Thirding Avira; I use it, and now that Windows XP is no longer supported, the antivirus has kindly started taking up the slack so I can use it longer! 😀 It does make a little announcement when it updates, I think, but it’s pretty easy to turn off. (I just shortened the time so I see it’s announcement but don’t have to look at it long.)
D’aww, he’s adorable! Look at those plump wittle cheeks, I wanna pinch them! (Well, I’m theory, I’m practice I remember hating my grandmother doing that so I wouldn’t actually do it, but look at that little guy!)
serrana
10 years ago
Yay Shaenon! Yay babies!
BreakfastMan
10 years ago
Can I get some hugs, Mammothers? My persistent self-loathing is really acting up and I keep verbally lashing out at my family because of it, creating a viscous cycle driving me even further into self-loathing. And I don’t like hurting them or myself. D:
contrapangloss
10 years ago
::Hugs::
Been there, too, once upon a time. All the hugs you need, feel free to have.
On the topic of computer stuff from earlier: Does anyone know if there’s a way to transfer ITunes from and IPod to a computer? I got a virus a while back and lost my ITunes. I still have plenty in my IPad but if I redownload ITunes and sync it, it will erase my IPod. Apple won’t let you recover but is there some sneaky loophole available to so?
Do you mind telling us what you think is behind your self-loathing?
BreakfastMan
10 years ago
No idea. I have suffered from it off and on for around a decade. It mostly manifests itself as feeling that I am incredibly stupid and massively incompetent, but over the years it has grown to include feeling that I am a mean, hurtful person who has anger issues and that needs to be isolated from people for everyone’s best interest.
All the hugs, Breakfastman! I know whereof you speak. All the sympathy.
contrapangloss
10 years ago
Breakfastman, I have a bit of social anxiety with a tinge of impostor syndrome for flavor, and what you’re saying sounds really, really similar.
I had (and occasionally still have before I beat it back again) the irrational feelings that I was/am incompetent at everything, an idiot, completely unlovable, and that everyone I knew really hated me but were just too polite to say it, or that they only acted like they liked me because they didn’t know me well enough to hate me, like they should. My jerk-brain also loved to convince me that people telling me that I was intelligent were just being bamboozled by me doing deceptively simple things, or by luck, or things like that, and that I wasn’t smart, at all.
I get really grouchy with people, and then felt horrible about being a grouch, and kept thinking that everything would be better if I stayed in my room, and never came out. I’d even have mean thoughts, and feel guilty for them, and get a bit self-loathy for that.
Those thoughts, lies of my jerk-brain.
I only went to a couple counseling sessions a while back, but they were pretty helpful… I don’t know if they would help you, but is there any free or cheap counseling services in your area?
I also try to keep a couple cards on hand, with nice things people have said that my jerk-brain has a harder time trying to convince me are lies, for when it starts trying to be jerkish again.
If you’re open to suggestions, Breakfastman, after I changed my diet, my rage and anxiety faded down to a nice, serene apathy. Every once in a while I eat something out of spec and it flares up again, and I rage at people all out of proportion (a couple of weeks ago I had chips and dip on the weekend, and just about took the head off our new office manager the following Monday when she asked for my cell phone number). Not necessarily a cure-all, but it might be worth a try.
No idea. I have suffered from it off and on for around a decade. It mostly manifests itself as feeling that I am incredibly stupid and massively incompetent, but over the years it has grown to include feeling that I am a mean, hurtful person who has anger issues and that needs to be isolated from people for everyone’s best interest.
I feel the same way all the time. I don’t feel that I’m an angry person, but I still feel like I’m a horrible human being who should be isolated from everyone for their sake.
Self-hatred, for a lot of people, arises from a whole interplay of causes, so I understand why you have no idea where it’s all coming from. I don’t know much about you, so I’m not making any conclusions, but it might be helpful for you to know that trauma (due to bullying, abuse, etc.) is often a strong factor in self-hatred. Obviously self-hatred can arise from other factors, but trauma-induced self-hatred is very common. I know for a fact that a great deal of my self-hatred comes from trauma. That’s where the desire for being isolate from others comes from in my experience – my abusers have taught me that I’m such a horrible, wicked person that I don’t deserve to be loved or have any friends, and therefore shouldn’t even be a part of society.
Much of my self-hatred comes from the knowledge that there’s NO RATIONAL REASON for me to feel as angry and anxious as I have for the last couple of decades. If I had been abused, I could see a logical process behind it, but it all seems to be chemical, jerk-brain crap, which just makes me angrier. Jerkbrains are such assholes.
I can’t remember which thread had somebody looking for recipes for veggies, but here’s one I’m eating right now:
– 1 pint box of cherry tomatoes, sliced
– fresh okra, sliced into slimy wagon wheels (about twice as much as the tomatoes)
– 5 or 6 cloves or garlic, sliced thin
In a large-ish frying pan, heat up some olive oil or ghee or fat of choice. Fry the garlic until soft, then add the okra and let it get a little colour on it, then add the tomatoes, salt & pepper. When it’s all hot, serve. Don’t burn the garlic.
pallygirl
10 years ago
Hugs to everyone who wants them. Re self-hatred, it seems that our brains are hardwired (I refuse to say designed) to make self-hatred a relatively easy activity to undertake, compared to self-liking/self-loving. How fast can you remember the last compliment that someone gave you, that you and this is the key part completely agreed with as an accurate statement about yourself? But most of us accept negative comments about ourselves without question. It’s really sad, and not healthy.
If you’re feeling down, then there IS a rational reason to be feeling that way. Having a jerkbrain, however that happened, is a rational reason. Having a biological/biochemical basis is a rational reason. Please seek help if you can.
Re anti-virus: if you’re running Windows 7 or Windows 8, then apparently the default Windows anti-virus is really good now. I just hate the User Account Control settings with a vengeance, but they are good at preventing unexpected computer changes from occurring.
Re iTunes: I’m a bit lost why you would lose files, as I thought iTunes was designed to hold everything in your library, so you don’t lose files (music, books, podcasts). If you’re on a PC (sorry, have never used an Apple*), have you tried searching for all the iTunes files? I found iTunes music in an unexpected place after I deleted it from my PC when I got rid of my iPhone a few years ago. Have you tried to directly transfer files from your iPod to your computer – you should be able to do this via USB connection.
*Is it Apple or Mac these days? I give up.
bunnybunny
10 years ago
Hugs to you BreakfastMan. If therapy is an option, that can be quite helpful. It can be hard to look at yourself objectively when feeling this way, but sometimes I try to write about myself or the situation and it helps to get things in better order. Reading or watching a movie can sometimes interrupt the self-loathing spiral for me if I’m not up for self-reflection.
I’m also having a major flare up of self-hatred. I lost my first and only contract of my newly started self-employment a few weeks ago and then my depression started flaring up and today I found myself sobbing, wanting to hide in a corner, feeling I didn’t deserve love or success and thinking I fail at everything (I’ve gained weight in addition to my loss of employment), I’ve been snapping at everyone around me, haven’t been able to take care of myself, feeling like I’m a burden on my partner and friends. I have no advice for anyone. I just wanted to share that you are not alone.
If I can get my insurance shit figured out, I’m going to see a psychiatrist.
Hugs again. We all have jerkbrains…
BreakfastMan
10 years ago
Thanks for the hugs, all! It really helps.
@contrapangloss: Yeah, much of what you described sounds exceedingly familiar. As for counseling, I don’t know. I have never really looked into it, because I thought I could do the typical male thing, and push all those icky emotions down and just deal with it. I will consider looking into it.
@Ally: Thing is, I don’t recall any sort of abuse on the part of my parents or relatives. My parents were quite good and always made sure I knew that they loved me. And I never had problems from bullying, because I was always the biggest child in the class. So I am really not sure where it could come from, if it is trauma based. :
kittehserf MOD
10 years ago
lurkerina, extra hugs.
BreakfastMan
10 years ago
@bunnybunny: I tend to listen to extreme metal and extreme punk music a lot, because I find the dissonance, noise, and anger in the music to be helpful for working through my emotions and feelings of self-hatred. Like I transfer my emotions into the music, or something. It is hard to explain.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Malwarebytes is good, so is Avira.
On a different note, Shaennon had her baby. Is doing well.
Robin Kelty Farago (the smallish dapper chap on the right), born July 6, weighing in at seven pounds and four ounces and lengthing (?) in at nineteen and a half inches long. These figures are subject to rapid change and are doubtless already wrong. You know kids. Shaenon reports that the little fella enjoys eating, sleeping, and having hair.
Hooray for Shaenon & family! Hooray for babies!!! And thanks for updating us, pecunium.
Thirding Avira; I use it, and now that Windows XP is no longer supported, the antivirus has kindly started taking up the slack so I can use it longer! 😀 It does make a little announcement when it updates, I think, but it’s pretty easy to turn off. (I just shortened the time so I see it’s announcement but don’t have to look at it long.)
D’aww, he’s adorable! Look at those plump wittle cheeks, I wanna pinch them! (Well, I’m theory, I’m practice I remember hating my grandmother doing that so I wouldn’t actually do it, but look at that little guy!)
Yay Shaenon! Yay babies!
Can I get some hugs, Mammothers? My persistent self-loathing is really acting up and I keep verbally lashing out at my family because of it, creating a viscous cycle driving me even further into self-loathing. And I don’t like hurting them or myself. D:
::Hugs::
Been there, too, once upon a time. All the hugs you need, feel free to have.
All the hugs you need!
On the topic of computer stuff from earlier: Does anyone know if there’s a way to transfer ITunes from and IPod to a computer? I got a virus a while back and lost my ITunes. I still have plenty in my IPad but if I redownload ITunes and sync it, it will erase my IPod. Apple won’t let you recover but is there some sneaky loophole available to so?
(((((((((BreakfastMan))))))))))
:: hugs for BreakfastMan ::
Do you mind telling us what you think is behind your self-loathing?
No idea. I have suffered from it off and on for around a decade. It mostly manifests itself as feeling that I am incredibly stupid and massively incompetent, but over the years it has grown to include feeling that I am a mean, hurtful person who has anger issues and that needs to be isolated from people for everyone’s best interest.
All the hugs, Breakfastman! I know whereof you speak. All the sympathy.
Breakfastman, I have a bit of social anxiety with a tinge of impostor syndrome for flavor, and what you’re saying sounds really, really similar.
I had (and occasionally still have before I beat it back again) the irrational feelings that I was/am incompetent at everything, an idiot, completely unlovable, and that everyone I knew really hated me but were just too polite to say it, or that they only acted like they liked me because they didn’t know me well enough to hate me, like they should. My jerk-brain also loved to convince me that people telling me that I was intelligent were just being bamboozled by me doing deceptively simple things, or by luck, or things like that, and that I wasn’t smart, at all.
I get really grouchy with people, and then felt horrible about being a grouch, and kept thinking that everything would be better if I stayed in my room, and never came out. I’d even have mean thoughts, and feel guilty for them, and get a bit self-loathy for that.
Those thoughts, lies of my jerk-brain.
I only went to a couple counseling sessions a while back, but they were pretty helpful… I don’t know if they would help you, but is there any free or cheap counseling services in your area?
I also try to keep a couple cards on hand, with nice things people have said that my jerk-brain has a harder time trying to convince me are lies, for when it starts trying to be jerkish again.
More hugs from here, BreakfastMan!
Also, more hugs.
If you’re open to suggestions, Breakfastman, after I changed my diet, my rage and anxiety faded down to a nice, serene apathy. Every once in a while I eat something out of spec and it flares up again, and I rage at people all out of proportion (a couple of weeks ago I had chips and dip on the weekend, and just about took the head off our new office manager the following Monday when she asked for my cell phone number). Not necessarily a cure-all, but it might be worth a try.
TW: self-hatred
I feel the same way all the time. I don’t feel that I’m an angry person, but I still feel like I’m a horrible human being who should be isolated from everyone for their sake.
Self-hatred, for a lot of people, arises from a whole interplay of causes, so I understand why you have no idea where it’s all coming from. I don’t know much about you, so I’m not making any conclusions, but it might be helpful for you to know that trauma (due to bullying, abuse, etc.) is often a strong factor in self-hatred. Obviously self-hatred can arise from other factors, but trauma-induced self-hatred is very common. I know for a fact that a great deal of my self-hatred comes from trauma. That’s where the desire for being isolate from others comes from in my experience – my abusers have taught me that I’m such a horrible, wicked person that I don’t deserve to be loved or have any friends, and therefore shouldn’t even be a part of society.
Much of my self-hatred comes from the knowledge that there’s NO RATIONAL REASON for me to feel as angry and anxious as I have for the last couple of decades. If I had been abused, I could see a logical process behind it, but it all seems to be chemical, jerk-brain crap, which just makes me angrier. Jerkbrains are such assholes.
I can’t remember which thread had somebody looking for recipes for veggies, but here’s one I’m eating right now:
– 1 pint box of cherry tomatoes, sliced
– fresh okra, sliced into slimy wagon wheels (about twice as much as the tomatoes)
– 5 or 6 cloves or garlic, sliced thin
In a large-ish frying pan, heat up some olive oil or ghee or fat of choice. Fry the garlic until soft, then add the okra and let it get a little colour on it, then add the tomatoes, salt & pepper. When it’s all hot, serve. Don’t burn the garlic.
Hugs to everyone who wants them. Re self-hatred, it seems that our brains are hardwired (I refuse to say designed) to make self-hatred a relatively easy activity to undertake, compared to self-liking/self-loving. How fast can you remember the last compliment that someone gave you, that you and this is the key part completely agreed with as an accurate statement about yourself? But most of us accept negative comments about ourselves without question. It’s really sad, and not healthy.
If you’re feeling down, then there IS a rational reason to be feeling that way. Having a jerkbrain, however that happened, is a rational reason. Having a biological/biochemical basis is a rational reason. Please seek help if you can.
Re anti-virus: if you’re running Windows 7 or Windows 8, then apparently the default Windows anti-virus is really good now. I just hate the User Account Control settings with a vengeance, but they are good at preventing unexpected computer changes from occurring.
Re iTunes: I’m a bit lost why you would lose files, as I thought iTunes was designed to hold everything in your library, so you don’t lose files (music, books, podcasts). If you’re on a PC (sorry, have never used an Apple*), have you tried searching for all the iTunes files? I found iTunes music in an unexpected place after I deleted it from my PC when I got rid of my iPhone a few years ago. Have you tried to directly transfer files from your iPod to your computer – you should be able to do this via USB connection.
*Is it Apple or Mac these days? I give up.
Hugs to you BreakfastMan. If therapy is an option, that can be quite helpful. It can be hard to look at yourself objectively when feeling this way, but sometimes I try to write about myself or the situation and it helps to get things in better order. Reading or watching a movie can sometimes interrupt the self-loathing spiral for me if I’m not up for self-reflection.
I hope you feel better.
Hugs to all.
I’m also having a major flare up of self-hatred. I lost my first and only contract of my newly started self-employment a few weeks ago and then my depression started flaring up and today I found myself sobbing, wanting to hide in a corner, feeling I didn’t deserve love or success and thinking I fail at everything (I’ve gained weight in addition to my loss of employment), I’ve been snapping at everyone around me, haven’t been able to take care of myself, feeling like I’m a burden on my partner and friends. I have no advice for anyone. I just wanted to share that you are not alone.
If I can get my insurance shit figured out, I’m going to see a psychiatrist.
Hugs again. We all have jerkbrains…
Thanks for the hugs, all! It really helps.
@contrapangloss: Yeah, much of what you described sounds exceedingly familiar. As for counseling, I don’t know. I have never really looked into it, because I thought I could do the typical male thing, and push all those icky emotions down and just deal with it. I will consider looking into it.
@Ally: Thing is, I don’t recall any sort of abuse on the part of my parents or relatives. My parents were quite good and always made sure I knew that they loved me. And I never had problems from bullying, because I was always the biggest child in the class. So I am really not sure where it could come from, if it is trauma based. :
lurkerina, extra hugs.
@bunnybunny: I tend to listen to extreme metal and extreme punk music a lot, because I find the dissonance, noise, and anger in the music to be helpful for working through my emotions and feelings of self-hatred. Like I transfer my emotions into the music, or something. It is hard to explain.