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Better Penis Homes and Gardens

The wrong kind of sexy House
The wrong kind of sexy House

The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive continues! If you haven’t already, please consider sending some bucks my way. (And don’t worry that the PayPal page says Man Boobz.) Thanks!

While we’re on the subject of creepy dudes and their terrible opinions about vaginas, I feel I would be remiss not to mention the whole “penis home” thing.

What penis home thing, you ask? Well, you may have heard about the recent fall from grace (oy there’s a cliché) of evangelical megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll, under fire for being a tyrannical buttheaded bigot with terrible opinions about women and LGBT folks. With Driscoll also facing accusations of abusive behavior, financial hanky panky, and even plagiarism, his Washington-based Mars Hill evangelical empire has been forced to shut down some of its local franchises.

Ok, you say, that’s sort of interesting, but what does it have to do with penis homes? I specifically asked about penis homes.

All right, penis homes. Some years back, Driscoll outlined what he saw as the proper Christian roles for our penises and vaginas. In a post on an internet message board from 2001 that’s recently been brought to the attention of the wider world, he offered these thoughts on (cis) men and the proper homes for their penises:

The first thing to know about your penis is, that … it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.

Something borrowed, something blue. Wait, that last bit only applies to balls. I assume those are borrowed, too? Anyhoo, these penises need someplace to live.

While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in.

But God doesn’t want your penis – sorry, His penis – to remain homeless. So He has very thoughtfully provided homes for these penises. Well, mobile homes, really, as they’re located within the ladies of the world:

Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.

But, you might say, aren’t there lots of places that penises can, er, take shelter in, from Fleshlights to the old standby, the human hand? Apparently these homes are not homey enough. Indeed, Driscoll warned unmarried men not to get too comfortable in these sorts of bachelor pads:

[I]f you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not.

Also, the “homes” in which women who are not your wife might possibly offer you temporary shelter aren’t really good homes either, because they belong to … other men?

[T]hough women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home.

And speaking of men, don’t even think about seeking shelter in another man’s, er, garage?

And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.

Besides, fellas, your penis ultimately belongs not to you or God but to your wife.

Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.

Just make sure you can sexually satisfy your new home with the penis that doesn’t belong to you. Learn to fuck that home like it needs to be fucked.

With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3).

Also, for proper results, make sure to get yourself a really sexy penis home.

The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).

Ok, I think I may have to give up sex for life.

Note: All of the preceding obviously only applies to cis folk; I’m sure thinking about sex involving trans folk would cause poor Pastor Driscoll’s head to explode. He should definitely never ever ever watch this video.

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kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

… Why do I have an old gravatar of Kirby holding a sign saying “Stop Wolf Divorce?” I remember making the protest kirby template… but…

huh.

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

To whom does one make their vagina mortgage payment?

tinyorc
7 years ago

My vagina already has a long-term tenant. It’s purple, sparkly and runs on A4 batteries. I will never evict him, but may consider sub-letters at some point in the future.

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

Oh man, mine too. That is one tenant who ALWAYS pays their rent.

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

Penis Home sounds like someplace in a Tolkien novel.

Misha
Misha
7 years ago

Question: If you’re in a poly relationship, does that now count as ‘shared accommodation’?

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

One of the Mars Hill branches is just down the street from me, and I hope that building has to be sold off for condos, and I hate condos almost as much as MCH.

Driscoll’s conned a lot of people for a long time, I’m glad he’s finally reaping the rewards of being such a colossal asshole.

blahlistic (@blahlistic)

If vaginas are penis-homes, who does the lawn-mowing?

Usually I’m self-mowing.
Mowing each other as part of foreplay is something fun to try with a partner, though…and for the tmi, you are welcome.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

Question: If you’re in a poly relationship, does that now count as ‘shared accommodation’?

Only with the proper zoning.

Shaun DarthBatman Day
7 years ago

I’m just trying to keep up with the vagina goodies here. Let me know if I missed anything.

So far, in the Summer 2014 edition of the “Pussy Pass”, my vagina owes me a Plague of Suitors, Diamonds, Nightclubbing (which presumably includes free babysitting for the child I shat out), Drugs, a Job, Promotions, Free Feminist Currency (which comes from misandry), *and* it can be used as a house. How do I contact HiveMind Central? Clearly my vagina is broken, and since 42 year old women are deemed fuckable (thank you Esquire) this is obviously a warranty issue.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

Oh dear, here we go.


On the twelfth summer week, my vagina gave to me:
Twelve betas begging,
Eleven suitors negging,
Ten diamonds shining,
Nine creeps a-pining,
Eight nights of dancing,
Seven concert passes,
Six fancy dinners,
Fiiive bags of weeeed!
Four alpha fucks,
Three free drinks,
Two stolen jobs,
And a home for a poor hapless peen!

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
7 years ago

@Shaun Day, I’m not sure, is a ride on the cock carousel free or is that separate from the Pussy Pass Perks Program?

Of course I’ve upgraded to Pussy Pass Perks Plus which has a new tier of benefits including full cock carousel access and brand new EnergyStar appliances for the vagina-home.

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
7 years ago

@kirbywarp bravo! Trying not to LOL at work…

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
7 years ago

[…] my vagina owes me a Plague of Suitors, Diamonds, Nightclubbing […]

And at this, my brain went, ‘Plague of Suits, Diamonds, Clubs’, and wondered why there were no Hearts involved, and whether Spade/Spayed was really something we wanted to bring into the conversation…

Shaun DarthBatman Day
7 years ago

Emmy Rae, did I have to register? Or was ownership of a vagina enough? And was the cock carousel how my vagina got stretched out enough to be a home? I’M SO CONFUSED!!!

Jenora, I much prefer spades to spayeds for male disposability. And women are incapable of feeling, thus no hearts involved.

Nova
Nova
7 years ago

Sadly, this sounds like one of his sermons, where he droned on about his pre Christian days. There was a funny bit about not knowing what constitutes fornication, but the rest of it was extremely uncomfortable to sit through.

He admitted to having marital issues that very much overshadowed his teachings about sex and relationships, but it is quite obvious that Driscoll has placed himself, his fee fees and his boner over actual Christian teachings. Marital issues should not be leading a pastor to insist that a repentant wife get on her knees, beg forgiveness and top it off with a blow job. That’s coming from a dudebro who harbors MRA style hostility toward his wife, because she wasn’t a virgin when they married. Of course, neither was he but… its somehow ok.

The penis homes… wow. There’s just so much snark potential there. Is porn kind of like taking a virtual tour? Can penis homes have an open house? Would a penis home realtor be a matchmaker or a pimp ( I guess that would depend on whether said realtor was dealing with rental properties or not?)

As a Christian, I do apologize for the verbal diarrhea that passes for a Driscoll sermon. It’s blasphemy and a very perverse twisting of the Bible, which does not advocate abuse or objectification of women, nor does it advocate inequality in marriage. It does not reduce a woman down to her reproductive organs, nor does it instruct women to only hold the roles of mother and marital sex toy.

As far as Driscolls condemnation of homosexuality the Bible does not condemn consentual homosexual relationships. The Apostle Paul, who wrote the passages commonly used to justify anti homosexual stances are only used out of context and are more concerning rape, sex slavery and hedonism than homosexuality.

Yeah, its actually saying that… “Hey, homosexual rape is just as rapey as heterosexual rape.” And… “Hey, guess what! There’s more to life than just your boner.”

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

Where exactly do I go and present my vagina in order to get one of those five bags of weed I’m owes on about of misandry?

Shaun DarthBatman Day
7 years ago

OT, Fornication is one of my favourite words. I love vaulted ceilings.

redpoppy
redpoppy
7 years ago

kirbywarp, excellent work as usual. I’m dying over here. Also, praise be unto Bootsy.

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

Praise be.

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
7 years ago

The Feminist Hivemind HQ is just so disorganized these days… further evidence of the decline of feminism. If the ideology was any good we would get much clearer instructions about the pussy pass benefits and all these other free rides we were promised.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
7 years ago

Jenora: And at this, my brain went, ‘Plague of Suits, Diamonds, Clubs’, and wondered why there were no Hearts involved,

Because women are all heartless bitches of course.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

My vagina has been slacking, it’s never gotten me anything.

Shaun DarthBatman Day
7 years ago

I found a way to make it on topic! The fornication in my vagina raises the roof!

I’ll go medicate my sinuses now.

katz
7 years ago

On the twelfth summer week, my vagina gave to me:
Twelve betas begging,
Eleven suitors negging,
Ten diamonds shining,
Nine creeps a-pining,
Eight nights of dancing,
Seven concert passes,
Six fancy dinners,
Fiiive bags of weeeed!
Four alpha fucks,
Three free drinks,
Two stolen jobs,
And a home for a poor hapless peen!

Where is that “Thread Winner” trophy?

cloudiah
7 years ago

Where is that “Thread Winner” trophy?

Like all things wonderful created by Mammotheers, it can be found on AFF.AK:
https://artistryforfeminismandkittens.wordpress.com/mammoth-of-the-thread-trophy/

katz
7 years ago

Sometimes I want Mark Driscoll to never change at all. I want him to keep saying the exact same stuff he’s always been saying, but for everyone to realize (as they are beginning to realize) that it’s not only cruel and hateful, but really, really stupid.

Then we can keep him around as a local crank. “Oh yeah, the ‘Vagina is a home for a penis’ guy! Yeah, he’s always like that.”

Catalpa
Catalpa
7 years ago

Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home

This just made me think that the wedding night involves some kind of ritual that causes the spouses to switch genitals.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
7 years ago

Catalpa: This just made me think that the wedding night involves some kind of ritual that causes the spouses to switch genitals.

Hmm – this explains why my spouse looked so hopeful holding that melon baller, and so disappointed when I used it on a melon.

samantha
7 years ago

I am laughing so hard that I am breathless! Hoo, boy…And here I was, believing that penises and vaginas and clitorises belonged to the people on whom they reside, to find playmates wherever they were inclined.

Silly me. Maybe I should go back to church….NAAAAAAAAAAH!

katz
7 years ago

I’m surprised a fundagelical is acknowledging the existence of the Song of Songs.

Then you have not been introduced to the New Reformed movement. They think that if they drink beer, have rock bands perform worship music, preach in T-shirts, and talk about how great sex is, it’ll make them not regressive and reactionary.

But they manage to take “sex positive” and ruin it by just turning around and, instead of going “sex is always bad and dirty and you should never do it,” going “sex is this absolutely essential thing and you must get married and then do it always.”

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
7 years ago

I’m laughing so hard at this thread, you lot!

But kirbywarp’s won it with his Twelve Days of Penis song. Totally.

LBT (with an open writeathon!)

Hey, if anyone sees Unimaginative, tell her I posted her story! 😀 My writeathon promptcall is closed, but there are still plenty of stories for sale.

RE: vaiyt

I’m surprised a fundagelical is acknowledging the existence of the Song of Songs.

I know, right? My husband LOVES Song of Songs.

RE: WWTH

Some of us (myself included) look at housing as a basic human right. Using this analogy implies that rape is OK because a penis has the right to its home.

Yup. It’s this weird anthropomorphization of a body part that’s so unsettling to me. I guess I also better start sounding; penises need to be fed! What do you mean, hamburgers aren’t supposed to go up my urethra? This is AMERICA, dammit! (Plus, I’ve never been able to afford living without roommates. Does that mean my penis should be poly?)

RE: katz

My husband is absolutely horrified by the movement you describe, and apparently he’d never heard of them. I think I am glad, since you know. I’d rather continue having NICE sex with him. (Though he does believe sex is a part of his religious and spiritual behavior.)

duckbunny
7 years ago

If I read Driscoll’s stuff with my Good Little Evangelical glasses on… that all looks pretty normal and orthodox, to be honest. The complaints about lack of masculinity are a little blatantly anti-women, but all the sex stuff is straightforwardly what I was taught growing up.

My parents still think like that.

I’m poly, not a virgin, and not intending to have children.

I live with my parents.

You can see why I’m closeted.

freemage
freemage
7 years ago

The weird anthropomorphization is even worse when you walk through the whole thing–the penis gets an identity, but the vagina becomes an inanimate object to be owned by the penis.

That… really sums up patriarchy, doesn’t it?

Kirby, Twelfth Week of Penis is awesome, and we need someone who can record a proper singing of it.

Nova: If you’re a fundamentalist/literalist, then the Bible ~does~ have some passages that are pretty much along these lines, I’m afraid. If, OTOH, you’re the sort of Christian who recognizes that the Bible is a collection of oral traditions turned into writings by a bunch of people trying to figure out the basics of morality during the Iron Age… Well, then it’s understandable where those passages come from, and I support those Christians who choose to look for deeper truths to be found in their sacred text.

A friend of mine had a garage metal cover band in high school and early college. It was called (among other things), “God’s Penis”. The moment I remembered that, this column became almost impossible to read without guffawing at work.

katz
7 years ago

My husband is absolutely horrified by the movement you describe, and apparently he’d never heard of them.

They’re pretty new, and hopefully Driscoll’s downfall is a sign that they’re blowing over. I escaped these guys so narrowly it’s a bit terrifying.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

Kirby, Twelfth Week of Penis is awesome, and we need someone who can record a proper singing of it.

If there were any way I could contribute to this, I would, either by voice or arrangement. I can practically hear the bright, cheery choir singing four-part harmony. 😀

Tessa
Tessa
7 years ago

So this analogy is only to cis men, making women basically inanimate. So you can say:

And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.

But being inanimate you can’t really express 2 homes that want each other? Do we become a duplex?

(also, completely immature but… If the man’s penis actually belongs to god, when he masturbates, does that mean he’s giving God a handjob?)

Nova
Nova
7 years ago

Freemage: If taken literally and out of context, there are passages that are used to condemn homosexuality. However, taken in context, there is nothing written in the Bible that condemns homosexuality, in the context of a loving, consentual relationship.

The most popular verse used improperly is in Leviticus, which is part of the “Holiness Code,” instructing the Israelites on how to distinguish themselves from the Caananites. It is strictly a set of legal practices, which also includes laws about animal sacrifices, slave ownership and outward appearances, rather than a set of beliefs.

Sodom and Gomorrah is another piece of scripture used. The passage does not condemn homosexuality, but rather condemned rape and xenophobia. The cities were not destroyed for homisexuality, but rather for an inhospitable environment and rampant, unchecked evil.

Romans 1 is a condemnation of hedonism, where sex and sexual experimentation become such a focus that it perverts the mind.

Beyond the fact that there’s no actual condemnation of it, there’s David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, the Centurion and his servant, likely describing loving homosexual relationships.

Really, there’s nothing in the Bible to justify the hatred and condemnation.

redpoppy
redpoppy
7 years ago

Does anyone else also feel that it is just plain childish to go so far as to come up with this kind of crap? Misogyny/patriarchy aside, it seems like some weird thing a kid would come up with to explain how adults have sex…or something….

andiexist
andiexist
7 years ago

Apparently, apartment buildings are the sexiest places in existence.

redpoppy
redpoppy
7 years ago

The pee-pee needs to find a home in the girl’s hoo hoo! I think it’s time for Driscoll’s nap.

Jurgan
7 years ago

Really, you’re not even going to mention that he posted these rants under the name “William Wallace II?”

LBT (with an open writeathon!)

Also, total lolz about the “the last thing a homeless man needs is another homeless man.” Dude, have you BEEN homeless? Strength in numbers is how street kids SURVIVE! A lot of homeless people use social networks as a way to find resources and protect from assault.

Also, banging my hubby is nothing like being homeless. Thanks anyway.

RE: katz

They’re pretty new, and hopefully Driscoll’s downfall is a sign that they’re blowing over. I escaped these guys so narrowly it’s a bit terrifying.

SHUDDER. They sound utterly repugnant.

BritterSweet
7 years ago

If the penis is a hermit, then walking could be a bit difficult for the heterosexual couple.

These past article subjects have been disgusting and disturbing, so it’s kind of refreshing to see something this hilariously mockable this time.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Ultra-right-wing pastors often sound like something out of “Lassie”. “What’s that, God? You loaned me a homeless penis, and now you’re commanding me to find a home for it?”

“What’s that you say, God? Any woman who denies housing to my shivering, starving penis is not just cruel and heartless, but evil?”

I mean, it’s amazing how often God’s intentions coincide exactly with their biological urges.

and when you marry her and look down you will notice your wife is shaped differently from you and makes a very nice home

“I have just noticed your newly renovated, ranch-style vagina near schools and shopping.”

“Well, there goes the neighborhood.”

Nova
Nova
7 years ago

@Tessa: If I get Driscoll’s line of thinking, a duplex would be having a threesome with twins.

Random Hajile
Random Hajile
7 years ago

You know, thinking back on it, he must fancy himself entitled to a womb with a view.

katz
7 years ago

ranch-style vagina

Is that a “smelly vagina” reference?

katz
7 years ago

@Tessa: If I get Driscoll’s line of thinking, a duplex would be having a threesome with twins.

Conjoined twins!