I feel like I’m obligated to take care of him and teach him to stop being an abuser.
You can’t. It’s up to him. He has no desire to stop being an abuser. You can’t make someone a decent person. He gets off on being a controlling, violent fuckwad. Why would he give that up?
You’re not obligated to do ANYTHING for him. Where the fuck is the rest of the family, pray tell? How about them stepping up? You have more than enough to do looking after yourself. You’re traumatised by him and think you owe him any care? Wrong.
You’re not fucking selfish, Ally, you’re trying to survive. Not talking to him is far better than retraumatising yourself. Whatever happens to him is not your problem and not your responsibility.
Can you imagine if you heard someone tell an abuse victim it was their responsibility to educate and care for their abuser? You’d be with the rest of us saying FUCK THAT and FUCK YOU to whoever came up with that idea. That’s what jerkbrain needs to be told. Jerkbrain’s been indoctrinated by your abuser; it’s doing his work for him.
Thank you, kitteh. I’m sorry if I’m being annoying to anyone when I vent like this. Truth be told, I would never mistreat anyone the way I mistreat myself, but the problem is that I keep thinking I am uniquely deserving of being mistreated. Jerkbrain is smart like that. This is a common form of self-hatred among trans women suffering from trauma. We tell everyone else that they’re nice, wonderful, undeserving of abuse, etc. but we tell ourselves the exact opposite.
I’m going to try to call my dad tonight and hope I don’t get triggered again. If that does happen, then I’ll do what I need to calm myself down. It will be upsetting but probably not scarring.
Ally, do you mean he’s passing blood in his feces?
For some twisted, fucked up reason I still love him.
This is entirely normal, and yet another way for jerkbrain to fuck you over.
I feel like I’m obligated to take care of him and teach him to stop being an abuser. I’ll be a failure if I’m not able to do that before his time comes.
You’re not obligated to do anything to, for, by, or near him. HE had an obligation to YOU, because you’re his child. He chose to abuse you instead.
Whether he recovers or not, he can’t be your priority. You have to be your priority. Remember the whole airplane oxygen mask analogy, if nothing else. Even if you did go back to take care of him, and even if he did somehow stop being an abuser overnight, are you really in a state to be able to do that?
Don’t set yourself up to do an impossible task (getting someone else to change). Be kind to yourself, and do for you what your father chose not to do: love you unconditionally.
It’s gonna take baby steps, and it’ll be shockingly hard, but you’ve already taken some HUGE, GIANT LEAPS, and I’m really proud of you.
I sent him a very polite, very cordial email apologizing for not talking to him. He is a horrible person but I want to at least do that for him and try to comfort him while he’s going through a distressing medical situation. I know, I’m a fool for sending the email, but I felt compelled to. Now it’s done.
You’re a kind person, Ally, not a fool. I wish your father was deserving of and appreciated your kindness.
serrana
10 years ago
I’ve just spent the day in Austin with my grandmother. She’s dying. She’s 99 and this is the third time she’s been in hospice care this year, so we knew this was coming, but it’s still so, so hard. She’s been the rock of the family since long before I was born.
She’s getting morphine every two hours so she’s comfortable. She slept most of the afternoon, but she was awake for a little bit, and she looked at me and said “How’re you?” Because that’s just like her, to want to know everyone else was doing well before she worried about herself.
I’m going back on Tuesday. I hope my cousin L. is there and we can tell stories to her about what we remember from all our childhood visits. I ‘ll do that even if L. isn’t there of course, but with L. there we won’t run out of stories like I would if it were just me.
You can’t make him become something he’s not, Ally. Let alone something that he doesn’t even want. Otoh, you can be the best of what you are.
My own suggestion would be to avoid electronic messages that he can use for reply when he feels up to it. Send a real physical card. There are some freebies around that you can just print off if you’d prefer that (most of these are awful, but you get the idea http://www.bluemountain.com/printable-cards/get-well . Try a few other sites to see if there are others more to your/his taste.) You could (also) buy some nice blank cards or notepaper to send a physical, holdable, put-on-the-bedside-table message that he can have as a keepsake.
Even though you’re all grateful she’s had a long and good life, the letting go process is still difficult. The main thing is just to be there and to keep on talking whenever she’s awake (or doing whatever seems right at the time).
serrana
10 years ago
Ally, I just want to say that it’s not twisted and fucked up that you love your dad. It means you’re a loving person! It’s possible to love someone and not like them, or even to love them and hate them too. It just means you’re a human with human emotions which are sometimes complicated.
The only reason I have not been talking to you lately is that I have been very anxious these days. There are a lot of reasons why I’m anxious, the main one being that I feel extremely awful for not talking to you over the phone for so long. It’s difficult to explain, but that’s how I feel. I’m very sorry. I will make a [prayer] for your recovery and I hope that you get better soon. You don’t have to believe me when I say I still love you and wish the best for you, but this is what I have to say. I’m sending an email rather than calling you because I don’t want to talk on the phone right now. I’ll call you on the phone tomorrow.
There are some things I regret saying in there but I don’t care because I wanted my email to appear as heartfelt as I intended it to be. Maybe he’ll be nice to me in return.
I called him. He is doing better now and out of the ER. I’m sorry if I disappointed anyone for calling him. I just couldn’t bear it anymore and had to call him.
Ally, it’s not about any of us. You do what you need to do, and we’ll do what we can to support you. I hope you’re feeling better now.
marinerachel
10 years ago
I’m twenty-six in five minutes and less than a year ago fell back in that trap of optimism and giving my dad a chance to be close and a good parent to me.
Within a week he told me if I didn’t lose weight he’d kick me out of the condo he’d agreed to let me live in for the duration of the year. :/ I was already paying all the bills and had nowhere to go. He didn’t pull that punch until I was trapped and he could use the condo to control me. I GTFO’d FAST.
He’s not capable of being the parent I need him to be and even if he is he’s not interested so it’s my responsibility to take care of myself. That means not letting him hurt me. Yeah, I want a relationship with my dad. I love my dad. It’s how I’m wired. Besides the innate feelings, there are things I like about my dad. Only one of us is willing to work on the relationship though.
I have to manage the relationship very, very closely. I need to keep him at a distance emotionally and physically so he has no control over any aspects of my life and can’t hurt me. I choose to maintain some superficial connection to him though. I’m not certain it actually fulfills any emotional need of mine but it’s something and, at least optically, it makes me feel better than cutting him off entirely. Our interactions are very, very careful on my part – I watch everything I say around him to avoid setting off any unpleasantness not because I’m at fault but because I just don’t want to deal with it. I have to be the adult in the relationship. I expect nothing but the worst from him, plan on it and act accordingly. Sometimes he surprises me. I’m never let down though.
Anyways, that love and desire for the relationship you need with your abusive parent(s) never goes away. You repeatedly give into it, hoping things will be different, let yourself be vulnerable, and get hurt over and over. As you learn and grow you let it happen less and less. You build a tool kit and determine how best to deal with them, whether it’s cutting them off or keeping them at a distance. You will accept the reality of the situation though and stop giving them the opportunity to hurt you. None of this should be the case but, for lots of us, it is and, over time, you learn to deal and make your own wellbeing your priority despite that love and need you have for a parent that won’t give it to you.
Seriously, my dad got my birthday wrong today. There was a time that would hurt me terribly. I just fucking laugh now. It’s sad, yeah, but it’s reality and there’s nothing I can do about it. If you don’t laugh you cry and I’ve cried enough. He’s not worth any more of my tears. Just take care of yourself, don’t let yourself become them and you’ll be alright. It’s just a long process given the way so many of us are wired to love our parents and yearn for their acceptance.
pallygirl
10 years ago
My way of protecting myself from my abusive parent (physical as well as psychological) has been to completely act like they don’t exist. The physical abuse stopped once I was about 11, but the psychological abuse was ongoing for a couple of decades after that. Not once have they ever made me feel like they loved me, but gave it all to my brother instead. They made my life a living hell for years, and was a main contributing factor to my suicide attempts.
Out of self-preservation, I cut the relationship completely about 6 years ago. I don’t even know if they’re still alive and they live around 10km away from me. I haven’t even told them I have breast cancer.
Sometimes, although not saying this is either of your cases, cutting the contact completely and permanently is the only solution. The females who have been true mothers to me have been my step-mother and my mother-in-law.
marinerachel
10 years ago
I definitely wonder if a clean cut would ultimately serve me better than what I’m currently working with.
I am fairly embarrassed that I maintain relationships with my parents and have any desire to given the amount of abuse they continue to heap on me. My dad beat me up into my twenties and my mom still wouldn’t throw me a rope if I were drowning unless it somehow served her. As of right now though I’m inclined to believe I’m better off having extremely superficial, meaningless, conditional relationships with my parents than none at all. I feel I’m doing pretty well if neither of them has the power to emotionally or materially harm me.
There may come a day when the right answer is cutting them off, full stop, though. Oh, the victim narrative they’d sing. Absolute unwillingness to accept any responsibility for the profound harm they did to their relationships with me from either of them. It’s so painfully obvious to everyone else why they divorced and have strained relationships with their kids but not to them. That’s a big part of why we can’t have real relationships. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge! I own my shit. They don’t. You can’t work with someone who won’t work with you.
kittehserf MOD
10 years ago
All the hugs, people.
I wonder if so many people are wired or just so socialised to expect and want relationships with our parents so strongly, despite the appalling things those parents do? Whichever it is, I’m glad to say it didn’t work. My male parent was no abuser (at least, not of us … other kids, not so sure) but he was a serial adulterer and as far as I’m concerned, an all-round contemptible loser. I feel no love for him, nor have done in living memory. I daresay I did as a child, but I was always closer to my mother and I don’t think I’ve missed a single thing emotionally: the man’s an egotistical loser I’d never choose to be friends with.
This is why I have no hesitation in taking the “dump them already” line about abusive parents, or ones who just don’t give a shit. Biological connections are not good enough reasons to have anything to do with scumbag humans. It’s also why it enrages me to see how much these fuckers – and societal expectations – mess with the minds of the people they SHOULD be caring for, and get those people thinking this shit is their fault.
pallygirl
10 years ago
You two have nailed it. The egg or sperm contribution doesn’t make a parent, it’s the caring and protecting and supporting emotional and physical behaviours that do. I spent a lot of time grappling with the notion that I had to respect my mother and have contact with her, no matter how much damage it was doing to me. One friend used to say “oh, you’ve seen your mother today” – that’s how much emotional change it would do to me.
I have extended family on my father’s side I am close to, and they know what is going on with my health, and have been a huge support.
On top of those, there was also the physical abuse and the psychological abuse. You can’t win with this type of person, or even get a draw. If this was a “friend” then most people’s advise would be to cut them out. For some reason, for a lot of the same people, parents are deemed to get a free pass.
Fuck that. Protect yourself.
kittehserf MOD
10 years ago
It must be brain bleach time.
I hope this link goes to the right spot: Best kitty knitting pic ever, on Ravelry. Even funnier in the context: the thread’s about knitting for kitties and the commenter said when they saw the thread they thought this was meant.
Even brain-bleachier: An Engineer’s Guide to Cats, part two!
(Take note, it’s nominated in the most important people’s choice awards in the world: The Golden Kitty, 2014.)
But yeah, there’s this notion of “toxic” parents that I think is relatively accurate at least in my case.
We once picked up a 2nd hand book, Toxic Parents/ Toxic Family (? I don’t recognise what comes up on a search), among a handful of others which sat untouched on a shelf for a few years. Poor mr picked it up one day on a weekend and started reading. Had to put it down not long after. Booked himself some more therapy the next business day.
I’m not sure that he’s ever managed to get the whole way through it. He did read part of it at the same time as he was halfway through a CBT workbook. But it really wasn’t worth it, they were all dead and gone by then.
marinerachel
10 years ago
So, I think I’m going to have sex with an acquaintence. TMI alert.
We don’t really click interpersonally so far but I think we might physically. He’s nice to me and smart and accomplished and handsome and charming enough and NORMAL. He’s emotionally very stable and has a high mood. I’m horny and desperate for validation. He’s a transitional man at best but that’s OK if all parties are fully informed, right?
We started getting flirty via text, a few cutesy, cheeky images back and forth, and, wham, he slammed me with a nude photo, which was welcome, not creepy. He has a very pretty body. He’s also expressed a love of giving. My last partner only enjoyed intercourse. I love, love, love intercourse so it was OK but I’m really into hands too and I want my partner to enjoy me performing on them. He enjoyed handjobs but that was it. Aside from intercourse, he didn’t do anything else. He masturbated me once but I don’t think he enjoyed it. He didn’t respond at all to me performing oral sex on him and never so much as attempted oral sex on me.
This other dude sounds like he really enjoys performing which would be a welcome change from my last experience. We’ve discussed our shared love of vibrators. He’s also got great hands and understanding of anatomy due to his career. Basically means we can fairly safely engage in impact play which is a huge turn-on for me. He certainly sounds like he wants to have sex with me. I think I might like to have sex with him. I’m going to have to find out where this rabbit hole leads to.
And now I won’t be able to fall asleep. Sheesh.
pallygirl
10 years ago
@mildlymagnificent: yep, that sounds like the book. A lot of the value of those sorts of books is to show children that *there is nothing wrong with them and they have objectively awful parents*. Sometimes issue validation is the final step, sometimes it’s therapy. 🙂
@marinerachel: ooo friends with benefits. Sounds like your future is going to be full of fun smexy times. Enjoy yourself. 🙂
We Hunted The Mammoth
You can’t. It’s up to him. He has no desire to stop being an abuser. You can’t make someone a decent person. He gets off on being a controlling, violent fuckwad. Why would he give that up?
You’re not obligated to do ANYTHING for him. Where the fuck is the rest of the family, pray tell? How about them stepping up? You have more than enough to do looking after yourself. You’re traumatised by him and think you owe him any care? Wrong.
You’re not fucking selfish, Ally, you’re trying to survive. Not talking to him is far better than retraumatising yourself. Whatever happens to him is not your problem and not your responsibility.
Can you imagine if you heard someone tell an abuse victim it was their responsibility to educate and care for their abuser? You’d be with the rest of us saying FUCK THAT and FUCK YOU to whoever came up with that idea. That’s what jerkbrain needs to be told. Jerkbrain’s been indoctrinated by your abuser; it’s doing his work for him.
Thank you, kitteh. I’m sorry if I’m being annoying to anyone when I vent like this. Truth be told, I would never mistreat anyone the way I mistreat myself, but the problem is that I keep thinking I am uniquely deserving of being mistreated. Jerkbrain is smart like that. This is a common form of self-hatred among trans women suffering from trauma. We tell everyone else that they’re nice, wonderful, undeserving of abuse, etc. but we tell ourselves the exact opposite.
I’m going to try to call my dad tonight and hope I don’t get triggered again. If that does happen, then I’ll do what I need to calm myself down. It will be upsetting but probably not scarring.
Ally, do you mean he’s passing blood in his feces?
This is entirely normal, and yet another way for jerkbrain to fuck you over.
You’re not obligated to do anything to, for, by, or near him. HE had an obligation to YOU, because you’re his child. He chose to abuse you instead.
Whether he recovers or not, he can’t be your priority. You have to be your priority. Remember the whole airplane oxygen mask analogy, if nothing else. Even if you did go back to take care of him, and even if he did somehow stop being an abuser overnight, are you really in a state to be able to do that?
Don’t set yourself up to do an impossible task (getting someone else to change). Be kind to yourself, and do for you what your father chose not to do: love you unconditionally.
It’s gonna take baby steps, and it’ll be shockingly hard, but you’ve already taken some HUGE, GIANT LEAPS, and I’m really proud of you.
[CN: blood]
Yes, that’s what I intended to say. I can barely even concentrate on my typing, jeez… X_X
Oh god, he’s in the ER again…
I sent him a very polite, very cordial email apologizing for not talking to him. He is a horrible person but I want to at least do that for him and try to comfort him while he’s going through a distressing medical situation. I know, I’m a fool for sending the email, but I felt compelled to. Now it’s done.
Still not your fault.
You’re a kind person, Ally, not a fool. I wish your father was deserving of and appreciated your kindness.
I’ve just spent the day in Austin with my grandmother. She’s dying. She’s 99 and this is the third time she’s been in hospice care this year, so we knew this was coming, but it’s still so, so hard. She’s been the rock of the family since long before I was born.
She’s getting morphine every two hours so she’s comfortable. She slept most of the afternoon, but she was awake for a little bit, and she looked at me and said “How’re you?” Because that’s just like her, to want to know everyone else was doing well before she worried about herself.
I’m going back on Tuesday. I hope my cousin L. is there and we can tell stories to her about what we remember from all our childhood visits. I ‘ll do that even if L. isn’t there of course, but with L. there we won’t run out of stories like I would if it were just me.
You can’t make him become something he’s not, Ally. Let alone something that he doesn’t even want. Otoh, you can be the best of what you are.
My own suggestion would be to avoid electronic messages that he can use for reply when he feels up to it. Send a real physical card. There are some freebies around that you can just print off if you’d prefer that (most of these are awful, but you get the idea http://www.bluemountain.com/printable-cards/get-well . Try a few other sites to see if there are others more to your/his taste.) You could (also) buy some nice blank cards or notepaper to send a physical, holdable, put-on-the-bedside-table message that he can have as a keepsake.
serrana, it’s hard.
Even though you’re all grateful she’s had a long and good life, the letting go process is still difficult. The main thing is just to be there and to keep on talking whenever she’s awake (or doing whatever seems right at the time).
Ally, I just want to say that it’s not twisted and fucked up that you love your dad. It means you’re a loving person! It’s possible to love someone and not like them, or even to love them and hate them too. It just means you’re a human with human emotions which are sometimes complicated.
This is the email I sent my dad:
There are some things I regret saying in there but I don’t care because I wanted my email to appear as heartfelt as I intended it to be. Maybe he’ll be nice to me in return.
Thanks, mildlymagnificent.
I called him. He is doing better now and out of the ER. I’m sorry if I disappointed anyone for calling him. I just couldn’t bear it anymore and had to call him.
Ally, it’s not about any of us. You do what you need to do, and we’ll do what we can to support you. I hope you’re feeling better now.
I’m twenty-six in five minutes and less than a year ago fell back in that trap of optimism and giving my dad a chance to be close and a good parent to me.
Within a week he told me if I didn’t lose weight he’d kick me out of the condo he’d agreed to let me live in for the duration of the year. :/ I was already paying all the bills and had nowhere to go. He didn’t pull that punch until I was trapped and he could use the condo to control me. I GTFO’d FAST.
He’s not capable of being the parent I need him to be and even if he is he’s not interested so it’s my responsibility to take care of myself. That means not letting him hurt me. Yeah, I want a relationship with my dad. I love my dad. It’s how I’m wired. Besides the innate feelings, there are things I like about my dad. Only one of us is willing to work on the relationship though.
I have to manage the relationship very, very closely. I need to keep him at a distance emotionally and physically so he has no control over any aspects of my life and can’t hurt me. I choose to maintain some superficial connection to him though. I’m not certain it actually fulfills any emotional need of mine but it’s something and, at least optically, it makes me feel better than cutting him off entirely. Our interactions are very, very careful on my part – I watch everything I say around him to avoid setting off any unpleasantness not because I’m at fault but because I just don’t want to deal with it. I have to be the adult in the relationship. I expect nothing but the worst from him, plan on it and act accordingly. Sometimes he surprises me. I’m never let down though.
Anyways, that love and desire for the relationship you need with your abusive parent(s) never goes away. You repeatedly give into it, hoping things will be different, let yourself be vulnerable, and get hurt over and over. As you learn and grow you let it happen less and less. You build a tool kit and determine how best to deal with them, whether it’s cutting them off or keeping them at a distance. You will accept the reality of the situation though and stop giving them the opportunity to hurt you. None of this should be the case but, for lots of us, it is and, over time, you learn to deal and make your own wellbeing your priority despite that love and need you have for a parent that won’t give it to you.
Seriously, my dad got my birthday wrong today. There was a time that would hurt me terribly. I just fucking laugh now. It’s sad, yeah, but it’s reality and there’s nothing I can do about it. If you don’t laugh you cry and I’ve cried enough. He’s not worth any more of my tears. Just take care of yourself, don’t let yourself become them and you’ll be alright. It’s just a long process given the way so many of us are wired to love our parents and yearn for their acceptance.
My way of protecting myself from my abusive parent (physical as well as psychological) has been to completely act like they don’t exist. The physical abuse stopped once I was about 11, but the psychological abuse was ongoing for a couple of decades after that. Not once have they ever made me feel like they loved me, but gave it all to my brother instead. They made my life a living hell for years, and was a main contributing factor to my suicide attempts.
Out of self-preservation, I cut the relationship completely about 6 years ago. I don’t even know if they’re still alive and they live around 10km away from me. I haven’t even told them I have breast cancer.
Sometimes, although not saying this is either of your cases, cutting the contact completely and permanently is the only solution. The females who have been true mothers to me have been my step-mother and my mother-in-law.
I definitely wonder if a clean cut would ultimately serve me better than what I’m currently working with.
I am fairly embarrassed that I maintain relationships with my parents and have any desire to given the amount of abuse they continue to heap on me. My dad beat me up into my twenties and my mom still wouldn’t throw me a rope if I were drowning unless it somehow served her. As of right now though I’m inclined to believe I’m better off having extremely superficial, meaningless, conditional relationships with my parents than none at all. I feel I’m doing pretty well if neither of them has the power to emotionally or materially harm me.
There may come a day when the right answer is cutting them off, full stop, though. Oh, the victim narrative they’d sing. Absolute unwillingness to accept any responsibility for the profound harm they did to their relationships with me from either of them. It’s so painfully obvious to everyone else why they divorced and have strained relationships with their kids but not to them. That’s a big part of why we can’t have real relationships. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge! I own my shit. They don’t. You can’t work with someone who won’t work with you.
All the hugs, people.
I wonder if so many people are wired or just so socialised to expect and want relationships with our parents so strongly, despite the appalling things those parents do? Whichever it is, I’m glad to say it didn’t work. My male parent was no abuser (at least, not of us … other kids, not so sure) but he was a serial adulterer and as far as I’m concerned, an all-round contemptible loser. I feel no love for him, nor have done in living memory. I daresay I did as a child, but I was always closer to my mother and I don’t think I’ve missed a single thing emotionally: the man’s an egotistical loser I’d never choose to be friends with.
This is why I have no hesitation in taking the “dump them already” line about abusive parents, or ones who just don’t give a shit. Biological connections are not good enough reasons to have anything to do with scumbag humans. It’s also why it enrages me to see how much these fuckers – and societal expectations – mess with the minds of the people they SHOULD be caring for, and get those people thinking this shit is their fault.
You two have nailed it. The egg or sperm contribution doesn’t make a parent, it’s the caring and protecting and supporting emotional and physical behaviours that do. I spent a lot of time grappling with the notion that I had to respect my mother and have contact with her, no matter how much damage it was doing to me. One friend used to say “oh, you’ve seen your mother today” – that’s how much emotional change it would do to me.
I have extended family on my father’s side I am close to, and they know what is going on with my health, and have been a huge support.
But yeah, there’s this notion of “toxic” parents that I think is relatively accurate at least in my case. Mine also fits the picture of a narcisstic mother, see the attributes about half-way down this page: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201311/the-narcissistic-mother
On top of those, there was also the physical abuse and the psychological abuse. You can’t win with this type of person, or even get a draw. If this was a “friend” then most people’s advise would be to cut them out. For some reason, for a lot of the same people, parents are deemed to get a free pass.
Fuck that. Protect yourself.
It must be brain bleach time.
I hope this link goes to the right spot: Best kitty knitting pic ever, on Ravelry. Even funnier in the context: the thread’s about knitting for kitties and the commenter said when they saw the thread they thought this was meant.
Even brain-bleachier: An Engineer’s Guide to Cats, part two!
(Take note, it’s nominated in the most important people’s choice awards in the world: The Golden Kitty, 2014.)
http://youtu.be/zsl_auoGuy4
We once picked up a 2nd hand book, Toxic Parents/ Toxic Family (? I don’t recognise what comes up on a search), among a handful of others which sat untouched on a shelf for a few years. Poor mr picked it up one day on a weekend and started reading. Had to put it down not long after. Booked himself some more therapy the next business day.
I’m not sure that he’s ever managed to get the whole way through it. He did read part of it at the same time as he was halfway through a CBT workbook. But it really wasn’t worth it, they were all dead and gone by then.
So, I think I’m going to have sex with an acquaintence. TMI alert.
We don’t really click interpersonally so far but I think we might physically. He’s nice to me and smart and accomplished and handsome and charming enough and NORMAL. He’s emotionally very stable and has a high mood. I’m horny and desperate for validation. He’s a transitional man at best but that’s OK if all parties are fully informed, right?
We started getting flirty via text, a few cutesy, cheeky images back and forth, and, wham, he slammed me with a nude photo, which was welcome, not creepy. He has a very pretty body. He’s also expressed a love of giving. My last partner only enjoyed intercourse. I love, love, love intercourse so it was OK but I’m really into hands too and I want my partner to enjoy me performing on them. He enjoyed handjobs but that was it. Aside from intercourse, he didn’t do anything else. He masturbated me once but I don’t think he enjoyed it. He didn’t respond at all to me performing oral sex on him and never so much as attempted oral sex on me.
This other dude sounds like he really enjoys performing which would be a welcome change from my last experience. We’ve discussed our shared love of vibrators. He’s also got great hands and understanding of anatomy due to his career. Basically means we can fairly safely engage in impact play which is a huge turn-on for me. He certainly sounds like he wants to have sex with me. I think I might like to have sex with him. I’m going to have to find out where this rabbit hole leads to.
And now I won’t be able to fall asleep. Sheesh.
@mildlymagnificent: yep, that sounds like the book. A lot of the value of those sorts of books is to show children that *there is nothing wrong with them and they have objectively awful parents*. Sometimes issue validation is the final step, sometimes it’s therapy. 🙂
@marinerachel: ooo friends with benefits. Sounds like your future is going to be full of fun smexy times. Enjoy yourself. 🙂