Ally, I’m sorry that was so traumatic. I would have found it so too. A doctor should always ask before examining private areas, even if it is necessary.
You should definitely feel free to ask for a female doctor. I always do even if it’s for specialties that are not going to be doing anything personal.
He did tell me ahead of time that he was going to do that, but it didn’t make any difference. V_V It’s okay. In retrospect, it wouldn’t have been much better with a woman.
Jerkbrain keeps telling me “You weren’t really violated as a woman at all because your breasts aren’t large enough.” But I also know that, ever since puberty, I’ve been very sensitive about covering my chest, just like a cis girl. I’m really distressed and confused right now. I fucking hate society and its coercive gendering of bodies. This is just one of the many ways in which abused trans women are silenced.
Jerkbrain is a jerk. Jerkbrain telling you that your trauma isn’t as bad as somebody else’s because reasons is one if its more insidious bits of nastiness. Fuck jerkbrain.
Are you able to see a new therapist yet, Ally? Because new hormones are going to have an effect on jerkbrain. It might get jerkier.
Hey Ally? You know cis women come in A cups too right? And, if violated, are de facto violated as a woman? Tell jerkbrain I said cup size only matters when shopping!
As for finding a psych, you’re in/near a major city right? They should have free mental health clinics and idk CA law, but I’m getting welfare cuz mine did the little form saying I can’t work currently — idk if CA has anything like that, but might be worth poking the googles.
Ally, if you felt violated, you were violated. The exam was probably necessary, but it is always within your rights to request a different doc.. EMS scenarios where a patient is not fully oriented excepted.
Also, as long as you are alert, oriented, and not having thoughts of self harm/harming others, you are allowed to refuse exams by any medical professional.
Your jerkbrain is lying to you when it tells you only women with large boobs can feel violated. There are quite a few tiny breasted (or even sans-breasts due to genetics or double mastectomies) women out there.
You aren’t alone, and you are an amazing person.
I’ll second the question about a therapist. Hormones can occasionally mess with mental states, and having someone who recognizes those changes might have some good advice…
Ally, best of luck. You are a strong and wonderful woman.
I’ll be going back to the clinic soon to sign up for health insurance so I can start therapy. (On the same day I ask about seeing a female doctor instead.) Therapy is offered at the clinic but I don’t feel comfortable going there since I already dislike one of the therapists there. (He’s this really patronizing trans dudebro who refers to me as “sweetie”.) I’ll just see the therapist recommended by my previous therapist. I want to see her since she’s a woman, and while my previous trans dude therapist wasn’t too bad, I really don’t want another male therapist. I need someone to vent to about trauma, and the best person for that in my case is another woman.
Jerkbrain keeps telling me “You weren’t really violated as a woman at all because your breasts aren’t large enough.”
Lots of women have flat chests. But more importantly, you have the right to feel that way even if it isn’t what’s normally considered an inappropriate area to touch.
I’m aware that some women have flat chests. It’s just that I experience the erasure twofold because my body is also gendered as male by society. It’s really hard to cope with and resist.
kittehserf MOD
10 years ago
I’m somewhat astonished that in a clinic for (or partly for?) trans people, they didn’t ask if you’d prefer to see female doctors and therapists. Are they so booked up it was take who you could get?
So, unfortunately part of our brand of multi is that repressed memories come up periodically. They are never pleasant, but usually, they’re only adding emotions to information I already knew.
The most recent one… was not one of these kinds. For the first time, it’s brought up information I did NOT know prior to it. Basically, the original inhabitant of this body was raped to death at seventeen. This I already knew. What I did NOT know was the specific incident that caused it. Now I do, because apparently I was present and suffered the same rape she did, I just was the one who survived it.
So that’s been a horrorshow in my head since. It comes in waves; sometimes I’ll be fine, other times I can’t stop crying. I know that it will pass, because I’ve been on this crazy train before and it always passes, it’s just… Christ, could I just… STOP having such a lurid backstory? This is shit that I’d refuse to read because it’s like something a misogynist writer would inflict on a female character he really hated. I can’t even really talk about it much with folks because there is no way to explain it that doesn’t sound like total drama overkill.
I dunno. I just hate that I have this in my life history.
pallygirl
10 years ago
@katz: shit, just shit. I just looked it up, I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you.
@LBT: I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better.
LBT, huge hugs. It isn’t a lurid backstory, it is your life. And I’m sorry that it contains so much suck.
Everyone else: Er, yes, I should have mentioned that calicivirus is inadvisable to Google. The phrase “open sores” is involved.
Lea
10 years ago
Ally, katz and LBT,
Hugs to all!
kittehserf MOD
10 years ago
@pallygirl, those drawings are beautiful, as is their message!
Nice timing with the first one: last night I was looking at my hairy legs and wondering why the hair starts several inches down the calf, and why it’s in no hurry to go grey when pretty much everything else is. 😛
I’m generally okay… the very fact that I’m able to KNOW what happened and spend a lot of time crying means that I’m likely not dissociating. So perversely, this horrorshow is actually a sign of health! Go figure. And I know it’ll pass; I’ve been on the crazy train before, and it always passes. It just kinda sucks until then.
Especially since… well, Original Girl’s death was just the start of a stack of other horrible dominos. We had to cover up her death or else be punished for it by our parents… though that eventually happened anyway, thus why we don’t have a family anymore.
No wonder this memory was locked up for nine years. *sigh* I dunno. It’s just, the more I learn about our history, the more horrifying it is, is all.
I smoked pot for the first time in a few years last and ended up eating late night Taco Bell. Because of course I did. It didn’t make me want to pass out despite having had a lot of alcohol so it gives me hope I can do it in moderation. I quit a while back because it started making me too lethargic but maybe if I’m really careful about dosage I can start doing it again. Yay!
Taco Bell is such a great place to go to while stoned. I’m glad you went there. My suggestion, if you’re okay with suggestions, is that you try to stick to sativa-dominant strains since those strains tend to have less of a “couch-lock” effect and actually allow you to do things. (I’m sorry if I’m just restating what you already know but a lot of people don’t seem to care about strain type.)
I just got updated on my dad’s condition. He has been passing feces in his stool for the past week, is now required to get a colonoscopy and is at a high risk of liver cancer. I wish I could talk to him and express my sympathies. But I can’t do shit because I feel retraumatized every time I talk to him over the phone. I feel so horrible and selfish. Everyone else is calling him regularly and sending him well-wishes.
I feel like I’m obligated to take care of him and teach him to stop being an abuser. I’ll be a failure if I’m not able to do that before his time comes. Because that will mean that he spent his 20 years knowing me on abusing me, rather than being genuinely kind. I know it’s not good to think that but I can’t help but feel responsible, no matter what I try to tell myself. For some twisted, fucked up reason I still love him. I hate everything about him but part of me still has some hope that he will learn to be kinder some day. And because I still love him, I feel like I’m responsible for teaching him to be a non-abusive father. I don’t know, maybe he will listen to me if I’m nicer to him. But the thought of being nicer to him is actually triggering to me. I’m just lost. I’m sorry if my venting is obnoxious but I needed some place to vent this. If I’m being disruptive I will definitely leave and I’m sorry.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Ally, I’m sorry that was so traumatic. I would have found it so too. A doctor should always ask before examining private areas, even if it is necessary.
You should definitely feel free to ask for a female doctor. I always do even if it’s for specialties that are not going to be doing anything personal.
He did tell me ahead of time that he was going to do that, but it didn’t make any difference. V_V It’s okay. In retrospect, it wouldn’t have been much better with a woman.
I have 2 hours to nap, after a long ride-along (and my first combative patient), before I head out into the rain for bike EMS.
Tired. Bed now.
[CN: sexual assault, body issues]
Jerkbrain keeps telling me “You weren’t really violated as a woman at all because your breasts aren’t large enough.” But I also know that, ever since puberty, I’ve been very sensitive about covering my chest, just like a cis girl. I’m really distressed and confused right now. I fucking hate society and its coercive gendering of bodies. This is just one of the many ways in which abused trans women are silenced.
Jerkbrain is a jerk. Jerkbrain telling you that your trauma isn’t as bad as somebody else’s because reasons is one if its more insidious bits of nastiness. Fuck jerkbrain.
Are you able to see a new therapist yet, Ally? Because new hormones are going to have an effect on jerkbrain. It might get jerkier.
Hey Ally? You know cis women come in A cups too right? And, if violated, are de facto violated as a woman? Tell jerkbrain I said cup size only matters when shopping!
As for finding a psych, you’re in/near a major city right? They should have free mental health clinics and idk CA law, but I’m getting welfare cuz mine did the little form saying I can’t work currently — idk if CA has anything like that, but might be worth poking the googles.
Ally, if you felt violated, you were violated. The exam was probably necessary, but it is always within your rights to request a different doc.. EMS scenarios where a patient is not fully oriented excepted.
Also, as long as you are alert, oriented, and not having thoughts of self harm/harming others, you are allowed to refuse exams by any medical professional.
Your jerkbrain is lying to you when it tells you only women with large boobs can feel violated. There are quite a few tiny breasted (or even sans-breasts due to genetics or double mastectomies) women out there.
You aren’t alone, and you are an amazing person.
I’ll second the question about a therapist. Hormones can occasionally mess with mental states, and having someone who recognizes those changes might have some good advice…
Ally, best of luck. You are a strong and wonderful woman.
I’ll be going back to the clinic soon to sign up for health insurance so I can start therapy. (On the same day I ask about seeing a female doctor instead.) Therapy is offered at the clinic but I don’t feel comfortable going there since I already dislike one of the therapists there. (He’s this really patronizing trans dudebro who refers to me as “sweetie”.) I’ll just see the therapist recommended by my previous therapist. I want to see her since she’s a woman, and while my previous trans dude therapist wasn’t too bad, I really don’t want another male therapist. I need someone to vent to about trauma, and the best person for that in my case is another woman.
Lots of women have flat chests. But more importantly, you have the right to feel that way even if it isn’t what’s normally considered an inappropriate area to touch.
I’m aware that some women have flat chests. It’s just that I experience the erasure twofold because my body is also gendered as male by society. It’s really hard to cope with and resist.
I’m somewhat astonished that in a clinic for (or partly for?) trans people, they didn’t ask if you’d prefer to see female doctors and therapists. Are they so booked up it was take who you could get?
I liked these: http://www.neatorama.com/2014/07/05/15-Empowering-Illustrations-for-Women/#!8K4hV
****trigger warning as rape is mentioned in one of them****
My whole litter of kittens has calicivirus. They are really sick 🙁
Bleh. This ain’t been my week, guys.
So, unfortunately part of our brand of multi is that repressed memories come up periodically. They are never pleasant, but usually, they’re only adding emotions to information I already knew.
The most recent one… was not one of these kinds. For the first time, it’s brought up information I did NOT know prior to it. Basically, the original inhabitant of this body was raped to death at seventeen. This I already knew. What I did NOT know was the specific incident that caused it. Now I do, because apparently I was present and suffered the same rape she did, I just was the one who survived it.
So that’s been a horrorshow in my head since. It comes in waves; sometimes I’ll be fine, other times I can’t stop crying. I know that it will pass, because I’ve been on this crazy train before and it always passes, it’s just… Christ, could I just… STOP having such a lurid backstory? This is shit that I’d refuse to read because it’s like something a misogynist writer would inflict on a female character he really hated. I can’t even really talk about it much with folks because there is no way to explain it that doesn’t sound like total drama overkill.
I dunno. I just hate that I have this in my life history.
@katz: shit, just shit. I just looked it up, I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you.
@LBT: I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better.
Both of you, and Ally, have all my sympathies.
LBT, huge hugs. It isn’t a lurid backstory, it is your life. And I’m sorry that it contains so much suck.
Everyone else: Er, yes, I should have mentioned that calicivirus is inadvisable to Google. The phrase “open sores” is involved.
Ally, katz and LBT,
Hugs to all!
@pallygirl, those drawings are beautiful, as is their message!
Nice timing with the first one: last night I was looking at my hairy legs and wondering why the hair starts several inches down the calf, and why it’s in no hurry to go grey when pretty much everything else is. 😛
@katz, no! 🙁 I hope the poor babies will recover.
@LBT, all the Spirit hugs to you. Seconding katz.
I’m generally okay… the very fact that I’m able to KNOW what happened and spend a lot of time crying means that I’m likely not dissociating. So perversely, this horrorshow is actually a sign of health! Go figure. And I know it’ll pass; I’ve been on the crazy train before, and it always passes. It just kinda sucks until then.
Especially since… well, Original Girl’s death was just the start of a stack of other horrible dominos. We had to cover up her death or else be punished for it by our parents… though that eventually happened anyway, thus why we don’t have a family anymore.
No wonder this memory was locked up for nine years. *sigh* I dunno. It’s just, the more I learn about our history, the more horrifying it is, is all.
Holy, suckage all around. No, autocorrect, not suckle. More hugs proffered.
I smoked pot for the first time in a few years last and ended up eating late night Taco Bell. Because of course I did. It didn’t make me want to pass out despite having had a lot of alcohol so it gives me hope I can do it in moderation. I quit a while back because it started making me too lethargic but maybe if I’m really careful about dosage I can start doing it again. Yay!
@WWTH
Taco Bell is such a great place to go to while stoned. I’m glad you went there. My suggestion, if you’re okay with suggestions, is that you try to stick to sativa-dominant strains since those strains tend to have less of a “couch-lock” effect and actually allow you to do things. (I’m sorry if I’m just restating what you already know but a lot of people don’t seem to care about strain type.)
I’ve only ever smoked what others share with me so I never know the strain. I think I’ve heard that somewhere before though.
I guess a more helpful suggestion would be to just avoid bongs and edibles, since those tend to render people immobile. xD
[CN: abuse, trauma, cancer, TMI medical stuff]
I just got updated on my dad’s condition. He has been passing feces in his stool for the past week, is now required to get a colonoscopy and is at a high risk of liver cancer. I wish I could talk to him and express my sympathies. But I can’t do shit because I feel retraumatized every time I talk to him over the phone. I feel so horrible and selfish. Everyone else is calling him regularly and sending him well-wishes.
I feel like I’m obligated to take care of him and teach him to stop being an abuser. I’ll be a failure if I’m not able to do that before his time comes. Because that will mean that he spent his 20 years knowing me on abusing me, rather than being genuinely kind. I know it’s not good to think that but I can’t help but feel responsible, no matter what I try to tell myself. For some twisted, fucked up reason I still love him. I hate everything about him but part of me still has some hope that he will learn to be kinder some day. And because I still love him, I feel like I’m responsible for teaching him to be a non-abusive father. I don’t know, maybe he will listen to me if I’m nicer to him. But the thought of being nicer to him is actually triggering to me. I’m just lost. I’m sorry if my venting is obnoxious but I needed some place to vent this. If I’m being disruptive I will definitely leave and I’m sorry.