Hon, it’s not unreasonable to feel the way you do as you sound like you’re expected to do the lion’s share of the work with the dog.
Given the situation, and this suggestion is coming from my complete ignorance of your homelife, so it may not be a good one:
is there a way the three of you (you, sister, mom) can sit down and come up with a plan for how to look after the dog when you or your sister isn’t capable? It sounds like the dog will go to the pound for rehoming/destruction if this can’t be worked through at your end.
It’s really unfair to have all the work land on one person, and also is not a good thing if your sister’s mental health is strongly dependent on the dog being present.
Is there any way your dad could have shifted somewhere else that accepted animals?
Marie
10 years ago
@pallygirl
I don’t knwo soryr.
I mean, thank you so much for the response.
id on’t know if giving her away would be good for her. she’s an old arthritic achey dog. She was at my stepmoms house earlier but then my dad moved out for half the week (he works in a nother state and just comes home during weekends) and we took ehr.
I really don’t like the way my stepmom talks about her anyway. She always says stuff like if the dog bites one of her kids shes getting putdown. she talks about putting down my dog all the timein front of me fuck her.
I do want he rto be able to stay but I feel like I can’t care for her and sister cant care for her. and I don’t know aboutasking mom she’ll just be all liek ‘well u said’ and she talks often enough about how she liked it when I did more things in the ouse (when my depression was better) and I dn’t know if she’d help.
Sister does what she can but she cna’t do too much wihtout being in pain. She helped me some tonight evne though it involved getting up.
We don’t take her out to use the bathroom enough I worry that she’ll get blader infections but we can’t jsut tie her out because our fucking neighrboors were complaining abou ther and now we have to follow the exact dog rules or lose or ‘pet priviliges’
Lea
10 years ago
Marie,
You are not worthless. That’s the illness talking.
This insomnia I have that’s goofy today? It wasn’t so funny back when it would last for so long that I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept for more than an hour at a time.
Depression is awful because even when it’s gone, you know it could come back. It makes you second guess yourself. You have not done anything wrong.
You have every right to tell your sister that the dog needs to go some place else until you can function in a way that will let you care for all your animals properly, or that you cannot keep it at all. It’s that or see if someone can come help you both out on a daily basis until you feel up to it. Is there a foster group near you who can help you? There are groups that specialize in owner surrenders in cases of hardship.
As for resentment, don’t beat yourself up for it. Forgive yourself for being human. You’re sister wants the dog and you understand why. She can understand you are ill and cannot keep up with the dog for her at this time.
pallygirl
10 years ago
Ah, the information about arthritis and age helps – she’s obviously a dog that needs more care than most.
If this is at all sensible in your situation, assuming that you and your sister really want to keep the dog (and it appears that you both do), can the three of you sit down and talk about:
– what activities are needed to look after the dog (by time of day too, if that helps)
– then discuss who is the first person assigned for each activity, and who is second if something happens and the first person can’t do their assigned activity – and whether any activity swaps could happen.
I don’t know what sort of situation your mom is in (workwise, healthwise) to know whether she would be interested in doing more of the dog activities knowing much important the dog is to you and your sister.
As we are not talking a young dog, these activities are not going to last for years.
Your local SPCA (?ASPCA) may be able to help you with respect to making it easier to look after the dog. They have lots of highly trained people that may be able to offer suggestions around little things that could be done that would make your lives easier with respect to taking care of the dog.
Sorry I keep calling her “the dog”, it comes across as cold but that’s all I can do to be specific without being able to use a name as all four of you are “her”‘s. 🙂
I wish there was something more I could offer in the way of support.
Dogs can be difficult even when you’re in full health mentally and physically. We love them to pieces, regardless, but it can get tough.
Maybe your sis can’t walk the pooch, or clean messes, or feed, but could she talk with you on the phone during walks, so it feels less tedious?
It you feel brave enough, talk to your mom. When you do, have a list ready: Reasons why we should keep her, reasons why caring for her is difficult, and the top one or two things that if she could help you with, would help.
It may not work, or you may not feel up to that meeting.
That’s okay.
It’s alright to feel a bit resentful. That’s human. As long as you don’t actually take it out on your sis, that’s okay.
Even if you do, apologize, and it’ll be okay.
Hope the dog gives you doggie kisses, should you want them, or quit tail thumps of support if you don’t.
That is a very difficult situation, Marie. I don’t want you to feel bad about not being able to do something that you aren’t up to doing. It’s not lazy or irresponsible for you to not do something that you aren’t up to doing; if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.
But on the other hand, as you know, the dog needs care and that care needs to get done by someone. So it does sound like your family should have a talk and try to work out a schedule that will get all the dog’s needs met.
Here are a few options that might lighten the burden a little:
-There are various accessibility options that might help your sister to handle more of the care. For instance, here are some items that help with walking a dog while in a wheelchair.
-If you’re worried about not taking her out to pee enough, you might get a potty patch so she can go indoors. (Of course these need to be cleaned, too, so it is a tradeoff.)
-You can get automatic feeders and water dishes. If they’re too expensive, you can make your own.
Marie
10 years ago
@katz
yay those look like good suggestions i’ll try to look more tomorrw ehn I not loopy thnks 😀
Also let me know if there are specific things that are difficult and I can try to work out other options for you.
Marie
10 years ago
@katz
well the dog cna’t walk well hse has arthritis 🙁 🙁 🙁 So we can’t take her out on walks long. but i thnk i’ll just reread this tommorrow tbh. I don’t think I”m absorbing anythign now. I may even be repating myself.
ps ur awesome : D
pallygirl
10 years ago
Ooo repating yourself sounds great. You should always pat yourself more than once for a job well done. 🙂
Yes, I know you meant repeating, but it’s cooler with the typo IMO. 🙂 🙂
pallygirl
10 years ago
test
Shaun Day
10 years ago
Swooping in to give hugs to anybody who wants them. Also YAY for hormones!
Re: 3 yo potty training…sending the Lego walk of doom to his mom.
So, I have this Plenty of Fish account (please don’t laugh at me) that I use to stroke my ego when I’m feeling undesirable. I’ve never met up with anyone or gone on a date with someone I met on any kink or dating site. When my self-esteem is in the shitter though I’ll give the account a bump, add a cute image of myself and appreciate any attention I get from seemingly likable individuals. I figure it’s better than seeking validation through sex. I did that a lot at eighteen/nineteen and, while exciting at the time, all it ultimately gave me was grief. In short, my self-esteem is pathetically low and I rely on the praise of others for validation.
I resurrected the account the other day for that purpose but also as a networking tool. The profile is pretty explicit that if I’m looking for anything it’s expanding my social circle and I cannot see myself dating for a long time. I go as far as to state in it that I’m processing a very ugly breakup that’s basically destroyed me so you’ll be lucky if you get flirting out of me. In other words, be my friend. Don’t try to fuck me. If intellectual and emotional and sexual compatibility are present and we have shared goals, it’ll happen. I’m not looking for it though so don’t come to me looking for it. If you want to tell me I’m pretty though and you do it in a nice way, it’s appreciated.
Then I receive this turd from a kid several years younger than myself:
“I’m not trying to be rude but that approach probably isn’t going to get you the most responses on here. People are assholes but dudes arent trying to hear that shit about your ex”
Gosh, I’m sorry! I’d almost forgotten it was my job to ensure my profile caters to your wants! How dare I not behave in accordance with your preferences. Thank you for the unsolicited advice. It is your job as a man to correct me when I’m uppity.
And now another bro sends me a message saying I sound like I COULD be “brutally nice” but my profile makes me sound like a “bleeding heart” and some shit about how unattractive he finds that.
Where do these bros get the impression I want or need their advice, it’s their place to advise me or that they have any right to dictate how I present myself ie: in accordance with their preferences?
Politely advising them in advance that you’re looking for friends rather than relationships or hookups. The End Of Online Conversation is at hand. We’re all doomed. (But if you’d just be quiet about your intentions and your preferences, all will be well again.)
Well, I’ve been too sleepy to recall much (only got 6 hours’ sleep last night) but we did have the picnic I’d been wanting. It was like a pre-birthday party, ‘cos everyone was there – not just the family members we see most often (Louis’s father, sons, youngest sister and associated in-laws), but his mother and first wife and her partner, as well as Armand and Marie-Madeleine (aka Richelieu and Mme d’Aiguillon, for those who know French history of the period).
The snippets I do remember include lots of joking around, everyone sharing out food, catching up with the people we hadn’t seen for a while, various people playing instruments they’d brought and others dancing, and Louis doing his lute version of Glory Days, to much laughter and applause.
That’s the way to spend a summer day.
pallygirl
10 years ago
@kitteh: that sounds really nice. 🙂
@marinerachel: that’s lovely how they mansplained how you should do your profile. At least them typing out unwanted and boring crap is a few minutes of their lives they will never get back. That was one of your feminist superpowers kicking in – forcing them to have to tell you how to do a profile “right”. Please only use your powers for good. 🙂 🙂
pallygirl
10 years ago
I should say, I’m off to bed now myself. I am hoping this will be three nights in a row where I don’t need codeine to get to sleep. I’m scared about going to work on Monday, I am catastrophising about someone knocking my left side, or that the train motion will hurt me.
At least I can touch the scar tissue area in my armpit without wanting to vomit – and I have a very, very strong stomach.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Hon, it’s not unreasonable to feel the way you do as you sound like you’re expected to do the lion’s share of the work with the dog.
Given the situation, and this suggestion is coming from my complete ignorance of your homelife, so it may not be a good one:
is there a way the three of you (you, sister, mom) can sit down and come up with a plan for how to look after the dog when you or your sister isn’t capable? It sounds like the dog will go to the pound for rehoming/destruction if this can’t be worked through at your end.
It’s really unfair to have all the work land on one person, and also is not a good thing if your sister’s mental health is strongly dependent on the dog being present.
Is there any way your dad could have shifted somewhere else that accepted animals?
@pallygirl
I don’t knwo soryr.
I mean, thank you so much for the response.
id on’t know if giving her away would be good for her. she’s an old arthritic achey dog. She was at my stepmoms house earlier but then my dad moved out for half the week (he works in a nother state and just comes home during weekends) and we took ehr.
I really don’t like the way my stepmom talks about her anyway. She always says stuff like if the dog bites one of her kids shes getting putdown. she talks about putting down my dog all the timein front of me fuck her.
I do want he rto be able to stay but I feel like I can’t care for her and sister cant care for her. and I don’t know aboutasking mom she’ll just be all liek ‘well u said’ and she talks often enough about how she liked it when I did more things in the ouse (when my depression was better) and I dn’t know if she’d help.
Sister does what she can but she cna’t do too much wihtout being in pain. She helped me some tonight evne though it involved getting up.
We don’t take her out to use the bathroom enough I worry that she’ll get blader infections but we can’t jsut tie her out because our fucking neighrboors were complaining abou ther and now we have to follow the exact dog rules or lose or ‘pet priviliges’
Marie,
You are not worthless. That’s the illness talking.
This insomnia I have that’s goofy today? It wasn’t so funny back when it would last for so long that I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept for more than an hour at a time.
Depression is awful because even when it’s gone, you know it could come back. It makes you second guess yourself. You have not done anything wrong.
You have every right to tell your sister that the dog needs to go some place else until you can function in a way that will let you care for all your animals properly, or that you cannot keep it at all. It’s that or see if someone can come help you both out on a daily basis until you feel up to it. Is there a foster group near you who can help you? There are groups that specialize in owner surrenders in cases of hardship.
As for resentment, don’t beat yourself up for it. Forgive yourself for being human. You’re sister wants the dog and you understand why. She can understand you are ill and cannot keep up with the dog for her at this time.
Ah, the information about arthritis and age helps – she’s obviously a dog that needs more care than most.
If this is at all sensible in your situation, assuming that you and your sister really want to keep the dog (and it appears that you both do), can the three of you sit down and talk about:
– what activities are needed to look after the dog (by time of day too, if that helps)
– then discuss who is the first person assigned for each activity, and who is second if something happens and the first person can’t do their assigned activity – and whether any activity swaps could happen.
I don’t know what sort of situation your mom is in (workwise, healthwise) to know whether she would be interested in doing more of the dog activities knowing much important the dog is to you and your sister.
As we are not talking a young dog, these activities are not going to last for years.
Your local SPCA (?ASPCA) may be able to help you with respect to making it easier to look after the dog. They have lots of highly trained people that may be able to offer suggestions around little things that could be done that would make your lives easier with respect to taking care of the dog.
Sorry I keep calling her “the dog”, it comes across as cold but that’s all I can do to be specific without being able to use a name as all four of you are “her”‘s. 🙂
I wish there was something more I could offer in the way of support.
Marie, I’m so sorry.
Dogs can be difficult even when you’re in full health mentally and physically. We love them to pieces, regardless, but it can get tough.
Maybe your sis can’t walk the pooch, or clean messes, or feed, but could she talk with you on the phone during walks, so it feels less tedious?
It you feel brave enough, talk to your mom. When you do, have a list ready: Reasons why we should keep her, reasons why caring for her is difficult, and the top one or two things that if she could help you with, would help.
It may not work, or you may not feel up to that meeting.
That’s okay.
It’s alright to feel a bit resentful. That’s human. As long as you don’t actually take it out on your sis, that’s okay.
Even if you do, apologize, and it’ll be okay.
Hope the dog gives you doggie kisses, should you want them, or quit tail thumps of support if you don’t.
Um thanks fro advice guys I am glad fo rit.
I’m just thinking on it atm.
Think all you need.
:: hugs :: for when you feel like them. I zipped them in hug-preserver bags.
@contrapangloss
thank you hugs very need ::unzips bag::
yeah and all thanks all again you’re aweesome <<<3333
I might be gettting slightly loopy sorry usually my spelling decreases when I"m loopy
.
I hope you feel better soon. 🙂
@pallygirl
no loopy is good atm 😀 its much better than feeling terrible
plus everyitngs funny right now so theres taht.
Plus you get to play whack-a-troll in the other thread. 😀
@kittehs
😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
That is a very difficult situation, Marie. I don’t want you to feel bad about not being able to do something that you aren’t up to doing. It’s not lazy or irresponsible for you to not do something that you aren’t up to doing; if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.
But on the other hand, as you know, the dog needs care and that care needs to get done by someone. So it does sound like your family should have a talk and try to work out a schedule that will get all the dog’s needs met.
Here are a few options that might lighten the burden a little:
-There are various accessibility options that might help your sister to handle more of the care. For instance, here are some items that help with walking a dog while in a wheelchair.
-If you’re worried about not taking her out to pee enough, you might get a potty patch so she can go indoors. (Of course these need to be cleaned, too, so it is a tradeoff.)
-You can get automatic feeders and water dishes. If they’re too expensive, you can make your own.
@katz
yay those look like good suggestions i’ll try to look more tomorrw ehn I not loopy thnks 😀
Also let me know if there are specific things that are difficult and I can try to work out other options for you.
@katz
well the dog cna’t walk well hse has arthritis 🙁 🙁 🙁 So we can’t take her out on walks long. but i thnk i’ll just reread this tommorrow tbh. I don’t think I”m absorbing anythign now. I may even be repating myself.
ps ur awesome : D
Ooo repating yourself sounds great. You should always pat yourself more than once for a job well done. 🙂
Yes, I know you meant repeating, but it’s cooler with the typo IMO. 🙂 🙂
test
Swooping in to give hugs to anybody who wants them. Also YAY for hormones!
Re: 3 yo potty training…sending the Lego walk of doom to his mom.
http://ph.churpchurp.com/images/stories/thumbnails/257644.jpg
So, I have this Plenty of Fish account (please don’t laugh at me) that I use to stroke my ego when I’m feeling undesirable. I’ve never met up with anyone or gone on a date with someone I met on any kink or dating site. When my self-esteem is in the shitter though I’ll give the account a bump, add a cute image of myself and appreciate any attention I get from seemingly likable individuals. I figure it’s better than seeking validation through sex. I did that a lot at eighteen/nineteen and, while exciting at the time, all it ultimately gave me was grief. In short, my self-esteem is pathetically low and I rely on the praise of others for validation.
I resurrected the account the other day for that purpose but also as a networking tool. The profile is pretty explicit that if I’m looking for anything it’s expanding my social circle and I cannot see myself dating for a long time. I go as far as to state in it that I’m processing a very ugly breakup that’s basically destroyed me so you’ll be lucky if you get flirting out of me. In other words, be my friend. Don’t try to fuck me. If intellectual and emotional and sexual compatibility are present and we have shared goals, it’ll happen. I’m not looking for it though so don’t come to me looking for it. If you want to tell me I’m pretty though and you do it in a nice way, it’s appreciated.
Then I receive this turd from a kid several years younger than myself:
“I’m not trying to be rude but that approach probably isn’t going to get you the most responses on here. People are assholes but dudes arent trying to hear that shit about your ex”
Gosh, I’m sorry! I’d almost forgotten it was my job to ensure my profile caters to your wants! How dare I not behave in accordance with your preferences. Thank you for the unsolicited advice. It is your job as a man to correct me when I’m uppity.
And now another bro sends me a message saying I sound like I COULD be “brutally nice” but my profile makes me sound like a “bleeding heart” and some shit about how unattractive he finds that.
Where do these bros get the impression I want or need their advice, it’s their place to advise me or that they have any right to dictate how I present myself ie: in accordance with their preferences?
Gross. Fucking gross.
WTF is “brutally nice” anyway? Apart from an oxymoron, that is.
How rude of you!
Politely advising them in advance that you’re looking for friends rather than relationships or hookups. The End Of Online Conversation is at hand. We’re all doomed. (But if you’d just be quiet about your intentions and your preferences, all will be well again.)
Well, I’ve been too sleepy to recall much (only got 6 hours’ sleep last night) but we did have the picnic I’d been wanting. It was like a pre-birthday party, ‘cos everyone was there – not just the family members we see most often (Louis’s father, sons, youngest sister and associated in-laws), but his mother and first wife and her partner, as well as Armand and Marie-Madeleine (aka Richelieu and Mme d’Aiguillon, for those who know French history of the period).
The snippets I do remember include lots of joking around, everyone sharing out food, catching up with the people we hadn’t seen for a while, various people playing instruments they’d brought and others dancing, and Louis doing his lute version of Glory Days, to much laughter and applause.
That’s the way to spend a summer day.
@kitteh: that sounds really nice. 🙂
@marinerachel: that’s lovely how they mansplained how you should do your profile. At least them typing out unwanted and boring crap is a few minutes of their lives they will never get back. That was one of your feminist superpowers kicking in – forcing them to have to tell you how to do a profile “right”. Please only use your powers for good. 🙂 🙂
I should say, I’m off to bed now myself. I am hoping this will be three nights in a row where I don’t need codeine to get to sleep. I’m scared about going to work on Monday, I am catastrophising about someone knocking my left side, or that the train motion will hurt me.
At least I can touch the scar tissue area in my armpit without wanting to vomit – and I have a very, very strong stomach.