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off topic open thread

Open Thread for Personal Stuff, June 2014 Edition

Hey, we're huggin here!
Hey, we’re huggin here!

An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.

As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.

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pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

@bunnybunny: have you seen another orthopaedic surgeon (I assume that was the specialty that did your surgery) for a second opinion about the pain/the long term negative outcomes you’re experiencing from the surgery? I’m hoping there might be a cause that is treatable, that could be picked up by someone else.

The hospital sounds dreadful, they should be bloody well concerned about negative post surgery effects being reported by patients.

strivingally
7 years ago

@Kat:
Oh boy. It’s a shame kids don’t come with a User’s Manual, because if they did the first page would say KIDS STILL HAVE GROWING BRAINS. THEY ARE STILL DEVELOPING. THEY ARE NOT ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ADULT CONCEPTS.

Trying to keep a kid in line with punishments that aren’t age-appropriate will only lead to problems in the long run. Developmentally a 3 year old CAN’T understand delayed punishments – they’re just not wired for it – so anything that “carries over” from a previous day comes across to them as unexpected and capricious. This can lead to extreme guilt and anxiety to please, or acting out since they’re going to get punished anyway, even if they don’t understand the rules, so why bother being good?

I’m guessing the stepmum would not be amenable to any kind of subtle hints towards more age-appropriate discipline methods…

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

My two cats who are my occasional lap cats have basically not been off my lap this morning. They are clearly psychic and picking up on all the sad things happening to people here, and are making themselves more available for cat cuddles on your behalfs.

I’m obliging. You’ve all given these two cats lots of smooches and cuddles this morning. 🙂

Fibinachi
7 years ago

I may have to sketch something! That’d be fun. We’ll probably go hiking… maybe a nice dinner… porn…

Ah, the sweet innonce of young love. It’s so cute! Just remember – no auto-erotic axysphiation before being engaged!

kittehserf
7 years ago

Michelle – no, I don’t think he’d go for a RenFaire at all, lol. Or if he did, he’d do what he and his little sister (Henriette Marie, sometime queen of England) did a couple of years back. His eldest was throwing a party, very much the stunning beautiful clothes thing. Louis and Henriettte turned up in jeans and leather jackets. “The elders are being outrageous” was son’s wry comment.

Henriette looks stunning in jeans and a leather bomber jacket, too. /envious

My man’s Louis XIII. There isn’t anything lengthy on the ‘net that I know of that’s worth reading, but there are some good short things. I like this page:

http://elfinspell.com/LiesandErrorsLouisXIII.html

An awful lot of short articles just repeat the old Encyclopaedia Britannica entry, or the Wikipedia one (plagiarism, what is that?). The best work on him I know is A. Lloyd Moote’s 1989 bio, which is an e-book these days, but I doubt you want to read an entire book! 😛

That’s a lovely story about being of service to that lady so she could be your hostess – both for its message and for the event itself. Warm fuzzies, yo. 😉

Falconer has traded in his teeny babies for big kids!

That’s what I thought too, katz! 😀

schwardevivre, Purple Poodle, hi and welcome!

pallygirl –

@LBT: sorry to hear that. I am of the impression that tragic backstories in fiction are more interesting to those that haven’t themselves got a tragic backstory – because it stays in the realm of fiction for them.

Fuck yeah. I hate tragic backstories even in fiction. Shit, I wrote a whole (woefully plotless) alternative history book changing Louis’s adult life because the real one sucked so much. I do not like tragedy in any form.

Also, kitty cuddles! 🙂

LBT, happy upcoming 7th, and love that leather anniversary cartoon!
(This is what you get for sitting around nekkid when you’re working on the computer, y’know.) 😛

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

Threadrupt

Whoa, three is too young for that stuff! Three is barely out of diapers. The serious chat needs to be about her having realistic expectations.

Ally,
Hugs if you want them. These are rough times for you and certain people seem determined to make them rougher. You deserve better. There are better days ahead, I promise.

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

@LBT and Fibinachi: it’s all fun and games until someone ends up in the ED. 🙂

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

More good news, everyone! I mentioned it in the other thread but MY FOOD STAMPS CAME IN! 8D This means me and hubby can celebrate our anniversary with a treat! Maybe we can bake a cake or something.

RE: pallygirl

the sketching or hiking or dinner photos sound great. 🙂

I don’t like taking photos of this vessel (not even for stalking reasons, I just feel it gives folks the wrong idea) but I can try to doodle our celebration for you!

RE: Fibinachi

Just remember – no auto-erotic axysphiation before being engaged!

I assure you, if I’m breathless, it’s for a totally different reason. Also, c’mon, auto-erotic is by necessity done alone!

RE: Kittehs

(This is what you get for sitting around nekkid when you’re working on the computer, y’know.)

…I actually didn’t mean to be naked, it was just I was drawing tiny little blobby people on tiny square-inch panels. Clothes were too much work.

kittehserf
7 years ago

…I actually didn’t mean to be naked, it was just I was drawing tiny little blobby people on tiny square-inch panels. Clothes were too much work.

I believe you.

No, really.

😉

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@LBT

Yay for foodstamps 😀

Tracy
Tracy
7 years ago

Sorry to be just blunt, but I’m upset and looking for any possible advice/guidance. My BIL is depressed, and stopped working. He’s gone on short-term disability and is seeing a counsellor (though has missed his last few sessions). The issue is that him being in disability has taken a huge toll on their household income and my sister isn’t able to cover the bills anymore, and BIL doesn’t want to talk about it. He stopped working without consulting her and without much warning.

My sister is stressed to the point of constantly vomiting. She (and I) have both experienced depression and she understands, but doesn’t know how to address the money situation without him shutting down; she doesn’t want to make him feel worse, or blame him, but… it’s a bad situation. There are legal situations that need to be addressed as well (ie: his daughter coming to live with them, but no legal papers have been set in motion) that she can’t handle for him, and can’t force him to handle.

Any ideas on how to talk about this with him in a productive, non-blamey way?

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

@Tracy: make sure your sister has her physical health looked after too, constantly vomiting can have serious medical consequences. Your sister may also require a lot of emotional support as she’s got got a large burden on her shoulders too.

If BIL has stopped working because of the depression (not sure if he has a health issue that caused the depression, that then led to the stop working), it would be best if he got help from a non-family member. I know you mean well, and we all do when we want to offer support to family members, but this can go really badly even when everyone starts with the best of intentions.

I’m not sure whether you mean he has lost his job, or whether he’s taking leave without pay and getting disability for that time. I would encourage him to seek help from a counsellor that specialises in whatever issue(s) your BIL is experiencing. If there is a multi-dimensional element to this, then it may be that an integrated healthcare centre with multiple health disciplines would be better than seeing a single counsellor or clinic that contains only counsellors.

Do you know if he is amenable to talking to someone neutral about the issue(s) he is facing?

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

@Tracy: sorry, should also have said that you make sure you look after yourself as well. 🙂

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@tracy

Maybe I”m feeling kind of deffensive cuz my depression is too bad for me to work, and I emaphzie a lot with him, but

He stopped working without consulting her and without much warning.

Um, eyah, cuz ppl aren’t psychic and can’t predict when their depression will randomly start acting up….

mildlymagnificent
7 years ago

@bunnybunny: have you seen another orthopaedic surgeon (I assume that was the specialty that did your surgery) for a second opinion about the pain/the long term negative outcomes you’re experiencing from the surgery?

One other option which is not always available … Use goggle or phone book to see if you can track down a pain management clinic and/or a specialist anaesthetist who concentrates on pain management. The anaesthetist I found almost by accident – I think the physio might have suggested him – was absolutely terrific. And his clientele was quite diverse, people like me with arthritis aggravated by other health issues, some workplace injuries, some trauma/car accident, some consequences of other surgeries. He can’t be the only one in the world.

Strangely enough — though not entirely — there are sometimes sports medicine clinics that have people who can help with this sort of thing. Be prepared to be disappointed if you find one but it turns out to be unhelpful. It’s a real lottery, but if you get a payoff you’ll be thrilled to bits.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Marie, yeah, you’re being defensive, and Tracy’s sister is ill from all this stress too.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@kittehs

and how was I ignoring that?

kittehserf
7 years ago

Only by focussing solely on BiL. Perhaps my inferring was at fault.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@kittehs

yeah, cuz my comment was just about ‘depressed people can’t predict the fucking future.’ Which was in response to ‘he stopped workign without consulting her/giving her warning’.

and yeah, that would be because depressed people can’t predict the fucking future.

Unless you want me to go ‘oh yeah sorry he should have been able to magically know his depression was going to act up’ so he could warn her, I’m not seeing how h ecould have.

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
7 years ago

I’m not sure how other people experience depression, but I generally know I’m in a downward spiral long before I’m at the can’t work stage. I don’t mean to pile on, Marie. Depression can be debilitating and hideous. I don’t get the sense that Tracy and her sister are going all “You suck, depressed person!” but are trying to cope with the extremely negative consequences of Tracy’s BiL’s depression.

Any ideas on how to talk about this with him in a productive, non-blamey way?

I think you’re being a tad defensive.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Who can predict the future? Predicting major illness isn’t exactly anyone’s talent. Your comment rubbed me the wrong way, because it seemed to be ignoring the real problems that have happened, the effects on the whole family, and his refusal to talk about things now. This is about what’s happening now, and no consulting with the people also affected meant no chance to plan.

I’m sorry, Marie, I don’t want an argument (least of all in an open thread).

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@unimaginative

yeah, everyone does experience depresison differently, cuz mine is like ‘fine fine fine fine FUCKING STOP EVERTHING’. your experience isn’t the only one out htere.

Yeah, thanks but that wasn’t the actual bit i quoted I was being defensive about. It wasn’t ‘oh hay tracey I have problem with everything you said’ and I wasnt reading it as ‘you suck depressed person’ i just don’t think expecting a wanring is always possible with depression.

kittehserf
7 years ago

…and ninjaed by Unimaginative, who said it much better, which is a double ninja!

kittehserf
7 years ago

Marie, she never said it was always possible: it’s how it happened.

But without warning isn’t the only way, and your experience isn’t universal either.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@kittehs

FFS, I was “Ignoring” the other parts because I do not have any fucking advice and have no idea what to do. Do I have to clarify that every single time I only respond to part of someones comment?

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@kittehs

okay your last comment makes 0 sense to me. so um…what?

kittehserf
7 years ago

Not always, not even often. But sometimes, yes.

kittehserf
7 years ago

I was responding to you saying Unimaginative’s experience isn’t universal. Neither is yours: how do you know it applies here? Tracy’s comment wasn’t about you but two people have felt you’re getting defensive about it, when it wasn’t an attack or a Ur Doin Depression Rong in any way.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Marie, I’m going to have lunch now. I’m sorry to have said anything: I don’t want to distress you but it sounds like that’s what I’ve achieved. I apologise for that.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@kittehs

? Tracy’s comment wasn’t about you but two people have felt you’re getting defensive about it, when it wasn’t an attack or a Ur Doin Depression Rong in any way.

Yeah, I didn’t think it was a fucking attack or a ‘ur doing depression rong’ but thanks for not acutally reading what I said.

Because seriously all I’ve been trying to say was I don’t know if it’s far to blame him (Which I don’t even know if tracy was doing, i couldn’t tell from teh phrasing) for not giving a heads up on not beign able to work from being fucking depressed.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

ugh and I’m sorry for stirring shit up here. I don’t even think I mad eany sense.

I’m just a fucking wreck today.

Sorry agin.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Yeah, I’m not doing great either, today.

Mutual sorry and hugs?

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@kittehs

mutual sorry at least

I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want virtual hugs right now

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

I’m hugging both of you! And giving the cats cuddles from both of you. 🙂

kittehserf
7 years ago

Okay, the hugs can go in the barrel for later.

::accepts pallygirl and kitty hugs::

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

Anyone else really disappointed by this commercial: http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=kp&v=FczvmLnBTEs

And when did “V” become the generally acceptable way to refer to female genitalia?

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

I’ve never heard of V before, but I do find a lot of terms differ depending on country.

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

I got this one linked for me today, I did find it funny:

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

Oh god, I just died. That was magical.

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

No-one threw me a first moon party. 🙁 I feel so deprived.

lensman
lensman
7 years ago

@Ally S

I just read the previous thread. I literally have no words.

If the letter idea is not feasible, I wonder if getting your sister a cheap pre-configured chinese tablet as a present in order to have a small line of communication with her is a good idea.

By the way… I am reading your blog and I can safely say…

You are an amazing person and a great writer. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different (and that includes yourself)

@Marie

I had a bout with depression a few years back. It’s nasty and insidious. I tried to get psychological help from my hospital’s resident psychologist. It ended up blowing on my face, because my department’s administrator alerted my father, who was a really big name in the hospital at the time. I’d rather not describe what happened next.

Apparently, the problem was not that I was seeing a psychologist, but that I was seeing a psychologist inside the very hospital I was working in (the ONLY hospital in my island btw) and rumours would inevitably start circulating which would affect his standing there. But, at my pay, I really couldn’t afford anything else.

So I stopped my therapy sessions (which sucks because I was just making progress at the time) and it still feels like I have this big poisonous viper in my head that strikes me when I am least expecting it. It’s gotten to a point where I can’t even enjoy things I used to love years ago (Anime, Books, Video Games). The only thing that keeps me going is my daughter, but I keep wondering if she would be better off without me. What use is a depressed father, anyway?

Sorry about that… All I’m saying is… Depression is dead serious. Please, keep your friends near you (including the virtual ones).

kittehserf
7 years ago

Apparently, the problem was not that I was seeing a psychologist, but that I was seeing a psychologist inside the very hospital I was working in (the ONLY hospital in my island btw) and rumours would inevitably start circulating which would affect his standing there.

lensman, cripes, that’s just … so much WTFery.

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

@lensman: agreeing with kittehserf here. A couple of points:
– professional ethics means that the fact you were having psychology sessions, let alone their content, should have been kept confidential
– any hospital where staff view another staff member differently if that member’s child is seeking psychological help is fucked up on so many levels that I can’t begin to count. Health professionals, at the very least, should fucking have a better grip on how they view individuals and families seeking psychological help. Words fail me at this point,

Hugs to all that want them. And kitty smooches.

Ally S
7 years ago

I have begun to question whether I’m truly allistic. I may have some form of mild autism, which isn’t a bad thing to me (although the extreme stigma against AS people is awful). I have passionate special interests that shift over time, occasionally find myself unaware if someone wants to continue a discussion about certain interests of mine, make strange noises on my own very often out of amusement, have strong preferences for specificity in language and intellectual analyses, and find a lot of ordinary social situations difficult. Hell, I even know cis men who have walked up to me and insulted me for being “completely aspie” and whatnot. I could be wrong, but either way I think I am going through an interesting period of self-understanding.

Also, I’m starting hormones next week. Yay!!!

wewereemergencies
wewereemergencies
7 years ago

Ally yay for self-understanding and hormones! Boo for shitty strangers 🙁 But mostly yay!

kittehserf
7 years ago

I hope tonight we do something like this. No broken glasses needing $$$$ to mend, no disturbances, no fucking awful governments, just things the way they should be.

Not that a picnic’s essential, just being at Home is all it could be. I just wish I could spontaneously remember.

lensman
lensman
7 years ago

@Ally S

Good luck on discovering yourself.

Best of luck with your hormone therapy! Make sure you get checked regularly and instantly report anything abnormal that shows up on your body (other than what is expected from hormone therapy).

Oh, and f**k rude strangers. I am sure this is the same type of guy who honks at women on the street.

As a side-note seriously, what are those street-honkers thinking?

My best guess is:

“OK, I am going to honk at this woman, and then she will latch onto the back of my car while I am speeding at 80mph. She will then pull out her lipstick and write her mobile phone number on my rear window so that I can ask her out when they take her out of the hospital. OH YEAH! THAT’S HOW I ROLL!”

@pallygirl

I agree. Ultimately it was my Department Administrator’s fault for telling my father that I was attending therapy sessions. I really don’t know why she did this. Maybe it was to show my father that she really cared about me so she could get further promoted, and finally retire with a good retirement fund (it’s what happened afterwards). But, yeah, it was unethical and unprofessional on her part.

Also, make no mistake, the rest of the hospital staff finding out I was attending therapy sessions would also affect my own standing at the hospital. Psychotherapy is still a big taboo here is Greece, and people don’t tend to trust your judgement very much when they are informed that you are being treated -even for something like depression.

And, yeah, the hospital I work in is pretty fucked up. I’ve seen people get mocked and isolated for no other reason that they are considered outsiders or simply because they got on an “old stander’s” nerves. I’ve seen whispering campaigns going haywire.

Thankfully, this sort of thing doesn’t seem to affect our medical performance, much, but still… It’s a Doc eat Doc world!

@kittehserf

Pic-Nic’s are awesome. I suggest some mavrodaphne Wine as it can still taste great when served at summer temperatures. Just make sure you don’t drive anything afterwards, it packs quite a kick!

My father is not such a bad guy. It’s just that he used to have the unfortunate tendency to care a lot about what others thought about him. He has since let go of this, and he has made a conscious effort to get closer to me and my brother, which I greatly appreciated. Ultimately, he is a good, hard-working but flawed person whose main mistake as a father was that he was largely absent for a big part of our lives. Every time I see him come and play with my daughter, I smile and feel a warmth in my heart because I see glimpses of the father he had always wanted to be.

wewereemergencies
wewereemergencies
7 years ago

I hope you have a lovely night also kittehs!

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

@lensman: you sound like you’ve worked through a lot of the issues with that, I wasn’t aware of what country you were in (I had guessed Iceland or Greenland, so I clearly have no psychic abilities whatsoever). I wish counselling was viewed with the same lens as treatment for physical injuries, when there is finally no stigma in seeking treatment I will consider that my society has matured.

It’s lovely he has a good relationship with your daughter.

I hope you’re well, your writing sounds like you’re in a good space at the moment and I hope that’s true. 🙂

kittehserf
7 years ago

wewereemergencies, thank you!

Lensman, that stinks. Sounds like the word toxic was invented for the atmosphere at your hospital. 🙁 But seconding pallygirl, I’m glad your father’s made the effort to get closer to you and your brother and daughter.

No fear of driving after a picnic for Louis (aka Mr Kittehs) and me – this all happens across the veil (don’t know if you’re familiar with that term – call it astral travel, Spirit, Heaven, paradise, they all apply) and mercifully cars are Not a Thing where we live there!

Funny thing, I always used to think he’d be into cars and had images of him spending masses of time tinkering with the things: he was always into mechanical stuff and making things. Nope! Not even slightly interested, as it turns out. Probably just as well, I like seeing more of him than a pair of legs sticking out from under a car.