A new video from Vocativ features a number of young women describing the sexual harassment – from creepy catcalls to actual physical assaults – they and countless other women face on the streets every day; the unsettling video, in which one woman, a former beauty queen, recounts her own sexual assault on the Washington DC metro last year, has been seen more than 2 million times on YouTube in the eight days it’s been up. (I’ve pasted it in at the end of the post.)
Some of these viewers have been Men’s Rights activists, and a lot of them aren’t too happy about it. Not about the street harassment. About the women speaking up against it. Indeed, one new Men’s Rights Redditor by the name of liuetenantwaffleiron was so angered by the video that he sat down and wrote a 700 word rebuttal of sorts – which quickly won him dozens of upvotes from others on the subreddit.
He started off with a story of his heroic efforts to stand up against one of the evil sexy women in the video, and the terrible price he paid for expressing his so brave opinions on the subject on Facebook:
Dear ‘harassed’ in the provocative attire,
I need to say this, and I literally have nowhere else I can say it, so I figured I’d say it here, and to you. I was facebook unfriended today by commenting on the sexual harassment video that’s been going around that you’re in.
Unfriended. The horror!
You were the one who said she likes to “dress provocatively” but that you don’t want to “deal with it,” and who was carrying a hidden camera with her to document all her public ‘harassment’ you get.
This sounds like the worst “missed connections” ad ever.
I simply replied:
“Dresses provocatively; provokes.”
I wasn’t aware of this, but apparently we straight men can’t help but utter the words “baby” or “nice toes, ma,” or “I want to cum on your tits” or “pregnant pussy is the best pussycat” every time we’re “provoked” by a woman in a short skirt or a long skirt or pants and a shapeless sweater wandering into our field of vision.
On top of the instant shit storm that erupted at my insinuation that you ought not to have been surprised at the attention you intentionally attracted, I was subsequently unfriended by the poster, an industry colleague of mine.
Gosh, who would ever imagine that being a dick to a woman who’s getting sexually harassed could possibly cause you any problems in the work world? What an outrage!
On top of the despair I felt at not being able to say more than three words in criticism without fingertips shooting into ear canals, I tried to imagine who those ‘harassing’ men were who called out to you.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. I was too busy crying, thinking of the terrible “despair” you felt when your dickish and completely unoriginal comment didn’t get you a standing ovation and a tiny little medal.
While a vanishing minority may truly have been confident about their romantic prospects with you, there’s no doubt that most knew that they didn’t stand a chance in hell. Yet, there you sauntered, dressed as sexily as you could, meticulously made up, flaunting that fact; Rubbing it in their faces that they would never have a chance at catching the eye of such a beauty, much less to speak with you, so much less to touch you.
Wait, you’re actually angry that you can’t automatically score a date with – or at least get a chance to grope – every single attractive woman you see? You’re going to have a rough time here on planet earth, dude, as there are literally billions of women out there who will never sleep with you or let you touch them.
Are none of these women allowed to wear clothes that you might find sexy? Or are they obligated to have sex with you if they do?
Would you really rather they dressed as drably as possible, with no makeup? Somehow I suspect that this would make you even madder.
Everything you do is seems to be to attract a man, yet when a man presumes to express that attraction, you’re offended to the core, and you demand that the rest of us be as well.
“Express their attraction?” What video did you watch, anyway? The men in the video I watched were doing a lot more than “expressing their attraction.” The woman you’re so angry at — the one wearing a short skirt and a hidden camera – faced what seemed like an unending series of leers and crude remarks from men as she walked down city streets. The women being interviewed described men “expressing their attraction” by groping and threatening them.
You are one of the most privileged people on Earth, and you dare to complain that some men don’t know their place, and won’t suffer your insults in silence.
Really? Because I watched that same video, and what I saw was a woman in her twenties getting endless harassment from men, some literally twice her size, for the terrible crime of … being an attractive young woman in public. How exactly is this a sign that she’s privileged?
I ask you: Do some men cross a reasonable line of decency? Of course they do. Some masturbate, and grope. Some do worse.
Oh, sure. Men might pull out their dicks, or shove you up against the wall on the subway, or you know, do that thing that starts with the word “r,” but none of this matters as much as the DESPAIR our manifesto writer felt when people on Facebook got annoyed at him for being a dick.
Perhaps its because they’re mentally unstable, or perhaps it’s because they’re so socially marginalized that they have no longer have incentive to behave civilly.
Huh. Apparently in the world of liuetenantwaffleiron — and a lot of other Men’s Rightsers — every guy who ever victimizes a woman has an excuse. They’re mentally ill. They’re “socially marginalized.” It’s never, say, that these guys are, you know, entitled shitheads who think they’re entitled to women’s bodies.
To paraphrase West Side Story, they’re depraved on account of they’re deprived — of a woman’s body, something that doesn’t actually belong to them.
In the cases illustrated in the video, I’m certain that there was no possibility of any of them having any sort of equal relationship with you, or to the other women featured, and you know it.
Really? Even if this were true, so fucking what? You’re not entitled to have a relationship — equal or otherwise — with any woman who strikes your fancy. You’re not entitled to harass every woman you see who’s out of your league, or already hitched, or just not interested in your asshole “nice guy” self.
In the absence of incentive to try to win your favor and to respect you, and in the presence of your garish flaunting to them of your unavailable sexuality, I have no doubt that some even grow to resent you.
Yeah, we picked up on that already, genius. As did every woman in the video, who saw clearly that the actions of the men who harassed them weren’t driven simply by attraction but by resentment and rage and a desire to demonstrate power over women they knew weren’t interested in them.
Whoever these predatory males are, they’re not me. I don’t know them. I don’t know where I can find them.
Really? Because you sound pretty much exactly like “these predatory males.” Maybe you haven’t harassed any women – yet – but your little manifesto is filled with the same toxic mixture of aggrieved entitlement that helps to fuel this kind of harassment.
I doubt they’re reading these words, or watching your videos. I’m terribly sorry they cross the line into physical contact, and stalking, and god knows what else, but we’re NOT those guys.
I hate to tell you this dude, but you’re already thinking like a harasser. I mean, you’re writing a 700-word manifesto attacking a woman you’ve never met because she had the temerity to walk down the street in a short skirt and record the harassment she got.
Yes, dressing sexily is absolutely your right, as is walking in that “provocative” outfit down the street while expecting a certain degree of civility from your countrymen. However …
Somehow I knew that “however” was coming.
However – know that your message to us is powerless to change the behavior of the ‘creeps’ that will physically harass you, and assault you, and worse.
Really? Then why are you getting so mad about the video? Somehow I suspect that you realize this sort of video does give harassed women a certain degree of power, both by shaming those men who might not realize how terrible their behavior really is, and by helping encourage and empower women to hollaback, as they say, at their harassers.
Your insistence to wear what you wear, and act as you act – while absolutely within your rights – undeniably makes you a more visible target to those perverts and predators.
And an even more visible target to the creepy entitled assholes of the Men’s Rights subreddit, apparently.
You are determined to ignore one of the most important factors in avoiding harassment and assault because you have the gall to be offended that lower-status males might dare to approach you.
And you, dude, have the gall to be offended by a woman talking frankly about the harassment she gets.
Furthermore, your constant antagonism of their attraction to you gives them reason to resent you.
No, I’m pretty sure you’re responsible for your own resentment here, given that it stems from an unacknowledged sense of entitlement.
These two factors expose you to risk that you simply don’t need to take, and I refuse to feel any guilt for your misadventures so long as you act with such a sense of entitlement and such a complete lack of common sense.
Well, forgive me for feeling no sorrow if no woman ever wants anything to do with your whiny, resentful, bitter ass.
ps- First time posting. Happy to be here
You’ll fit right in. Your sense of aggrieved entitlement is already pretty well-developed.
That, and access to the internet, is really all you need to be a Men’s Rights Activist.
Here’s the video. TRIGGER WARNING for detailed description of sexual assault:
Buzzfeed just posted a video which is relevant here.
http://youtu.be/lUJ24mblCLY
@dorabella:
I *love* that analogy. Another one that has occurred to me (which I need to write about more fully some time) is comparison to those charity workers you often see on the street or in shopping centres, with the clipboards and the well-rehearsed pitches and the “Just want to chat!” opening.
Occasionally they can become quite obnoxious with the guilt-tripping and resentment at being dismissed, which is completely at odds with the unsolicited approach.
Most of them are lovely and would never do such a thing, and will take it with good grace when a) your body language is telling them you’re not interested, or b) you say “not today thanks” when they ignore your body language and try to engage anyway.
But you have no way of knowing which ones will take it personally, or even what proportion of the total they make up (1 in 20? 1 in 50?).
That’s not to say you never want to give to charity. You may already be giving to a charity (or multiple charities!) on a regular basis. But that is completely irrelevant to whether or not, in this scenario, you want to give to THIS particular charity RIGHT NOW. You may just not like that particular charity, or you might not be in a situation where you feel able to provide money, or you may have decided there are better uses for your money that are completely unrelated to the charity collector and their pitch…
Since I’m a guy, and will necessarily have blind spots, I’d like to ask the Mammotheers – does this make sense? Is it an apt analogy?
Haribo Lector,
Please tell me you aren’t being serious. Read the thread. Learn why it isn’t a compliment. Also, stop doing it.
StrivingAlly, it seems reasonably decent. It catches the guilt I felt when I flat out ignored dudes at bus stops because I really didn’t want to do the oh crud he’s hitting on me and I don’t want to do the polite thing but polite mode is already initiated because eye contact was made and dear ceiling cat get me out of this conversation!!! Dammit how do I say I really don’t want to trade numbers without being rude?! Crudcrudcrudcrud…. Bus, why did you have to be late TODAY!!!
Not that that’d happen with every bus stop conversation. Out of 3 years of bus riding, that type of deal only happened every once in a while, but it was enough that I felt less rude ignoring the stuffing out of everyone than engaging in conversation on some days, because the benefits of a pleasant conversation with a stranger that day were outweighed by the risks of having to do the whole TRAPPED conversational dance.
It’s not perfect, because dudes aren’t charities and my guilt over not donating to muscular dystrophy at the register every shoppingday shouldn’t be comparable to me not giving a cat caller a smile. It just feels comparable to me because I’ve had politeness jammed into my head as the way to interact with strangers.
So, yeah… For everyone else YMMV for how good of an analogy it is.
I’ve had random weirdos say creepy things to me a couple of times during my four years of college. It was extremely creepy, especially the one time that one of these men tried to follow me home. Luckily, nothing happened and I never saw the guy again. I guess in the minds of MRAs, I provoked this incident by merely existing…
@ Haribo Lector:
“But it’s a compliment! I’m saying you WOULD be pretty if you smiled!”
So I’m not allowed to have a shitty day visibly? I can’t be sad, or worried, or merely thinking about my own life and not how I appear to others?
I have to hide my emotions in order to visually please random men I encounter?
…You’d be so handsome if you just…smiled..oh, THERE’s those pearly whites! What a pretty boy you are!
*barf*
Heh. Last time one tried the “Sorry to bother you” opener I said “Don’t worry, you’re not going to” without breaking stride.
For the analogy side … I’m not wild about it, because a charity actually has a good reason to be asking strangers for stuff. Men pressing their attentions on women in the street isn’t about them needing anything, or wanting to go out, it’s about control, about imposing themselves on us. With a charity, my feelings are “I’m sorry, but I am otherwise committed/not about to give anything to that cause/whatever.” With random men wanting my attention (which is very, very rare for me, I’m glad to say) there’s no sympathy, no “maybe another time,” no cause, no nothing. There’s no maybe, not ever. They can just fuck off and walk on legos forever.
I actually like your analogy, Dora. Sure, it’s not perfect from the motivation perspective, but the point isn’t the motivation of the people doing the harassing, it’s the effect on the target*. If you can at least start a previously clueless man thinking about the fact that hey, perhaps women do not like it when men do this, that’s a start. He may even say so to some of the men who he knows who aren’t going to give a damn if it’s a woman saying it!
@ DJC
Harassment that you get because people mistook you for a woman versus harassment you get when they know you’re a gay man, differences and (possibly? nobody ever thinks I’m a man so I don’t know) similarities is a perfectly valid thing to bring up during this conversation.
And yep, as everyone is saying, street harassment is at least as much about power as it is about sex. Sometimes it’s about horrible men with no respect for women’s boundaries wanting to touch someone they think is attractive, but even in those scenarios there’s a power-over element, and it’s ridiculous to pretend that any man doing that doesn’t recognize that the cringing, closed-off body language, miserable and/or angry facial expression and general air of unhappiness and frustration and fear that most women respond with is not a sign that women like what he’s doing. So, anyone who sees that response and keeps doing it anyway is clearly indicating that at best they don’t care if they’re making women uncomfortable, and at worse making women uncomfortable is the reason why they’re doing it.
*(Also, fwiw, I’ve had people selling tourist crap grab my hand/arm and try to pull me into their stores, so sometimes it can be a better analogy than you think – that’s only happened when I was wearing the “look, a woman who’s alone and/or with another woman and no men!” sign over my head)
DJG, thank you; I didn’t know that term was one to be avoided, like slurs, and wouldn’t have twigged from the context.
As for outdated terms, we all use them, or learn what current ones are, or what’s going to disturb or hurt people, and then stop using ’em when we’re told that. It’s only when people go right on using them there’s any question, surely.
And none of that changes that your experiences are real and you get to describe them, whatever other people’s terminology might be. They don’t get to frame your life.
DJG: I missed it earlier, but please don’t feel like you can’t talk about your experiences.
MRAs, the masters of projection, shown to be doing exactly what they like to accuse feminists of doing: manufacturing victimization.
a) No, it isn’t, and b) NOBODY OWES YOU “PRETTY”
So basically “you’re really ugly when you’re not smiling”. Nice!
Aaack. Comment monster ate my last one before I could even finish it, so here goes again:
a) No, it isn’t, and b) NOBODY OWES YOU “PRETTY”.
Also, any guy who tells me I would be pretty if I smiled deserves Teh Bitchface for not seeing that I’m already plenty pretty as is, and for being rude, and for not keeping his stupid bonersadz to himself. Pro tip: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR SAD BONER. YOU WANT TO BE SEEN AS AN EVOLVED MALE? FUCKING ACT LIKE IT, DAMMIT.
You know what? I am already pretty. I can say that (at least on the internet, but that’s another story) without shame. My self-worth is not tied to how pretty you think I am. I am pretty as heck whether I am smiling or not, and so are most of the people I know! So shove off, because you are not my mirror.
Also, there’s a huge difference between wanting to see someone smile and wanting to make someone smile
And your chance of making me happy is about nil in zero, so fuck off.
QFT!
Relevant.
I was definitely not pleased to be told to smile by dome douche bag the time I had just found out that my grandfather died.
When someone tried the “smile, it might never happen!” line on me right after my mother died I told him that it already had.
I only recently started passing as a woman. I was on the train recently, sitting across from a dudebro who was looking me up the entire trip. He tried chatting with me a few times, I turned up the volume on my music. Eventually he pantomimed for me to pull one of my earbuds out, and I can’t tell you why, but I complied without thinking. Must be my inner masochist.
He does the guy nod thing. “Nice tits.”
My response? “Nice bank account. Do I get access to it when we’re married?”
He called me a whore and moved on.
I was seventeen when I was told, “Smile, bitch!” by some dude in a red car as he drove by. I was crying and standing under a tree minutes after having seriously considered throwing myself into traffic. Really not fond of men who tell women to smile. We have our own shit to deal with. I’ll smile when I’m actually happy (or wanting to kick a printer…lol).
Besides, men often take my smile (whether or not it was even directed at them!) as an permission to creep on me. So when a man tells me to smile, he’s basically demanding, “Invite me to sexually harass you”.
Congrats! Sorry about the crap that comes with that some of the time, but congrats anyway.
…My ex is a programmer.
She said her fellow programmers, on the whole, act more like she had had part of her brain removed, and not gender reassignment surgery. O.o
I have bitchy concentrating face – apparently I look like I’m really cross when I’m very focussed and problem-solving.* I was so pleased that the silly YouTube video came about about “bitchy resting face” because it was a meme everyone knew and I could use that as the basis for an explanation. Seriously, I’ve had co-workers come up to me and ask me what I’m upset about, if I’m okay, etc.
* I think I must furrow my brow when I’m trying to problem-solve. Apparently this makes one look cross. I thought it was a relatively common thing to do; it was in the fiction books I have read – normally indicated a person was thinking. Omigosh, this makes me old-fashioned in how I physically show I am concentrating. Gah!
Mum used to get that at work. I think I’ve had it a couple of times, maybe. I think these days I’d say “When I’m angry/upset about something, you. will. know.”
I get that all the time. The corners of my mouth turn down, my brows are low set and don’t arch and I don’t have a super bubbly personality. All of which are highly illegal for women. Particularly in the US which is so obsessed with positivity and optimism.
Now seems like a good time to plug Bright Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich again. I love that book.
http://www.amazon.com/Bright-Sided-Positive-Thinking-Undermining-America/dp/0312658850/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1407478024&sr=8-3&keywords=barbara+ehrenreich