Just a quick note to let you know that the protest against the AVFM Conference at the Doubletree in Detroit is happening right now. You can check the hashtag #NoMRA on Twitter for live updates. Here’s a Ms Magazine blog piece with more details.
I’ll have some thoughts on it all later.
Photo from @Katie_Speak on Twitter.
marinerachel,
Ectopic pregnancies kill. Yes, you should go to the ER.
You’re not ethically obligated to tell him anything. Do what you feel best about doing, but don’t feel obligated. This has nothing to do with him at this point.
Is there someone who can go with you to the ER? I don’t know what waiting rooms are like in Canada, but here in the US you can wait all day to be seen. It’s good to have company while you wait, especially when you are feeling down.
marinerachel, we are here for you.
You might want to do a search for urgent care facilities in your area. UBC Hospital, which Auntie Alias suggested, is one in Vancouver, but if you’re living elsewhere you might have one where you are, too. They operate much like the ER, but they are for non-emergency cases. If there is no urgent care available where you are, though, you should go to the ER if that’s what you want. It’s your next-best option. In either case, I would bring a friend and a book or something, because you’re going to be doing a lot of sitting and waiting.
Anything you need, just ask. We will help you through this.
I think I’ll go to the ER at Women’s Hospital in Vancouver but I know they’re heavily bogged down by a massive population. I could probably get an ultrasound at one of the more suburban hospitals much more promptly. If I need an ectopic termination though I’ll be sent to Women’s. If I don’t, using a suburban hospital is the right option. I don’t know though.
It sounds like you have a sound plan in place. Would it be helpful to call one of the nurses at Healthlink to see where they suggest you go?
I feel very, very guilty going to emerge when I’m not symptomatic. I’m scared of waiting for symptoms to return though. I don’t want to risk preventable injury.
Don’t wait for symptoms whatever else you do or don’t do!!
If your Healthlink service is anything like ours in Australia, you’re likely to get pretty good advice on which is the best facility for your needs.
Ringing up any service and telling them you have an IUD, you’re several weeks pregnant and you’ve already had some bleeding will get them, and you, on the right path pretty quickly.
marinerachel, you are courageous. It’s brave to make yourself vulnerable to another person, it’s brave to give everything you’ve got to a relationship, and it’s so very, very brave to pick yourself up and keep moving through the aftermath. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re not worthless, you’re not stupid, you’re amazing.
cloudiah and AngryMouse have already mentioned that your ex sounds like an abuser, and I’ll give a rousing +1 to that. Even if you had managed to convince him that you were semper fidelis personified, chances were that he would have transferred his suspicions to everyone else in the world. That was my emotionally abusive ex’s MO; he trusted me , but all other people were users who were going to take advantage of my sweet nature if boyfriend let his guard down. I spent a lot of my time telling him that Economics Class Guy wasn’t a threat, he just wanted to borrow notes, and that of course BFF wasn’t talking smack about him while we were out. It’s a different blame game, but the results seem exactly the same.
Also, please don’t feel badly about getting the medical care you need. You’re taking care of yourself, and you’re being as proactive as you can. There’s no cause for shame in that. You only get one body, and yours deserves the best.
Absolutely you are justified in going for emergency treatment when there is a chance this could be an ectopic pregnancy. If you’re worried about wasting people’s time, think about it like this, if you get it dealt with before symptoms and complications emerge, it’ll be much easier and quicker to treat. Whereas if you wait until things are more advanced and more complex then it’ll be a lengthier and complicated treatment. So if you go now, you’re actually saving them time!
We in the UK have a similar phone service for when you aren’t sure where to get healthcare but you need it quickly. But it sounds like calling Healthlink is a good idea. And if in doubt, get yourself to ER.
He could have been the one. He just chose not to be because I wasn’t worthwhile. That’s so much worse than just being incompatible. I wasn’t worth getting a little psychiatric help. He moved heaven and earth to make his past relationships work but he just disposed of me the first time I asked something of him. I gave him everything and he means the world to me. I was the only one putting anything in though.
I spoke to a nurse at Women’s Hospital where I’d have the surgery if it’s an ectopic and there’s risk of rupture and blood loss. They said, because I’m asymptomatic, they can’t push me to the front of the line for ultrasounds (lots of sick ladies there already) but the women’s health centre, the abortion clinic, will squeeze me in for a transvaginal this morning before they begin their day of assessments and procedures. If they find a uterine pregnancy they’ll take out my IUD and send me home. If they find an ectopic pregnancy, they’ll determine my risk of rupture and based on that will either give a methotrexate injection or ambulance me to Women’s Hospital to have the fetus and placenta removed surgically.
@marinerachel:
He just chose not to be because I wasn’t worthwhile.
No, he chose not to be because he was too cheap to make the effort of being a good boyfriend. Seriously, this is the guy who’s just dumped his *pregnant* girlfriend because he couldn’t be bothered to deal with his insecurity. At this point the only person in the world who could possibly have any respect for him is Paul Elam. None of the things he’s chosen to do has any bearing on you. You’re lovely, and way too good for him.
He moved heaven and earth to make his past relationships work but he just disposed of me the first time I asked something of him.
He says he moved heaven and earth to make his past relationships work. You only have his word for it. Have you spoken to any of his ex-girlfriends? It’s possible they have a story that matches yours. A leopard doesn’t change his spots.
@marinerachel: Thank goodness for Canadian healthcare. Good luck with your ultrasound!
Not true at all! You were the one making all the effort and he wasn’t willing to give anything. That’s not because you aren’t worth it; it’s because he is selfish. Even if his behaviour is due to an undiagnosed mental illness, if he wasn’t willing to seek help, it’s not a reflection on you. He’s in denial that he has a problem. It’s far easier for him to shift the blame to someone else – in this case, you.
marinerachel, I am so glad you are getting the healthcare you need! Fingers crossed that it all goes well.
marinerachel, I’m so glad you called the hospital and have a plan in place. I’m wishing you all the best. Warm hugs if you want them.
QFT
But don’t feel you don’t get to mourn the end of the relationship, marinerachel. You have lost the person you thought he was, the person who might have been the one. And you get to mourn the loss of that love for as long as you want and need.
Please know that there are people across the world who think the best of you, who wish the best for you, who are frustrated at not being able to be there for you in person and who will be ready to provide what support they can, here, whenever you need us.
marinerachel — everyone’s already been more eloquent than me, so I’ll just add to the hugs and good luck wishes!
@marinerachel:
If he really “moved Heaven and Earth” to make his past relationships work, then he probably sucks at it seeing as none of them worked.
I ditched a best friend this last year because it became clear he was an abuser. The tipoff came when he was ranting about his then-current girlfriend, trying to convince me she was abusive. Suddenly I realized it was the exact same song and dance I’d heard when he was trying to justify why he’d cheated on his LAST girlfriend, except waaaay more frantic and hysterical.
So what I’m saying is, I’d give it a 90% chance that nothing about his past relationships was anything like he described. I guarantee that when he describes how this one went down to the next girl, he’s going to be the long-suffering hero who finally realizes that he can never change enough for the woman who “just wants to control/change/own me”.
So all the hugs, I’m glad you have access to healthcare, ectopic pregnancies can kill if not handled with care.
I don’t have advice that anyone else hasn’t already given, but if you want brain bleach, have some baby fennecs.
http://animals.io9.com/baby-fennec-foxes-are-the-cutest-things-youll-see-all-w-1587603773/+rtgonzalez
@ marinerachel
After a year of this guy chipping away at your self-esteem by taking everything you can give and not giving anything back it’s not surprising that you feel like this is happening because you’re not worthwhile, but it’s not true. Please listen to what people are saying – taking and taking and then bailing the moment the other person asks for anything in return is a classic abusive pattern. Good people who’re worthy of your devotion don’t do that. The way he reacted to your request for some consideration doesn’t say anything about you at all, but it says a lot about him.
marinerachel,
His choices are not about you or what you are worth. Some people are just no-account. It sounds like he’s one of those people. You were smart to stand up for your boundaries and you are better off without him in your life.
Don’t treat yourself the way he treated you. Love yourself. If you cannot feel your worth today, fake it until you make it. Mourn the loss of your lover as long as you need to, but let his issues leave with him. He’s the problem, not you.
THIS!
Binjabreel,
Cheaters always have a sob story, don’t they? They’d NEVER cheat on YOU. They just had to cheat on the last person because reasons.
…until they do because they HAD toooo.
Whiners.
Here’s something that I’ve found useful in the past when the “this is happening because I’m worthless” feelings start getting to people. These things you’re telling yourself about yourself – how would you react if you heard someone saying the same things about someone who you love? Would you agree with them, or would you try to convince them that they’re wrong? Wouldn’t it make you sad, to hear them putting themselves down like that?
If your first reaction would be “of course that’s not true, and there’s no way that situation is your fault!”, then chances are it’s not true in your own situation either. Be kind to yourself, and recognize that whatever the person whose behavior caused you to feel this way did to make you feel that way wasn’t kind at all. Someone who isn’t kind to you doesn’t deserve to be part of your life, but you absolutely deserve to be kind to yourself.
@marinerachel,
Seriously, all the hugs you want. I’ve been in a situation quite similar to yours, and I can tell you this piece of shit will find a way to make you feel like shit whatever you choose regarding the pregnancy. I understand the want to tell him, but don’t feel obligated. There ARE better men out there. You WILL find them. And I know it might seem impossible now, but hang in there. You will eventually get to that angry-and-it-feels-good stage where you can happily rant about him with all your friends and see how pathetic he is when he tries to crawl back. The mourning period sucks, though, and the fact that you’re pregnant at the same time sucks even more. I prescribe foods you like, people you can safely vent to, long walks if the weather’s nice, and movies and music and shows and books you like that can take your mind off it. The negative feels will come in waves, but the waves will become less and less devastating. Take the time you need to mourn (it was ten months for me), but you’ll be stronger after this and see that this relationship was a bob-omb dodged. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs if you want them. You’re not worthless; you’re kind and accommodating and selfless and he took advantage and wasn’t willing to give anything back because he’s self-centered and entitled. The problem was with him, not you.
marinerachel, I am so sorry you’re in this position. nthing that this is *not* a failing of yours. Deliberate or not, he has systematically worn you down so you are blaming yourself for his lack of love. People shouldn’t treat people like that, you do *not* deserve to be treated as worthless.
Lots of luck and hugs and anything you want and nothing you don’t want. If there’s anything I can do to help via the internet I will: I wish there was more that I could. 🙁