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While we’re on the subject of creepy dudes and their terrible opinions about vaginas, I feel I would be remiss not to mention the whole “penis home” thing.
What penis home thing, you ask? Well, you may have heard about the recent fall from grace (oy there’s a cliché) of evangelical megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll, under fire for being a tyrannical buttheaded bigot with terrible opinions about women and LGBT folks. With Driscoll also facing accusations of abusive behavior, financial hanky panky, and even plagiarism, his Washington-based Mars Hill evangelical empire has been forced to shut down some of its local franchises.
Ok, you say, that’s sort of interesting, but what does it have to do with penis homes? I specifically asked about penis homes.
All right, penis homes. Some years back, Driscoll outlined what he saw as the proper Christian roles for our penises and vaginas. In a post on an internet message board from 2001 that’s recently been brought to the attention of the wider world, he offered these thoughts on (cis) men and the proper homes for their penises:
The first thing to know about your penis is, that … it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.
Something borrowed, something blue. Wait, that last bit only applies to balls. I assume those are borrowed, too? Anyhoo, these penises need someplace to live.
While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in.
But God doesn’t want your penis – sorry, His penis – to remain homeless. So He has very thoughtfully provided homes for these penises. Well, mobile homes, really, as they’re located within the ladies of the world:
Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.
But, you might say, aren’t there lots of places that penises can, er, take shelter in, from Fleshlights to the old standby, the human hand? Apparently these homes are not homey enough. Indeed, Driscoll warned unmarried men not to get too comfortable in these sorts of bachelor pads:
[I]f you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not.
Also, the “homes” in which women who are not your wife might possibly offer you temporary shelter aren’t really good homes either, because they belong to … other men?
[T]hough women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home.
And speaking of men, don’t even think about seeking shelter in another man’s, er, garage?
And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.
Besides, fellas, your penis ultimately belongs not to you or God but to your wife.
Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.
Just make sure you can sexually satisfy your new home with the penis that doesn’t belong to you. Learn to fuck that home like it needs to be fucked.
With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3).
Also, for proper results, make sure to get yourself a really sexy penis home.
The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).
Ok, I think I may have to give up sex for life.
Note: All of the preceding obviously only applies to cis folk; I’m sure thinking about sex involving trans folk would cause poor Pastor Driscoll’s head to explode. He should definitely never ever ever watch this video.
Hahaha borrowing God’s penis. The worst metaphor.
Wow. This is the creepiest thing I’ve read all year, and I’ve been keeping up with #GamerGate to boot…
That’s one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever read. “God’s penis.” Also, not happy with him describing women and their non – wifely vaginas as “another man’s home.” My vagina is mine thank you very much Mark. You and your stupid, sexist, wooden (lol) interpretations of scripture.
I’m surprised a fundagelical is acknowledging the existence of the Song of Songs.
wat the … wat.
OK. That was pretty icky, and I say that as someone who was raised by biblical literalist misogynists. Why the constant focus on sex, guys? Why? Isn’t there more to life?
Very confusing custody arrangements. The penis belongs to god, the woman and also the man.
It’s hilarious how he feels, on one hand, compelled to preach people on the topic of sex, and on the other hand he is so clearly uncomfortable with the subject. Those clumsy metaphors are on the verge of being suitable for a raunchy stand-up show.
It’s difficult to know if the “I’m just a penis” guy would be comforted or more concerned after reading this piece.
I’m not sure I’ve ever read a more stilted or meandering discussion of sex in my life.
New pick up line:
Does that mean he thinks husbands and wives should be in a near-constant state of penetration? I’m a pretty introverted dude (I suppose my penis would also be introverted as well), so I spend a lot of time indoors.
Also, I know it would be rude to invade another penis’s home, but not all homes are owned by penises. Is it alright if my penis squats for a bit? What if my penis is fresh out of school and looking for a place to rent while getting situated? What does the penis-home market look like? Did it bubble like the housing market did? What if my penis spends some time in one area, then gets a job elsewhere and has to move, or wants to find a place more suitable for raising children?
Will the government provide low-income penis-housing so poorer penises will at least have a roof over their heads? Or will that be the work of religious charities?
This metaphor raises so many questions.
I really hate this framing of a vagina as a home that a penis needs. Some of us (myself included) look at housing as a basic human right. Using this analogy implies that rape is OK because a penis has the right to its home.
I really, really hope that he wrote that stuff in response to a question someone asked him, rather than just going on some silly tangent about penises and houses.
When I worked in customer service, I used to describe really unintelligent stuff customers did as “silly” as a way of acknowledging their situation without seeming like I was insulting them. That’s the sort of “silly” I’m thinking of here.
Good ol’ “marriage as chatel slavery”
so if a penis belongs to god because god made it, how does that not apply to other body parts? He says a hand isn’t really a home but according to his logic it’s god’s hand anyways, which leads to some really interesting theological implications
@vaiyt:
“I’m surprised a fundagelical is acknowledging the existence of the Song of Songs.”
Some Red Pill religionists consider the SoS to be a perfect example of Red Pill / game. (For the same inscrutable reasons, they also see Jesus as a prototypical “alpha” / Dark Triad dudebro. Not making it up, I swear.)
@ Emmy Rae:
“Very confusing custody arrangements. The penis belongs to god, the woman and also the man.”
Sounds like Communism. Just sayin’.
Other well-known penis homes (or maybe hotels?):
http://www.cracked.com/article_17098_the-6-strangest-objects-people-were-caught-having-sex-with_p2.html
Well, they’ve been telling women who their genitals belong to for centuries, its about time they got around to penises. I was getting jealous.
Notice, however, that men seem to have a much more active stewardship role for their genitalia than women, who presumably are responsible for keeping the home clean and free of dust and grime until her man comes home. Giggity.
@kirbywarp:
LOL!
Yes, the inquiring minds want to know.
I’ve always thought that the “Men are subservient to God and women are subservient to men” thing was pretty convenient for men, especially when it comes to being sexually subservient. God’s not going to show up and fuck you whenever he feels like it, regardless of whether you want him to. Keep in mind that this are the sort of church that tends to forbid birth control and abortion. Men also never have to be concerned with how many pregnancies God is going to make them endure. Also, God seems to tell men to obey him by being in charge of everything and denying women bodily autonomy. It’s almost like there is a system favoring men somehow at work in Mark Driscoll’s church.
To quote an entirely different (but just as real) deity:
[the gigantic Stone Head hovers before the worshipful horde of Exterminators]
Zardoz: Zardoz speaks to you, His chosen ones.
Exterminators: We are the chosen ones!
Zardoz: You have been raised up from Brutality, to kill the Brutals who multiply, and are legion. To this end, Zardoz your God gave you the gift of the Gun. The Gun is good!
Exterminators: The Gun is good!
Zardoz: The Penis is evil! The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the Gun shoots Death and purifies the Earth of the filth of Brutals. Go forth, and kill! Zardoz has spoken.
Apparently, Mark thinks that penis-havers are borrowing God’s penis “for a while.” What, is God going to come knocking at the door one day to collect? Do we get to the pearly gates, and the price of admission is one dick? Did we sign a form when we first took out our penis on loan assuring it had no pre-existing damage, and will we have to pay for repairs (and general wear) upon return?
Oh, in this case so does he. You’re absolutely right about the rapey aspect of this penis home thing.
In this analogy every penis is god’s penis because he made them, and he made vaginas to be homes so does that mean that vaginas are god’s home?
That is some serious blasphemy, pride and objectifying right there.
Quoting David in another post: “well that was creepy as f***”
I looked up 1 corthinians 7:4
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%207:4-5
And Song of Songs too.
http://biblehub.com/kjv/songs/5.htm
As a Christian I am deeply sorry on behalf of him and others like him.