.

And now that I feel better, here’s something constructive. Back when I was in college (several years ago), I gave $10 (in person at a booth) to a charity that was helping to combat peer pressure in various African countries. It was teaching young (presumably straight) men that masturbation was just wonderful, and that contrary to what their friends may say, you don’t have to go out and find a woman to have sex with — perhaps unwilling, perhaps intoxicated, perhaps who you would pay without considering her life experience — in order to “be a man”.

All I remember is that it was a rather silly name, and it contained the word Touch. Anyone know what I’m talking about, by chance?

(P.S. I do not claim to know whether that was the best use of money being sent to those African countries. It was simply a message I felt able to get behind at the time.)

aebars
6 years ago

I shouldn’t have read this while drinking milk. Gonna need a new keyboard now,

marinerachel
marinerachel
6 years ago

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth, Phoenician?

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

I’m so glad people are starting to notice how odd Driscoll is. A lot of people seem to have fallen for his persona and been drawn in to the wacky version of Christianity he represents without quite realizing just how conservative it is underneath all the distracting decorations.

(The UK had our own version of this in the 80s. It fell apart too, eventually.)

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
6 years ago

Marinerachel, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Living in NZ, we are naturally concerned with seismic protection, especially for older structures.

Honestly, some people and their dirty imaginations…

katz
6 years ago

Well, in person, it’s actually a very carefully constructed persona. He is really good at running right up to making some draconian hyperconservative point, but then pulling back and instead making a joke or some casual remark that isn’t very controversial. So the point still gets made, but the impression he leaves you with is that he’s this easygoing guy who’s not going to be a total dictator about it.

Like he loves saying that his daughters are very sweet and feminine and his sons are very rough and rowdy, and he leaves the strong implication that that’s how all kids ought to be, but he never actually says so.

I think his facade is crumbling because all this material is coming to life that demolishes the pretense that he might have meant something kinder and reveals that his actual opinions are as bad as they possibly could be.

And the only reason I’m not trapped there is because I was going to school out of state. I wasn’t even a conservative, just disaffected and impressionable, and the messaging is just that powerful. (Do you know that they have their own private Facebook clone?)

There but for the grace of God go I.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

He really does have a lot of superficial charm, so it’s not surprising that he was able to draw people in. Hopefully they’ll start seeing through him now.

Alais
6 years ago

Men don’t own their penises? Masturbation is evil? Fundies don’t understand how gay men have sex but are also very strongly opposed to it? Having sex with a woman who isn’t your wife is like breaking into another man’s home because she might be someone else’s wife someday?

Okay, I’ve heard all of this before. It’s just that nobody ever summed it up in a such a cutesy, vomit-inducing way before.

Also, Katz, I’ve heard that he’s supposed to be the cool preacher. So he swears and listens to modern music and talks about sex (but only with the wife), so people don’t realize that he’s extremely conservative and promotes a very oppressive version of Christianity.

Nova
Nova
6 years ago

@Katz: That really is the truth. He skirts around the more hardline stuff and uses humor to diffuse things that would normally lead to indignation. Nobody really wanted to believe that he was really saying the same shit as the hellfire and brimstone churches, because Mars Hill is supposed to be hip, progressive and new generation.

His words, in writing, are what does him in. Rather than his dramatic preaching style, cleverly framing the most offensive bits with pageantry and verbal sleight of hand, it’s just out there, in black and white, without the Driscoll spin.

Also, the increasingly harsh church discipline coming to light freaked a lot of people out and rightfully so. I remember one instance where… it was almost perverse, in some ways. While church discipline has it’s place, he took things way too far, got way too involved with shit that was none of his business and he and the pastoral staff had this angry mob mentality. It’s hard to hide behind humor and downplay the more extreme stuff when you’re acting like a drunk fratboy.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

Kirby, Twelfth Week of Penis is awesome, and we need someone who can record a proper singing of it.

I can practically hear the bright, cheery choir singing four-part harmony. 😀

That’s exactly how I’m hearing it. Preferably a proper church choir.

“I have just noticed your newly renovated, ranch-style vagina near schools and shopping.”

“Well, there goes the neighborhood.”

I’m glad I’m not a real estate agent or auctioneer. I’d never be able to hear “I’d like to make an offer” with a straight face again.

skiriki
6 years ago

@kirbywarp, re: penis warehouses of God

There’s a “humorous” Finnish folktale of “just so” variety to explain something…

One day God decided to make give all the men penises for fun, and made a big batch of them, small ones, big ones, straight ones, curvy ones, penises of all kinds. He told one of his workers to shelve the penises so people could come and find a right one for them, God would be personally out to invite men to this event.

But the worker was lazy (because this was before forklift was invented), so he did not want to lift big ones to the top shelves and just rolled them to lower shelves, and lifted the small, light ones to the top shelves.

So when men came in, the big and tall ones trampled smaller men to get theirs first, but of course their eyes would spot only those on top shelves. When the smaller men came later, once the big men had picked out theirs, they discovered the treasure trove on the lower shelves…

Also, your song totally wins. Here, have all the internets, tubes and kitties in it.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

skiriki, that story’s a hoot! XD

Leum
Leum
6 years ago

Some of Driscoll’s more infamous actions include writing a letter to a church a former member of his had started attending telling them not to let the former member join their church because they’d been in church discipline and couldn’t be allowed to escape it and making his pastors sign a clause that if they left they wouldn’t preach anywhere within a ten-mile (I think) radius of his church or any of its satellite churches.

pendraegon
pendraegon
6 years ago

Hey everyone, I know it’s really off topic but I just felt I should mention it since this is something I think is pretty important. Today a fairly large amount of websites are protesting what is basically the end of Net Neutrality. The ending of it like this will allow telecom companies to charge arbitrary fees to websites so that the ones who pay more will load faster. Doing so is not be hyperbolic a huge threat to the freedom and availability of any smaller website. If you want too I really suggest this website Battle for the Internet. It’ll put you in contact with your local lawmakers and let you express your opinion on this. Hope some of you will be willing to do so.

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
6 years ago

“well, there goes the neighborhood” – LOL!

When I was in Catholic school someone gave a talk where they said having sex outside of marriage was actually cheating on your future spouse. But now I know it’s actually a property crime.

ceebarks
ceebarks
6 years ago

ewwwwwww lol

I can’t believe people take any of this seriously. Didn’t he also say you shouldn’t masturbate while looking in the mirror ’cause basically that’s a homosexual act? I’m like a) wha? and b) …kind of *specific,* there, bud.

Pendraegon, your link had a few extra characters so I’m just reposting, ’cause I think it’s important. https://www.battleforthenet.com/

saphy
saphy
6 years ago

@Emmy Rae, I wish my Catholic school had said things that ridiculous. They just told us to use contraception.

Off topic:

Not sure if anyone here has seen much of the Scottish Independence Referendum news going on right now, but there was a fantastic backfire by the No campaign with an amazingly patronising and sexist advert aimed at women voters:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jimwaterson/patronising-bt-woman#2i2rhh7

Watching it, try to remember that they honestly thought this would appeal to women voters and help the No campaign.

Their response after the backlash? “It’s not sexist, we know women just like that and we totally took those quotes from actual women so it’s legit”, the implication being that if you criticise the way that women are being represented in the video you are actually criticising women and WHO’S THE REAL SEXIST THEN HUH

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

Pendraegon: I tried to click on the link and got 404’d…

pendraegon
pendraegon
6 years ago

Ceebarks – Thanks for posting the correct link for me. I have failed the internet. lol

gilshalos
6 years ago

Being Scots, I am following the Indy Referendum campaign. 🙂
I managed to avoid seeing that ad when it was broadcast, but I found the memes it generated hilarious!

pendraegon
pendraegon
6 years ago

The Scottish referendum is definitely an interesting, I’m of Irish descent so I basically support anything that makes the English look silly. 😉 I’m curious to see what will happen in Spain and with the French Territory of New Caledonia if it passes.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

William Wallace II?

No way?!?! Bwahahaha!

saphy
saphy
6 years ago

@gilshalos, it’s truly amazing how far off the mark the No campaign adverts have been in trying to convince their target audience. I remember there was a ‘If Scotland stays everyone will get a surplus’ article that went out which had a list of things that Scottish people could spend their surplus on (using helpful and condescending Lego-tableaux illustrations) which basically came down to “LOOK HOW MANY CHIP DINNERS AND FOOTBALL TICKETS YOU COULD BUY WITH THIS MONEY” and it’s like Jesus Christ on a cross do you not understand how good marketing campaigns work?

I swear, the No campaign has done amazing things for pushing Scotland in the direction of Yes because it shows so clearly how out of touch Westminster is with the entire northern nation that they are trying to woo.

8 more days… oh the tension!

@pendraegon, I understand your feelings completely. 😉

gilshalos
6 years ago

I’m hoping we get sufficient of a majority for Yes. (Last time we got a majority, but not a big enough one, since a clause was slipped in that said the percentage needed was of the entire electorate, not of those voting)
Since the last YouGov survey gave a majority for yes for the first time, Westminster is panicing badly, and starting to promise stuff for Scotland if we vote to stay in.
I’d say they were stupid for thinking we forgot what happened the last time, but a lot of people are too young to remember given it was 30 years back.
Anyhow, they promised a lot last time, including a ‘better’ Independance bill. Funnily enough, after they said the majority wasn’t big enough, all of those promises vanished.
If No wins, I fully expect the same thing to happen again. They have no reason to keep those promises. Scotland already votes against the winning party in Westminster most of the time, and it makes no difference. And we can’t just hold another referendum, since it needs Westminster’s approval.
Things would have been a lot better if James the 6th hadn’t been a pleasure-loving idiot, and moved everything down to London when Scotland took over England, Ireland and Wales.
Yes, we took over them, much as they’d prefer to think it was the other way around.
While I was raised as a Scot, I would have liked to stay part of Britain, and would happily join with Wales, northern England and Ireland, but the Westminster govt has gone totally rabid, and we need to leave it for our own health.
(Sorry for off-topic political ranting)

saphy
saphy
6 years ago

@gilshalos, pretty sure we’re not alone here: I’m certain I saw a Yes profile image in the WHTM comments the other day…

I have decided I am going to place a bet against a Yes vote so that I win either way: if it’s Yes, then Scotland wins and I am joyous! If it’s No, then I will have extra money to go and get sad-drunk at the bad news.

Amused
6 years ago

Reminds me of a medieval French fabliau I read in college, about a woman who went to bed unsatisfied (her husband had had a bit too much to eat and drink that night, which was also the woman’s fault for overdoing it on the festive meal) and had a dream about going to a penis market. Just as she settled on a penis she wanted to buy and prepared to bid on it, she woke up. When she told her husband about the dream, he asked how much vendors were charging for a tool like his. To which the wife replied: “Penises like yours were on sale by the pound.”

saphy
saphy
6 years ago

@Amused
Ha! I love me a good medieval fabliau. The vaginas are always so… well, ravenous in them.

Falconer
6 years ago

I just got given The Talk by Mark Driscoll.

I’ve never tested the limits on my hot water heater. I think I’ll go take a hot shower and see how long it takes to turn cold… then a good scrape with the thing-for-scraping-feet. All over.

Falconer
6 years ago

Oh dear, here we go.

On the twelfth summer week, my vagina gave to me:
Twelve betas begging,
Eleven suitors negging,
Ten diamonds shining,
Nine creeps a-pining,
Eight nights of dancing,
Seven concert passes,
Six fancy dinners,
Fiiive bags of weeeed!
Four alpha fucks,
Three free drinks,
Two stolen jobs,
And a home for a poor hapless peen!

I managed to hold out until the weed.

And from reading the rest of the first page, my brain is stuck trying to imagine what a hobo peen would make his bindle out of. That, and cookie-cutter vulvas set on pube lawns.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
6 years ago

This needs brain bleach
http://youtu.be/FAhB90Of9zo

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
6 years ago
contrapangloss
6 years ago

“I’m getting banned. It must be because feminists are conspiring under the rug and not because I post awful things with slurs fairly frequently.”

Not an actual quote. For the record.

sparky
sparky
6 years ago

Wow. JB sure is a piece of work.

Amanda
Amanda
6 years ago

This type of attitude is very common in fundie culture. I was raised Catholic by my family, but attended an evangelical private school and went to youth group at the local Baptist church, since the Catholic church didn’t have much for kids. At the time a lot of it seemed fun – we went on a lot of trips, and every Friday an indoor skate park would be set up inside the church gym – but looking back, I realize just how scary and misogynistic some of the things we were taught were.

A LOT of emphasis was placed on premarital sex, but primarily shaming women instead of men. As an example, one time the pastor had everyone spit in a cup, and then asked who wanted to drink from it (the analogy being a woman who had been spoiled for marriage through dirty and gross sex with other men). I see this kind of thinking all the time in the manosphere blogs – men are being robbed of the chance to “experience” women’s youth and purity like a shiny new PS-3 just out of the box, and are instead being stuck with a used Super NES covered in cobwebs. (Of course, nothing is ever said of men depriving their future wife of their purity.) The assumption is that everyone will get married, hence the emphasis on not defrauding someone’s “future spouse.”

I’ve only dated one man who asked for my “count,” and that guy would fit right in with these losers. This was back in college, and he was VERY focused on money and status, and talked about his family’s wealth all the time. He was always encouraging me to get breast implants and lose a few pounds (I was a size 0 back then!). Thankfully, we are no longer together, and I’m with a great guy who loves me for who I am. 🙂

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
6 years ago

Amanda
Good for you! 🙂

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

@ gilshalos

This was my first exposure to the No campaign, since I’m an overseas Scot, and if nobody had told me otherwise I’d have thought the actual ad was a parody. Damn, talk about failing to read your audience accurately. Are we sure there isn’t a super secret mole in their campaign headquarters working for the opposition?

gilshalos
6 years ago

@cassandrakitty

As far as I can tell (and isn’t it interesting that as a Scot, living in Scotland, I can’t be more sure) the No campaign is mainly fear tactics, bribery if we say no, with a hint of violence (we’ll cut your money and punish you even if you say no!)

Attractive, yes ?

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

It does rather smack of the idea that England sees itself as having a parental relationship with Scotland, or at least the people running that campaign do.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

On the referendum, there was an opinion piece in the paper here yesterday that said the English had been treating the referendum as “an adorable protest in a far-away place” – I’m quoting – until it looked like the Yes vote might win. The writer was suggesting that might lead to a resurgence of English nationalism, and the article essentially sounded like it would go back to the days of the English wanting to stamp on the Scots, though presumably via economics or politics rather than outright war this time. Very much a veiled threat under it all. Ugh.

On a lighter note there’s apparently a conspiracy theory doing the rounds that MI5 is behind the announcement of the Duchess of Cambridge’s pregnancy, if not somehow behind her being pregnant right now at all, because such an announcement would supposedly help generate more No votes. Never mind that an early announcement was more or less forced on the couple for the same reason as last time – she suffers really bad morning sickness – nooo, much more fun to put it down to the men in grey. 😀

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

Also hi, Falconer, how are you and Beloved and the babbies? Is everyone over all the nasty bugs they’ve had?

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

Why would the fact that a woman is having a baby make any difference to whether Scottish people vote for independence? Again, they really don’t seem to understand their audience at all.

Alais
6 years ago

Maybe they think that the Scots will want to stay in the U.K. more if it means that they’ll have better access to a cute baby? I dunno, but their line of thought is probably about that stupid.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

It is so stupid, isn’t it? I mean hello, why would this baby make people think any differently from they way they did after Prince George was born?

But remember, this is a conspiracy theory, not a real idea MI5 or anyone else had, so the sillier the better.

gilshalos
6 years ago

Sorry, for educated Scots, the royal family don’t cut it.
I mean, I admire all the good work that they do, but
a> They are not in the correct line of royalty.
b> The current queen is NOT Elizabeth II. She’s Elizabeth I. There has never been a previous queen of Britain called Elizabeth. The English/Welsh/Irish Queen Elizabeth the First never ruled over Scotland, or Britain, as Britain didn’t exist until her cousin’s son created it.

saphy
saphy
6 years ago

It’s pretty much

“LOOK SCOTLAND WE HAVE A BABY NOW

You don’t…. HATE babies, do you Scotland??”

@cassandrakitty, in the papers today Prime Minster D-Cam apparently gave an ’emotional’ speech (a claim incompatible with the fact that Tories are known to lack both tear ducts and beating hearts) about Scotland ‘breaking up the family’.
If this is a family it’s a pretty terrible one, verging on psychologically (there are widespread reports of No campaigners spreading false info to Polish communities in Scotland saying that they’ll be kicked out with a Yes vote) and financially abusive where threatening to withhold economic stability in vengeance is one of their main tactics, while holding the idea of royal children hostage to stop the Scots leaving and fluctuating wildly between “Whiny bitch, go on and fuck off, we don’t need you because you’re nothing without us” to “OhmygodIloveyoupleasestay”

There’s even a song about it:

https://soundcloud.com/stanleyodd/10-marriage-counselling

Dead bloody brilliant.

gilshalos
6 years ago

@saphy I don’t know if you have a Glaswegian accent meatside, but I can’t NOT read that in one..

saphy
saphy
6 years ago

@gilshalos I don’t yet, but will possibly cultivate one in future, for Malcom Tucker-esque expressiveness.

ALL things are improved with a Weegie voice.