Just a quick note to let you know that the protest against the AVFM Conference at the Doubletree in Detroit is happening right now. You can check the hashtag #NoMRA on Twitter for live updates. Here’s a Ms Magazine blog piece with more details.
I’ll have some thoughts on it all later.
Photo from @Katie_Speak on Twitter.
marinerachel – so glad you’re getting checked out today. Please keep us posted. If it is ectopic and you end up getting methotrexate or surgery, make sure they schedule you for followups and HCG monitoring, and do everything they can to protect your future fertility.
Definitely don’t beat yourself up. There’s nothing to regret. You did everything you could. If you gave the relationship your all, and he still didn’t turn out to be “the one”, then he wasn’t the one. Someone else, sometime, somewhere, will see just how worthwhile your love is, and thank their lucky stars they met you. You’ll look back and realize this guy was just a speed bump on the road to your destiny. (Or alternatively, a bunch of Botts dots on the freeway of love…there’s a country and western song in there somewhere). Being hurt is a normal, understandable reaction to losing everything you invested. Pain means the part of you that’s capable of love is working correctly, and that bodes well for your future relationships. Unlike you, your ex isn’t going to walk away from this a better, stronger, more self-aware person.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself, seek out compassionate people, and do what makes your heart feel good. You have a lot of healing ahead of you.
One thing that helped me when I went through a break-up that was very much not what I wanted was to remember that a person who doesn’t want to be with you is NOT who you want to be with. It’s not that YOU are worthless. It’s that THEY are not the right person for you, by the very fact that they broke up with you.
I know right now your brain wants to tell you that being the person he loves is the thing you want most in the whole wide world, but I know that you know that’s not true.
You’ve already tried subsuming yourself in his desires. You’ve already tried being everything he needs and never asking for anything for yourself. And that didn’t work out for you. You weren’t happy, and you know that you couldn’t have gone on like that indefinitely. You didn’t ask for his trust because you’re a Big Ole Meanypants Who Wants To Ruin Everything. You asked because it is something that you need, and it’s a super reasonable thing to need, and you wouldn’t be happy in a life with someone who didn’t trust you.
Sure, *right now* you’re feeling pretty fucking bad, worse than you felt when things were just quietly frustrating. But once you’ve gone through all this badness, you will find yourself free to be with someone who has all sorts of wonderful qualities PLUS they don’t make you feel like you’re slowly drowning in someone else’s nightmare.
@marinerachel
I wish I could offer some advice, but I haven’t been in a relationship before, so all I can do is offer hugs.
@marinerachel
I wanted to remind you that in BC you can call 811 any time to speak to a nurse who can help you decide what to do and give you information about resources.
@marinerachel
That is the BC nurse hotline operated by Healthlink.
I’ve found them to be helpful in deciding whether an visit to emergency is called for, and they are very compassionate.
Have you guys seen this reddit thread?
http://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/27m68v/crazed_woman_attacks_man_for_flying_drone_on_beach/ci26aob
I swear to god I’m so sick of that place. Only on Reddit can a story of a “crazed” woman attacking a man and getting arrested for it become a circlejerk over how evil feminism is. Plus, you get the “2XC is a sub for hating men” and “Lol, stupid woman thinks she’s hot in a bikini” on top of it. How do people remember to breathe in that place? Fuck!
Is that the one about the guy who was flying a drone by women’s butts and harassing them?
Adding to marinerachel support and hugs. I’ve been in a similar situation, but after about 6 months of struggle and healing- I met someone truly wonderful who does more than just take. In my case, the asshole breakup dude was very damaged from a recent divorce and was using me to repair his ego. I gave my heart, body, soul, time and money to this guy for months, and as soon as I asked for a crumb of reassurance, be broke up with me in the worst way (suggesting that I remain available to him for sex while he looks for someone ‘more in his league’) Marinerachel- I know you are feeling low, it will take time but you will heal. Don’t do what I did and jump into the dating scene while you are still raw. That’s how I fell into a cycle of dating manipulative PUA’s who preyed on my insecurity. Do something that you enjoy and rebuild your self esteem. Take all that love and energy you were giving him and put it back into yourself. Keep reaching out to others, you can do this. Much healing and peace to you.
Actual positive news coverage:
http://motorcitymuckraker.com/blog/2014/06/08/lens-on-detroit-controversial-mens-rights-group-draws-protest/
Weirwoodtreehugger – I don’t think so. I’ve seen the YouTube video taken from the quadcopter, and it was flying around 75/100 foot elevation.
Doesn’t make the Reddit commentary any less revolting, even if the woman’s assault of the photographer was unwarranted.
@marinerachel: I hope you’ve managed to get some local health support by now – hooray for living in a country with “socialist” healthcare.
I see I am not alone in thinking that you are not ethically obligated to tell the ex anything. I think you would have a point there if you decided you were keeping the pregnancy and he would be up for child support, plus other family related obligations. However, as you have decided on a termination, this is now None. Of. His. Business. Given he has treated you emotionally abusively in the past, I am extremely concerned that you telling him will give him a whole new avenue for abusing you. He may:
– do the whole MRA thing about wanting the child, and that he “should have rights”, and guilt trip you that way
– suddenly become anti-choice and guilt trip you that way
It will be something that, if you have any contact with him later (maybe he’s part of your wider social circle as well?) that he would have the opportunity to continue this behaviour into the future as well.
Also, don’t put it past a person like this to do horrid things like contact your close friends and family (I assume he has phone numbers and/or addresses) and fucking tell them when it is None. Of. Their. Business. Either.
Please: you are really putting yourself at risk if you tell him. Please, please don’t.
As an exercise, if you feel up to it, how about writing down 10 things about you that are awesome/you’re really proud of. If you can do that in 2 minutes, push it to 20 things.
What are the last 5 nice things people have said about you/to you?
Here’s one if you’er stuck: you’re a really clever person who adds a lot of value to conversations in this blog. Plus, your alias is bad arse!
marinerachel, adding my hugs if you want them and just basically doing a copy and paste of everyone else’s comments. Dude was a lying abusive asshat, and he manipulated you into caring for a shadow. Take all the time you need to mourn the loss of this shadow, this false person you believed in, because your belief in him made him real. And mourn for yourself because you’ve lost some innocence here, and innocence is a brutal loss. Take whatever time you need and know that you are worthwhile, you are valuable, and you deserve to be cherished. And I know this is our first interaction but I trust the judgement of most people here, and they overwhelmingly cherish you because you deserve it.
Note to BRZ: Fuck you. You’re banned.
Thanks David.
I don’t know what BRZ did to get banned, but I’m sure Anand will sweep in here to claim it was rude to ban him.
About fucking time. Thanks, David!
Thank you, David. He’s had that coming.
I’m going to miss his manarchist diatribes, his woefully off-the-mark criticisms of feminist ideologies that he has literally no understanding of, and his abuse apologia. Not.
@marinerachel, just wanted to second what everyone’s been saying here: you deserve better. And I’m glad you’re getting the medical help you need.
This! So much this. It’s hard to love and believe in someone, only to be tossed away by them, but the reality is that the person who did the tossing is the real (and terrible) person, not the lovely character you fell for. It’s okay to feel bad for falling in love with a false front; your love was real and it’s worth mourning.
@marinerachel,the fact that you are capable of love and compassion is part of what makes you worthwhile. Trust the people here, lol; they have exceedingly good radar for trolls and other worthless people, and if they say you have worth, believe them! More hugs here, if you need some extra!
Just caught up on this thread, again.
Marinerachel, glad you’re getting checked out. Anytime there’s a pregnancy when someone’s on birth control, it’s a scary thing.
All the internet hugs. All of them. This has got to be one scary, horrible, no good feeling. You deserve way better.
Seconding and thirding everyone else’s advice and kind words. You are an awesome person. If it’s ectopic, I’m crossing my fingers for a safe resolution. It it’s actually implanted in the proper place, all my support for whatever decision you make, and all my hopes for your health and safety.
You are a wonderful person. You are worth so much. I’ll be sending all the good thoughts I can your way.
marinerachel, what everyone else has said, in big glittery capitals. ALL the hugs.
About Brz being banned at last – what Ally said: about fucking time.
I am so hurt. I have never been this hurt before. I want to die.
@marinerachel
He was an asshole. He can go fuck himself. You, on the other hand, are an awesome person and I’m confident that you will find a man who loves you and cares about you.
Your life is meaningful. Take as much time as you need to heal, and even if you find yourself making little or no progress, you still matter. You’ll always matter. Please take care of yourself.
🙁 🙁 🙁 hugs if you want them, marinerachel *adds to barrel of hugs*