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Better Penis Homes and Gardens

The wrong kind of sexy House
The wrong kind of sexy House

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While we’re on the subject of creepy dudes and their terrible opinions about vaginas, I feel I would be remiss not to mention the whole “penis home” thing.

What penis home thing, you ask? Well, you may have heard about the recent fall from grace (oy there’s a cliché) of evangelical megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll, under fire for being a tyrannical buttheaded bigot with terrible opinions about women and LGBT folks. With Driscoll also facing accusations of abusive behavior, financial hanky panky, and even plagiarism, his Washington-based Mars Hill evangelical empire has been forced to shut down some of its local franchises.

Ok, you say, that’s sort of interesting, but what does it have to do with penis homes? I specifically asked about penis homes.

All right, penis homes. Some years back, Driscoll outlined what he saw as the proper Christian roles for our penises and vaginas. In a post on an internet message board from 2001 that’s recently been brought to the attention of the wider world, he offered these thoughts on (cis) men and the proper homes for their penises:

The first thing to know about your penis is, that … it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.

Something borrowed, something blue. Wait, that last bit only applies to balls. I assume those are borrowed, too? Anyhoo, these penises need someplace to live.

While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in.

But God doesn’t want your penis – sorry, His penis – to remain homeless. So He has very thoughtfully provided homes for these penises. Well, mobile homes, really, as they’re located within the ladies of the world:

Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.

But, you might say, aren’t there lots of places that penises can, er, take shelter in, from Fleshlights to the old standby, the human hand? Apparently these homes are not homey enough. Indeed, Driscoll warned unmarried men not to get too comfortable in these sorts of bachelor pads:

[I]f you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not.

Also, the “homes” in which women who are not your wife might possibly offer you temporary shelter aren’t really good homes either, because they belong to … other men?

[T]hough women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home.

And speaking of men, don’t even think about seeking shelter in another man’s, er, garage?

And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.

Besides, fellas, your penis ultimately belongs not to you or God but to your wife.

Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.

Just make sure you can sexually satisfy your new home with the penis that doesn’t belong to you. Learn to fuck that home like it needs to be fucked.

With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3).

Also, for proper results, make sure to get yourself a really sexy penis home.

The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).

Ok, I think I may have to give up sex for life.

Note: All of the preceding obviously only applies to cis folk; I’m sure thinking about sex involving trans folk would cause poor Pastor Driscoll’s head to explode. He should definitely never ever ever watch this video.

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Mike StClair
7 years ago

Hahaha borrowing God’s penis. The worst metaphor.

taitaisanchez
7 years ago

Wow. This is the creepiest thing I’ve read all year, and I’ve been keeping up with #GamerGate to boot…

sunnysombrera
7 years ago

That’s one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever read. “God’s penis.” Also, not happy with him describing women and their non – wifely vaginas as “another man’s home.” My vagina is mine thank you very much Mark. You and your stupid, sexist, wooden (lol) interpretations of scripture.

vaiyt
7 years ago

I’m surprised a fundagelical is acknowledging the existence of the Song of Songs.

cloudiah
7 years ago

wat the … wat.

GrumpyOldNurse
GrumpyOldNurse
7 years ago

OK. That was pretty icky, and I say that as someone who was raised by biblical literalist misogynists. Why the constant focus on sex, guys? Why? Isn’t there more to life?

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
7 years ago

Very confusing custody arrangements. The penis belongs to god, the woman and also the man.

slivarth
7 years ago

It’s hilarious how he feels, on one hand, compelled to preach people on the topic of sex, and on the other hand he is so clearly uncomfortable with the subject. Those clumsy metaphors are on the verge of being suitable for a raunchy stand-up show.

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
7 years ago

It’s difficult to know if the “I’m just a penis” guy would be comforted or more concerned after reading this piece.

jbgarner58
7 years ago

I’m not sure I’ve ever read a more stilted or meandering discussion of sex in my life.

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

New pick up line:

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

Does that mean he thinks husbands and wives should be in a near-constant state of penetration? I’m a pretty introverted dude (I suppose my penis would also be introverted as well), so I spend a lot of time indoors.

Also, I know it would be rude to invade another penis’s home, but not all homes are owned by penises. Is it alright if my penis squats for a bit? What if my penis is fresh out of school and looking for a place to rent while getting situated? What does the penis-home market look like? Did it bubble like the housing market did? What if my penis spends some time in one area, then gets a job elsewhere and has to move, or wants to find a place more suitable for raising children?

Will the government provide low-income penis-housing so poorer penises will at least have a roof over their heads? Or will that be the work of religious charities?

This metaphor raises so many questions.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

I really hate this framing of a vagina as a home that a penis needs. Some of us (myself included) look at housing as a basic human right. Using this analogy implies that rape is OK because a penis has the right to its home.

AcidTrial
AcidTrial
7 years ago

I really, really hope that he wrote that stuff in response to a question someone asked him, rather than just going on some silly tangent about penises and houses.

When I worked in customer service, I used to describe really unintelligent stuff customers did as “silly” as a way of acknowledging their situation without seeming like I was insulting them. That’s the sort of “silly” I’m thinking of here.

ikanreed
ikanreed
7 years ago

Good ol’ “marriage as chatel slavery”

maistrechat
7 years ago

so if a penis belongs to god because god made it, how does that not apply to other body parts? He says a hand isn’t really a home but according to his logic it’s god’s hand anyways, which leads to some really interesting theological implications

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
7 years ago

@vaiyt:

“I’m surprised a fundagelical is acknowledging the existence of the Song of Songs.”

Some Red Pill religionists consider the SoS to be a perfect example of Red Pill / game. (For the same inscrutable reasons, they also see Jesus as a prototypical “alpha” / Dark Triad dudebro. Not making it up, I swear.)

@ Emmy Rae:

“Very confusing custody arrangements. The penis belongs to god, the woman and also the man.”

Sounds like Communism. Just sayin’.

Other well-known penis homes (or maybe hotels?):
http://www.cracked.com/article_17098_the-6-strangest-objects-people-were-caught-having-sex-with_p2.html

tesformes
7 years ago

Well, they’ve been telling women who their genitals belong to for centuries, its about time they got around to penises. I was getting jealous.

Notice, however, that men seem to have a much more active stewardship role for their genitalia than women, who presumably are responsible for keeping the home clean and free of dust and grime until her man comes home. Giggity.

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
7 years ago

@kirbywarp:

LOL!

Yes, the inquiring minds want to know.

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

I’ve always thought that the “Men are subservient to God and women are subservient to men” thing was pretty convenient for men, especially when it comes to being sexually subservient. God’s not going to show up and fuck you whenever he feels like it, regardless of whether you want him to. Keep in mind that this are the sort of church that tends to forbid birth control and abortion. Men also never have to be concerned with how many pregnancies God is going to make them endure. Also, God seems to tell men to obey him by being in charge of everything and denying women bodily autonomy. It’s almost like there is a system favoring men somehow at work in Mark Driscoll’s church.

Hyena Girl
7 years ago

To quote an entirely different (but just as real) deity:

[the gigantic Stone Head hovers before the worshipful horde of Exterminators]

Zardoz: Zardoz speaks to you, His chosen ones.

Exterminators: We are the chosen ones!

Zardoz: You have been raised up from Brutality, to kill the Brutals who multiply, and are legion. To this end, Zardoz your God gave you the gift of the Gun. The Gun is good!

Exterminators: The Gun is good!

Zardoz: The Penis is evil! The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the Gun shoots Death and purifies the Earth of the filth of Brutals. Go forth, and kill! Zardoz has spoken.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

Apparently, Mark thinks that penis-havers are borrowing God’s penis “for a while.” What, is God going to come knocking at the door one day to collect? Do we get to the pearly gates, and the price of admission is one dick? Did we sign a form when we first took out our penis on loan assuring it had no pre-existing damage, and will we have to pay for repairs (and general wear) upon return?

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

Some of us (myself included) look at housing as a basic human right.

Oh, in this case so does he. You’re absolutely right about the rapey aspect of this penis home thing.

Johnhp8
Johnhp8
7 years ago

In this analogy every penis is god’s penis because he made them, and he made vaginas to be homes so does that mean that vaginas are god’s home?

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
7 years ago

That is some serious blasphemy, pride and objectifying right there.
Quoting David in another post: “well that was creepy as f***”

I looked up 1 corthinians 7:4
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%207:4-5

And Song of Songs too.
http://biblehub.com/kjv/songs/5.htm

As a Christian I am deeply sorry on behalf of him and others like him.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

How many penises does God have, exactly? He must have warehouses full of them, given the rate at which penis-havers are born. And since He apparently decides who gets one and who doesn’t, it seems like a pretty big racketeering scandal. Foist a loan on someone who can’t refuse, then demand exorbitant interest in return.

God apparently is the kingpin of the penis mafia!

*hot-damn the snark just keeps on coming with this one…

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

@fruitloopsie:

Only someone like Mark could interpret a passage about mutual partnership as being solely about human tetris.

emilygoddess - MOD
emilygoddess - MOD
7 years ago

I’m surprised a fundagelical is acknowledging the existence of the Song of Songs

One of the criticisms from other evangelicals has been that Driscoll is too willing to acknowledge that sex is a thing that people care about. They think he’s crossed the line from “yes, you can be Christian and still enjoy sex” to “let me use sex to sell you on Christianity”. From what I’ve read, I can’t even say they’re necessarily wrong.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
7 years ago

Kirbywarp
I guess when boys get that age, God comes in and hands them a penis and makes him sign a contract until he reaches a certain age and the process will start all over. But I’m a woman, my lady brain can’t handle logical facts.

Amnesia
Amnesia
7 years ago

*starts singing* She’s a brick… House!

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
7 years ago

According to a graph on the internet, the average PIV intercourse episode lasts about 6 minutes from entering to ejaculation. That’s not much time at home. Presumably outside of that time each penis is out and about working and earning money to support some lazy vagina/home.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

@fruitloopsie:

That did it. That broke my brain. This and the “just a penis dude” have melded into a bombardment of crass images, bizarre scenarios, and endless snark. I fear I’m gonna have to just let my brain fizzle for a bit.

sparky
sparky
7 years ago

Is Driscoll speaking to adults? Because this sounds like the plot of the world’s worst children’s book. Peter the Peen Finds a Home.

Random Hajile
Random Hajile
7 years ago

As a FTM, I feel better that I have brain-explode-y potential after that wreck. This reads like some kind of talk you’d give children. The slow, disturbing kind.

I guess I fell through the cracks when it came to penis-loaning contracts from God. Or I have a hot mess of stuck innies that I can’t return to the manufacturer.

toujoursgai
7 years ago

[…] and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.

Your freaking wedding night seems a little late in life to be learning that cis men and women are built differently.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

That’s why you should always attend the open house before making a purchase. Which might go a little against the message Driscoll is trying to get across.

————

But yeah, it’s pretty gross how childish the language is. Also, if you follow the link and look at the screencap of Driscoll’s original post on the matter, he gets really indignant when people question his interpretation of bible passages, lambasting translators for being too skittish about translating twilight-level descriptions of genitals. He definitely had an agenda.

lkeke35
lkeke35
7 years ago

Here’s some more snark for you:

What about transgender penii? What if you want to get one and you paid for it yourself? Does it still belong to God? Is it a rental? Does it belong to the insurance company that helped you pay for it?

What abut hiring a sex worker? Is that considered a rental? a Subrental?

What if you don’t want a penis? if you decide you no longer need it or you never wanted it in the first place, do you give it back to God? Some random woman on the street to adopt?

What if you have erectile dysfunction?
What I f your dick is not working properly? can you get a refund? Do you have to give it back to God? And why would God hand out broken penii? What about wear and tear?

Well he obviously didn’t think ths all the way through.

ej
ej
7 years ago

@kirbywarp

I hope your brain fixes itself soon. Here are some red pandas playing in the snow to help.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
7 years ago

Toujoursgai: Your freaking wedding night seems a little late in life to be learning that cis men and women are built differently.

I believe the good pastor is making the assumption that the first time a man will know what a woman looks like under her clothes is when he comes to the wedding bed.

Uh-huh.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
7 years ago

Kirbywarp

“Only someone like Mark could interpret a passage about mutual partnership as being solely about human tetris.”

‘Human Tetris’ Pfft! Lol
What I mean is that there are self proclaimed Christians that use the bible to justify their actions which include abuse, comparing themselves to God, treating minorities less than human and other unspeakable acts.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

My phone had an update and it won’t let me type anatomical terms now. Only penis. Oh wait! Now it’s working. Phew. That was weird.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
7 years ago

“That did it. That broke my brain.”

Sorry 🙁

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

@fruitloopsie:

Oh, don’t even worry. It was broken in a hilarious way. I’m all good now. Still imagining a wary peen trumping down the sidewalk with a handkerchief satchel on a pole on its shoulder, going past rows and rows of vagina homes, some occupied, some foreclosed, wondering when it will finally find its place in the world, but still.

@ej:

Daww. 🙂

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
7 years ago

Oh, don’t even worry. It was broken in a hilarious way. I’m all good now. Still imagining a wary peen trumping down the sidewalk with a handkerchief satchel on a pole on its shoulder, going past rows and rows of vagina homes, some occupied, some foreclosed, wondering when it will finally find its place in the world, but still.

OMG. Is leocigale in this thread yet? 😀 😀

saphy
saphy
7 years ago

Kirbywarp, when I look at your posts as a speech bubble coming from your avatar image, it looks like Bootsey is talking about penises and it confuses the distinct compartments of my mind where Cute Kitties are kept far apart from Penises.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

@Policy of Madness:

Are they the one that did the “just a penis” cartoons? All the yes. That scene now raises a question brought up in the comments section of the linked op. If vaginas are penis-homes, who does the lawn-mowing?

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
7 years ago

@saphy:

Oh noes! Maybe I should switch… Bootsey has had plenty of time in the spotlight (praise her). Although my older avatars of Kirby might not be much better on the conflicting message front.

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

Oh god, I haven’t paid respects recently.

Praise be to Bootsey. Praise be.

saphy
saphy
7 years ago

@Kirbywarp, nooooo! We need the face of Bootsey with us always! She is our queen, our light, the song that every heart sings in praise for the wonders of creation.
She is… Bootsey.

I’ll just learn to cope with the dissonance of Penis-talking Bootsey.

ej
ej
7 years ago

Question: Are vaginas also on loan? Would that make getting married more like a sublease instead of buying a home? That would really complicate kirbywarp’s question about who is responsible for maintenance.

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