An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.
As usual for these threads: no trolls, no MRAs, no I’m-not-really-an-MRA-buts, don’t be mean.
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We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
We Hunted The Mammoth
Do you have stuff in common, WWTH? Some sort of activity you could suggest that’s not one one one and gives you something immediate to talk about (and that would be useful to be friends, which would be good itself)?
Odsfish, they had 27C in Mildura today. That’s a nasty thought, that hot this early. š
The same political views and he seems to also like Lord of the Rings. I’m not sure how that translates to an easily suggestible activity though.
WWTH, maybe try to suggest a one-on-one fun activity as kittehs suggested, see if you hit it off as friends, then go from there? If you might need some alcohol as a tool, have a beer before you meet up? (It could also be that he feels uncomfortable with alcohol in the big get-togethers because it makes people crazy, but he’s totally cool with it in small groups.)
I find that to approach romantic pursuit as something completely different from making friendship comes from some unfortunate cultural connotations – like the MRAs setting out on a conquest. Although I can see that you don’t want to lose a friend because of romantic rejection, and I’ve only ever had one steady romantic relationship, so I might not have the best advice š
OK, I just got reminded of this cos of a status update on FB. I assume people have read (or some of you have) the Hunger Games. Am I the only one who hates Katniss ? She is not a heroine. Peeta and the guy who she hunted with are heros. But Katniss isn’t. OK, I only got to halfway through the second book, but that is cos I couldn’t read any more hating the person who was the one I was seeing things as.
Just wanted to share some cuteness.
I’ve been waking up extra early lately and that means I get to see the epic cat battles that go on just as the sun comes up. No wonder they spend the rest of the day sleeping. They bound all over the house after each other while the humans sleep.
OK, so, I might have a personal query. Apologies for tl;dr or tmi.
I’m trying to come to terms with my gender identity and some mental issues. I’ve been repressing it for 25 years or so (basically my thinking has gone: ‘mental health happens to other people’). I figure I can’t treat this by isolating myself, that will only end in self-hating cycles, so I’m trying to seek therapy. However, because of work, I live in a relatively conservative European country where I don’t speak the language well (I speak it ok, but not enough for therapy), I’m afraid I’ll hit a therapist who,
a) doesn’t speak English,
or b) repeats the tropes I’ve already gone through in my head and discarded (“it’s just a phase”, “you’re making things up”, etc.),
or c) is actively hostile to trans issues
or d) treats people with gender identity issues as people that must be squeezed into one single gender role. (I’m definitely not a cis man, I’ve tried and failed to identify with that, but I don’t think I fit 100 % into woman stereotypes either.)
and that either of these may trigger something horrible.
I don’t really want to ask my friends because, well, not ready for coming out yet. Any ideas, Mammotheer hivemind? Maybe seek out a local LGBT group and see what they have to say? (I also fear I’ll have to lose my job but, oh well, I can’t do it well with these issues gnawing on me anyway)
@Aitch, there are a lot of out trans people who are trying to set up support networks. I watched Lady Valour on CNN last week, about Kristen Beck, who was Chris Beck. She transition after retiring from the US Navy Seals. Knowing CNN, they’ll show that documentary a bijillion more times over the next couple of months.
Anyway, she and other out trans people often will answer emails, or have useful things to say on Twitter, or start foundations to provide support and lobby for public safety laws.
Here are some resources, including on line ones, from the Winnipeg Transgender Support Group: http://winnipegtransgendergroup.com
I’m not trans myself, so I can’t share any personal experience, but a lot of apparently well-adjusted, healthy trans people seem to be associated with the Winnipeg group. (They show up a lot on various CBC shows, for some reason.)
Aitch, no apologies needed. This is what open threads are for! Do you have any kind of backup plan in case you do lose your job? It sounds like it would be really stressful to have to worry about that on top of everything else, but it also might be a good thing to be actively looking for a job that isn’t in a conservative country where you have language barriers.
I like your idea of seeking out a LGBT group. They may be able to recommend some therapists who are supportive of people who are trans, genderqueer, etc., and who can help you navigate that along with any other mental health issues you’re dealing with.
Internet hugs if they’re wanted.
so I just got back from my bout of volunteering at a conference for the youth liberal party.
Since no one will ever know who I actually am when I write this out here, and I mean this as no slam against people who have different views than I, I could not imagine a better argument for becoming the most staunch supporter of the reddest direst form of communism than this conference.
I’m going to go find a punching bag and hit it until I can see the bones in my knuckles oh my god what a load of crock they spent ten minutes during the galla dinner singing an old anti-capitalist song about the suffering daughter of a poor family being forced into slavery and exploitative prostitution because the system of rich landowners had left her no recourse as a joke are you kidding me that is the vilest fucking thing while eating fucking caviar and salmon in galla dress is this some kind of obtuse old anti-establishament real life book adaption I accidently walked into because that is the blindest, most sickening example of willful disregard for the health and wellbeing of other people I have ever seen, and it’s just… someone was in charge of that? Someone sat down and organized entertainment that was funny and insightful and interesting and then decided, somewhere in the middle of that, as a joke that the entire forum should sing a happy song about poor families being forced to sell their own children to make ends meet because they were being exploited in a system where they had no available possibility of finding other avenues of livelihood is it some kind of elaborate Truman Show joke on my ability to understand the world and then get up the next day and honestly pretend they want to have a debate about the merits of prostitution under a market system? Fuck that, you sick twisted irony-deficient suits. Fuck that.
I hope you all had fun playing Go, and I’m somewhat sad that I missed it! It was great fun last time – did people get to hear Kirbywarps (beautiful) voice?
@weirwoodtreehugger
Long of the Rings original trilogy marathon on a friday is always a good option for organizing a low key party. Invite a few friends, have some somethings, cook some food together, spread out a few couches and space and enjoy the delightful fantastical wonders while talking to each other.
Alternatively, there are ways. You can decide if you’d rather want to ride it out. Sometimes, co-worker crushes are just to be endured and not acted on. This might be one of those times, and you know that best.
If not, I would recommend the Shy Person’s Date!
Find a person you like! Have you found a person you like? I bet they’re fantastic (That’s why you like them, because you too are fantastic). Now, you like doing things, right? So think of something you like to do – then invite this other person along to do that. This means you can focus on the delightful activity you normally enjoy doing, and you are saved the awkward sitting and staring at each other over a table for hours on end that dinner dates are. rock climbing is fun! As is larping. I also recommend paintball and painting. You have your own desires, most likely. Look online for free town activities being organized near you – almost all towns have something and then it’s as simple as deciding if you want to go have a look, and inviting this other delightfully likable character along. You get to try something new (my town organizes an annual short film festival and I, who normally don’t watch short films, watching and debating impressionstic spanish short films about urban poverty and gang violence with a witty wonder who got me constantly flabberghasted with a quick turn of phrase). If the date itself sucks, you just mention “hey, this activity isn’t really me, so I’m going to skip out in a bit” and go your merry way (maybe together? wink wink nudge nudge), and if it’s fun, you got to do something interesting and hang out with someone worth hanging out with.
If you’re in an area that doesn’t organize frequent free civic stuff, as happens, I recommend things you’ve always wanted to try yourself. The mental trick here is that you’re not inviting someone out To Spend Time With You And Only You, To Stare At You, And Be Talking To You, Forever, you’re inviting someone you think might be interesting out to something you’d like to try yourself This means the entire thing is about being together and having fun doing stuff, and not about impressing each other in a potential dance of akward small talk over a table.
All this and more is covered in my patented twelve-step guide to romantic love, which can yours for 99 quick installments of 99 Fibicoins. Or join my mailing list at…
( I joke š )
WWTH: is this coworker in your department? If so, I’d wait it out, because holy balls, the awkward can go through the roof if it doesn’t work out. Even if it does, all your other coworkers will know and things can get weird that way as well.
If you’re not totally scared off by that, ask him if he wants to grab a coffee or do a trivia night or something. Asking him for a coffee during a work break might be a good way to gauge interest on both sides, maybe he slurps his coffee or some other deal breaker that will end your crush, you never know.
Mr. HK and I met at work, so it can work, but we are in different departments and at the time we met we were in different buildings.
Ask A Manager and Captain Awkward have written about this, there might be some useful stuff there for you.
Unimaginative, thanks! I didn’t know of that site, it seems a bit Canada-specific but I’ll definitely read the general guides for advice. I’ve read coming-out stories already and they’re part of the reason why I feel I need to sort out my gender identity, or I will just regret it for ever. I’ll definitely rely on some trans people…I suppose there could even be trans therapists. (I’m so ashamed that took me long to realise). I suppose I could seek out online therapy too, don’t know whether anyone seriously offers that. In theory that sounds more attractive than the classical sitting down on someone’s couch (I hate reacting to subconscious cues, and sitting online it wouldn’t give away subconscious reactions of the therapist…).
cloudiah, I don’t have a great backup plan, but I’m lucky enough to work with an international organisation with a progressive aim, so they should be more positive to these things than most. Some people there are kinda toxic, but they aren’t in a position to hurt me except with words; I think if my boss gets on my side, I’ll be safe. He strikes me as a bit right-wing but otherwise a human and decent guy who appreciates my work, I think he’ll be most concerned about any sick leave I might have to take. I also reckon I can mount a case for unfair dismissal if they try anything but use social coercion to force me out. It might be socially tricky to present a different identity after working there for 18 months but if they can’t handle working with a trans person that’ll be their fucking problem.
Also, if the worst comes to the worst, the city is very international and the economy isn’t as bad as elsewhere so I’m hoping there should be English-language jobs around even if I’m taking a huge plunge down the privilege tree.
Anyway thanks for making me feel like I’m on the right track and that I didn’t trample all over the elephant shop, and thanks for the internet hugs, I’ll happily hug back! š
Currently re-atching the Dr Who reboot. Christopher Ecclestone is almost as cute as David Tennant.
@gishalos. Eccleston’s “For once, everybody lives!” face is one of the most precious faces I’ve ever seen.
I’m not sure I’d call it cute, but it makes such wonderful warm fuzzy puppy-hugs type feelings.
@Fibi: That gala sounds remarkably horrid. My condolences. Go was much fun, but I was on my 21st hour of being awake… SO HARD TO THINK!
@WWTH:
Um… I probably have no good advice, because I am the crushless wonder. However, based off the one time someone crushed on me, I humbly submit the “please be obvious” approach?
The one where you go, “So, I find you attractive and I’d like to see where it could go if you aren’t opposed. Would you like to do _______ fun activity, so we can figure out whether hanging out together is a good thing?”
I know for me, I was completely oblivious to the “this person is crushing” thing, and when suddenly it went from doing fun stuff to “Dinner and movie, and want to go steady?” I was really, really stressed out, weirded out, and suddenly worried about “but what if I just liked the being friends? ULTERIOR MOTIVES!!! AHHHHHHH!!!”
Then again, I’m not the best at interpersonal communications/relationships/stuffs, so maybe my advice is not the best…
Aitch, I have no advice. But, hugs if you want them?
Oh I so regret not watching Ecclestone Who properly. I only watched some of that season, but I love him and his accent to bits. (Every planet has a North!)
contrapangloss, hug š Anyone who reacts to my ramblings with ‘you’re not weird’ is a great help. (Rationally I know I’m not, but jerkbrain.)
Thanks all. I still don’t know what if anything I’ll do. I came down sick with a cold today so I’m too gross to do anything for the next few days anyway.
WWTH, I’m gonna second contrapangloss. Be really obvious, and back off gracefully if required. I tend to be oblivious of romantic overtures as a defense mechanism, in case I’m reading it wrong. I mean, I willfully assume non-romantic intentions, because it would be embarrassing to assume them and be wrong. So, if both of you are that kind of tentative, leave the door open for misinterpretation type of person, you’ll never get anywhere. (I actually had a friend explain to me once that someone was trying to ask me out; I’d thought he was asking for directions.)
That is me. I once convinced myself that someone kissing me repeatedly meant nothing by it. Yes, people can be that oblivious.
@Aitch If you can afford it, Netflix is your friend. That is what I am using to rewatch it!
WWTH,
I don’t know what advice to give, since I’m pretty crap at the whole crush thing myself, but I do hope it works out! Because that’s exciting. š
A little antidote to those stupid lists of how women should act if they want to get a man/not be seen as shrewish harpies/want to be “ladylike” (fingers crossed WP plays nice with Facebook videos!):
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1412672708873607
OK, just saw the regen to David Tennant for the first time. Wow
OK, Chris Ecclestone isn’t as cute as DT. Cos he is truly beautfiul
I like Eccleston too. He’s my favorite doctor. Too bad it was only season. Tennant was great too though.
(silly confession)
In Thor 2, Eccleston plays the villian…who just happens to be a dude who accidentally/sort-of destroyed all his people whilst trying to destroy his enemies.
There’s this scene, where Malekith glares at Thor and starts with:
“Your family, your world, shall be ext-”
My nerdy heart soared when he started with ex. Then, I died a little inside when he finished with -inguished instead of -erminated.
It would have been perfect.
The movie wasn’t the best, but still, it would have been perfect.
(Eccleston was my second favorite doctor. Tom Baker is hard to usurp.)