One of the odder folk beliefs of the pickup artist subculture is that women become worn down and used up and even a bit addled if they have sex with too many men. Men, by contrast, are said to be able to handle an equal number of female lovers with grace and aplomb.
In a recent post, our old friend Heartiste offers what he sees as decisive photographic evidence illustrating the different effects of promiscuity on men and women. One bit of this evidence: a picture of a young woman used to advertise some sort of singles event. Reflections from the photographer’s lights obscure her pupils, an offputting effect that gives her a slightly deranged look.
Heartiste, apparently not curious enough to wonder why the woman seems to have no pupils, sees this as clear photographic evidence of the tell-tale “thousand cock stare” that he believes women develop after exposure to more than the lifetime recommended allotment of penises.
To underscore his claim that promiscuous men are “more emotionally stable and contented” than their female counterparts, Heartiste offers this photographic evidence:
I think we can all see the problem here. Aside from the fact that a single photograph of someone smiling offers no real clue to that person’s relative stability or degree of happiness with their life – there are plenty of people who can put a good face on all sorts of troubles – this is not actually a picture of a promiscuous man.
It’s a picture of actor John Hamm playing the character of Don Draper, a promiscuous ad exec on Mad Men, in full costume and makeup and doing his best to act the part of a contented man.
As regular viewers of the show are well aware, Don Draper is not always so contented. Indeed, the character is a near-constant drinker with a troubled past who ruins two marriages through his compulsive womanizing.
Here are pictures of Don Draper in some less-happy moments.
Can we conclude therefore that excess promiscuity will turn smiling, confident men into puking emotional wrecks? Well, no, because, again, Draper is a CHARACTER, not a person. He’s NOT REAL.
But don’t try telling Heartiste that, because he seems to prefer to live in an imaginary world.
A man can sample the slits and furrows of outrageous fortune and survive the whirlwind of passion to mark a day in the future when he contentedly and without pathological second-guessing slips into a stabler, longer term commitment.
Women who have sampled a poo poo platter of penes accumulate emotional scars that never heal; promiscuous women have a mental storage closet filled with five minute montages of alpha male love, and these exciting, prurient memories rob the female id of something important. Call it purity or innocence or self-worth or ability to appreciate romantic idealism, the slut with ass chafing from riding the cock carousel is never the same as she was before she let herself get pummeled by dick.
Uh, just so you know, Heartiste, the Chinese menu item you evidently have in mind is actually called a Pu Pu Platter. A Poo Poo Platter is something, well, a bit different.
Then again, I suspect that most of those women who’ve “sampled” Heartiste’s alleged charms would have, in hindsight, rather spent the evening cleaning shit out of a toilet tank.
That really would be a poo poo platter of penes … 🙁
The Return of the Hymen, subtitle: One Hymen to Rule Them All.
Bwhahahahahaha
I was tense the first time, even though I made myself get as drunk as possible* to try to force myself to be relaxed. And no, it wasn’t rape because we had been escalating the flirting for about 4 months before the sex happened (he managed the local C64 game store, see I really was a nerd), and it was all planned – dinner first, etc.
And because the first time hurt, I was tense the second time months later, and that hurt too. Then the third time months after that. And so on for a bit.
*not very drunk as I have a weak stomach, so I throw up before I get too drunk. It’s really attractive, not.
First PIV: It didn’t hurt or bleed, but my mom started taking me to the gyno when I was 15 or 16, and I didn’t have sex till I was 18, so maybe the pelvic exams had taken care of my hymen for me. Or maybe I just didn’t have much of one to begin with.
Re tampons: I couldn’t use them for the longest time. Two things really made a difference for me: angle of insertion turned out to be the big one, but using shorter tampons also really helped with that “not far enough in” feeling (O.B. are nice and short). I had such heavy periods (before the Mirena, which is my new BFF) that pads alone wouldn’t cut it unless they were the really thick, diapery ones. For overnight, tampons were a requirement, unless I wanted to either wake up periodically to change pads, or wake up in a pool of blood (before I got tampons to work, I had to sleep with a second pad over the back of my undies. A proper diaper would actually have been welcome).
OTOH, I am intimately familiar with rawness. TMI AHEAD: I have a recurring muscle spasm in my pelvic floor, one result of which is that the muscles around my vagina don’t loosen up as much as they could when I’m aroused. Add in that my partner is fairly well-endowed, and things can get pretty uncomfortable if we’re not extra patient and careful. The idea of someone doing that to me on purpose? Fuck no, do not want.
THIS X100000000.
There;s also the narrative that havign sex the first time is something you do because your lover wants it, not because you do. When you’re basically just accommodating someone else and the question of your own arousal and enjoyment hasn’t even occurred to you, you’re porbably not going to get the most out of the experience.
Isn’t there a lot of bouncing around on your pelvis, though? Perhaps the impact tears the hymen.
To me, oral is way more intimate and something I only do with someone I’m really close with. If someone’s going to be able to get a good look (and smell and taste) at my bits, I need to really trust them. I suspect this is residual “vaginas are icky” cultural conditioning, or at least the fear that my partners will think so.
No bleeding for me either. As a kid I got my period early and in the summer. I was not about to miss a week of swimming. So, I made sure I could use a tampon comfortably and went on with my summer.
We’d been messing around and getting off for months before we had piv sex. First piv sex was nice, but not spectacular. I will never forget the words he said to me immediately after. “Well, that was over about the time you got into it.”
We laughed then and we still laugh about it.
Oral sex came first for me. I didn’t know that was an American thing. I feel like a true patriot. (*snorfle*)
I didn’t bleed the first time either. At that point I had been using a Cup (Diva or Moon, can’t remember the brand) and I remember that hurt a LOT the first few months I used it. No way of knowing if I bled first time I used one, though, because of course I was already having a period. And I used tampons a long time before that. Plus tons of horseback and bike riding.
Seems like more of us didn’t bleed?
Count me in the “oral seems more intimate” camp.
I also get the impression that it’s pretty normal for teens, which is fine, except that I do think there is an expectation that boys will receive and girls will provide. But, I haven’t been a teen for more than a decade, so maybe I’m missing some significant information.
I guess that’s what people usually believe, but… I still don’t get how that’s supposed to work? If you imagine the vagina as a sort of tube, and the hymen as a sort of, well, seal, within it… Now, if you keep bouncing the tube up and down, that won’t really put any stress on the seal inside the tube, right? In order to put any stress or pressure on the seal, you would have to either insert something inside the tube, or pull at the tube from the sides so that the opening is stretched out that way. So if people were saying that ballet or gymnastics, where you sometimes stretch your legs really wide apart, broke hymens, that would be sort of comprehensible. But unless your riding a hippo or the world’s fattest horse, your legs aren’t that wide apart while riding. So I really don’t get how horse-back riding would, anatomically speaking, break a hymen?
I strongly suspect that this whole “doing sports might break your hymen”-thing was invented in order to encourage girls to be passive… Or maybe because people simply needed a theory to explain cases of virgins not bleeding or feeling pain their first time.
@Dvärghundspossen That’s interesting to me about oral being considered more “advanced” than PIV sex — I knew that at one time, it was considered that way, but I didn’t realize the cultural change was US-specific. I wonder why? Leading theories: 1. US teenagers fear unintended pregnancy more. 2. US teenagers fear AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases more 3. The influence of Christian purity culture, which makes a big deal out of technical virginity (ie no PIV == you are still a virgin)
Oh, and the hymen thing — I think the “broke it riding horseback” isn’t a thing that ever really happened. I think it’s something we made up to explain the fact that there’s not always blood the first time. I think the legend dates back to a time when it would be very unusual for a woman to reach sex-having age without ever riding a horse, since horses were our main form of transportation.
Gah, hugs of solidarity, if wanted, to people who had crappy first times at PIV. For horror movie titles, how about Return of the Hymen? There’s nightmare fuel.
More TMI warning and I wonder what other people’s experience with this might be:
Interestingly enough, in spite of all the bullshit I went through in trying to have PIV, and still having it hurt the first bunch of times after, my first time doing anal sex was not even slightly uncomfortable. But then, this guy knew what he was doing, and by that time I trusted him not to hurt me, so I was relaxed and we had lube, so it actually felt really good. Mind, we only did it twice, and the attempt with my next partner didn’t go so well. PIV now is actually one of my favourite sex acts when it’s done right, though.
Also adding to the needing to be really comfortable with a guy before I let him perform oral sex on me. I have three reasons for that.
1) As others have said, it just seems too intimate to do with just anyone.
2) I have a small growth that’s been there forever and I’m afraid a dude might think it’s something it’s not.
3) An ex I was with for six years was obsessed with performing oral sex on me and had a tendency to make my orgasms, the quantity of my orgasms, and the intensity of my orgasms all about him to the point where sometimes I’d have a small orgasm, and I’d be tired after that, but he’d say, “You’re not done!” and basically act like it wasn’t a good enough orgasm to stop. Or I’d have one, big or not, and he’d want to keep going right through my refractory period. Almost ruined oral sex for me, but thankfully I have met a guy since who made it fun again.
(Kay, reason three wasn’t actually supposed to be that long. lol)
Anyway, anyone else have similar experiences regarding anal sex, or with partners making every orgasm all about them?
Ah, hymens…the candy-wrapper/burglar-alarm system of the Virgo Intacta. Funny how much they’ve been fetishized, especially when so many girls are born with either hardly any, or none at all. And others have one that’s so tough that all the sex in the world can’t budge it (only stretch it a bit, whereafter it just bounces right back). And others still have ones that are totally imperforate, meaning their vaginas are all but grown shut, and that they’ll need a surgical intervention if they are to get their periods properly.
What an absolutely ridiculous thing for anyone to put anyone’s entire worth (or self-worth) into. And what an absolutely unreliable indicator of…well, anything at all. Stupidest fetish ever.
If sex hurts, it usually boils down to either “something is physically wrong”, or “somebody is doing something wrong”. The former’s a pain in the ass, but that’s why we have modern medicine. The latter’s also a pain in the ass, and that’s why we have sex therapy. Any guy who thinks “it’s supposed to hurt her” is one I’ll cheerfully knee in the nuts if he tries that shit on me.
Every woman’s hymen is different. Some women don’t really have much of one at all. There is no way to determine “virginity” by inspecting a hymen. Just not possible. Also, virginity is a social construct anyway. Some women have hymens that are known as “imperforate” where there isn’t an opening at all and they have to have minor surgery to make an opening. Everyone’s first time sex experience will vary according to several factors not including “hymen type.” Lol. But I’m not expert on the hymen.
Ninja’d by Bina.
Sorry, that should say “not just hymen type.”
For the poll: Hurt a lot and bloody mess. That is all I have to say about that.
Didn’t hurt much, no bleeding. but I was another who didn’t realise bleeding was supposed to happen til much later, so probably would have been panic-stricken if I /had/ bled.
I don’t think there was any bleeding my first time, at least not that I can remember. I was however very angry afterwards. Not because it was particularly traumatic or anything. I was just fuming over the sheer disappointment of it, and felt cheated by the whole world for making such a ruckus (ha!) about such a pointless, pathetic thing as this whole sex deal apparantly was. Lying liars that lied! lol
As for oral, I’ve never understood the “hype”. Much too similar to a gyn exam, and although not unplesant per se, I’ve always found it kinda meh. I can definitely relate to your experience with your ex, Alex. As sad as it sounds, I’ve never come across a guy interested in oral who didn’t seem to want to do it for anything but what at least felt like his own selfish reasons.
Oh, and shut up Woody.
Okay, since we’re talking about hymens:
A lot of romance novelists seem to be under the impression that the hymen is halfway up the vaginal canal (so when the hero devirginizes the heroine, he gets about halfway in before ripping through the seal o’virginity, which causes pain), which, as I hope we all know, is not anatomically possible.
(See here for more on this trope: http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/blog/where-is-the-hymen)
But this is what I wonder: given that most of these authors are women, are they possibly describing something that happens? Obviously not something to do with the hymen, but possibly something to do with inadequate lubrication/relaxation leading to a, um, sex speedbump? This wouldn’t be directly related to virginity, but I could see it being more common with women who haven’t had PIV sex before.
I’m a virgin, so I can’t speak from personal experience.
Alex: The main things I’ve heard about anal are “be gentle” and “use plenty of lube”. I know it feels good for me when I follow those instructions with toys, though it does get sensitive down there if there’s a lot of thrusting.
wordsp1nner,
In my experience, once the guy actually penetrates you, there aren’t really any speed bumps. It can be uncomfortable or even painful if you’re not relaxed/lubricated enough, but once he’s in, he doesn’t get stuck. But maybe someone else here has had a mid-vagina speed bump incident.
Anyway, I suspect that we could also potentially attribute the frequently misplaced hymens to romance novelists either following convention or to their being women who grew up without getting much in the way of sex ed or anatomy class before they had PIV sex for the first time. They probably learned a lot more later on but didn’t really read up on hymens because they didn’t have them anymore.
TMI AHEAD:
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…I’ve found best results by trying various things with my tongue until I figure out which one increases vaginal tension and girlfriend noise-making the most.
…Naturally, this is best assessed with as many digits as preferred/requested, stimulating the grafenberg spot, or G-spot. The G-spot is a ribbed bit of tissue to be found sort of slightly above and behind the clitoris on the vaginal wall, and is best accessed by hooking one’s lubricated fingers upward a bit.
Do note that saliva can cause pH imbalance. It is therefore best to use plenty of water-based lubricant on the inserted digits, despite what you see on YouPorn.
Do try to position yourself comfortably and move your arm from the shoulder instead of using only forearm and finger movements…why? Arm cramps can come at the most inconvenient instances, so you want to do things as ergonomically as possible.
Remember, practice makes perfect, and ask for feedback.
Feel free to pass that on to anyone that needs it.
You too, eh? Yeah, that was my big take-away from it all. The next day, I was struck by how much NOTHING had changed, when this was supposed to be THE big life-changing experience that would leave me, according to Fartiste, never the same again. Bullshit; I was exactly the same “me” as before. I wasn’t even walking funny, which is what all the urban legends claim that newly deflowered virgins do! Where was the drama and the trauma? Um…nowhere. Not much pain (and what there was, went away when I shifted position), no bleeding, and afterwards, I just laughed at the huge cosmic joke of it all. Because really, if that’s what women allegedly go to hell for not saving until marriage, the joke is on anyone who believes it. Hell is other people, and all of them idle, ill-informed gossips who know embarrassingly little about human anatomy.
The closest thing I can think of for guys is probably masturbation. “Oh, you’re going to go blind if you do that!” “Oh, you’re a loser who can’t get any women if you do that!” “The Church elders have frowned on that for ages, for Every Sperm is Sacred, and doing that is laughing in your future children’s souls’ faces!”
And then you start doing it, and you don’t go blind or get hair on your palms or lose all your female friends or go to Hell or anything like that, and you’re like “What’s the problem?”