An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no MRAs, no I’m-not-really-an-MRA-buts, don’t be mean.
Categories
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
We Hunted The Mammoth
@Katz; perhaps I’m an asshole for it but I consider this to be a boundary issue. If someone’s taking too much I suggest that I was hoping that we could spend our time together as a fun escape from our problems and ask if we could we take a break from discussing problems? Many of the people surrounding me seem to view needing some professional help and guidance as some sort of moral failing, so it can be tricky to suggest that.
When people can’t accept an agreement on a day off from complaints I’m forced to cut off contact with them until I can deal with them again. Unfortunately some people just need more from the relationship than I can give, and some people are just emotional vampires. I refuse to believe that setting boundaries about what I can give in a relationship is a moral failing.
Unfortunately, in my case, there’s a reason why I attract people with weird boundary issues. I have weird boundary issues myself and I tend towards the “emotional vampire” side of things more often than the “emotional victim” side of things. Its not on purpose, it’s just that when you start down the spiral it’s soooo easy to get so wrapped up in your own pain/problems that you don’t realize what you’re doing to others. So in my case, people telling me f-off was the wake up call I needed.
@Alex Congrats on your accomplishment! I struggle with housework myself, and it’s always soooo hard to get started. But personally I feel so much better when my house is reasonably clean. (Not to mention that I have kids and a man, so its not like I’m living alone). I’ve been trying to stick to the routine over at flylady.net, and she has a lot of good ideas, but I always end up sputtering out. I’m really looking for a support group of people who can hold me accountable and motivate me without giving me an unhelpful guilt trip or the Great Eye Of Judgement. Seeing that several other people here seem to have the same problem, is anyone else interested in starting a general support group with me, or know of one that exists?
ah, emotional support and scams.
I got very involved in being the go-to emotional pillar of support for one of my friends, who was going through a fairly rough period (moving! dreadful school! pressure! mental issues!) This was 4 years ago. I like to be helpful, I like to be available if people have a problem, and my friends are my friends in part because they’re the kind of people whoose company I enjoy, because I like them, and because I know that I am willing to help them with whatever their issues might be.
Only, as it turns out, some people just need more help that you can give and once one issue is resolved three more crop up and it never ends and suddenly you wake up and realize that your girlfriend is leaving you, your academic performance has crash into the ground, you’re an emotional wreck because you’re constantly at the whim and will of someone who is consistently volatile and what used to be offered assistence in relation to problems has become a network of unspoken assumptions and phonecalls at three am when someone needs to drive somewhere but can’t navigate the car out of the garage and thus needs me (and just me!) to come over and drive it out and then go home again and leave them to their convuluted navigation across the city.
I don’t think any person really wants to be the first to say to someone else “Hey, I can’t help you with this, find your support elsewhere”. I think there’s a lot of stuff in that, among which is notions of “failing” a friendship, not being good enough, and a miasma of endless movies and books about how Life Is Too Short For Not Caring About Your Friends, So You Should Drop Your [XXX] And Care With The Force Of A Thousand Thousand Suns.
Sometimes that’s fine, and there really are cases where you can add your emotional soothening presence to other people or do little things that make their life easier (I don’t know, bake a fucking cake or something, that’s what I do). But it’s also perfectly completely utterly and entirely honestly okay to say to someone “I can’t help you with this, I don’t have the time and the ability, I really suggest you go talk with a professional mental health expert. I care about your wellbeing, and I care about you, and I cannot help you by listening any more”
People who are actually worth being around in the long run will take you up on the advice and understand that you don’t have infinite capacity to endless care. That, sometimes, experts or other people are needed. That you have an entire LIFE you need to live that’s taking up your effort and time and space and ability and that this is also super mega important. People who are not will start resenting you for your unavailability and go on about how you’re a douchebag for only doing the car thing 6 days out of 7.
It’s okay to tell others you can’t always be there. If you find yourself waking up in the morning and dreading going to school or work or opening your e-mail or checking your phone because you realize there’s going to be some message from someone going on at length about how everything sucks and everyone is an asshole and could you come over and listen to them ennumerate about the endless mistakes of some other person? Enough is sometimes enough
You’re important too.
Same principle applies to scams. Being suckered in by someone is just what happens sometimes, and getting away and out and clear is just what you need to do, sometimes.
Sidenote:
I think a lot of stuff is interestingly motivated towards making you feel bad for either failing to care at all times endlessly or being unable to say no to everything. If you reply to that Nigerian Prince with your banking information, a lot of people is primed to laugh at you for your stupidity. Only that’s really not going to help you not reply to royalty, and it’s probably not going to teach you how to tell who is out to scam you either.
Sidenote-note:
A percpetive reader might be able to spot that this is something I Have Opinions About.
I can also add that the car example is real.
Fib: The car thing. Wow. Just wow.
If it’s someone I don’t know, should I talk to them about finding appropriate emotional support our should I just ignore them? (I just got someone on a writing forum who I’ve barely interacted with sending me a long PM about her borderline personality disorder.)
Speaking of car things and scams…
I’ve had to jump my car three times in the past week. Between jump 2-3 I stopped by a garage to get them to check over the battery, because having a “professional” check things with acid and current seemed like a good idea.
They futzed around for a few, then said it was the alternator, then gave me a huge estimate for repair, and asked if I’d like to order the part.
I went home, and after dead 3 I finally checked my battery. Lo and behold, low battery fluid, which might explain why it loses it’s charge whenever it sits overnight. Battery fluid is now at proper levels.
Garage dudes, just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean you can tell me my battery is fine without actually checking!
The alternator could still be on the fritz, but the belt on it is definitely fine. I have time this weekend to drag in some mechanically inclined friends and pour over a shop manual until we figure out what’s up.
Or, I could just go for a long drive with headlights, radio, wipers, interior lights, and air heater blaring away, then park for 18 hours and see if she turns on.
Katz – I’ve had people do that to me (don’t know them well, asking for help that’s inappropriate). I’d just send something back like, “wow, sounds like a lot is going on, I’m not able to help you with this, you may want to see a professional” or something along those lines. Could you possibly pass it off as “I’m sorry, but I think you pm’d the wrong person”? It’s also okay to ignore them if you feel that would be best tactic.
I always feel bad for the person in those situations, but at the same time, there’s nothing I can do for them.
And pineapplecookies, I’m sorry that you got scammed, that’s awful. Thank ceiling cat that you were able to spot it in time and get it stopped, before you lost any more money. And you’re not an idiot – lots of people get scammed because scammers are good at what they do. In fact, they count on people being nice so that they can scam them. You can’t help but feel stupid, but it’s really the scammer’s fault for scamming you.
All the sympathies, Fibinachi. I have a similar problem with, as I call it, “chainsmoking other people’s misery.” In general, I think it’s great to help other people, but if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to help anyone. I like PoM’s analogy for it: you have to put your own mask on first.
It sounds like a lot of folk need a few of these:
?oh=8aa78a68f7d1c46889267d5e4c75d32f&oe=549C404E&__gda__=1419474731_0ef7e9c04139b67dd1c0c5fa00de7f04
Good luck with the interviews, and doctors and assorted attempts to get things cleared up!
(incidentally, the above picture is from the facebook feed of a cat foster who I follow. Those are two of her cats, but she almost always has a litter of kittens scampering about on livestream.
http://new.livestream.com/tinykittens/roundupkittens
Eh, it happens. I was young(er), and my upbringing pre-disposes me towards assuming responsibility for anything hapening around me (Because I’m the Big Brother Who Must Do X Y Z). Someone who is a lovely person and going through a hard time just happened to find the perfect combination of words, actions and circumstances to hack my brain into somehow assuming that the neurotic tendencies (that is, officially diagnosed later on) were somehow my responsibility to manage.
Chain-smoking misery is a great phrase for it. Being there for the emotional turmoil of others isn’t really a choice you make, because I don’t think anyone has to actually choose to be helpful and willing to offer a hand, it’s just… What you do? For your friends? And people? Because of course. Choosing not to, because you need to focus on yourself or just cannot offer the needed aid is bloody hard though.
So these days I know the impulse when it brews and mercilessly destroy it once I feel it stirring. Freedom and happiness abounds with the ability to say “Have you talked to someone qualified to handle these issues? Because I’m not that person, but I wish you the best”.
I think on a forum, the best response is “That sounds really harsh, ouch. I hope things work out for you, and here’s a link to google with the words “local hotlines”. I got a flood of Pm’s like that once I posted on a DM registry in one forum. Apparently saying that I am familiar with World of Darkness and Pathfinder and Warhammer 40k rules means I am somehow a qualified psychotherapist… or something?
@Contrapangloss
But you have lady bits! That means you cannot visually percieve battery fluid or oil levels. That’s how that works, right?
So, the other day, my sister and I were walking into a store, and there was a police squad car parked in front, with two cops sitting in the front seat. I smiled and waved at them, as I generally do when I see police, because I was brought up to think that they are trustworthy souls, performing a dangerous and vital service to the community. I was aware that there are bad cops, but I also personally knew several police officers and other members of the law enforcement community who were quite nice. I believed that most cops, like most people, are basically good, and that the bad ones wind up giving the good ones a bad name.
That moment, though, when I smiled and waved at them, and they smiled and waved back, I realized my privilege. Ferguson was on my mind, and I realized that, had I been a POC, I would not have felt safe waving to them, especially not now. It kind of blew my mind. I mean, I’ve known for a few years now about my white privilege, but this was just so specific!
Last night, I talked to one of my cop friends, about Ferguson, and she was very upset about the whole thing. Like she said, some bad cops give good cops a bad name. Meanwhile, she was the one who once warned me about police officers in a particular county. See, she’d had problems with the police officers in that county. Due to the fact that the police chief and his cronies (in high positions, thanks to being his cronies) were basically establishing and enforcing a culture of downright S****Y behavior, people really had to be careful around the cops in that entire county! Sure, there were plenty of good cops in that county, but they had to keep their heads down, or face reprisals for not fitting in with the established cop culture.
Note, that’s not what she said last night. She had told me that before. But she was going on about bad cops, and specific stories, and then we arrived at our destination and she had to stop mid-story, so from my experience, I can extrapolate that at least one of those “don’t deal with the cops in X county” stories would have come up, had we kept on driving. She had plenty of those stories, sadly.
It’s entirely possible that the law enforcement people in Ferguson are actually part of one of these “pockets” of culture, enforced by jerks in power. It’s also entirely possible that there are an awful lot of these pockets of culture, enforced by an awful lot of jerks in power.
But you know, whether they are, or not, doesn’t alter the fact that I have the privilege, by nature of my skin-color, to feel perfectly safe waving at a cop. Because the POCs who feel afraid of police in general have darned good reason to do so, based on waaaayyyyyy too many incidences of bigots with badges.
In that moment, I felt very grateful and very sad at the same time. You see, I have black friends, and I fear for them now, when I didn’t before. Back in the day when I was blissfully unaware of it all…
Anyway, thanks for helping to educate me! Without this site, and a few choice others, I would not have even thought about it. That’s what I love about feminism. In its truest sense, it is about helping, accepting, and loving people across the board. Oh, judge people on their words and actions, and if they prove, by their words and actions, to be jerks, then judge them as jerks. Don’t judge them as less-than by their gender, color, abilities, brain patterns, etc.
I remember reading, as a teenager, in a column by Miss Manners, that all men are presumed to be gentlemen, and all women are presumed to be ladies, until they prove themselves otherwise. Yeah, this was before I even knew what intersex was, and Miss Manners was about etiquette, not feminism. But the principle is the same, really.
I love feminism! If only the word “Humanism” hadn’t already been taken, I think that would really apply. But then, if we called ourselves humanists, how could the poor misogynists complain about how we hate men?
HAH! They’d do it, anyway, while they expounded on how we got the name of our movement all wrong.
And thinking of racism reminded me of the first time I came across the word “Colored” in a reading assignment at school. I was in junior high, and reading in a social studies book, about the “coloreds” in South Africa.
I’ve always been a good reader, and enjoyed reading aloud. Classmates generally liked it when I was chosen to read aloud, because I have good inflections, and expression, and don’t stumble over my words a lot.
But that day, when I first saw the word “coloreds” to describe the POCs in South Africa, I had no idea that it meant they were people of color. I thought it was some sort of Afrikaans name, or something, and I read it as “Koh-loh-reds.” This was in the U.S. south, mind you, and a lot of the white kids in the class weren’t shy about using racial slurs. They had heard the term “coloreds” many times, but somehow, I had not.
I have no idea how I managed to avoid it all those years.
Now, I know the preferred term, at this time, is Person (People) of Color. But this was the 80’s, and somehow, I had the idea that the term “colored” was not preferred, and in fact offensive. Was I wrong? Was that text-book offensive?
Or was it simply the fact that the way the white kids in the class corrected me, and the tones they used when speaking the word “colored,” made it seem like a racial slur?
You know, for all my horizon-broadening travel as a child and youth, I was really naive.
The first time one of my college roommates called another one of my roommates a “hoe,” I asked her why she was calling her a gardening tool. It just went right over my head.
Seriously? Wow.
I’m very behind on reading today, but @grumpycat I would be happy to “chat” with you about your interview! Will check my email this weekend.
My sister and brother-in-law were gardening one day and sister stepped (barefoot) on the hoe she had forgotten was in the grass behind her. She yelled out, “Stupid hoe” and couldn’t immediately understand why her husband started cracking up.
Hey everyone! Cookies and hugs for all who want them!
Bit of a rant ahead. Sorry.
I’m in a bit of a pinch right now, academically, so to speak.
I have two very important exams coming up, one written and one oral and I’m in way over my head.
The written one I can handle (I hope), it’s mainly questions about everything we’ve covered in the last two years.
But. The oral exam means I have to aswer questions and give an oral presentation in a language I barely speak on a subject I know very little about, in front of an audience.
And I mustn’t fail because if I do then I’m finished.
Not because this certificate is necessary for my continued enrollment, but because the social environment is more than a little toxic.
We started out, two years ago, with 900 students in our year and subject. Now we’re down to 400. And it’s all so very competitive.
They explained it to us when we started: “Look to your left and your right. Statistically, both of the people next to you will not graduate. Make sure that they do because every single dropout is one less potential competitor on the job market.”
And so, helping fellow students is a big no-no, every question is a deadly sign of weakness (“If you don’t know/get this, you should really quit now!”) and sabotage is rampant.
Whenever there’s a paper to be written, the relevant books either just dissappear from the library or the relevant pages are blackend or torn out and the index pages are removed, to prevent others from getting the information needed to pass.
Now, the exams I have to take are for an optional class that not many people took. In fact, I’m the only one taking it this semester. Now, I asked a woman, whom I thought of as a friend, who already took it, how she prepared for it. And she told me: “Why should I tell you and give you any advantage? I don’t want you to pass.” Just like that. We’ve barely spoken since.
Everyone is just so hostile and the only reason bullying isn’t more widespread is because the others don’t trust anyone, either. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. And I know, if I can’t suck it up I should just quit but I’ve come too far to just give up now.
It’s just not very beneficial for my mental health. Low self esteem, loads of pressure, recurring depression since I went off of my antidepressants.I signed up for therapy at the psych clinic in january and they said I could maybe get a first appointment in another five to six month, maybe. Great. Thanks.
So…any helpful advice?
/End of Rant
On a lighter note, we’re having a butternut squash cook-off on sunday, anyone got any good recipes?
@Michelle C Young
I’m sure your book didn’t make this explicit, but “coloured” in South Africa is a racial category distinct from black Africans. The term refers to what we in the US would call mixed-race people, and people self-identify as Coloured. Words mean different things in different countries.
Littlekatze,
That is horrible. You can survive though, I’m sure of it. You’ve already invested a lot of time and work; you can make it through this next bit.
That said, if you don’t really like it, maybe failing and moving on wouldn’t end up being too horrible?
I don’t really know what you love/don’t love, so I don’t want to say you’d be happier one way or the other.
For oral exams/interviews, my method is to just practice saying the answers to any question I can think of, for a few weeks. I write them down, read them, and stare myself in the face and say them back to the fierce person in the mirror. I practice my stern, “I know what I’m talking about, so you should trust me” face for the occasions where I have to just make flying guesses without showing I’m making a flying guess.
My stern “Don’t mess with me but trust me and my knowledge” face is not my natural face, so it takes practice.
Unfortunately, I don’t know a second language… so I’m not sure how helpful that advice will be, especially since it doesn’t involve rapid translations.
🙁
((also, your university sounds totally awful. Have hugs.))
(((also, also… never cooked butternut squash, however, this looks tasty! http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchens/roasted-butternut-squash-lasagna.html )))
@contrapangloss
Thank you. The subject itself is great, if a bit difficult it’s just…well, the people.
And that lasagna looks awesome.
@Littlekatze, wow, that university sounds awful. I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of training for something that requires such a lack of ability to work with other people that the school actually encourages hostility. Hugs if you want them, and my fingers are crossed for your exams.
Hugs to everyone who needs them, actually! I’m sneaking this post in at work, so I can’t take too long, so just know that if you’ve posted here, I’ve read it and have good thoughts for everyone.
re: interviews. I also stress out over interviews. The main thing that helps me is remembering that I need to make sure if I even want to work for them, that I need to ‘interview’ or inspect them to make sure they’re compatible with my needs and desires. I still don’t always get the job, but I know I come across as a heck of a lot more self-confident.
@Littlekatze, yeah, I can’t wrap my head around a university fostering that kind of environment either. That’s seriously messed up and depressing. Why insist on the world having to work that way? Maybe I’m a naive idealist, but that kind of atmosphere sounds no t only totally counterproductive and harmful, but extremely unnecessary.
For anyone here who is bipolar, did you have a major crisis or where you able to recognize yourself that something was wrong? I’ve experienced mood swings for about 4 years and I never paid attention until my hypomanic episodes started getting bad and I started engaging in destructive behavior and doing things that I knew were out of the ordinary for me. (So it wasn’t just feeling happy and giddy and tingly, it was, for example, engaging in an online relationship where he was just using me to get off. May not seem like a big deal, as I never physically slept with him, but it’s really out of the ordinary for me) I was also starting to feel as though someone else was occupying my brain and talking to me. Anyway, I went and sought help by myself. With my family history, I knew the risks. But because I was able to do that, I feel like I’m somehow faking it. Has anyone else experienced this?
@Littlekatze, count me among those going WAT at your uni’s behaviour. That’s just brain-breaking levels of wrong. Lots of hugs.
@katz, that person’s behaviour flies straight through whoa, crossing boundaries here and into hella scary territory for me. I’d be blocking messages and contacting the group’s moderators.
In defense of my uni, it’s really just this one department, the others are fine. And it’s like that at other unis, too (or so I hear). It comes with the subject, I think
michelle
This piece in the WaPo tells you just How Many counties you’re dealing with if you’re in Missouri around St Louis. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-watch/wp/2014/09/03/how-st-louis-county-missouri-profits-from-poverty/
I’ve never heard of a worse way to organise local government and infrastructure. And the whole sorry mess is driven by racism from the get-go.
Yes, depending on what you mean by “major crisis,” and yes.
Retrospectively, I have always been bipolar. My cycles are so long (like, a year long in some cases) that it was impossible to see it at the time, but I’ve always had mood swings that I could not control. I’ve been manic. I’ve been suicidal. They didn’t seem interconnected.
When I was in my mid-20s, I just fell apart. Lost my relationship, my job, my apartment, had to move back in with the ‘rents, felt suicidal, had to get Serious Business Psychiatric Attention. I could not make myself get up in the morning, and just wanted to hide from reality. It seemed very much like major depressive disorder, and that’s how it was treated at first, but none of the medications worked at all. I mean, they were doing something, but not like what other people describe, and they weren’t helping my mental state.
I finally got a different doctor who tried many different drug combinations, none of which worked for long or well. Finally he threw in a bipolar drug because: why not, and then and only then did I start to see some kind of recovery. It was my response to the drugs, and not my clinical presentation, that resulted in the bipolar diagnosis. But, of course, looking back I can see that it was always there.
Does that help at all?