estrogen produces significantly noticeable breast growth. with my body type, i won’t be surprised if i get an upper b-cup some day. one day he will see that my chest is larger. he’s going to get so angry at me, he’ll be so ashamed of me and maybe even try to hurt me. i know this is a really weird thing to bring up but so many things are going through my head right now. i’m scared.
Ally [hugs] SO much what everyone is saying. He’s responsible for his health, and for dealing with his health problems, without infringing on anyone else’s mental/physical health. Please do not let him get inside your head. [MORE hugs] He should get all the medical care he needs, as anyone should. Controlling your life is NOT part of his medical care. [ALL THE HUGS]
I’ve felt a lot of the things you’re feeling right now when my family was being weird. I think part of being a good person is wanting to be as responsible as you can and fucked up people will take advantage of that and manipulate you to feel responsible for their manipulation and abuse. It’s really hard to unlearn. A therapist helped me out with it when I was 17 and I still struggle with it over 30 years later.
i’ve learned today that i have moderate anorexia. it’s all because i hate myself this much. i feel like i don’t deserve to take up space and exist, so in order to be as little of a burden as possible i purposefully starve myself. i’m ugly and disgusting so i keep thinking that starvation is what i deserve. i wish i wasn’t this self-destructive. i feel like a fucking failure. i’m trying to resist my eating disorder now that i know more about it but i wish i wasn’t so broken and pathetic like this.
Good night, Ally. I hope you feel better in the morning. Just remember that all of this is not your fault. Your dad blames you for his blood pressure because he wants to guilt you into obeying him, but his own blood pressure is entirely on him.
Ally support and hugs if you want. None of this is your fault.
pallygirl
10 years ago
For IVs, it’s a canula. For taking blood tests, the barrel is a vacutainer tube holder, and the blood tubes themselves are called the vacutainers. I used to have to do human phlebotomy as part of my role.
For the cortisone injections: ouch. I had lots 25 years ago when I had RSI in my wrist and elbow, so got repeated injections straight into the wrist and also to treat “golf elbow” and “tennis elbow”. I would go to the doctor’s with a sweatshirt, which I would bite down on so I wouldn’t scream in pain.
Ally: take care of yourself.
As for me, I have the medical oncologist tomorrow, which will determine if I am to get chemotherapy. I don’t think I will sleep much tonight, but will take a valium anyways to see if that helps. I actually want chemo because of the way the damn tumour has abnormally metatisized, so my worry is more around not getting it. I can’t go through any more surgery, I would literally rather die.
kittehserf MOD
10 years ago
But if I stress him out, his blood pressure gets worse, and he just told me that he’s having more blood pressure problems.
i know i’m wrong but i can’t help but feel like i’m always responsible for things like this.
Ally, that’s bullshit and you know it. He’s responsible for himself, you aren’t. If he freaks out over anyone escaping his hateful bigotry, tough fucking shit. He brought this entirely on himself and frankly it serves him right.
You can help feeling this way, you know. Not today, not tomorrow, but you will. This is where therapy comes into it, especially CBT. Did you look at the MoodGym site suggested to you, as a filler until you get into therapy?
Think how you’d react if someone else here was blaming themselves for their abuser’s health problem. Talk to yourself as you would to them. You wouldn’t stand for that shit for a moment.
kittehserf MOD
10 years ago
pallygirl, all the hugs and best wishes for seeing the oncologist!
Pallygirl: I’m so sorry, it sounds like there really isn’t a good outcome there. Let us know how it goes!
kittehserf MOD
10 years ago
I just saw this:
estrogen produces significantly noticeable breast growth. with my body type, i won’t be surprised if i get an upper b-cup some day. one day he will see that my chest is larger. he’s going to get so angry at me, he’ll be so ashamed of me and maybe even try to hurt me. i know this is a really weird thing to bring up but so many things are going through my head right now. i’m scared.
Fuck him, Ally. Don’t go near him again. He’s not fit to breathe the same air as you; he’s an oxygen thief. Fuck what he thinks of you. His opinion is worth nothing, less than nothing. You know what he’s done to others in your family; would you expect them to go near him ever again? No? Then don’t go near him yourself. Let him never see you again. He’s a fucking piece of shit who should be in prison. He is NOT a father, not fit to be called a father.
Greetings from Seattle! We rolled into town Monday afternoon. Right now I’m having coffee outside in cool weather and watching my neighbors walk their dogs. Lots of dogs in this ‘hood.
The kitties were super great on the trip, but two of them are still freaked at the new surroundings. I think they’re worried we’re going to put them back in the crate and drive 600 miles.
Hope everyone is doing well (hugs if not). I’ll be back more when I have internet at home.
kittehserf MOD
10 years ago
Hi, hellkell, glad the move went well – and you’ve escaped Texas heat, among other things. 🙂
pallygirl
10 years ago
Medical oncologist in just over an hour, getting stomach knots. Rang the hospital to see if they could recommend where best to find a park, and it’s all luck – there’s no parking set aside for people with outpatient appointments. /sigh
Phoenician in a time of Romans
10 years ago
Pallygirl – do you live in Wellington? If so, drop me a line at Phoenician Romans at gee mail dot com (no spaces)
We Hunted The Mammoth
estrogen produces significantly noticeable breast growth. with my body type, i won’t be surprised if i get an upper b-cup some day. one day he will see that my chest is larger. he’s going to get so angry at me, he’ll be so ashamed of me and maybe even try to hurt me. i know this is a really weird thing to bring up but so many things are going through my head right now. i’m scared.
Ally [hugs] SO much what everyone is saying. He’s responsible for his health, and for dealing with his health problems, without infringing on anyone else’s mental/physical health. Please do not let him get inside your head. [MORE hugs] He should get all the medical care he needs, as anyone should. Controlling your life is NOT part of his medical care. [ALL THE HUGS]
No, you’re not being ridiculous. Trust me.
I’ve felt a lot of the things you’re feeling right now when my family was being weird. I think part of being a good person is wanting to be as responsible as you can and fucked up people will take advantage of that and manipulate you to feel responsible for their manipulation and abuse. It’s really hard to unlearn. A therapist helped me out with it when I was 17 and I still struggle with it over 30 years later.
I’m going to bed now, but you have all my hugs.
[tw: eating disorder, self-harm]
i’ve learned today that i have moderate anorexia. it’s all because i hate myself this much. i feel like i don’t deserve to take up space and exist, so in order to be as little of a burden as possible i purposefully starve myself. i’m ugly and disgusting so i keep thinking that starvation is what i deserve. i wish i wasn’t this self-destructive. i feel like a fucking failure. i’m trying to resist my eating disorder now that i know more about it but i wish i wasn’t so broken and pathetic like this.
sorry for dumping all of this. i’m feeling better now. i just need to go to sleep. good night.
‘Night, Ally. You are not broken and pathetic. You are (I think) stronger than you realize. And we’re right there with you if you need us. HUGS.
Good night, Ally. I hope you feel better in the morning. Just remember that all of this is not your fault. Your dad blames you for his blood pressure because he wants to guilt you into obeying him, but his own blood pressure is entirely on him.
Ally,
Seconding everything Cloudiah said.
Ally support and hugs if you want. None of this is your fault.
For IVs, it’s a canula. For taking blood tests, the barrel is a vacutainer tube holder, and the blood tubes themselves are called the vacutainers. I used to have to do human phlebotomy as part of my role.
For the cortisone injections: ouch. I had lots 25 years ago when I had RSI in my wrist and elbow, so got repeated injections straight into the wrist and also to treat “golf elbow” and “tennis elbow”. I would go to the doctor’s with a sweatshirt, which I would bite down on so I wouldn’t scream in pain.
Ally: take care of yourself.
As for me, I have the medical oncologist tomorrow, which will determine if I am to get chemotherapy. I don’t think I will sleep much tonight, but will take a valium anyways to see if that helps. I actually want chemo because of the way the damn tumour has abnormally metatisized, so my worry is more around not getting it. I can’t go through any more surgery, I would literally rather die.
Ally, that’s bullshit and you know it. He’s responsible for himself, you aren’t. If he freaks out over anyone escaping his hateful bigotry, tough fucking shit. He brought this entirely on himself and frankly it serves him right.
You can help feeling this way, you know. Not today, not tomorrow, but you will. This is where therapy comes into it, especially CBT. Did you look at the MoodGym site suggested to you, as a filler until you get into therapy?
Think how you’d react if someone else here was blaming themselves for their abuser’s health problem. Talk to yourself as you would to them. You wouldn’t stand for that shit for a moment.
pallygirl, all the hugs and best wishes for seeing the oncologist!
Pallygirl: I’m so sorry, it sounds like there really isn’t a good outcome there. Let us know how it goes!
I just saw this:
Fuck him, Ally. Don’t go near him again. He’s not fit to breathe the same air as you; he’s an oxygen thief. Fuck what he thinks of you. His opinion is worth nothing, less than nothing. You know what he’s done to others in your family; would you expect them to go near him ever again? No? Then don’t go near him yourself. Let him never see you again. He’s a fucking piece of shit who should be in prison. He is NOT a father, not fit to be called a father.
To lighten the mood, I would definitely fail this American Citizenship test: http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/could-you-pass-us-citizenship-test-419?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds
LOL I really failed – 2/12!
Woohoo! Marriage equality for my home state of Kentucky!
Quoth the judge in response to arguments that gay marriage will crash the birth rate:
What the ever-loving blue-eyed fuck.
Greetings from Seattle! We rolled into town Monday afternoon. Right now I’m having coffee outside in cool weather and watching my neighbors walk their dogs. Lots of dogs in this ‘hood.
The kitties were super great on the trip, but two of them are still freaked at the new surroundings. I think they’re worried we’re going to put them back in the crate and drive 600 miles.
Hope everyone is doing well (hugs if not). I’ll be back more when I have internet at home.
Hi, hellkell, glad the move went well – and you’ve escaped Texas heat, among other things. 🙂
Medical oncologist in just over an hour, getting stomach knots. Rang the hospital to see if they could recommend where best to find a park, and it’s all luck – there’s no parking set aside for people with outpatient appointments. /sigh
Pallygirl – do you live in Wellington? If so, drop me a line at Phoenician Romans at gee mail dot com (no spaces)
Pallygirl — hopefully you’re home and resting now, but I hope everything went as well as it could.
Hellkell — w00t!
Falconer — you think snorting coffee hurts? Try doing it with smoke! Nonetheless, those are indeed not the arguments of serious people.
Now, let’s see if I pass the citizenship test!
Pallygirl — oh, that time stamp was pm, not am, silly me! In that case, I hope you’re well and the appt goes the best it possibly can!
Crossing fingers and toes for you, pallygirl, for the best possible outcome. Internet hugs!