Just a quick note to let you know that the protest against the AVFM Conference at the Doubletree in Detroit is happening right now. You can check the hashtag #NoMRA on Twitter for live updates. Here’s a Ms Magazine blog piece with more details.
I’ll have some thoughts on it all later.
Photo from @Katie_Speak on Twitter.
You’ve got it, Auntie Alias. Jellyfish, shellfish, barnacles, coral…
This isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to hurt like this for someone who isn’t hurting at all. It’s not fair.
It’s really not fair 🙁
🙁 ::offers more hugs::
I know that feel, marinerachel. When my borderline-abuser definitely-asshole college boyfriend dumped me for someone else, it killed me that I was hurting while that asshole was happily off with someone else. But I got over it, and even realized how grateful I was to be free of him, and I promise you’ll get there too.
Hagfish: technically vertebrates, due to notochord and developmental features. At least, according to my former vertebrate zoology professor.
I like to consider them non-vertebrate chordates, myself…
I want him desperately. This would be bad enough if I didn’t want him and was just experiencing loss of the relationship and rejection. I want him so badly though.
@marinerachel: do you want him – the real him – the one who does give two hoots about your feelings, or do you want:
– the him-you-thought-he-was?
– the future that you thought the two of you were going to experience?
I wish I could be there and hug you, and tell you how special you are, and how life is going to be so much better for you now. Because it’s so true.
I want the him he could have been but chose not to.
I don’t miss his insecurity and childishness and lying to himself and refusal to do a thing about any of it despite the profound pain it caused me (and him but he’s in denial about the harm his emotions cause in his life. He thinks as long as he’s hot and has great marks he’s OK.) This brings me no relief though.
But…the notochord isn’t…whatever. The freaky things can be vertebrates if they want. I’m not going to argue with something that somehow has a skull and no spine and can tie itself in knots. So. Weird.
Marinerachel — would talking aquatics help distract you? I’m a freshwater fan, but my Puff is a green spotted puffer (my first foray into salty tanks!)
Yes, hagfish are weird. Another good reason not to argue with them: so slime, so much. One little hagfishy in a bucket = bucket full of slimy mucus.
Myxinoidea, the taxon champions of slime.
Marinerachel, could you tell us about your sediment sampling stuff?
Recent grad me found that mention in the other thread fascinating, and would love to hear more! It might help to talk about something interesting… I could blather on about flounder and how dock shrimp chromatophore control doesn’t seem to be affected by pH, in return, if you’d like.
But fish slime is quite useful for the scaleless ones! How else would goofball loaches manage to get unstuck when they moronically try fitting in TEENY TINY SPACES?
Marinerachel, I’m just now catching up here. I am so sorry about everything that’s happened, but I’m amazed at you and your self-awareness and your strength. You may not be able to see it now, but I hope soon you’ll see. I’m putting all of my hugs in the bottomless barrel of hugs for you. The rest of y’all are awesome too. I have tears in my eyes.
Well, I just read the Beginner’s Intro to Hagfish (aka Wikipedia). What extraordinary animals.
Marinerachel: For what it’s worth, I’ve been there. right after I left active duty the first time I was engaged. it ended badly (which is so much of an understatement it’s funny: I don’t have the words to say how bad it was, save that I pretty much stopped eating, etc. It was this breakup which led to my having some pretty ugly thoughts about my ex; the one’s I had some trolls trying to say proved feminists were hypocrites).
It does get better, but that’s not much comfort now. As to the fantasies… that person and I had some very good times (otherwise I’d not have planned to get married to her). She was, in some ways, a wonderful person. In others it turns out she was pretty cold, and somewhat heartless. It was about a year before I was ready to have sex again, much less try for a relationship.
There are moments when (some 20 years later) I still have fantasies about her, or remember the good times, etc. It’s normal. It may never completely pass. Please be a bit gentle with yourself. If you need support, we’re here.
I feel like complete shit.
I’m not flying off the handle in rages or sobbing uncontrollably anymore. I can work. I actually start a new job on Monday, which I guess I should be excited about. I don’t feel any better though. This is my new normal and it’s just awful.
I’m angry but I don’t feel angry. I just hurt. I didn’t spend a year with this man so he could stop having feelings for me and walk away unscathed. I didn’t invest everything in him so I could be left like this. The fact he’s unaffected, even happy to be away from me, infuriates me. I don’t feel anger though. I just fucking hurt. The worst part about this hurt is there’s no resolution to it. This is just how it is. I put in everything. He ended it and lost nothing. He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t want me. There’s no solution. I can’t get my time and effort back. I can’t rid myself of these bad feelings. I can’t make any of it worthwhile either because he doesn’t want to. There is no resolution to this hurt and loss. I’m stuck with it.
Maybe the most painful part is what a fucking fool I am. I held him while he cried, telling me he hadn’t invested what he had in his ex-girlfriend so she could walk away unscathed with a shiny, new life void of him while he hurt profoundly. That is what happened. Now look at what’s happened to my stupid ass.
I didn’t want this relationship to end. I just wanted him to get on board and work with me. He was special and still could be. I can’t help but think if I’d been different he would have been. He saw no potential and I wasn’t sufficiently worthwhile to do that with though. He didn’t even want to try because I had nothing to offer that he wanted.
It’s just such shit. This is apparently what constitutes “getting better”. I’m not unsafe to drive and I can work somewhat effectively. I’m still miserable and there’s no way out of it. That happened. The damage is done and the hurt’s on me. There’s no resolution. My time and my emotions have been invested. My heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped and shit on. He’s not helping with the burden. He doesn’t care.
I can’t even release any of these emotions through forgiveness because this person has no comprehension of the harm they did much less remorse. The best they can do is “I never should have spoken to you” which completely negates everything we shared and how good it was and could have been if they’d made different decisions. Speaking to me isn’t what resulted in this. Speaking to me is what resulted in discovering our potential. The way he conducted himself resulted in this harm.
Hugs if they’re wanted, marinerachel. He wasn’t the person you thought he was. You deserve better.
@marinerachel: you weren’t then, and you are not now, a fool. He’s an abusive arsehole who knew what to do to string you along for a year (or he was so immature he didn’t know what he wanted, which I am inclined to disbelieve as idiots don’t get into med schoo, although emotional fridges do). Criticising yourself is survivor-blaming – can you see that?
The whole horrible experience is on him.
You will pass through this. The pain will lessen over time, as the damage repairs.
I’m not sure why you seem to be pressuring yourself to forgive him. You may get to this stage later, but at the moment please don’t be concerned that you aren’t in a forgiving mood as you’re still in the middle of dealing with the pain. None of us (I hope I can speak for others here) is expecting you to have forgiven him.
You deserve so much better than him. You’re a valuable, intelligent woman. 🙂
I don’t feel like this is getting any better. I feel like I’m on a downward slope. I can maintain my composure at work but I feel sick with grief. At home (I’m still staying with a friend because I’m still uncomfortable alone with my emotions) I go to pieces. During a soccer game last night, I collapsed with my head in my friend’s lap and wept. We went for an hour-long walk to try to tire me, bringing my mood down and letting me fall asleep. I got to sleep but only for a couple hours and woke up sobbing. This is normal for me now, just hurting all the time. I have to keep moving forward though. It’s my job. It just feels like, whatever progress I make, my heart’s still left behind so I can’t appreciate it.
I desperately want to wish him a happy birthday and congratulate him on writing his boards and wish him great luck in his upcoming rotation. I want him to know I care deeply. I miss him so badly. I’ve been missing him for a very long time though, as long as he’s been unhappy and treating me badly. I also know I have to be strong and guard my heart. I can’t open a dialogue with him – I will get hurt further – and I don’t want to give him the impression I’m not in profound pain over what he’s done to me. I want him to know I care though. It would need to be a one-way message but even then I’m worried he’d get the impression that, phew, she’s just fine and I have nothing to worry or feel badly about. I really want him to understand the harm he’s done.
I’m sorry you’re having such a bad downswing, marinerachel 🙁
Hugs and an open ear for whenever you need them, be it now or later.