i’m safe enough. i know i’m safe, but i don’t feel i’m safe. i know exactly where to go if i actually am unsafe. i’m just having a really bad ptsd shit moment right now. sorry for hte trouble.
My PTSD just seems to be getting worse over time and I hate it so fucking much. I just want to feel safe. That’s all I want.
It might be jerkbrain, but it is telling you something. That seeing your dad is likely to revive or worsen those feelings.
Once this day, week, whatever it takes, is over, you’ll be in a better position to judge whether that is a price you are, or aren’t, willing to pay to see your sisters. It’s an entirely valid decision for you to say you’re willing to see your sisters no matter what it costs you. But you should, if that’s what you decide to do, prepare yourself with backup / debrief / recuperate resources before exposing yourself to the stress.
contrapangloss
10 years ago
Ally, you mentioned having trans women friends in the area. Could one of them pick you up, and let you crash on her couch one night?
If being at your uncle’s after that meeting with your dad is triggering you, getting to a friends might help.
I’m so sorry you feel this way, and I would never laugh at you for this.
Your friends probably won’t find it an imposition, because they probably want you to feel safe, too.
Ally, have a big hug. We are not going to laugh at you or pressure you in any way. You have nerves of steel to face your dad at all after everything he’s done and it’s to be expected that it would be really, really upsetting to you.
Here is a giant army of ducks to get between you and your dad.
P.S. Your hair looks great and he needs to get over that already.
i can’t go to my friend’s place right now. it’s too late so none of the buses are running. it’s okay i’ll just get stoned or something and pray that it just fucking goes away. i just feel unsafe. i feel like no one loves me or cares about me. they just want to do bad things to me.
my dad is planning to do stuff with me tomorrow. i’ll have to pass. i can’t take it. i’ll just see my little sisters again soon. they aren’t leaving right away anyway.
i’m not upset at anyone but guys please don’t talk about my appearance right now. thinking about my face and my hair is just so revolting. i’m fucking disgusting. i’m just really sensitive righ tnow and i don’t want to think about it. i know you guys are tyring to really be nice so i’m really sorry but this is just how i feel.
i’ll be ok. i know i’m safe. i’mm just really scared and ashamed of myself right now. i’m sorry.
very very tmi and also major tw for sexual abuse this is just really crappy venting sftuff so you can prolly abvoid if you want:
i’m calming down now a little bit. i decided to undress myself completely since i’m feeling really warm and sweaty. i sweat a lot during some anxiety attacks. trying to not look at my own body because it looks so gross. i locked the door in my room. i’m so fucking weird i actually am wearing almost no clothes yet i’m wrapping myself in blankets. so fucking wierd.
i’m just really glad that no one else is in here. one of the things that terrifies me the most about sexual abuse is the thought of the abuser seeing my gross naked body, and then laughing at me for it, laughing at me for actually considering myself to have a female body. maybe i deserive to be laughed at.
i hate my life so much. why did i have to get this shitty trauma?
my spelling fucking sucks for some reason sometimes. i’m sorry.
kitteh he will know because he will notice the physical effects. i’m going to fucking die from anxiety if he comes up to me and asks “are you on estrogen?????”
i’ll go eat something. maybe i’ll feel better. and then i’ll have a smoke. but what i really want to do is to just cry. just sit next to someone who cares and just cry on their shoulders. just let it all out. crying is really difficult for me and i have no idea why. i’m so messe d up. i’ll be ok.
Ally, I can only say, you’ll have to drop contact with him when you do start transitioning. Completely. Not that he has ever given you any reason to stay in contact.
You’re not weird, you’re none of those things fear and jerkbrain are telling you (oh, and who trained them to say that? The douchecanoe scum who pretends he’s a father).
He’s a malignant tumour, and he’s going to have to be cut out of your life sooner or later. Better sooner.
wewereemergencies
10 years ago
I wish I could be there for you Ally. But I believe you are amazing and that you *will* be OK. You’ve already taken steps to get there.
i’m so sorry for bothering everyone. thank you for being patient with me. i don’t deserve it but i appreciate it anyway. i’m going to go downstairs (not naked). and i’ll try doing normal human things like eating. and perhaps smoking, although many anti-drug people would argue that smoking isn’t a normal human activity and is in fact an evil device of destruction. i’m cool with that. anyway i don’t know what i’m saying but i’lm feeling better now and i’ll come back in a bit or something i think. thank you so much. i’m sorry.
wewereemergencies
10 years ago
Nothing to apologise for Ally. You definitely deserve our attention, and we weren’t “being patient” with you. We do genuinely care OK? And do whatever you need to in order to feel better.
I ate some ice cream so I’m feeling better now. I used a baby spoon too, which I think is highly amusing because it’s like a metaphor of my current mental state. LOL At least I’m okay now and it’s easier to type.
wewereemergencies
10 years ago
Ice cream is always good. I had chocolate cheesecake yesterday. It was yum, but I prefer lime cheesecake.
We Hunted The Mammoth
@unimaginative
i’m safe enough. i know i’m safe, but i don’t feel i’m safe. i know exactly where to go if i actually am unsafe. i’m just having a really bad ptsd shit moment right now. sorry for hte trouble.
It might be jerkbrain, but it is telling you something. That seeing your dad is likely to revive or worsen those feelings.
Once this day, week, whatever it takes, is over, you’ll be in a better position to judge whether that is a price you are, or aren’t, willing to pay to see your sisters. It’s an entirely valid decision for you to say you’re willing to see your sisters no matter what it costs you. But you should, if that’s what you decide to do, prepare yourself with backup / debrief / recuperate resources before exposing yourself to the stress.
Ally, you mentioned having trans women friends in the area. Could one of them pick you up, and let you crash on her couch one night?
If being at your uncle’s after that meeting with your dad is triggering you, getting to a friends might help.
I’m so sorry you feel this way, and I would never laugh at you for this.
Your friends probably won’t find it an imposition, because they probably want you to feel safe, too.
And I should say, we’re prepared to be one of your debrief/ backup resources if that’s what you want.
Ally, have a big hug. We are not going to laugh at you or pressure you in any way. You have nerves of steel to face your dad at all after everything he’s done and it’s to be expected that it would be really, really upsetting to you.
Here is a giant army of ducks to get between you and your dad.
P.S. Your hair looks great and he needs to get over that already.
i can’t go to my friend’s place right now. it’s too late so none of the buses are running. it’s okay i’ll just get stoned or something and pray that it just fucking goes away. i just feel unsafe. i feel like no one loves me or cares about me. they just want to do bad things to me.
my dad is planning to do stuff with me tomorrow. i’ll have to pass. i can’t take it. i’ll just see my little sisters again soon. they aren’t leaving right away anyway.
my dad will try to hunt me down once he finds out about my hormones. i have no hope.
Good plan, avoiding your dad right now.
It might not mean all that much because we’re only over the internet, but we care.
Ally, we are here. We care about you.
Your dad is just reinforcing why you left in the first place. He has no right to expect to spend time with you. He hasn’t earned it.
And you know you always have a safe spot here if you need to get really, really away from him.
i’m not upset at anyone but guys please don’t talk about my appearance right now. thinking about my face and my hair is just so revolting. i’m fucking disgusting. i’m just really sensitive righ tnow and i don’t want to think about it. i know you guys are tyring to really be nice so i’m really sorry but this is just how i feel.
i’ll be ok. i know i’m safe. i’mm just really scared and ashamed of myself right now. i’m sorry.
Ally: OK, thanks for letting us know. Would some tiny horseshoe crablets help?
Who’s going to tell him? That’s private medical information, nobody should be sharing it.
Don’t be ashamed of yourself Ally. There is nothing you should be ashamed of. Nothing.
very very tmi and also major tw for sexual abuse this is just really crappy venting sftuff so you can prolly abvoid if you want:
i’m calming down now a little bit. i decided to undress myself completely since i’m feeling really warm and sweaty. i sweat a lot during some anxiety attacks. trying to not look at my own body because it looks so gross. i locked the door in my room. i’m so fucking weird i actually am wearing almost no clothes yet i’m wrapping myself in blankets. so fucking wierd.
i’m just really glad that no one else is in here. one of the things that terrifies me the most about sexual abuse is the thought of the abuser seeing my gross naked body, and then laughing at me for it, laughing at me for actually considering myself to have a female body. maybe i deserive to be laughed at.
i hate my life so much. why did i have to get this shitty trauma?
my spelling fucking sucks for some reason sometimes. i’m sorry.
kitteh he will know because he will notice the physical effects. i’m going to fucking die from anxiety if he comes up to me and asks “are you on estrogen?????”
i’ll go eat something. maybe i’ll feel better. and then i’ll have a smoke. but what i really want to do is to just cry. just sit next to someone who cares and just cry on their shoulders. just let it all out. crying is really difficult for me and i have no idea why. i’m so messe d up. i’ll be ok.
Ally, I can only say, you’ll have to drop contact with him when you do start transitioning. Completely. Not that he has ever given you any reason to stay in contact.
You’re not weird, you’re none of those things fear and jerkbrain are telling you (oh, and who trained them to say that? The douchecanoe scum who pretends he’s a father).
He’s a malignant tumour, and he’s going to have to be cut out of your life sooner or later. Better sooner.
I wish I could be there for you Ally. But I believe you are amazing and that you *will* be OK. You’ve already taken steps to get there.
Cry if you can, Ally. I am sorry you are not there.
i’m so sorry for bothering everyone. thank you for being patient with me. i don’t deserve it but i appreciate it anyway. i’m going to go downstairs (not naked). and i’ll try doing normal human things like eating. and perhaps smoking, although many anti-drug people would argue that smoking isn’t a normal human activity and is in fact an evil device of destruction. i’m cool with that. anyway i don’t know what i’m saying but i’lm feeling better now and i’ll come back in a bit or something i think. thank you so much. i’m sorry.
Nothing to apologise for Ally. You definitely deserve our attention, and we weren’t “being patient” with you. We do genuinely care OK? And do whatever you need to in order to feel better.
I ate some ice cream so I’m feeling better now. I used a baby spoon too, which I think is highly amusing because it’s like a metaphor of my current mental state. LOL At least I’m okay now and it’s easier to type.
Ice cream is always good. I had chocolate cheesecake yesterday. It was yum, but I prefer lime cheesecake.
Seconding all that – nothing to apologise for, Ally.
Ice cream, yum!