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creepy douchebaggery I am making a joke

"Is u ass bif?" The Question of Our Time?

Is U ass bif?
Bif, such an ass!

Let’s take a quick break from all that gamer aggro to take a quick peek at the CreepyPM subreddit, where we find this lovely little Grindr exchange, posted by Jacob of rniraclewhip.tumblr.com, featuring a man with a strange question:

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I think our questioner was just being kind here, pretending that he actually was asking about ass size. No, his question was actually a very clever literary reference that went over Jacob’s head but which I picked up right away because I am so very, very smart.

It’s a reference to a famous scene in Death of a Salesman.  Biff Loman is telling his brother Happy about a job interview that didn’t quite go as planned.

BIFF (breathlessly): I did a terrible thing today, Hap. It’s been the strangest day I ever went through. I’m all numb, I swear.

HAPPY: You mean he wouldn’t see you?

BIFF: Well, I waited six hours for him, see? All day. Kept sending my name in. Even tried to date his secretary so she’d get me to him, but no soap.

HAPPY: Because you’re not showin’ the old confidence, Biff. He remembered you, didn’t he?

BIFF (stopping Happy with a gesture): Finally, about five o’clock, he comes out. Didn’t remember who I was or anything. I felt like such an idiot, Hap.

HAPPY: Did you tell him my Florida idea?

BIFF: He walked away. I saw him for one minute. I got so mad I could’ve torn the walls down! How the hell did I ever get the idea I was a salesman there? I even believed myself that I’d been a salesman for him! And then he gave me one look and — I realized what a ridiculous lie my whole life has been! We’ve been talking in a dream for fifteen years. I was a shipping clerk.

HAPPY: What’d you do?

BIFF (with great tension and wonder): Well, he left, see. And the secretary went out. I was all alone in the waiting room. I don’t know what came over me, Hap. The next thing I know I’m in his office — paneled walls, everything. I can’t explain it. I — Hap, I took his fountain pen.

HAPPY: (Angrily.) Is u ass, bif?

Is you ass, bif?

This is truly the question of our time.

EDIT: Ok, I changed the Death of a Salesman quote. Dammit, this dopey joke is funny to ME.

 

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Zolnier
Zolnier
6 years ago

Well I can’t make sense of that, any smart people in the comments who can enlighten me?

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

Hello? Hello? Anybody home? McFly?

blahlistic (@blahlistic)

Grindr is a gay male hookup app, right?

theladyzombie
theladyzombie
6 years ago

I no get.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
6 years ago

Well I can’t make sense of that, any smart people in the comments who can enlighten me?

This is clearly a case of a conversation on philosophy.

The first individual asked the second if an assumption used in a previous argument was based in fact.

The second wondered why the question was asked.

The first individual suggested that perhaps this assumption was pretty large.

The second individual replied implying that he had asked the first individual for a critique of the logical argument, NOT for comment on the predicates chosen for that argument.

And the first individual told him to fuck off.

blahlistic (@blahlistic)

My ass is big, but it is not Biff.
I would never, ever name my ass Biff.

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
6 years ago
cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

If someone messaged me asking if my ass was biff I’d be so confused.

Alex
6 years ago

Well, my ass might be Biff naked?

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
6 years ago

Okay, I’ll go ahead and be the first to step up: my ass is bif.

And you all know that probably 40% of you also have a bif ass. We can only destroy the stigma around bif asses if we talk about it! We have to break this culture of silence that surrounds the bif ass.

hellkell
hellkell
6 years ago

I would have thought he meant buff, but no.

cloudiah
6 years ago

Yes. Biff applied for a job there but didn’t get it because he stole a pen.

Is u ass Bic?

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

cloudiah wins the thread!

Actually I think this is all a cunning plan by the Confused Cats to spread the confusion around.

Alex
6 years ago

Confusion loves company. 🙂

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

The thing that baffles me (beyond the nonsensical question itself) is the idea of asking someone – much less a total stranger – about their body parts. Yeah, dating site, whatever, it’s still brain-breaking stuff to me.

redpoppy
redpoppy
6 years ago

Nice one,cloudiah! I do enjoy me some play on words type jokes.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Biff is also the name of a company that makes outhouses.
http://www.biffsinc.com/images/sub/equipment_07.jpg

BritterSweet
6 years ago

“Is u” always brings that damn song back and gets it stuck in my head again.

Tom J. Nelson
6 years ago

Just don’t rename the blog “Is u ass bif?”.

pendraegon
pendraegon
6 years ago

Obscure jokes are obscure!

Is “Death of a Salesman” really obscure though, I mean it is to me personally since I’ve never been able to sit through it myself without nodding off. Still it is a really well known American play.

kittehserf - MOD
kittehserf - MOD
6 years ago

The play’s not obscure, but how many people (outside the US at any rate) would remember the sons’ names? I’d be able to name Willy Loman if asked, but if I’d had to recall the other characters’ names, it would have been a struggle. I had to do it in English at high school, but that was in the 70s and I’ve never watched nor read it since.

Emmy Rae
Emmy Rae
6 years ago

I was an English major so maybe that disqualifies me, but I was very entertained by both the original and current versions of this joke.

I read this play in high school and always remember his name because I thought it was so heavy handed.

Zolnier
Zolnier
6 years ago

Speaking of jokes I don’t get, is there a reason bikes keep coming up over on confused cats?

Cassie's Major Domo
Cassie's Major Domo
6 years ago

I think auto-correct purposely messed up “big,” in some misguided A.I. attempt to save this jerk from embarrassment. However, undeterred, he strove forward.

slivarth
6 years ago

If only auto-correct algorithms could recognize offensive behaviour…

Harlan
Harlan
6 years ago

It’s funny to me, too. And bonus points for your Tennessee Williams reference several posts ago, David…I am a theatrician of long standing.

Jarred H
6 years ago

@kittehserf: Welcome to the world of Grindr. I’ve also had several first-time messages there that consist of nothing more than a penis picture.

lkeke35
lkeke35
6 years ago

Brittersweet: I loved that song when I was a kid. Used to walk around singing it AT my Mom.

daintydougal
daintydougal
6 years ago

I’ve heard of death of a salesman, but only through media suggesting all Americans have to study it at school. Are the characters really called Biff and Happy? Is it a comedy?

mildlymagnificent
6 years ago

Speaking of jokes I don’t get, is there a reason bikes keep coming up over on confused cats?

It’s Ye Olde Feministe Joke.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Oops. I mean latest. Wishful thinking I guess.

Jarred H
6 years ago

WWTH: I found this quote especially ironic, coming from MRA types:

…there is no better way of ruining your business than deliberately excluding 50% of the market.

daintydougal
daintydougal
6 years ago

WWTH: Poor woman hating libertarians, they just don’t know what to think about it. They’re still commenting of course.

LBT (with an open writeathon!)

Seeing as I have a major character in my stories named Biff, this is amusing to me for all the wrong reasons.

Ah, grindr. Good to know queer men are just as annoying as the straight ones when it comes to online sex and dating.

gilshalos
6 years ago

Death of a Salesman is definately not a comedy. i studied it in High School too. Had to read Mrs Loman.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
6 years ago

Are the characters really called Biff and Happy? Is it a comedy?

Yes, and no. It’s kind of heavy-handed in the allegory, and it should come with a giant content warning for depression and suicide.

daintydougal
daintydougal
6 years ago

Sounds delightful! The only plays I had to read in school were Shakespeare. Yawnfest.

sparky
sparky
6 years ago

It’s good to see you, LBT! I hope jerkbrain isn’t treating you too badly.

I was lucky. We had to read The Crucible in high school instead of Death of a Salesman when we studied Arthur Miller. Still a heavy-handed allegory, though, but I enjoyed The Crucible and I’ve never been able to get into Death of a Salesman.

And why on earth would anyone think that asking a complete stranger about the size if their buttocks is an appropriate thing to do? Just right out of the blue? And then getting insulted and telling the person to “fuck off” when they tell you that it’s none of your business. That takes a major level of entitlement there.

LBT (with an open writeathon!)

RE: sparky

Brain is giving me a brief reprieve, thankfully. We took advantage of it and went to the fair yesterday; Sneak spent most of it in the 4-H animal section, squeeing over livestock and watching horse trials. (Zie also held a baby chick which made zer absolutely dizzy with joy.)

Me and hubby then went out for tacos and had a public transit adventure, on account of missing the last bus home and having to take a circuituous route back. But it was nice to have a NORMAL adventure like that for once.

Michael McG
Michael McG
6 years ago

Am I completely mistaken in my perception that Grindr is a place gay men go to find partners for semi-anonymous sex encounters?

LBT (with an open writeathon!)

I believe you are correct, Michael McG.

cloudiah
6 years ago

Yay for brain reprieves, and yay for fairs with 4-H animal sections. My co-worker was just telling me about her experience with her sons and the baby goats at a petting zoo, and we were both actually making squeeing noises the whole time. It’s like an involuntary response.

sparky
sparky
6 years ago

Yay for brain reprieves, and yay for fairs with 4-H animal sections.

Seconded!

Baby goats are the cutest.

LBT (with an open writeathon!)

RE: cloudiah and sparky

There were TONS of animals, baby and otherwise, at the fair. And also two of the biggest horses I’ve ever seen. An evening well-spent, I daresay!

Jarred H
6 years ago

Pretty much, Michael McG. Of course, the real fun ones are the younger guys who use it to find guys willing to pay them for said fun. Things can get real interesting when you’re approached by such a guy and you tell him you’re not interested.

LBT (with an open writeathon!)

RE: Jarred H

ZOMG THEY’RE DRIVING DOWN THE COST OF COCK THOSE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PEOPLE.

Michael McG
Michael McG
6 years ago

Pretty much, Michael McG. Of course, the real fun ones are the younger guys who use it to find guys willing to pay them for said fun. Things can get real interesting when you’re approached by such a guy and you tell him you’re not interested.

My initial knee-jerk retort was: while you may not go cock-out to the bathhouse, it is a bit silly to expect that no-one will go cock-out to the bathhouse; so, you might expect to be asked about your cock by guys with their cocks out.

I realize the above–in addition to being strikingly cis-sexist–skirts, and may cross into, victim blaming. The slightly more measured response is to note that entering into sexualized spaces might change one’s expectations of the level of sexualized interaction one might experience.

Most physical public spaces (streets, parks and beaches, restaurants, public  restrooms, etc.) and some virtual public spaces (Christian Mingle, JDate, Match, Zoosk, Tinder [?], etc) are not explicitly reserved for sexualized behavior, so one’s experience of unsolicited and/or unwanted sexualized interaction is unquestionably sexual harassment and/or assault. However, going to other public our virtual spaces (swingers’ clubs or bathhouses; Squirt, Manhunt, etc.), and being offended by sexualized interactions is a bit like going to the mall and being offended commercialized behavior.