Hey guys, is this the place to post about my experiences with MRA’s in the wild? As mentioned in previous posts I used to date an MRA who associated with a group of fellow MRAs. I’ve been out having post exam drinks thought (I’m in Australia so timezones are a bit wonky) so won’t be able to write up something proper until Sunday arvo australian western standard time. Sorry for any typos, I’ve been put celebrating wooooooo š
Congratulations! And I doubt anyone would mind reading experiences like that.
in fact, cheers! Cheers in this mead I just got and was looking for an excuse to sample anyhow.
AngryMouse
10 years ago
Cheers Fibinachi! I really want to to write a comment about how MRAs preach the idea of ‘healthy male sexuality’ vs ‘not all men’ in practice when they are in relationships (hint: IT DOSENT WORK). I’ve actually been waiting for ages for for one of these open thread to pop up and you happen to do one just when I’m drunk and out celebrating??? If y’all can hang tight for 12 hours or so I’ll write you something coherent and nice.
Also, those hormones I’m taking? Are provided by the clinic for free. The clinic is specifically for poor trans youth. So while I still need a job for various essential things, I don’t need it for hormones.
[TMI: body stuff?]
In many ways, life is becoming worse. But at last I have reached the point of achieving one of my most important life goals: transitioning. I can barely even express how relieved I am about this development. I was going to come out to my dad’s side of the family first before starting hormones, but a friend tells me that, in their experience, family members will be prompted to learn to accept trans children or change their relations with said children as soon as they start transitioning somehow. And besides, I have no reason to neglect my own physical and psychological well-being for the sake of enacting a form of preemptive damage control that wouldn’t even help in the first place (in other words, I don’t really have any reason to assume that coming out to them first would be more beneficial for anyone, let alone me).
Oh, I was going to actually use that note. Oops. Anyway, in preparation for my transition, I am going to shave/trim all of my body hair. I’m going to get my hair neatly trimmed. And I’m going to try to muster the courage to buy some foundation as well.
And along with all of that, I am going to continue to train my voice. It is now extremely easy to do because I am surrounded by trans women friends who would never insult me for my voice. Many of them are trying to work on their voice as well.
I’m no longer alone. I no longer have to feel like I have no hope in transitioning. It’s all starting to happen. I’m crying in a happy way right now. I can’t believe that this is happening. And none of this would have happened without both my efforts and the help of friends and family. Thank you so much, everyone, for helping me reach this point in my life – one way or another.
Kat
10 years ago
Thanks all, we tried as peaceably as possible to tell her that:
1) He’s too young for escalating or rollover punishments
2) Denying basic enjoyments is
2a) harsh
2b) doomed to cause an uncontrollable mischief-spiral
3) He isn’t peeing himself out of malice, he is *just now learning to use the toilet*
4) Punishing him for toileting accidents could cause lifelong health problems and neuroses
She just kept saying “but he knows what he’s doing is wrong” and “not punishing him wasn’t working” then refused to believe us when we pointed out or non-punishment method has had him without a single accident (when we’ve had him) since we first put him in ‘big boy pants.’ The more we tried to say no, really, he’s three and his thinking just isn’t sophisticated enough for that, the more belligerent she got until she was cutting us off immediately with “he knows! He does know!”
I tried to explain, re: the toileting thing, that even if he knows on *some* level that he is being punished for peeing himself and not for peeing in general, on another level which is still very influential, the connection is saying “pee = shouting = smacking = punishment = anger = confiscation = tears = shame = sadness =…etc.” and as a result what we are *already seeing happening* is that we ask him if he needs to pee, he shouts stroppily “NO! I don’t need a pee!” and tries to escape into the next room, then when he is (gently) convinced to try anyway, he was bursting.
But no, she loudly insisted he is completely aware of what he is doing when he has accidents and of the fact that punishments are only for “malicious peeing” and that this isn’t harming his attitude to toilet training in general.
I have a handful of hopes, including that maybe she’ll swallow her pride and have a serious look at our side of the chart, or maybe her partner or one of her friends who are a bit less heated about the whole thing will suggest she give it a bit of a chance/compromise or whatnot…or that the only reason we’re seeing any effects of this madness is that she had him for such a long period of time for once, and that now it’s back to normal (60/40 but the 40 percent he is with her, a lot of that is not actually with her since she works full time) it won’t have as strong an influence on him.
I have the option of transitioning even sooner, but I need a week to mentally prepare myself. This is going to be a huge change.
inurashii
10 years ago
Ally I’m super happy that you’re getting to transition. I’m starting the process myself! *hi5*
I’ve started laser surgery on my face and once my bloodwork comes back I can schedule a hormone readiness assessment. Also I’ve been living pretty much full-time as a woman at this point; I’m really lucky to be in an environment where I can.
Mind you, sometimes I have a bad moment and my brain eats itself (I wrote a short interactive story about that, actually: http://philome.la/inurashii/cis-gaze ). But all in all it’s very exciting.
And @inurashii too, whose post came in while I was typing! All the hugs to you all, if they’re wanted
Marie
10 years ago
@Ally
I have begun to question whether Iām truly allistic. I may have some form of mild autism, which isnāt a bad thing to me (although the extreme stigma against AS people is awful).
you may not be allistic. I”m like super uneducated on autism stuff, even though I was diagnosed with PDD/NOS (maybe changed by now???) years ago, but spent years trying to act like it didn’t happen.
um, so rambles? Not sure where that went.
And yay for hormones š Congrats!
And along with all of that, I am going to continue to train my voice. It is now extremely easy to do because I am surrounded by trans women friends who would never insult me for my voice. Many of them are trying to work on their voice as well.
It’s great that you’ve got a good place to train your voice and supportive friends :3 All of this is such good news, I”m so happy for you!
@kittehs
hope you have a good night :3
@Kat
seconding the ‘poor kid’ bit š Hopefully when it’s back to normal time things will be better, meanwhile sending good thoughts your way, and glad he has a parent like you.
@inurashii
And yay for you being able to start transitioning, too š
titianblue
10 years ago
Just wanted to say that I’m on holiday for the week & probably won’t be posting as much. If I see any furrinati, I shall, of course, photograph & post. Wish you could all be here with me …
@Ally and @inurashii: congrats on where you’re both up to in the transitioning process. While I am a cis-female I can comment on IPL as a method for permanent hair removal, which I had done for my armpits and lower legs (heavily) with some on the upper leg as well. I found it to be a painful process for the sensitive areas (i.e. it hurt on the armpits but not on the legs, where I have waxed and epilated, so used to pain). But: I am so happy I did it. I have almost completely removed all my underarm hair and lower leg hair, and the upper leg hair is much thinner (but only did I think 5 treatments on the upper leg). I’m looking to get my bikini line done that way too.
@Kat: do you think she will ever hit her son, over something like this? She sounds like she has an anger problem if she gets so upset over toileting mistakes when she only has him for 40% of the time.
We’re very lucky in that we have a supportive family – but you’re right, with the vomiting my sis could use some attention. I speak to both of them often and just saw them this past weekend for a big family gathering, and she’s holding together ok… just the stress, esp. the financial stress, is wearing her completely out.
BIL took leave from work – he’s on short-term disability. He works in a caring profession, so burn-out was one cause, plus a whole lot of other issues (not medical, situational) that have been piling up on both of them. (Long story… to do with his ex and his kids). He is seeing a counsellor, though he’s missed the last two sessions. Sister would like to go with him to a session (he is open to that), not sure when it’s happening.
Also, those hormones Iām taking? Are provided by the clinic for free.
SO MUCH ENVY ZOMG. (My preferred hormones, if not covered by my insurance, cost over $400 a month. That’s over half my income now so yeah no.)
RE: Kat
But no, she loudly insisted he is completely aware of what he is doing when he has accidents and of the fact that punishments are only for āmalicious peeingā and that this isnāt harming his attitude to toilet training in general.
…seriously, that’s what all abusers say about children. That the overly strict punishments are justified because the kids are DOING IT ON PURPOSE. Honest to god, Kat, the more you say about this woman, the more creeped out I am, because… uh… that’s basically how a lot of child abuse starts, as punishments going overboard. I’m not saying this woman’s an abuser herself, just… really fucking creepy, okay?
@Marie I’m going to address this because wow, it really took me by complete surprise, and stung a little.
I am in no way blaming him for anything. Neither is my sister. As I stated, both of us have experienced depression, long-term depression in fact. It’s why this is so difficult for her – she isn’t angry at him, she doesn’t blame him, but that doesn’t change the repercussions. She isn’t against him taking time off work, it’s simply that their finances can’t handle it and he has been unable or unwilling to discuss anything to do with that, and unwilling to make any adjustments to how money is being used. She handles the bills and the money. They haven’t paid rent yet, because the money to pay it isn’t there. She had to borrow money to cover his child support. She’s terrified. But how to address all of this with him without making him feel worse than he already does? That’s her concern (in addition to making sure they have money to live… esp. since his daughter is coming to live with them in Sept)
As someone who has been depressed (and who is fortunate to have discovered why and have it able to be treated – thyroid, in my case), I’m fully aware that it isn’t just me that suffers when it happens… it affects the lives of the people around me as well. That isn’t selfish or blamey or dismissive to talk about, it’s reality. I love my sister, and I love my BIL and I (of course) want them to get through this ok. So does she. That’s all.
Ally, I’m so glad you got hormones! Transitioning is going to make you feel so much better for yourself. And fistbump to inurashii, too. Hormone treatments all around!
I’m being feelnig realy resenntful to my sister but she doesn’t deserve it.
Basically what happened is our dad moved and couldn’t take his dog with him. We took her but mom’s thing was under grounds of ‘we take care of the dog’. Sister wants dog to help make her feel better and I know from beginning I’ll be doing most of the work (she can’t do that much because of chronic pain.)
But now my depressions really, really bad, and even taking care of my own pets is hard work, much less taking care of myself or the dog, both of which have been slipping badly.
I resent her for wanting the dog over even though I knew everything from teh beginning and agreed to it, so it’s kind of my fault but I jsut feel like shit and dont know what tto do.
I can’t even take care of a fcuking dog right it’s probably some kind of animal neligence i”m fucking worthless.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Hey guys, is this the place to post about my experiences with MRA’s in the wild? As mentioned in previous posts I used to date an MRA who associated with a group of fellow MRAs. I’ve been out having post exam drinks thought (I’m in Australia so timezones are a bit wonky) so won’t be able to write up something proper until Sunday arvo australian western standard time. Sorry for any typos, I’ve been put celebrating wooooooo š
@AngryMouse:
Congratulations! And I doubt anyone would mind reading experiences like that.
in fact, cheers! Cheers in this mead I just got and was looking for an excuse to sample anyhow.
Cheers Fibinachi! I really want to to write a comment about how MRAs preach the idea of ‘healthy male sexuality’ vs ‘not all men’ in practice when they are in relationships (hint: IT DOSENT WORK). I’ve actually been waiting for ages for for one of these open thread to pop up and you happen to do one just when I’m drunk and out celebrating??? If y’all can hang tight for 12 hours or so I’ll write you something coherent and nice.
Go for it, AngryMouse! It is late here (well, later than in WA, I’m in Victoria).
Yay for exams being over – good luck with the results!
Also, those hormones I’m taking? Are provided by the clinic for free. The clinic is specifically for poor trans youth. So while I still need a job for various essential things, I don’t need it for hormones.
[TMI: body stuff?]
In many ways, life is becoming worse. But at last I have reached the point of achieving one of my most important life goals: transitioning. I can barely even express how relieved I am about this development. I was going to come out to my dad’s side of the family first before starting hormones, but a friend tells me that, in their experience, family members will be prompted to learn to accept trans children or change their relations with said children as soon as they start transitioning somehow. And besides, I have no reason to neglect my own physical and psychological well-being for the sake of enacting a form of preemptive damage control that wouldn’t even help in the first place (in other words, I don’t really have any reason to assume that coming out to them first would be more beneficial for anyone, let alone me).
[TMI: body stuff? (continued)]
Oh, I was going to actually use that note. Oops. Anyway, in preparation for my transition, I am going to shave/trim all of my body hair. I’m going to get my hair neatly trimmed. And I’m going to try to muster the courage to buy some foundation as well.
And along with all of that, I am going to continue to train my voice. It is now extremely easy to do because I am surrounded by trans women friends who would never insult me for my voice. Many of them are trying to work on their voice as well.
I’m no longer alone. I no longer have to feel like I have no hope in transitioning. It’s all starting to happen. I’m crying in a happy way right now. I can’t believe that this is happening. And none of this would have happened without both my efforts and the help of friends and family. Thank you so much, everyone, for helping me reach this point in my life – one way or another.
Thanks all, we tried as peaceably as possible to tell her that:
1) He’s too young for escalating or rollover punishments
2) Denying basic enjoyments is
2a) harsh
2b) doomed to cause an uncontrollable mischief-spiral
3) He isn’t peeing himself out of malice, he is *just now learning to use the toilet*
4) Punishing him for toileting accidents could cause lifelong health problems and neuroses
She just kept saying “but he knows what he’s doing is wrong” and “not punishing him wasn’t working” then refused to believe us when we pointed out or non-punishment method has had him without a single accident (when we’ve had him) since we first put him in ‘big boy pants.’ The more we tried to say no, really, he’s three and his thinking just isn’t sophisticated enough for that, the more belligerent she got until she was cutting us off immediately with “he knows! He does know!”
I tried to explain, re: the toileting thing, that even if he knows on *some* level that he is being punished for peeing himself and not for peeing in general, on another level which is still very influential, the connection is saying “pee = shouting = smacking = punishment = anger = confiscation = tears = shame = sadness =…etc.” and as a result what we are *already seeing happening* is that we ask him if he needs to pee, he shouts stroppily “NO! I don’t need a pee!” and tries to escape into the next room, then when he is (gently) convinced to try anyway, he was bursting.
But no, she loudly insisted he is completely aware of what he is doing when he has accidents and of the fact that punishments are only for “malicious peeing” and that this isn’t harming his attitude to toilet training in general.
I have a handful of hopes, including that maybe she’ll swallow her pride and have a serious look at our side of the chart, or maybe her partner or one of her friends who are a bit less heated about the whole thing will suggest she give it a bit of a chance/compromise or whatnot…or that the only reason we’re seeing any effects of this madness is that she had him for such a long period of time for once, and that now it’s back to normal (60/40 but the 40 percent he is with her, a lot of that is not actually with her since she works full time) it won’t have as strong an influence on him.
Poor kid. š
Kay, all the luck in the world. At least the kiddo has one safe space, with you.
*Kat. Autocorrect, knock it off!
I have the option of transitioning even sooner, but I need a week to mentally prepare myself. This is going to be a huge change.
Ally I’m super happy that you’re getting to transition. I’m starting the process myself! *hi5*
I’ve started laser surgery on my face and once my bloodwork comes back I can schedule a hormone readiness assessment. Also I’ve been living pretty much full-time as a woman at this point; I’m really lucky to be in an environment where I can.
Mind you, sometimes I have a bad moment and my brain eats itself (I wrote a short interactive story about that, actually: http://philome.la/inurashii/cis-gaze ). But all in all it’s very exciting.
@kat and Ally, Wishing all the best to both of you!
And @inurashii too, whose post came in while I was typing! All the hugs to you all, if they’re wanted
@Ally
you may not be allistic. I”m like super uneducated on autism stuff, even though I was diagnosed with PDD/NOS (maybe changed by now???) years ago, but spent years trying to act like it didn’t happen.
um, so rambles? Not sure where that went.
And yay for hormones š Congrats!
It’s great that you’ve got a good place to train your voice and supportive friends :3 All of this is such good news, I”m so happy for you!
@kittehs
hope you have a good night :3
@Kat
seconding the ‘poor kid’ bit š Hopefully when it’s back to normal time things will be better, meanwhile sending good thoughts your way, and glad he has a parent like you.
@inurashii
And yay for you being able to start transitioning, too š
Just wanted to say that I’m on holiday for the week & probably won’t be posting as much. If I see any furrinati, I shall, of course, photograph & post. Wish you could all be here with me …
http://instagram.com/p/pesbo6F–8/
@Ally and @inurashii: congrats on where you’re both up to in the transitioning process. While I am a cis-female I can comment on IPL as a method for permanent hair removal, which I had done for my armpits and lower legs (heavily) with some on the upper leg as well. I found it to be a painful process for the sensitive areas (i.e. it hurt on the armpits but not on the legs, where I have waxed and epilated, so used to pain). But: I am so happy I did it. I have almost completely removed all my underarm hair and lower leg hair, and the upper leg hair is much thinner (but only did I think 5 treatments on the upper leg). I’m looking to get my bikini line done that way too.
@Kat: do you think she will ever hit her son, over something like this? She sounds like she has an anger problem if she gets so upset over toileting mistakes when she only has him for 40% of the time.
@pallygirl
We’re very lucky in that we have a supportive family – but you’re right, with the vomiting my sis could use some attention. I speak to both of them often and just saw them this past weekend for a big family gathering, and she’s holding together ok… just the stress, esp. the financial stress, is wearing her completely out.
BIL took leave from work – he’s on short-term disability. He works in a caring profession, so burn-out was one cause, plus a whole lot of other issues (not medical, situational) that have been piling up on both of them. (Long story… to do with his ex and his kids). He is seeing a counsellor, though he’s missed the last two sessions. Sister would like to go with him to a session (he is open to that), not sure when it’s happening.
RE: Ally
Also, Iām starting hormones next week. Yay!!!
Yay! Congratulations!
Also, those hormones Iām taking? Are provided by the clinic for free.
SO MUCH ENVY ZOMG. (My preferred hormones, if not covered by my insurance, cost over $400 a month. That’s over half my income now so yeah no.)
RE: Kat
But no, she loudly insisted he is completely aware of what he is doing when he has accidents and of the fact that punishments are only for āmalicious peeingā and that this isnāt harming his attitude to toilet training in general.
…seriously, that’s what all abusers say about children. That the overly strict punishments are justified because the kids are DOING IT ON PURPOSE. Honest to god, Kat, the more you say about this woman, the more creeped out I am, because… uh… that’s basically how a lot of child abuse starts, as punishments going overboard. I’m not saying this woman’s an abuser herself, just… really fucking creepy, okay?
@Marie I’m going to address this because wow, it really took me by complete surprise, and stung a little.
I am in no way blaming him for anything. Neither is my sister. As I stated, both of us have experienced depression, long-term depression in fact. It’s why this is so difficult for her – she isn’t angry at him, she doesn’t blame him, but that doesn’t change the repercussions. She isn’t against him taking time off work, it’s simply that their finances can’t handle it and he has been unable or unwilling to discuss anything to do with that, and unwilling to make any adjustments to how money is being used. She handles the bills and the money. They haven’t paid rent yet, because the money to pay it isn’t there. She had to borrow money to cover his child support. She’s terrified. But how to address all of this with him without making him feel worse than he already does? That’s her concern (in addition to making sure they have money to live… esp. since his daughter is coming to live with them in Sept)
As someone who has been depressed (and who is fortunate to have discovered why and have it able to be treated – thyroid, in my case), I’m fully aware that it isn’t just me that suffers when it happens… it affects the lives of the people around me as well. That isn’t selfish or blamey or dismissive to talk about, it’s reality. I love my sister, and I love my BIL and I (of course) want them to get through this ok. So does she. That’s all.
@lensman – I don’t have words. Other than… your daughter definitely is better off with you in her life. Yes, yes, yep.
@Ally – amazing! I’m thrilled for you. You deserve all the happiness, all of it.
@LBT
Wow, that’s just a ridiculous amoutn of money O_o
Ally, I’m so glad you got hormones! Transitioning is going to make you feel so much better for yourself. And fistbump to inurashii, too. Hormone treatments all around!
(To people who want them.)
Ugh I need some help here.
I’m being feelnig realy resenntful to my sister but she doesn’t deserve it.
Basically what happened is our dad moved and couldn’t take his dog with him. We took her but mom’s thing was under grounds of ‘we take care of the dog’. Sister wants dog to help make her feel better and I know from beginning I’ll be doing most of the work (she can’t do that much because of chronic pain.)
But now my depressions really, really bad, and even taking care of my own pets is hard work, much less taking care of myself or the dog, both of which have been slipping badly.
I resent her for wanting the dog over even though I knew everything from teh beginning and agreed to it, so it’s kind of my fault but I jsut feel like shit and dont know what tto do.
I can’t even take care of a fcuking dog right it’s probably some kind of animal neligence i”m fucking worthless.