Just a quick note to let you know that the protest against the AVFM Conference at the Doubletree in Detroit is happening right now. You can check the hashtag #NoMRA on Twitter for live updates. Here’s a Ms Magazine blog piece with more details.
I’ll have some thoughts on it all later.
Photo from @Katie_Speak on Twitter.
Thing is, though, if it’s a lack of bravery preventing him from being a better person? That’s nobody’s fault but his. That’s not about you, it’s about him, so there’s no reason to feel that his failure to be a better person reflects on you at all.
Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Even if you feel incapable of anger now, at least you understand that it’s okay to feel angry at him. That in itself is progress. You’re on the right track, and if it takes you a while to heal, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You even said it yourself: you said you’re not at the stage of feeling anger yet. That means you are going somewhere, even if it’s gradual.
My health and safety is being managed by a team of pros with the ongoing observations and company of a couple friends.
I just don’t fucking care right now, not about anything, and am still having many thoughts of “Just let me die.” I lack the motivation or interest to take care of my health and safety right now which makes me a danger to myself. For that reason, I’ve decided to pass my care into the hands of others. Right now, nothing matters to me and so I can’t get motivated to care for myself. You’re all telling me it gets better though. I don’t believe it but the rational part of my mind is still sufficiently loud to have convinced me, if I can’t take care of my own health and safety, other people should because sticking around might be the right idea.
I am safe from myself.
You’ll get there, marinerachel. You’ll get to the anger and eventually to the healing. Slow painful process, but you will get there.
You can’t take pleasure in things now but that too will change. You’re aware of good things, like people who do care about you, even if you can’t feel that on an emotional level now. And why would you, right now? You’re going through one hell of a traumatic time. But it will pass. You will recover from this.
marinerachel, see? You’re showing self-awareness and self-care; you know you can’t do it alone, you’re getting help from friends and professionals. That’s a wonderful first step all by itself.
MarineRachel, you don’t need to appreciate our love.
You don’t have to think we’re wonderful; you don’t have to be happy-happy-sunshine all the time. You can be sad, you can be angry, you can be depressed.
Please, though, accept any help you can get. You don’t have to appreciate it, just accept it.
I’m worried for you.
I know it was his choice to take the easy route instead of tackle the issues that hurt me and plagued our relationship. The fact I wasn’t worth the challenge has just ripped me in two though. I gave him all of myself. When push came to shove, he tossed me. He ruined me. I feel like such a fool. He’s taken my ability to be happy or appreciate anything. I literally have nothing to live for right now because my life IS pain. There is nothing else. This is why other people need to fight for me right now. I have no reason to.
I don’t appreciate all the kindness I’m being shown and I am so ashamed of that. I’m so ashamed.
That’s what he thought, but you aren’t worthless. He only saw you in a negative life because he was a selfish asshole. It’s not your fault. You aren’t a fool at all. You are someone who loved someone wholeheartedly and wanted to give all she could and then was hurt in the end by that person because of his abusiveness and his selfishness. His appalling behavior was never your fault, and it never will be your fault.
Please, you don’t need to be ashamed. You don’t have to appreciate everything right now. Just don’t give up.
God, just don’t give up. It may seem like you have nothing to live for, but you do.
I’m fighting for you, and I’ll keep doing so as long as I can.
Not being appreciative is a completely normal feeling for someone in your situation. It’s okay. There is nothing to be ashamed of. What truly matters is not that you give folks here showers of praise and appreciation but that you feel better and recover from your pain. 🙂
What Ally said. Someone expecting you to be appreciative right now would be an asshole move. You’re in pain, you’re getting by day by day. We’ll be here.
Mr Shitbag is the one who should feel ashamed; the so-kind dude who does a Mr Hyde when he’s with someone who cares about him. Fuck him, and his cowardice and manipulation.
Being unable to appreciate help and support is OK. We don’t need you spending your precious energy on appreciating us and neither do your doctors and friends. We know that when you get better, however long that takes, you’ll pay it forward. Right now we want you to take care of you, the best you can. Even and especially if that means letting others take care of you. We don’t want you to be ashamed, you have been worn down. We want you to use that strength on building yourself up, on rebuilding what was injured. We will still be here when you have the capacity to appreciate again. All of us have been the recipient of someone’s support at a time when we couldn’t even thank them – that is why we’re a community. Because no one can do it on their own. You are part of our community and we love you, even if we don’t know you that well. We are helping ourselves by helping you. So don’t worry about appreciation, try not to be ashamed, many of us have been in similar situations and received help. Just focus on you. Feel what you need to feel, sadness, anger, everything you need to grieve. Something that had the capacity to be beautiful has died. It is only natural to need to grieve. There is no right way to grieve. Just do what you need to to take care of yourself in this time. We will be here when you come out the other side.
And like I said, your process of healing might be rocky. Maybe you’ll remain with these strong feelings of self-blame and worthlessness for a long time before you start to feel better. Maybe you’ll start to feel better very soon but then fall back into a miserable mindset. There are many possible paths of recovery you may end up following. But no matter what, you will always be deserving of love, kindness, and support all the way through. Even if you find it difficult to be angry at him, even if you find your recovery process to be slow, and even if after a long time you still have suicidal wishes, you have worth and you deserve to live happily and peacefully. You have proven yourself to be a loving person for others, and so with time, you will learn to love yourself more as well. You have more strength than you realize and even with things as bleak as they seem now, you will get through this.
Seconding what everyone said. Don’t worry about appreciative right now.
That should be framed and hung on the wall, Ally (it’s a bit big for a sampler).
What you are in the process of losing is a dream. A year ago, the dream – that he could grow through whatever was ailing him and develop into the potentially good person and loving partner that was being overwhelmed by his previous relationships and his reaction to them – was a dream worth having. And you did your best to help realise that dream.
One year on. He’s shown that he doesn’t actually want to develop that potential. He wants to be coddled, nurtured and protected from grown-up-ness, including the grown up acknowledgement of our own faults and limitations which requires us to do the best possible to overcome them and to rectify any harm they might do to others. It also requires us to see our partner and our friends and families as real people with the same claims to care and consideration from us as we have for ourselves from them. Him? He doesn’t share your vision of what that would mean for him in a relationship with you. That’s not your fault, never was, never will be.
Let the people around you do all the things you need for now to get physically better. A stronger body will help you to manage your emotions – eventually. For now you can be as sad, angry, bitter, resentful, annoyed as you are while in this state. Let others do the caring that he couldn’t or wouldn’t do and you can’t do just now.
Once you get a bit stronger and able to respond to therapy or whatever, you’ll be able to give yourself the care and attention, time and effort, you deserve to be lavished with that you’ve been deprived of for too long.
Also, consider this, marinerachel. You know all of this advice I (and many others) are sharing with you? It’s all stuff that I wish I could apply to myself, as someone who is extremely self-loathing. But it’s hard. I often feel unappreciative myself of a lot of loving and supportive people in my life. And I hate myself for not being appreciative. But if there’s anything that’s going to hinder my own healing, it’s this unceasing tendency to be harsh on myself. My recovery process is very slow for me, and there are times I feel like I’m on top of the world and times I feel like I deserve to be killed.
But I have faith that things will get better with time, and until things change dramatically, all I can do to make the process more gentle is to reassure myself that I’m not worthless, foolish, or unlovable. Even if my faith dwindles, even if I regress and start to feel worse about myself, and even if I completely lack appreciation for others’ love and support. I don’t know if my perspective helps you in any way, and you are in no way obligated to be like me at all, but I hope that hearing all of the above augments your own perspective to some degree. Recovery is not easy for me, and I’m sure it’s not easy for you, either. But we both have what it takes to make it. 🙂
I am so desperate to talk to him. It’s honest to god desperation I’m feeling. I’m having trouble controlling myself. I know he’ll just hurt me again but I can’t let go. I just can’t let go. I’m desperate. I need his acceptance.
marinerachel, you’ve been giving and giving for so long. You don’t have to earn every moment of love. You don’t have to repay every kindness. It’s okay to take. It’s okay to reject. It’s okay to feel nothing. It’s okay to be who you need to be right now.
You’re getting help. You’re putting one foot in front of the other and taking one breath at a time.That’s enough for anyone on this board right now, I guarantee.
I’m alone for the next hour and a half and it hurts terribly. I can’t escape, can’t get any respite from this horrible, horrible pain. Without any distraction, I have to feel it in it’s entirety. It doesn’t just taint everything else going on in my life. It’s the only thing that exists when I’m alone. I am consumed by it. It’s unbearable. I’m not strong enough for this.
Give it time, marinerachel. This is so, so early. Of course you feel desperate, you want to try again – but you already know it won’t work and he’ll just take the opportunity to hurt you. Not hurt you by accident: he’ll do it deliberately. Listen to your voice reminding you of that. Don’t give that scumbag ammunition.
You’re physically alone but you’re not without friends! We’re here, we’re listening. Talk to us!
Would it help at all to have a distraction? I know you’re not able to enjoy things, but would just the distraction help at all?
It’s okay to grieve, marinerachel – you’ve lost something, and that’s hard. And it’s okay to feel hurt by how he treated you – any human being worth their salt would be hurting after what you’ve been through. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to feel despondent, it’s okay to feel unappreciative. It’s okay. Don’t worry about what you think you should be feeling – what’s important right now is just hanging on to being here to feel, period.
It’s easy to care about yourself and do what’s right for yourself when times are good and you’re happy, but in times like these, it’s the hardest, most courageous thing.
Don’t worry about us. This isn’t about us. Just know we’re here, sending love your way, and that we care about you and are proud of the good, hard choices we’ve seen you make for yourself.
Yes, what kitteh said. You just went through a very harsh ordeal last night. I would honestly be shocked if you could emotionally and physically recover right away after such an ordeal. Especially since you are so hurt right now. Please give yourself some time and be gentle with yourself.