I don’t usually comment much in the Open Threads, but here goes… I figure someone might recognize these feelings, considering we have many trans members here.
TW FOR DISCUSSION OF BODY SHAPE, so maybe people with eating disorders or the like shouldn’t read this, IDK, it’s not about dieting, but still.
I identify as cis, mainly because I feel okay with being referred to as “she” and “woman”, which is also what it says on my driver’s license. But if the subject specifically comes up, I sometimes elaborate that I’m probably not 100 % cis. And I was sort of confronted with this fact since, for various reasons, I’ve spent most of August abroad. Also, for the past two weeks, I haven’t had access to a gym, and I haven’t had access to good vegan food either, so I’ve eaten very little protein. And although intellectually I know that nothing much happens with your body during merely two weeks, I thought that I could feel my body changing… My muscles deteriorating, my weight dropping, and my boobs growing. The last is especially ridiculous. I mean, “get bigger boobs in two weeks” could be a particularly crappy Cosmo headline or something, but it doesn’t happen in real life. I know this. Still, it really felt as if I was returning to my natural bodyshape… which is a sort of thin hourglass with C-cups, whereas the body shape I’ve created for myself through gallons of blood, sweat and tears (or in any case sweat) is a bit more towards the V-shape, flatter chest and overall heavier. I got home and it turned out that I had lost one (!) kilo, and I’m maybe a teensy weensy bit weaker than before I left, but the difference is really not that big.
I came home yesterday, and just now I’ve worked out for the first time in weeks. I’m sitting here with post-workout trembling muscles, drinking a big hampa smoothie. Feels so good to be back to my normal food and exercise habits. Although I know that my entire body anxiety when I was abroad was just silly.
pallygirl
10 years ago
I haven’t got anything to say except, I’m pleased you’re feeling good now.
Thanks Pallygirl. 🙂 I just wish I could have been more rational about the whole thing – I do know that your body don’t just change like that in no-time.
pallygirl
10 years ago
Well, you thought your body had changed, so I wouldn’t characterise your feelings as not rationale. And you will start losing some muscle capability in a two week absence from your normal exercise routine. I also wouldn’t say your body anxiety was “silly” – no body anxiety is.
pallygirl
10 years ago
*rational, that’s my spelling ability on 3 hours sleep.
Thanks. 🙂
This is a cool place, because you can talk about anything. I mean, there are loads of feminist spaces where people talk about feeling fat and stuff, not living up to society’s norms etc, and I totally understand that there’s a great need for talking about this since it affects so many women. However, I don’t really feel at home in such discussions, because I personally haven’t felt anxiety over not living up to ideals etc. I used to look in the mirror and sort of think that yeah, I kind of look as you’re “supposed” to look as a woman, so that’s fine, I guess? Only I never really felt at home in that body with its thin little arms, C-cups and so on. I feel so much more at home in a body with bigger arms, bigger shoulders, flatter chest etc, although I totally realize that this is not how a woman is “supposed” to look according to society. Society’s body norms=/=what I feel comfortable with.
I wonder if someone’s ever done a Kinsley scale for cis-trans?
pallygirl
10 years ago
You’re happy with what you’re happy with. It’s actually very positive that you have an achieved (let alone achievement) idea of how you want your body to look and feel. That’s more than a lot of people. It sounds like your attitude towards your body is very healthy, both mentally and physically. I can’t see how this can be criticised.
I guess I could begin to identify as genderqueer, but I feel so different from the genderqueer people that I know. Other genderqueers seem to be
a) younger than me (I know one single exception to this rule)
b) like to dress in an androgynous way, have short hear, wear no make-up and so on. (I sometimes walk around like that because I couldn’t be bothered to do anything about my looks, and I have no anxiety or anything about being without make-up or in baggy men’s clothes – but I often like to put on tons of make-up, jewellery, feminine tops and so on, and is currently in the process of saving out my hair.)
c) find pronouns important.
I just don’t fit that mold. My only bit of transiness is that I wanna have a muscular, broad-shouldered and flat-chested body. Except for that I’m fine with my assigned gender. So I don’t know what to call myself, really. I guess I’ll just continue with “cis”, and the elaboration “…but maybe not 100 %” if the topic comes up.
@Dvärghundspossen, I get what you mean about feeling like you’ll have instant repercussions for stepping off your routine. I always start to worry if I go more than 2 days without my supplement regimen, which is nonsensical. But there you go.
pallygirl
10 years ago
Is not having a label for your identity causing you any issues? Labels can be limiting, although they obvious carry the “I’m in this category” signifier benefit. I don’t know enough about this to help, other than offer encouragement where I can, sorry.
No Pally, I don’t think so. It’s not a problem, really. Except maybe when you encounter a certain kind of genderqueer social justice activist who thinks there’s a super sharp dividing line between cis and trans, and if you’re on the cis side of it, that means you’re super comfortable with everything that has to do with your gender.
My personal trainer is really cool, though, I’m grateful to have zir. Zie’s that one exception to the “everyone identifying as genderqueer is younger than me” rule, since zie’s in zir fifties and came out a few years ago. (Zie used to identify as a really butch lesbian.) Zie’s totally cool with me going “my ultimate goal is to look like Captain America on the Winter Soldier movie poster!”. Zie doesn’t go “but…. but… In that case, you must start going by ‘zie’ and yada yada yada because you can’t look like that as a woman!” but rather just “okay, I’ll see what kind of realistic exercise program I can come up with for you that’s gonna get you as close to that as possible”. 🙂
I kind of feel you with the “cis but maybe not 100%” thing. I always feel a little weird talking about gender stuff, because it confuses the living daylights out of me.
Some days I kind of feel like I’m a woman by factory default settings, but I don’t really feel like a dude so I’m okay with being a woman, only I don’t really know what feeling like a dude would feel like so I could be inadvertently a dude and just not know it and I’m not sure if the way I feel is feeling like a woman because the only advice I’ve ever heard about how being a woman feels is either “feeling like yourself” — not helpful — or long, passionate descriptions of the epitome of womanhood or femininity known as maternal fluffy feelings which I don’t really have, or…
Yeah.
I usually just run away from the labels, because trying to wrap my head around them leads to mass confusion (like the above).
Everything was less confusing back when I didn’t have the time for existential crises like gender and was too busy trying to learn and memorize tons of stuff.
Oh dear, I also love Excel… When my mother volunteered to be the Lunch Lady at my children’s school, I used Excel to create the lunch ordering sheets because the I didn’t like the old ones.
Of course, I took a 9 month long certificate program, which spent 3 weeks on Excel, so that may explain that…
(Currently using excel to do all of my math because the calculator on my desk sucks).
And ignore the extra *the I threw in there, please.
Unimaginative
10 years ago
I like Excel, and I use it a lot for certain applications, but whenever I have to do something new, I have to google how. I think most programs are like that. You only figure out how to use it when you need to use it. I’ve got a lot of people suckered into thinking I’m computer-savvy, because I’m really good at the few things I do regularly. The rest is all Linear A.
Kim
10 years ago
@Dvärghundspossen
I think this would be a good example of “if you consider yourself a woman, and are comfortable being a woman, then your body is a woman’s body no matter how you sculpt it”. Just as true for cis people as trans* people.
In other news, I’ve been learning to make macarons. I followed the instructions on http://themacarondiaries.tumblr.com/therecipe and they are coming out so perfect. I made strawberry ones with french buttercream filling most recently and they are so yum. They are quite easy (if time-consuming) to do if you follow the instructions carefully, and considering they can be several dollars per macaron to buy, well worth making yourself if you have the time. Yes, Tumblr isn’t all bad. 🙂
We Hunted The Mammoth
Hey Fibinachi, that’s some good stuff!
Who won the Go game of the angry man and the lamp post?
Also, I recall that you and I share a birthday. Although I am almost, but not quite, twice your age.
Gratz Fibinachi, well deserved!
/hands grumpycatisagirl a walking stick so she can chase the young’uns off her lawn.
Welcome to the club. 🙂
I don’t usually comment much in the Open Threads, but here goes… I figure someone might recognize these feelings, considering we have many trans members here.
TW FOR DISCUSSION OF BODY SHAPE, so maybe people with eating disorders or the like shouldn’t read this, IDK, it’s not about dieting, but still.
I identify as cis, mainly because I feel okay with being referred to as “she” and “woman”, which is also what it says on my driver’s license. But if the subject specifically comes up, I sometimes elaborate that I’m probably not 100 % cis. And I was sort of confronted with this fact since, for various reasons, I’ve spent most of August abroad. Also, for the past two weeks, I haven’t had access to a gym, and I haven’t had access to good vegan food either, so I’ve eaten very little protein. And although intellectually I know that nothing much happens with your body during merely two weeks, I thought that I could feel my body changing… My muscles deteriorating, my weight dropping, and my boobs growing. The last is especially ridiculous. I mean, “get bigger boobs in two weeks” could be a particularly crappy Cosmo headline or something, but it doesn’t happen in real life. I know this. Still, it really felt as if I was returning to my natural bodyshape… which is a sort of thin hourglass with C-cups, whereas the body shape I’ve created for myself through gallons of blood, sweat and tears (or in any case sweat) is a bit more towards the V-shape, flatter chest and overall heavier. I got home and it turned out that I had lost one (!) kilo, and I’m maybe a teensy weensy bit weaker than before I left, but the difference is really not that big.
I came home yesterday, and just now I’ve worked out for the first time in weeks. I’m sitting here with post-workout trembling muscles, drinking a big hampa smoothie. Feels so good to be back to my normal food and exercise habits. Although I know that my entire body anxiety when I was abroad was just silly.
I haven’t got anything to say except, I’m pleased you’re feeling good now.
Thanks Pallygirl. 🙂 I just wish I could have been more rational about the whole thing – I do know that your body don’t just change like that in no-time.
Well, you thought your body had changed, so I wouldn’t characterise your feelings as not rationale. And you will start losing some muscle capability in a two week absence from your normal exercise routine. I also wouldn’t say your body anxiety was “silly” – no body anxiety is.
*rational, that’s my spelling ability on 3 hours sleep.
Thanks. 🙂
This is a cool place, because you can talk about anything. I mean, there are loads of feminist spaces where people talk about feeling fat and stuff, not living up to society’s norms etc, and I totally understand that there’s a great need for talking about this since it affects so many women. However, I don’t really feel at home in such discussions, because I personally haven’t felt anxiety over not living up to ideals etc. I used to look in the mirror and sort of think that yeah, I kind of look as you’re “supposed” to look as a woman, so that’s fine, I guess? Only I never really felt at home in that body with its thin little arms, C-cups and so on. I feel so much more at home in a body with bigger arms, bigger shoulders, flatter chest etc, although I totally realize that this is not how a woman is “supposed” to look according to society. Society’s body norms=/=what I feel comfortable with.
I wonder if someone’s ever done a Kinsley scale for cis-trans?
You’re happy with what you’re happy with. It’s actually very positive that you have an achieved (let alone achievement) idea of how you want your body to look and feel. That’s more than a lot of people. It sounds like your attitude towards your body is very healthy, both mentally and physically. I can’t see how this can be criticised.
I guess I could begin to identify as genderqueer, but I feel so different from the genderqueer people that I know. Other genderqueers seem to be
a) younger than me (I know one single exception to this rule)
b) like to dress in an androgynous way, have short hear, wear no make-up and so on. (I sometimes walk around like that because I couldn’t be bothered to do anything about my looks, and I have no anxiety or anything about being without make-up or in baggy men’s clothes – but I often like to put on tons of make-up, jewellery, feminine tops and so on, and is currently in the process of saving out my hair.)
c) find pronouns important.
I just don’t fit that mold. My only bit of transiness is that I wanna have a muscular, broad-shouldered and flat-chested body. Except for that I’m fine with my assigned gender. So I don’t know what to call myself, really. I guess I’ll just continue with “cis”, and the elaboration “…but maybe not 100 %” if the topic comes up.
Haha, that should be short HAIR under point b), not hear. Sorry.
Thanks Pally, you’re sweet. 😀
@Dvärghundspossen, I get what you mean about feeling like you’ll have instant repercussions for stepping off your routine. I always start to worry if I go more than 2 days without my supplement regimen, which is nonsensical. But there you go.
Is not having a label for your identity causing you any issues? Labels can be limiting, although they obvious carry the “I’m in this category” signifier benefit. I don’t know enough about this to help, other than offer encouragement where I can, sorry.
*obviously. Maybe I should try to get some sleep.
No Pally, I don’t think so. It’s not a problem, really. Except maybe when you encounter a certain kind of genderqueer social justice activist who thinks there’s a super sharp dividing line between cis and trans, and if you’re on the cis side of it, that means you’re super comfortable with everything that has to do with your gender.
My personal trainer is really cool, though, I’m grateful to have zir. Zie’s that one exception to the “everyone identifying as genderqueer is younger than me” rule, since zie’s in zir fifties and came out a few years ago. (Zie used to identify as a really butch lesbian.) Zie’s totally cool with me going “my ultimate goal is to look like Captain America on the Winter Soldier movie poster!”. Zie doesn’t go “but…. but… In that case, you must start going by ‘zie’ and yada yada yada because you can’t look like that as a woman!” but rather just “okay, I’ll see what kind of realistic exercise program I can come up with for you that’s gonna get you as close to that as possible”. 🙂
Dvärghundspossen,
I kind of feel you with the “cis but maybe not 100%” thing. I always feel a little weird talking about gender stuff, because it confuses the living daylights out of me.
Some days I kind of feel like I’m a woman by factory default settings, but I don’t really feel like a dude so I’m okay with being a woman, only I don’t really know what feeling like a dude would feel like so I could be inadvertently a dude and just not know it and I’m not sure if the way I feel is feeling like a woman because the only advice I’ve ever heard about how being a woman feels is either “feeling like yourself” — not helpful — or long, passionate descriptions of the epitome of womanhood or femininity known as maternal fluffy feelings which I don’t really have, or…
Yeah.
I usually just run away from the labels, because trying to wrap my head around them leads to mass confusion (like the above).
Everything was less confusing back when I didn’t have the time for existential crises like gender and was too busy trying to learn and memorize tons of stuff.
(also, your personal trainer sounds awesome.)
Hey, contrapangloss, did you win the Go game with the man and the lamp post?
Yep.
The people of Fibtopia put forth a valiant effort, but the lamp post held firm. And became a bird. Then a wall. Then had tentacles.
Also, I stole back my corner.
Fibi and I have to do a rematch sometime where he gets to go first and I get to be sleep deprived.
🙂
…I love double-entry accounting (though only at the bookkeeping level)…
Oh dear, I also love Excel… When my mother volunteered to be the Lunch Lady at my children’s school, I used Excel to create the lunch ordering sheets because the I didn’t like the old ones.
Of course, I took a 9 month long certificate program, which spent 3 weeks on Excel, so that may explain that…
(Currently using excel to do all of my math because the calculator on my desk sucks).
Forgive me?
And ignore the extra *the I threw in there, please.
I like Excel, and I use it a lot for certain applications, but whenever I have to do something new, I have to google how. I think most programs are like that. You only figure out how to use it when you need to use it. I’ve got a lot of people suckered into thinking I’m computer-savvy, because I’m really good at the few things I do regularly. The rest is all Linear A.
@Dvärghundspossen
I think this would be a good example of “if you consider yourself a woman, and are comfortable being a woman, then your body is a woman’s body no matter how you sculpt it”. Just as true for cis people as trans* people.
In other news, I’ve been learning to make macarons. I followed the instructions on http://themacarondiaries.tumblr.com/therecipe and they are coming out so perfect. I made strawberry ones with french buttercream filling most recently and they are so yum. They are quite easy (if time-consuming) to do if you follow the instructions carefully, and considering they can be several dollars per macaron to buy, well worth making yourself if you have the time. Yes, Tumblr isn’t all bad. 🙂