Just a quick note to let you know that the protest against the AVFM Conference at the Doubletree in Detroit is happening right now. You can check the hashtag #NoMRA on Twitter for live updates. Here’s a Ms Magazine blog piece with more details.
I’ll have some thoughts on it all later.
Photo from @Katie_Speak on Twitter.
He told me his feelings for me (we had our life together planned out so those feelings were pretty extensive) had never been genuine and he’d only tried to convince himself of them because dumping me made him feel sorry for me. He strung me along for a fucking year, telling me he loved me and he wants our kid to have my middle name and how much he misses me when he’s out drinking with friends, knowing he didn’t actually want me all along. He just tried to so as to protect my feelings. What kind of fucking monster does something like that? Who wastes a year of a woman’s life knowing full well they are in love with and intend to spend their life with you?
And now he’s coming after me. I’ve locked down just about all avenues of communication between he and I. I’ve requested administrators of forums we both have accounts on ban or delete mine because he’s already using forum PM systems to get my attention and try to get me to speak to him. I’m very uncomfortable.
marinerachel, Ugh, I don’t know what to say, that’s shitty, all of it. I hope you can get all possible means of communication locked down. The more boundaries you can put up between him and you the better.
I know it’s fucking hard. I got out of a really shitty relationship when I was in grad school and even though it had been shitty it was still really fucking hard being apart from the woman who’d been such a giant part of my life for so long. Even though it was a terrible relationship and she was manipulative, borderline abusive.
As everyone here is saying, it gets better.
What a horrible, horrible excuse for a person, marinerachel. The whole “I never loved you” thing is just blowing my mind. So he’s a liar, is what he’s saying; he was either lying then about loving you, or he’s lying now about never having loved you. And he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend if that means any emotional heavy lifting, but he doesn’t want to let you put any distance between the two of you so that you can actually heal.
Nuts to that guy. Nuts to him and his lying, manipulative, controlling, abusive ways. I wish I actually had that box of rotten compost we were joking about in a thread a couple weeks ago; I think this guy would be a fine recipient.
He’s claiming it wasn’t a lie at the time but it wasn’t real either. Now he’s decided we don’t go so he’s switched off any feelings for me. He says, despite actively seeking out my companionship only last week, that he doesn’t and won’t miss me and experiences no sadness that we didn’t last. He’s completely unmoved. He does not care. I’m supposed to believe he did at a time though.
He just wants something from me, otherwise he WOULD give me that space. He doesnt want to interact with me. he’s just upset that after a year of engaging in emotionally abusive behaviour towards me Im now in the power position and can do whatever i want with those discussion logs. He’s saying he has something to ask me. He can go fuck his hat.
::applauds::
I hope it’s full of dermestid beetles when he does.
marinerachel: Wow, what an asshole he’s being, eh?
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this, and hope it does work out for you, and, by the way, “He can go fuck his hat” is about the funniest thing I’ve read in a week.
This “he can go fuck his hat” anger? It’s good, keep it around.
He sounds like he just wants to keep his nice guy facade intact. Fuck this guy, he lost any consideration when he decided to be an absolute shithead.
What kittehserf said!
marinerachel, I’ve been off line for awhile and just caught up. I know that this doesn’t mean much from someone you could pass on the street and not recognize but you are an amazingly strong person. Realizing when you need someone else to help you is hard enough and the fact that you not only realized but you had the strength to reach out & accept the help shows that you are a fighter. Look for that small point of light in the darkness. It might only be as large as the period at the end of this sentence but with the right help & medication it will grow. There is no set timetable for the pain to stop but keep putting one foot in front of the other & there is no limit to how far you can travel.
As far as your ex is concerned he is a douche on the first degree. Take time to mourn what you thought was to be. Be mad, be sad, rail at the world. As others have said so much better this isn’t about you not being good enough for him, this is about him choosing to not be good enough for you.
Adding more hugs to the barrel as well as assorted kisses from the dog, cuddles from the rodents & for your ex pinches from the hermit crabs.
Fuck that asswipe. He wants to have no emotional investment in you but still have you around in case he ever wants you. Fuck that.
And for the love of God, ask the admins to ban HIM. You have every right to be in those spaces and he has no right to drive you away from them. Also most sites should have a no stalking clause in their TOS.
That wanting to go fuck someone to get an ex out of your head thing? Lots of people feel that way after a breakup. Whether or not you actually do it is up to you, but the impulse makes perfect sense.
The fact that the dude now won’t leave you alone should be yet another reminder that a. he really was an asshole, and b. once you get through this initial post-breakup period you’ll be a lot happier without him.
He’s convinced himself I’m going to send chat logs to his mom or something. That’s the only reason he’s coming after me. He feels anxious and powerless. He’s likely just anxious about the fact he treated me very, very badly for a long time and I have all the power in the world now to make him hurt like he’s been hurting me for the last fourteen-ish months. I confronted him, saying I’ve got nothing to lose and you’ve got everything to gain. You need to be nicer. He consistently denied mistreating me. Unfortunately for him, a friend who is a shrink and my two shrinks vouched for his conduct as abusive and if it hasn’t been then he’s got nothing to feel guilty and worried about coming out. If nothing else, I just want this disaster to be a lesson to him in kindness. If he doesn’t want to treat people kindly, he should do so for fear of losing his career.
He’s not trying to keep me around in case he wants me. He’s been very clear – he can never see us having a future. He could ten weeks ago, begged for me to
work towards it with him. He’s a robot now though. He has no feelings for me except fear.
The initial reason he wanted me around though was to absolve himself of guilt. He wasn’t sad about turfing me and as long as I wasn’t either he didn’t have anything to feel guilty about. He kept shouting “Why can’t you just let us end this nicely?” Because you broke my heart and you’re walking away unscathed! You don’t get to harm people like this without consequences.
Once I nursed him through a breakup that looked like this – one party couldn’t give a fuck while he was despondent. I wept for him. His pain was palpable. I never would have guessed, after witnessing his pain and giving him such strength during that time, that he could become the callous one inflicting such profound harm and feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness on me.
I’m back to weeping, inconsolable. Cried with two different friends already this morning. The exposure and repeat harm inflicted by this man is teaching me to stay away from him. It is not pleasant to learn. He still owns my heart. He says “I don’t want it”. It’s going to be a long time before I can just take it back. I wish it was that easy. I’m still blaming myself, still feeling a perverse sense of hope that everything will be alright. He ruined me. I just want to be angry again.
He’s scared because he doesn’t have control over you anymore. For an abuser, that is their worst nightmare. You’ve proven that not only are you a kind and generous soul, you have an inner core of steel that withstood his abuse and is now helping you determine your life for yourself.
You are right when you say he wanted you to absolve him of his guilt. Now that you’re no longer doing that, he is angry. He views himself as entitled not to have to face the consequences of his actions.
You are such a strong and amazing woman. I envy your ability to see your own needs clearly. Keep up with the self care and surround yourself with people who are on TEAM YOU! (And if you haven’t read Captain Awkward, go to her sight and google ‘team you’)
🙁 ::offers many hugs to marinerachel::
Oh, Marinerachel, you will be (angry again). You’ll be a lot of things before you’re through, but it’s part of getting through. My son’s therapist has a sign on her office wall that applies:
when you’re going through hell, keep going.
Your soul has been badly burned, and the wound is being debrided. In this case, pain itself is part of healing, not further injury. But it still hurts, and that sucks. You are not ruined. You are surviving. If it helps to read the things we’ve been telling you, please do. We all want you to get through this. Remember that – all of us, who haven’t even met you in person, want you to survive, heal and get better.
I just want to prove I’m worthwhile. I want to know in my heart I’m worth something and all this fucking fighting to stay alive is worth it. I don’t want to care what he thinks anymore. I want control over my sense of self-worth. I don’t want it to be dependent on his approval or disapproval.
marinerachel, you will get there. FWIW, I’ve noticed how much stronger you’ve looked in the last few days. It was great to see you out there doing battle in the threads!
Someone close to me died suddenly three weeks ago. For the first several days, I was in denial and what you said reminded me of that feeling. One minute I’d believe his death was real and the next minute my mind would question it. You’re going through a grieving process, too. Those moments of hope will become further and further apart as you work through this.
I’m doing very, very badly the past two days. I think things may continue to progress downward for the next few so I’ll remain at my friend’s place. I think I’m experiencing true realisation now. The denial and hopefulness are subsiding.
I won’t let this debilitate me too greatly though. Even if I have to cry through it, I’m getting out and doing something with someone every day. I’ve told my mom I need a few days before I see her as I am not comfortable discussing relationship details or being emotive around her. I’ve designated Tuesday the day I reach rock bottom. I may stay there for some time but I am going to do everything in my power to prevent my mood from worsening past Tuesday. Then I’ll see my mom.
I’m going to start looking for additional work, something to get excited about and relief from the financial strain I’m having, tomorrow. I’ve also decided to challenge myself academically. I’m in a program I know I can excel in and like right now. I’m tweaking it for September. I’m switching to a program I’m not sure I can excel at but want to. If it doesn’t work out I can’t say I didn’t try and my beloved marine inverts will be waiting for me. This is something I can get excited about and could be excellent for self-esteem building.
Going to be a rough fucking few days. Experiencing a moment of zen. Just trying to ride this for as long as it lasts.
Your self-awareness is amazing.
What are marine inverts?
One of the misters was needling me about protesting MRAs and said I’d be like the red-haired protester in Toronto. I enthusiastically said I’d love to do that (ha) and wondered to myself if I had to guts to get in their faces like she did. I just found out I do.
I took off on foot to 7-11 and noticed what looked like two teens bullying a third one. I kept walking toward them and watching. One was in the lone kid’s face and the other one was across the street just watching. The bully kept advancing and retreating. He started getting really aggressive and from a block away I yelled “HEY” a couple of times until bully boy looked up and saw me. He kept on.
I sped up and was yelling and cussing to no avail. Bully took his jacket off like he was going to fight and that’s when I caught up and got in his face. Fortunately, the kid they were targeting was at the door to his apartment building and he slipped inside, I think. I said to his tormenter, “You’re a bully.” He said, “Do you know who I am? I’m a gang member,” and he flashed a gang sign at me. I nearly bust out laughing. I said, “Ooooo, ooooo, I’m so scared!” I kept staring him down and he finally turned and walked away muttering insults at me.
I can’t believe I did that!!! By the time I reached 7-11 a block away I was shaking like a leaf but I’m okay now.
Auntie Alias — first, my condolences, second, that was bad ass of you! Marine inverts is short for marine invertebrates.
Marinerachel — give it time, and then some more time, and then another helping of time. Sprinkle liberally with “he can go fuck his hat”.
Also, are hagfish vertebrates or not? Wtf is up with them?
Thanks, Argenti.
What are examples? Like shellfish and jellyfish?