An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no MRAs, no I’m-not-really-an-MRA-buts, don’t be mean.
Categories
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
We Hunted The Mammoth
@marinerachel
I waited a minute to see if someone else could answer because I am not the most rational just now.
The first and most important thing is right now you are out of the house.
I would say, so you needn’t worry right now, but I know that’s pretty impossible. However, it gives space to be able to think without it being an immediate emergency
Sorry, afraid that’s all I got right now apart from the offer of something hot and soothing and a handful of kittens from the hug barrel. And that I would probably have reacted just the same.
*cup of something hot and soothing.
Also GamerKittehs!
marinerachel, I hope you’re feeling better since writing. That’s scary.
Things that come to mind, in no particular order: who gave that dude a key? How did he get in?
Would it be possible to bring it up to the homeowner in a way like “Downstairs guy said there was loud cracking coming from my floor/his ceiling, has anyone else mentioned this? He came up in the middle of the night about it, which freaked me out.” – I’m thinking of it being concerned-but-not-blamey and a way to bring up him coming in as well as the alleged noise.
I’m side-eyeing the dude; the “Get dressed and open the door” bit was pushy, at the least. Did he sound alarmed? If he’d been afraid the floor was about to cave in I’d understand it, but that doesn’t fit with your description.
I saw that vid on Pharyngula today, gilshalos. Sooooo cute!
@marinerachel
What that guy did was NOT COOL.
Look at your situation a different way: pretend you were in an apartment complex. You live on the second floor with five other women, this guy is on the ground floor. There is a laundromat in another building that you and two other buildings share. There are no doors in between apartments, just the front door.
This is exactly the situation you have now. Would it okay for someone in a ground floor apartment to let himself into your apartment and come bang on your bedroom door? NO. Knocking on the front door would be okay. Walking right in and waltzing up to your bedroom? NO. You would be absolutely correct to be skeeved the hell out and wonder why this stranger is in your home. You are absolutely correct to be skeeved right now, because the situation is actually the same as if you were in an apartment building.
And remember that you are NEVER obligated to answer the door just because someone is knocking. His demand otherwise stinks of entitlement. The whole thing stinks of entitlement. From here, to me, he looks like he feels very entitled to your space and your attention.
Absolutely let the landlord know. This is a landlord situation. Maybe have someone else read your email and make sure it’s not more accusatory than you intend, but definitely send it and have the landlord knock some sense into this guy. What he did was NOT COOL. The fact that your “apartments” are inside a house instead of inside a more standard apartment building doesn’t change anything.
I second PoM. Not cool. The guy committed a totally unacceptable violation of your privacy. I can sympathize with the desire not to escalate drama, but I think this guy’s behavior falls into zero tolerance territory. Should not be allowed to continue.
Is there even a lock on your suite that prevents the downstairs residents from accessing it? Does his key work to get into your suite? Would getting any locks changed be possible/of any use?
The only reason I didn’t speak more strongly is, as Kitteh said, the faint possibility he feared something structural was breaking. But, really, it doesn’t read much like that.
Plus, marinerachel had got away for a while.
grumpycatisagirl has a point. Both the upstairs people AND the downstairs guy should be able to mutually lock doors to keep the other(s) out (he’s entitled to privacy, too). That’s something to bring up with the landlord, if locks don’t already exist. Everybody should be able to keep strangers out of their home.
It was wrong of him to come knocking on the door at all, let alone at 1 am. If he has a noise issue, he should be bringing it up with the landlord. Definitely tell the landlord what happened and that it made you uncomfortable. He was in the wrong.
Sample letter/email/phone script:
Good morning (landlord name),
This morning at about 1 am, one of the downstairs tenets knocked on my bedroom door. At first I thought he was one of my fellow upstairs flat mates, until he yelled at me to come to the door, at which point I became very nervous because I didn’t know whether he was a stranger or the police.
He had come upstairs because of hearing a loud ‘cracking’ noise and he wanted to know if we had caused it. I was in bed and heard no such noise. Is there something structural we should be concerned about? Furthermore, is there a way to request or ensure that visitors or the downstairs appartment tenets have to wait at the front door, instead of being able to knock at our bedroom doors?
Although he likely meant no harm and was just frustrated by an elusive noise, the whole situation put me very much on edge, because I assumed that the only people who would knock on my bedroom door at that hour of the night would be my room-mates.
Overall, it has beena pleasure living at this appartment and I am very pleased with my current room-mates. However, I was a little at a loss for how to respond in this situation. In the future, how would you like me to respond?
Thank you so much, and I hope to hear from you soon,
Sincerely,
(Full name here)
Adjust as needed. He probably meant to be intimidating, but your landlord won’t know or assume that… So pleasant is probably the best approach.
If dude doesn’t live in your apartment then it’s no different than if some random wandered in off the street – he doesn’t get to come in unless someone who lives there invites him in. Especially not late at night, and even if invited in he’d have no business banging on your door, demanding that you get dressed, etc.
A nice, calm, carefully worded letter to the landlord sounds like a plan. Is there a door between the upstairs and the basement? That maybe she could install a lock on that would prevent people from the basement from barging into your apartment? That’s the angle I would take – I’m sorry to have to ask this and in an ideal world it wouldn’t be necessary so I’m not blaming you for the fact that it doesn’t already exist but apparently some people are unwilling to follow the unwritten rules of living in a shared house so, sadly, this seems to be what needs to happen.
(Even though in reality there should always have been a locked door between you and them that they don’t have a key to, probably best not to come off that way and make the landlady feel blamed.)
marinerachel, to me this sounds like the guy broke into and entered your apartment, which is criminal behovior in most places. You might consider calling the police, now that you have done the most important thing – which was to get yourself safely out of there.
After calling the police would be the time, in my opinion, to contact the homeowner. You are right to feel violated because it IS a violation for someone to enter, without permission, and demand ANYTHING from you…unless, of course, it is an emergency and the fire/police departments are the ones banging on your door. Also, you might want to talk with your roommates about it. Maybe one of themgave him a key? That would seem odd, though, to do that without telling you.
Stay safe. (hug)
The landlady is only at fault to the extent she’s trusted there would be mutual respect between suite tenants and people wouldn’t let themselves into one another’s suites unannounced and make demands. From the sounds of things it’s worked just fine up until now.
The only other time I’ve seen him in our suite was once when the homeowner was over midday and we were having tea and he popped in to ask her a question about the house. Midday when the landlady is there I don’t even care if he sticks his head into the public space of the suite to ask her a question when the doors are wide open. There are just so many differences between that and what he did.
That makes it sound like he’s treating the place as if it’s one residence, rather than several, doesn’t it? Like being able to walk in during the day when landlady was there somehow turns it into a family home, rather than it being separate homes within one building. Genuine mistaken thinking or not (and it’s stretching to give him any benefit of the doubt for cluelessness), he needs to be brought up sharp.
Well, drat. I didn’t get the job I was intereviewed for the other week. Not surprised, given I’d no experience in that field, but a pity. I think I’d have liked working there.
However! I have another interview on Wednesday … and an online skills test to do first. Strewth.
I finally got an OkCupid account. I even sent a message to a guy who looked pretty great other than being taller than my usual type (I know;, I’m weird). It was an innocuous message about books, nothing flirty. I’m not ready for that yet! I’m seriously terrified of rejection to the extent that even having a profile online is scary because what if no one but creepers shows an interest? I don’t have high hopes, but we’ll see.
I only put a picture of my foot in a really cute shoe and wrote in my profile that I’d only share a full picture with someone who was willing to react to my profile first instead of just browsing pictures. Hopefully that will filter out douches but I worry that it will alienate everyone so we’ll see. I might have to put a better picture up eventually.
I think it’s good that I did this the night before I’m going out of town. It’ll mean I don’t have time to be anxious and overanalyze so much.
You know those cute plastic “My Little Pony” toys you can customize as you see fit? I’ve just heard that some guy over in the States has just had to have SIX of them surgically removed from his rectum.
His condition is described as “stable”…
You are evil, Phoenician, just evil! XD
Well, so much for that interview. They want a birth certificate among one’s ID, and I don’t have that. Rescheduling ahoy.
Lololololololol
My aunt’s an OB/GYN, delivers babies as a huge part of her career. A gentleman arrived in the ER, having shoved a large red rubber ball up his bottom. He’d done it before but couldn’t retrieve it this time! The ER physicians determined the specialist best qualified to retrieve a round object through a body orifice without surgical intervention or tearing was….. the OB/GYN.
Alas he farted and what would have been her first male patient was no longer in need of her care!
Wow, Kittehs, they want a birth certificate for a job interview? Are they getting a lot of non-residents applying for jobs or something? Seems kinda strange.
@marinerachel, that must have been one HELL of a fart.
Thing to pay attention to that I’m not seeing get as much media coverage as it deserves. There’s a massive pushback against attempt to sneak around the rules laid out for how Hong Kong was to be governed at the time of the handover back to China. The very obvious attempt to rig the upcoming election was the impetus for this round of unrest, but this has been brewing for a while. OP here gives a good intro and summary for people unfamiliar for the issue, but here’s why people need to start paying attention – the police are now threatening to use live ammunition on the protestors. That’s never happened before – the cops in Hong Kong are armed, but they shoot at criminals, not protestors. At least until now.
Look at the size of those crowds. This is big, and it’s not going away, and everyone I know with a connection to Hong Kong is scared that it’s going to turn into another Tiananmen-style bloodbath. I’m not sure why it’s getting so little mainstream media coverage here, but it’s a big deal.
http://simone0907.tumblr.com/post/98720990354/raaawrbin-stirringwind-raaawrbin-i-feel
Look at that sign – “They can’t kill us all”. I wish that was true, but I still remember watching the tanks roll into Tiananmen Square.
(As to why I care and am paying attention – one of my best friends from high school is from Hong Kong, as is one of Mr C’s closest family friends, and my uncle, aunt, & cousins lived there for a long time.)
Live feed from Apple Daily here, btw.
I’m waiting for my canvassing crew to pick me up. It’s dark as fuck and I’m kinda freaked out. I did see a shooting star though. That was neat.
My LDR guy kind of freaked out…and the neighbors called emergency services on him, thus he’s in the psych ward again. Which he probably needed to be in for a few days. Not sure WHY he’s freaking and ideating and such… Have to figure that out…
He’s letting himself get entirely too wound up about me coming over, it’s going to be nice and quiet and involve lots of snuggling, you know? Plus it’ll be really fricken’ cold there by then.
Admittedly, this will be the first time we’ve met in person, and we’ve been talking for 4 years, so it’s exciting. But it’s better to just drop expectations and let it be what it’s going to be.
Blahlistic, depositing more hugs in the barrel for you and the LDR guy.
WWTH, hope you got picked up by the proper people promptly after posting…
I’m sleep deprived and posting to stay awake. At least I did well on the test, despite technical difficulties which made me start nearly 2 hours late… Also, my plane landed on it’s first attempt to get into worktown. I was a little worried, because my coworker went to a wedding last weekend and was supposed to come in on a similar flight and got fogged out for three days..
So, yeah. GRE is OVER! WHOOHOO! Now to finish all the school apps…