Not for a while, I’m afraid. I don’t have enough money for therapy. I mean, I do, but I am low on money and I need to be very careful with my spending. I need to get a job, but then again I’m so mentally distressed that I can’t even think straight anymore. My friend suggests that I get food stamps but I don’t know…I have no idea what I’m going to do.
I’d suggest staying away from your family, and in particular the failed parental unit, for a while. (Actually I’d suggest staying away and out of contact with him forever, but you know that.) Just time to catch your breath, as it were, and think a little straighter.
Remember how happy you were a few days ago at the thought of starting hormone treatments? Think about that. It’s happening. There’s a huge positive change coming.
You mentioned being among trans friends now, didn’t you? Are there resources and info available where you’re living? If there are support groups, talk to them when you’re a little calmer. They’re bound to have some advice, given how often they must have seen people getting away from abusive families.
I went on a walk with my friend not too long ago. (She wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing.) And she made basically the same suggestions. She said that what I’m describing sounds a lot like a situation in which coping mechanisms I used to take for granted for the sake of survival during my encounters with abuse (during the time I was under my dad’s full control) have now remained as traumatic remnants. In other words, I react much worse to trauma now because I’m no longer in an environment in which I have to react certain ways in order to survive. And that’s why I’ve been feeling so much worse lately. I guess it makes sense because the the PT in PTSD is, in fact, “Post-Traumatic.” I’m basically in a recovery stage – a really shitty one, of course, but it’s better than being abused. She said that I should probably stay away from family for a while in order to learn what it’s like to live without their presence, interference, etc.
Okay, I’m going to sleep now. I had a smoke and I feel much calmer now. I’m thinking about things that make me feel safe and secure. Like being in a large cozy bed cuddling with someone, or sleeping on my side while holding onto a stuffed animal or curling up around a cat who’s cool with being around me. So far that kind of thinking is helping me relax. I don’t have anyone to cuddle with and I currently sleep on the floor, but I feel so relaxed that the reality doesn’t matter to me anymore. Despite all the awful things happening to me, at least I’m getting enough sleep. Good night.
what I’m describing sounds a lot like a situation in which coping mechanisms I used to take for granted for the sake of survival during …
made me think.
We used to have a lot to do with nursing homes and their residents. One issue that arose from time to time was emergency requests for permanent beds. People who had been caring for an aging, ailing relative found, quite suddenly, that they couldn’t take on the whole burden again if the parent/spouse/whoever spent more than a few days in hospital. They simply refused to take the person home from hospital. How did that happen? Why did that happen?
Because the difficulties and burdens had accumulated gradually, almost imperceptibly, year by year and they never had a chance to assess it on a total Now! it’s too much to cope with basis. Any relief, any distance, any real perspective on all the things they were required to do, along with 10 days regular sleep and none of those problems at all – suddenly put them in the position of accepting a huge set of problems all at once rather than just-one-more-thing day after day. And they simply couldn’t face it.
I think Ally’s now facing the whole horrible relationship all at once. It was always intolerable, but being accustomed to a certain level of stress and bad behaviour means that the outstanding incidents weren’t perceived in the same way as an outsider (like me) sees them. They were just one more thing, just a bit worse than usual. Now it’s taking on the whole lot in a single hit. It’s too much, despite the fact you sort of coped before.
Your friend was right Ally. You need to stay well away from it until you’ve had a chance to let memories surface, feel the distress and find a way (to start) to deal with it. Further contact with the abuser will set you back each time, no matter how well you think you’re coping.
Treat it like an allergy. You know you’re allergic to …, so you make sure you avoid any and every exposure to … Otherwise you’ll get a predictable reaction.
I know it’s a poor substitute for interpersonal CBT with a real live person to bounce things off, but ANU runs a CBT website called MoodGym which may or may not be helpful for you, Ally. Strength and healing vibes in your direction.
That sounds a lot like the analogy my friend gave me: When you walk for a day, the soreness and pain in your feet will become most intense upon rest. I still your analogy was very vivid at helpful, though, so thank you.
In brighter news, my mom now calls me Ally. She told me that she loved the nickname and wants to use it for me whenever possible (since she actively makes sure that she doesn’t accidentally out me to transmisogynists who have only known me as male). I have never had a family member care this much about me. I feel like I don’t deserve any of it, even though she’s my mom.
It makes me want to give your mom a bit hug, for being awesome and making you at least a little happy! And you totally deserve the niceness, even though you don’t always feel that way.
In other news: off shift, and in need of nap, because all the calls came in during our allowed sleepy-times, so not so much sleepy-times actually got accomplished.
So, I’ve had a very unfortunate experience with someone I love that’s thrust me deeper into my pit of despair. I figure blabbing about it here has more potential to be productive than weeping in the fetal position in bed for the next hour.
Background information: G is my ex. We were together for five years. We separated due to incompatibility and dissatisfaction with the relationship. We love each other but cannot be together happily. I was very, very frustrated with him during the relationship because he did not give me what I needed because he was the wrong person to. Over the two years sinse we’ve been apart we’ve forged a friendship that we’re far better suited to. Neither of us wants to lose the other.
He’s extremely inappropriate, socially, and an incompetent listener. He interrupts constantly and derails discussions. He’s obviously done it sinse he was a kid. His mother does it. It’s as if he can’t help himself. Friends would say “His timing is really bad” and I’d just roll my eyes and say “That’s just G” and he’s got so many fantastic qualities I thought I could tolerate it long-term. Then I thought I could tolerate it on a friendship basis. He feels very, very badly when he sees the effect it has on me and was able to modify the behaviour to some extent while we were together. It wasn’t enough to save the relationship though as we didn’t have the qualities one another needed.
He’s a great friend and has been extremely supportive during this time for me, letting me stay at his place while I’m in acute distress. I don’t want to be alone or with housemates I don’t know particularly well during this time.
I’m noticing an unfortunate trend: men I have to fight with. In my last relationship, I was responsible for my partner’s emotions. I had to navigate his emotional state so as not to step on landlines and when I did inadvertently I was responsible for defusing him, walking him through thinking exercises to demonstrate there was nothing for him to melt down over. It was like having a child. My dad was no different except I never could defuse him. He just beat me up. I’d walk on eggshells around him. With no provocation, he’d go off on me. I’d try to defuse situations but fighting usually made the fallout worse for me. Both relationships were exhausting.
G is nothing like either of these men. Like my relationships with them though, ours is extremely frustrating and, in order to derive what I need from it, I have to fight him. Again, it’s like having a child.
I can always count on G to interrupt and derail. He’s impulsive and inappropriate. He’s also caring and a lot of fun. When you’re engaged in something casual and fun, it’s no big deal. It’s actually pretty funny. Try to have a meaningful discussion with him though. It’s like pulling fucking teeth. He can’t listen for shit. I constantly have to bring him back to the topic at hand if I want to find resolution because there is no doubt he will have become distracted, interjected and taken the conversation in a different direction. He’s got no focus or self-control. If something stupid he percieves as humorous pops into his head, he WILL blurt it out at the first opportunity, regardless the seriousness of the discussion you’re trying to have with him. There’s no malicious intent. It’s just the ingrained behaviour of a voluntarily single person in their forties who overwhelmingly exists within their own mind.
I tried having a discussion with him last night while I was quite distressed. He was not understanding me. I tried repeatedly to clarify where my frustration was. He kept on responding as though I was bothered by something completely separate from what I was explaining to him. He was not hearing what I was saying. I was becoming visibly distraught by my inability to effectively communicate. I tried one more time. He responded with a really unfunny joke. I felt completely disrespected. I made a final attempt to clarify my position to him. He responded, demonstrating a lack of understanding again, and finished off with a stupid pun. I literally ran our the door, shrieking in frustration. Until I’d put my shoes on, he had thought I’d been laughing. As soon as he realised I was very, very upset he went to pieces, apologising profusely and asking me to tell him what had just occurred that had set me off. I was livid though, said “You’re forty-one; you can’t unlearn this” and sped off.
He woke up in the middle of the night while I was in the bathroom and apologised. I told him there was no value in discussing the matter at the time and we could talk later.
I tried to have that discussion with him this morning, that basically having grownup discussions with him is like pulling teeth and his lack of focus and impulsivity comes off as very insensitive and disrespectful. He became defensive and said if I was interested we could talk later.
I’m so tired of fighting the people closest to me in order to get my basic needs met or AT LEAST avoid abuse. I’m just exhausted.
Marinerachel — put G on the rule you use for kids? Count to ten, THEN speak. Prolly works better on kids though, habits are easier to unlearn when you’re just learning them.
I want to apologize for posting comments to both of you and then dropping out abruptly.
My computer is an ancient POS and it froze last night, I just got it back up and running this morning.
I feel like a right ass for expressing concern, offering help and then disappearing. I hope you are both doing better under the circumstances.
I still need to read back through this thread from where my computer up and keeled over, but I’ll be back on to reply soon (at the mercy of the gremlins who keep unseating my heat sink & filling my tower full of orange dog fur).
I have never had a family member care this much about me. I feel like I don’t deserve any of it, even though she’s my mom.
FTFY – that’s the stuff to jump on, Ally. The minute “I don’t deserve” or “I am worthless” or any of that shit the scumbag male progenitor taught you to think crops up, slam it. Tell it to piss off like you would any other troll.
lurkerina
10 years ago
@Ally
The rest analogy is a great one – now that the emergency is over, you’re still flooded with the adrenaline of the crisis. Take some time. It will definitely get better. Eat all the ice cream you need. That happens to be my coping method of choice…
And as I said before – I’m in the Bay Area. Let’s coordinate through David – I’ll give you my phone number and real email address. The one I use for this site is not my real one.
I just found out that I am unemployed,
which super sucks and shoots my anxiety through the roof,
but!
that means I’ve got a lot of free time (aside from hunting for another job).
I don’t know what you need – if you know what you need and I can help, let me know!
If you don’t know what you need yet, we can just hang out. Get coffee, have lunch, go to a museum, or stereotypically feminine activities, such as make-up shopping, playing with hair, etc (I’m a ciswoman). If you just need someone to talk to, I can listen. I’m no expert on trauma and abuse issues, so I’ll probably choose not to say much, but I’ll listen.
And if you don’t want to meet me, don’t worry about it. You’ve been through a lot. If I can help, let me know; but I don’t want to force anything on you or make you feel pressured.
Unimaginative
10 years ago
For anyone who needs it, here’s an exercise I learned in therapy a million years ago. What my therapist was trying to do was to get me to take my current, unhappy situation and reframe it, and behave as if my reality was the one I wanted instead. Fake it until you make it, or be the change you want to see in the world, or however you want to phrase it.
The problem I was having is that it was too big a gap, and every time I said, for example, I am competent and capable, it felt like a lie. And because I knew it was a lie, the whole exercise just gave me more guilt and frustration and made me beat up on myself more.
So, the exercise: Write or draw your current, unhappy situation. On a new piece of paper, write or draw your goal situation. Then, on yet more paper, write or draw at least three steps between those situations.
If you can’t get from A – Z, then go from A to B to C, and so on.
I couldn’t go from “I’m worthless” to “I’m wonderful”. I had to go from “I’m worthless” to “I have a few trivial skills” to “some people seem to like me” to “you know, I’m actually pretty good at that” to “I am excellent at this particular thing” to “SUPREME BEING OF THE UNIVERSE KNEEL BEFORE ME UNWORTHY PEONS BWAHAHAHAHA!” Well, maybe not that last one.
Unimaginative
10 years ago
Also, I’m wondering if it might be helpful if a body adapted LBT’s restricted eating zine, to have a list of go-to coping methods on hand for times of stress.
I would love to hang out, and under better circumstances I’d totally be down, but these days I’m feeling too anxious to meet with people I’m not as familiar with. I’m just in a really difficult, mentally distressing period of my life. Sorry about that. If you want my email, though, it’s aaliyahsyed94[at]gmail[dot]com. (If you still prefer to just work it out with David, that’s fine too.) Maybe some other time we can make plans. =)
The rest analogy is a great one – now that the emergency is over, you’re still flooded with the adrenaline of the crisis.
Bingo. Plus, the sympathetic nervous system reacts to stressors by adding all sorts of things it relates to them – places, people, whatever – that aren’t threats themselves. Panic attacks and anxiety can spring up from unrelated (or at least, not obviously related) sources, and it takes the parasympathetic system some time to calm things the fuck down. My last psychologist did a great job of explaining the physical workings that go into stress and anxiety and how CBT can be used to train oneself out of those responses.
I just found out that I am unemployed,
which super sucks and shoots my anxiety through the roof,
but!
that means I’ve got a lot of free time (aside from hunting for another job).
Oh, lurkerina, that sucks! 🙁 ::fellow unemployed person hug::
I couldn’t go from “I’m worthless” to “I’m wonderful”. I had to go from “I’m worthless” to “I have a few trivial skills” to “some people seem to like me” to “you know, I’m actually pretty good at that” to “I am excellent at this particular thing” to “SUPREME BEING OF THE UNIVERSE KNEEL BEFORE ME UNWORTHY PEONS BWAHAHAHAHA!” Well, maybe not that last one.
What, you mean I wasn’t supposed to do that last one?
Bummer.
lurkerina
10 years ago
@ally
I’ll email you in the next day or two with my info. That way you’ve got another friendly an supportive contact should you need one – for literally anything. And no worries on not meeting – I’ve got some social anxiety, so I can definitely understand the mental effort it takes to meet someone new.
@kitteh
Yeah – I just got an email today. And then my meeting this afternoon was canceled and I was done. It came completely out of the blue, and it really sucks, because, besides all the normal reasons, I was really enjoying this job, after many shitty ones. How is your search going? I think I might give myself until Monday before I start searching.
@unimaginitive
That does seem to work. I’ve suffered from imposter syndrome for years, and only recently, when I had to pretend I knew what I was doing, did I realize that, yeah, I’m actually pretty good at my chosen profession… The social stuff, I’m still working on…
lurkerina, wow, they could hardly have found a worse way to do it if they tried!
I haven’t been bothering to look for work yet. My Newstart (the dole) doesn’t start till next month, but when it does, I’ll be eligible for training payments and stuff. Then I’ll do a course in medical reception. There’s always work in that field.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Ally, when are you seeing your therapist next? Reinforcing your “I’m worthless” thinking is a worrying thing.
Not for a while, I’m afraid. I don’t have enough money for therapy. I mean, I do, but I am low on money and I need to be very careful with my spending. I need to get a job, but then again I’m so mentally distressed that I can’t even think straight anymore. My friend suggests that I get food stamps but I don’t know…I have no idea what I’m going to do.
I’d suggest staying away from your family, and in particular the failed parental unit, for a while. (Actually I’d suggest staying away and out of contact with him forever, but you know that.) Just time to catch your breath, as it were, and think a little straighter.
Remember how happy you were a few days ago at the thought of starting hormone treatments? Think about that. It’s happening. There’s a huge positive change coming.
You mentioned being among trans friends now, didn’t you? Are there resources and info available where you’re living? If there are support groups, talk to them when you’re a little calmer. They’re bound to have some advice, given how often they must have seen people getting away from abusive families.
I went on a walk with my friend not too long ago. (She wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing.) And she made basically the same suggestions. She said that what I’m describing sounds a lot like a situation in which coping mechanisms I used to take for granted for the sake of survival during my encounters with abuse (during the time I was under my dad’s full control) have now remained as traumatic remnants. In other words, I react much worse to trauma now because I’m no longer in an environment in which I have to react certain ways in order to survive. And that’s why I’ve been feeling so much worse lately. I guess it makes sense because the the PT in PTSD is, in fact, “Post-Traumatic.” I’m basically in a recovery stage – a really shitty one, of course, but it’s better than being abused. She said that I should probably stay away from family for a while in order to learn what it’s like to live without their presence, interference, etc.
Okay, I’m going to sleep now. I had a smoke and I feel much calmer now. I’m thinking about things that make me feel safe and secure. Like being in a large cozy bed cuddling with someone, or sleeping on my side while holding onto a stuffed animal or curling up around a cat who’s cool with being around me. So far that kind of thinking is helping me relax. I don’t have anyone to cuddle with and I currently sleep on the floor, but I feel so relaxed that the reality doesn’t matter to me anymore. Despite all the awful things happening to me, at least I’m getting enough sleep. Good night.
Hey, I wasn’t talking out of my arse, then. 😉
Sleep well, Ally!
Nuh, you weren’t. You done good.
Though the way Ally worded this …
made me think.
We used to have a lot to do with nursing homes and their residents. One issue that arose from time to time was emergency requests for permanent beds. People who had been caring for an aging, ailing relative found, quite suddenly, that they couldn’t take on the whole burden again if the parent/spouse/whoever spent more than a few days in hospital. They simply refused to take the person home from hospital. How did that happen? Why did that happen?
Because the difficulties and burdens had accumulated gradually, almost imperceptibly, year by year and they never had a chance to assess it on a total Now! it’s too much to cope with basis. Any relief, any distance, any real perspective on all the things they were required to do, along with 10 days regular sleep and none of those problems at all – suddenly put them in the position of accepting a huge set of problems all at once rather than just-one-more-thing day after day. And they simply couldn’t face it.
I think Ally’s now facing the whole horrible relationship all at once. It was always intolerable, but being accustomed to a certain level of stress and bad behaviour means that the outstanding incidents weren’t perceived in the same way as an outsider (like me) sees them. They were just one more thing, just a bit worse than usual. Now it’s taking on the whole lot in a single hit. It’s too much, despite the fact you sort of coped before.
Your friend was right Ally. You need to stay well away from it until you’ve had a chance to let memories surface, feel the distress and find a way (to start) to deal with it. Further contact with the abuser will set you back each time, no matter how well you think you’re coping.
Treat it like an allergy. You know you’re allergic to …, so you make sure you avoid any and every exposure to … Otherwise you’ll get a predictable reaction.
I know it’s a poor substitute for interpersonal CBT with a real live person to bounce things off, but ANU runs a CBT website called MoodGym which may or may not be helpful for you, Ally. Strength and healing vibes in your direction.
mildlymagnificent, that’s an excellent analysis, imo.
I agree, that was really eye-opening, mildlymagnificent.
:: adds more hugs to the barrel ::
Really well said, Mildlymagnificent.
@mildlymagnificent
That sounds a lot like the analogy my friend gave me: When you walk for a day, the soreness and pain in your feet will become most intense upon rest. I still your analogy was very vivid at helpful, though, so thank you.
In brighter news, my mom now calls me Ally. She told me that she loved the nickname and wants to use it for me whenever possible (since she actively makes sure that she doesn’t accidentally out me to transmisogynists who have only known me as male). I have never had a family member care this much about me. I feel like I don’t deserve any of it, even though she’s my mom.
think*
Ally, that’s great!
It makes me want to give your mom a bit hug, for being awesome and making you at least a little happy! And you totally deserve the niceness, even though you don’t always feel that way.
In other news: off shift, and in need of nap, because all the calls came in during our allowed sleepy-times, so not so much sleepy-times actually got accomplished.
So, I’ve had a very unfortunate experience with someone I love that’s thrust me deeper into my pit of despair. I figure blabbing about it here has more potential to be productive than weeping in the fetal position in bed for the next hour.
Background information: G is my ex. We were together for five years. We separated due to incompatibility and dissatisfaction with the relationship. We love each other but cannot be together happily. I was very, very frustrated with him during the relationship because he did not give me what I needed because he was the wrong person to. Over the two years sinse we’ve been apart we’ve forged a friendship that we’re far better suited to. Neither of us wants to lose the other.
He’s extremely inappropriate, socially, and an incompetent listener. He interrupts constantly and derails discussions. He’s obviously done it sinse he was a kid. His mother does it. It’s as if he can’t help himself. Friends would say “His timing is really bad” and I’d just roll my eyes and say “That’s just G” and he’s got so many fantastic qualities I thought I could tolerate it long-term. Then I thought I could tolerate it on a friendship basis. He feels very, very badly when he sees the effect it has on me and was able to modify the behaviour to some extent while we were together. It wasn’t enough to save the relationship though as we didn’t have the qualities one another needed.
He’s a great friend and has been extremely supportive during this time for me, letting me stay at his place while I’m in acute distress. I don’t want to be alone or with housemates I don’t know particularly well during this time.
I’m noticing an unfortunate trend: men I have to fight with. In my last relationship, I was responsible for my partner’s emotions. I had to navigate his emotional state so as not to step on landlines and when I did inadvertently I was responsible for defusing him, walking him through thinking exercises to demonstrate there was nothing for him to melt down over. It was like having a child. My dad was no different except I never could defuse him. He just beat me up. I’d walk on eggshells around him. With no provocation, he’d go off on me. I’d try to defuse situations but fighting usually made the fallout worse for me. Both relationships were exhausting.
G is nothing like either of these men. Like my relationships with them though, ours is extremely frustrating and, in order to derive what I need from it, I have to fight him. Again, it’s like having a child.
I can always count on G to interrupt and derail. He’s impulsive and inappropriate. He’s also caring and a lot of fun. When you’re engaged in something casual and fun, it’s no big deal. It’s actually pretty funny. Try to have a meaningful discussion with him though. It’s like pulling fucking teeth. He can’t listen for shit. I constantly have to bring him back to the topic at hand if I want to find resolution because there is no doubt he will have become distracted, interjected and taken the conversation in a different direction. He’s got no focus or self-control. If something stupid he percieves as humorous pops into his head, he WILL blurt it out at the first opportunity, regardless the seriousness of the discussion you’re trying to have with him. There’s no malicious intent. It’s just the ingrained behaviour of a voluntarily single person in their forties who overwhelmingly exists within their own mind.
I tried having a discussion with him last night while I was quite distressed. He was not understanding me. I tried repeatedly to clarify where my frustration was. He kept on responding as though I was bothered by something completely separate from what I was explaining to him. He was not hearing what I was saying. I was becoming visibly distraught by my inability to effectively communicate. I tried one more time. He responded with a really unfunny joke. I felt completely disrespected. I made a final attempt to clarify my position to him. He responded, demonstrating a lack of understanding again, and finished off with a stupid pun. I literally ran our the door, shrieking in frustration. Until I’d put my shoes on, he had thought I’d been laughing. As soon as he realised I was very, very upset he went to pieces, apologising profusely and asking me to tell him what had just occurred that had set me off. I was livid though, said “You’re forty-one; you can’t unlearn this” and sped off.
He woke up in the middle of the night while I was in the bathroom and apologised. I told him there was no value in discussing the matter at the time and we could talk later.
I tried to have that discussion with him this morning, that basically having grownup discussions with him is like pulling teeth and his lack of focus and impulsivity comes off as very insensitive and disrespectful. He became defensive and said if I was interested we could talk later.
I’m so tired of fighting the people closest to me in order to get my basic needs met or AT LEAST avoid abuse. I’m just exhausted.
Marinerachel — put G on the rule you use for kids? Count to ten, THEN speak. Prolly works better on kids though, habits are easier to unlearn when you’re just learning them.
@Ally S
@J.J
I want to apologize for posting comments to both of you and then dropping out abruptly.
My computer is an ancient POS and it froze last night, I just got it back up and running this morning.
I feel like a right ass for expressing concern, offering help and then disappearing. I hope you are both doing better under the circumstances.
I still need to read back through this thread from where my computer up and keeled over, but I’ll be back on to reply soon (at the mercy of the gremlins who keep unseating my heat sink & filling my tower full of orange dog fur).
I have never had a family member care this much about me.
I feel like I don’t deserve any of it, even though she’s my mom.FTFY – that’s the stuff to jump on, Ally. The minute “I don’t deserve” or “I am worthless” or any of that shit the scumbag male progenitor taught you to think crops up, slam it. Tell it to piss off like you would any other troll.
@Ally
The rest analogy is a great one – now that the emergency is over, you’re still flooded with the adrenaline of the crisis. Take some time. It will definitely get better. Eat all the ice cream you need. That happens to be my coping method of choice…
And as I said before – I’m in the Bay Area. Let’s coordinate through David – I’ll give you my phone number and real email address. The one I use for this site is not my real one.
I just found out that I am unemployed,
which super sucks and shoots my anxiety through the roof,
but!
that means I’ve got a lot of free time (aside from hunting for another job).
I don’t know what you need – if you know what you need and I can help, let me know!
If you don’t know what you need yet, we can just hang out. Get coffee, have lunch, go to a museum, or stereotypically feminine activities, such as make-up shopping, playing with hair, etc (I’m a ciswoman). If you just need someone to talk to, I can listen. I’m no expert on trauma and abuse issues, so I’ll probably choose not to say much, but I’ll listen.
And if you don’t want to meet me, don’t worry about it. You’ve been through a lot. If I can help, let me know; but I don’t want to force anything on you or make you feel pressured.
For anyone who needs it, here’s an exercise I learned in therapy a million years ago. What my therapist was trying to do was to get me to take my current, unhappy situation and reframe it, and behave as if my reality was the one I wanted instead. Fake it until you make it, or be the change you want to see in the world, or however you want to phrase it.
The problem I was having is that it was too big a gap, and every time I said, for example, I am competent and capable, it felt like a lie. And because I knew it was a lie, the whole exercise just gave me more guilt and frustration and made me beat up on myself more.
So, the exercise: Write or draw your current, unhappy situation. On a new piece of paper, write or draw your goal situation. Then, on yet more paper, write or draw at least three steps between those situations.
If you can’t get from A – Z, then go from A to B to C, and so on.
I couldn’t go from “I’m worthless” to “I’m wonderful”. I had to go from “I’m worthless” to “I have a few trivial skills” to “some people seem to like me” to “you know, I’m actually pretty good at that” to “I am excellent at this particular thing” to “SUPREME BEING OF THE UNIVERSE KNEEL BEFORE ME UNWORTHY PEONS BWAHAHAHAHA!” Well, maybe not that last one.
Also, I’m wondering if it might be helpful if a body adapted LBT’s restricted eating zine, to have a list of go-to coping methods on hand for times of stress.
@lurkerina
I would love to hang out, and under better circumstances I’d totally be down, but these days I’m feeling too anxious to meet with people I’m not as familiar with. I’m just in a really difficult, mentally distressing period of my life. Sorry about that. If you want my email, though, it’s aaliyahsyed94[at]gmail[dot]com. (If you still prefer to just work it out with David, that’s fine too.) Maybe some other time we can make plans. =)
Bingo. Plus, the sympathetic nervous system reacts to stressors by adding all sorts of things it relates to them – places, people, whatever – that aren’t threats themselves. Panic attacks and anxiety can spring up from unrelated (or at least, not obviously related) sources, and it takes the parasympathetic system some time to calm things the fuck down. My last psychologist did a great job of explaining the physical workings that go into stress and anxiety and how CBT can be used to train oneself out of those responses.
Oh, lurkerina, that sucks! 🙁 ::fellow unemployed person hug::
What, you mean I wasn’t supposed to do that last one?
Bummer.
@ally
I’ll email you in the next day or two with my info. That way you’ve got another friendly an supportive contact should you need one – for literally anything. And no worries on not meeting – I’ve got some social anxiety, so I can definitely understand the mental effort it takes to meet someone new.
@kitteh
Yeah – I just got an email today. And then my meeting this afternoon was canceled and I was done. It came completely out of the blue, and it really sucks, because, besides all the normal reasons, I was really enjoying this job, after many shitty ones. How is your search going? I think I might give myself until Monday before I start searching.
@unimaginitive
That does seem to work. I’ve suffered from imposter syndrome for years, and only recently, when I had to pretend I knew what I was doing, did I realize that, yeah, I’m actually pretty good at my chosen profession… The social stuff, I’m still working on…
lurkerina, wow, they could hardly have found a worse way to do it if they tried!
I haven’t been bothering to look for work yet. My Newstart (the dole) doesn’t start till next month, but when it does, I’ll be eligible for training payments and stuff. Then I’ll do a course in medical reception. There’s always work in that field.