Just a quick note to let you know that the protest against the AVFM Conference at the Doubletree in Detroit is happening right now. You can check the hashtag #NoMRA on Twitter for live updates. Here’s a Ms Magazine blog piece with more details.
I’ll have some thoughts on it all later.
Photo from @Katie_Speak on Twitter.
contrapangloss, could you email me about the care package? I don’t know where you’re located, but it might be more practical to ship from where I am. My email’s vt01h5 at the gmail.
I’m so so so glad you’re okay, marinerachel. You are important, your health and safety is important.
Okay is the wrong word — I’m glad you’ve called the ambulance. My thoughts are with you.
Delurking to add some more hugs to the barrel. Take good care.
Adding hugs and kitty cuddles to the barrel.
@marinerachel – you’ve proven your strength. Whatever that shithead of a man took from you, he didn’t take your sense of self. You are the expert on your own life, so while some of us can empathize, we can’t know exactly what you’re feeling. You are still worthy of love.
Trust yourself. You are worth all the care and love in the world. You called the ambulance – proof that you know what is best for you. We will be here to listen when you need someone to talk to about your journey of healing. We are rooting for you.
My kitty is purring in your direction.
marinerachel I am so glad you are getting the help you need. Keep in mind if you can many of the hospital staff (nurses, volunteers) are very compassionate and truly want to help you. I sure hope you receive great care and if from the doctors the right medication to help stabilize you. Keep us posted because as it is obvious people on this blog care about you and your well being. Virtual hugs.
+1
I hope the hospital is a safe and comfortable place, rachelmarine. We’ll all be here when you’re up for posting again.
I am so fucking angry. All I want to do is forget him and live a good life. Actually, I want him to miss me terribly, get a bunch of therapy, take responsibility for his treatment of me and the harm it’s caused, be genuinely sorry, learn a bunch of coping techniques so he no longer engages in the harmful behaviours he does, tell me he loves me again and treat me right for a change. Knowing that won’t happen though and even if it does (and it already did happen three fucking times and I’m stupid enough to have accepted it) it won’t last, I just want to forget him and improve the parts of my life I have control over. That’s it. He still fucking owns my heart though and has complete control over me. This is why I’m being admitted to a fucking psych unit. He literally exerts so much control over me that without him, I’ve lost the ability to exist autonomously. I hate him for that. I hate him but all I fucking want is his acceptance. He’s poisoned me and every aspect of my life. Now I can’t live without him.
I want to scream at him and make him hurt. If he knew what I was going through though he’d just take it as an indication I’m the one with the problem and he was right to run away. I won’t give him that. I already let him see me hurt. He used it against me. I refuse to show ANY of my pain to him ever again.
Today’s big step has been eating 300 calories in apple sauce. This was to enable me to take my meds which need something to bind to in my stomach and small intestine. I feel bloated and pukey. I’m being pumped full of antiemetics and asked to focus on my breathing and avoid movement until the nausea passes.
I know, because I’ve been unable to eat and take my meds for days, a huge dip in my already low mood is on the horizon that I’m not prepared for and I feel sick thinking about how I’m going to weather that storm. For now, all there is for me is lithium to augment the meds I’m on and sedatives should I become dangerous.
Marinerachel, we’re here for you.
Vent all you like, and if you want David to take any of it down later, I’m sure he can work it out. If you want to vent in private, you can always shoot me an email.
Glad you’ve managed to get some applesauce down, and you’re doing the right thing.
If you ever need anything that I can give, email me.
Oooo hon, good to see you post again, and good to see you expressing more thoughts too.
I’m pleased you’ve been able to eat. 🙂
You’re able to articulate your thoughts and feelings really well, which is a great sign for being able to work with your therapist.
Please don’t pressure yourself into the “you musts” (or “you must nots”, like “you must not let him see you hurt again”). These are called the “musturbations”, and they can be a cause of huge stress. Honey, you have enough stress at the moment without setting really high bars for your behaviour. Please be kind to yourself – you wouldn’t think less of anyone else who might fail this threshold, why then hold yourself to a higher standard?
Try not to worry about what might happen, and focus on the now. Do you have any fun things you can do (like read a good book, watch some great movies)?
marinerachel — ALL THE HUGS!! You deserve lots of things the ass who left you won’t give you, but forget about him, more importantly, you deserve to be safe, and healthy, and to feel like you matter. Because you do. You matter enough to us that David got the RCMP to you, you matter enough to your ex that he was willing to co-parent, you matter to the friend who you were/are staying with. And you’ll matter to that cat that titianblue wants you to get when you can.
Contrapangloss — my email is my nym at gmail, but idk if working out the details of my idea requires it, since I’m thinking that the simple things that require a shopping trip that she might not be up for might be a good idea — toilet paper, tissues, tea once she can stomach it, things like that.
David — you are made of awesome, thank you.
Everyone — you’re also awesome, as Robert said, THIS is what a human rights movement looks like!
Time to get my backside in gear, if the little guy will play along, I’ll try getting Puff video to add to the barrel of hugs.
This might sound funny but I’m glad to hear you say this. You should be angry at that guy because he is a selfish dickwad and it is much better for you to be angry at him, because he deserves it, rather than at yourself, because you don’t.
And to back up katz, anger is an appropriate emotional response. How dare he be such a horrible person. 🙂
*Hugs for marinerachel*
@marinerachel
You have already taken the first step of understanding that he is a horrible person for treating you that way. Now you can start to heal emotionally. Please keep in mind that you are not inferior or worthless if you ever find your process of healing to be difficult and full of rocks. Healing isn’t easy for everyone, and that’s okay. I know that you will heal eventually, no matter how long it may take for you, because you have already shown yourself to be strong.
I understand you are going through a lot of pain, but the fact that you feel angry at him is very important, and I’m glad that you feel that your anger is valid. Also important is the fact that you realize that you deserve to live a peaceful life on your own terms alone without his control and influence. Those things are important because they suggest that you have what it takes to take back control in your life. It’s possible that even after healing significantly you will still feel hurt by him, and that’s also okay. But I think at that point you will be able to cope well and feel at peace, knowing that a painful part of your life has passed.
Until then, please prioritize your self-care. Try your best to be gentle with yourself, and even if you can’t say nice things to yourself, you can at least do nice things for yourself.
If you need extra rest in the day, go ahead and rest. If you feel that it would help if you drank some tea (or anything similar) to make yourself feel better, then go ahead and make some tea. (I’ve tried kava kava tea before and it really does wonders for anxiety and mood issues – just a suggestion.)
You have done so much in trying to do everything for that man and have received nothing but pain in return, so now I suggest it’s time that you do everything for yourself. You aren’t hurting yourself or anyone else by being nicer to yourself more. I’m sorry if my comment is all incoherent and badly written, but I hope I was clear.
Just posting so I can check the notify me box, please ignore this message!
I’ll do that, too.
Alright everyone. Reformatted my email a bit.
If you want in on the “Mammotheer’s Care Package for Marinerachel”, email me at contrapangloss(at)hotmail. Even if all you can do is send ideas of what you’d like to send if you could, or just keep updated on our evil ways, feel free to email me and I’ll add you to the list.
If you want to keep updated, but don’t want your emaiil to be on the big list, tell me in your email and I’ll keep you separate and updated.
Marinerachel, I’m keeping all your info private between me and you, until you tell me otherwise, yourself. We want to help you and are doing this because you are worth it, to us.
Please keep us updated, and please email me with any questions you have. You also have my number, and you should feel free to call at any time. It’s a cell, and it’d be international, but if you need to, call.
All our hugs, and all our prayers, and all our love, to you.
marinerachel: All the hugs. I’m glad you’re safe right now.
Ally and katz have said these things better than I can. But I think it’s important and worth repeating:
Ally said:
Please be as kind to yourself as you are able! From what you wrote, it seemed like you put a lot of kindness and nurturing into him. You deserve to have just as much kindness and nurturing, from yourself and from others.
katz said:
This too! He was an asshole and your anger is completely legitimate and healthy!
I hope your nausea goes away soon. More hugs.
Good idea Argenti, doing this as well.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this, marinerachel, all the hugs. I’m glad you’re getting help.
The fake death threats against the conference dosent seem so fake now. Does it?
What are you blathering on about Anand? Go away, you shit.
Anand, now is not the time, and not the thread for this stuff.
I have heard of no news stories saying the protests were anything more dangerous than just noisy.
If you want to discuss this, could you move to a more active thread?
David? Could we make this thread a no-trolls zone?
Anand? Seriously? This is not the thread to be doing this in right now. Stop it.