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Anti-AVFM Conference protest happening now in Detroit; see Twitter hashtag #NoMRA for updates [No Troll thread]

Protesters head to the Doubletree
Protesters head to the Doubletree

Just a quick note to let you know that the protest against the AVFM Conference at the Doubletree in Detroit is happening right now. You can check the hashtag #NoMRA on Twitter for live updates. Here’s a Ms Magazine blog piece with more details.

I’ll have some thoughts on it all later.

Photo from @Katie_Speak on Twitter.

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pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

Hmm… not a chocolate fan, except Reese’s. Now I crave Dutch butter cookies.

kittehserf
7 years ago

They do sound good. Like Mint Slices but with less chocolate.

marinerachel, what everyone’s said. This is the fourth time, the fourth, he’s done this to you – you’ve zero reason to think he’s ever going to change.

The person you think he could be doesn’t exist, and never will. It’s an imagining of his good traits without any of the bad ones. It’s not who he is. You can’t change him, you can’t make him want to change – and he patently doesn’t want to change himself. He’s invested in being a controlling shit and validating himself by putting you down. He’s not right for you or anyone (though I can think of some MRAs who deserve him – two of a kind).

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Hmm…*chews* crunchy, almost like cereal or a cracker, but the only real flavor you can taste is the chocolate. A bit like crunchy chocolate I guess? The mouth feel of a crunchy cracker, but the flavor of chocolate.

katz
7 years ago

Mint Brussels are really nice. I love the crunch. An excellent cookie recommendation.

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

He could be the right person for me. It is in him. He choses not to be. That’s so much worse than incompatibility. He has absolute control over whether or not he is a good person, whether he harms others, and he chooses to do harm. That’s abhorrent.

He tried to absolve himself of guilt in a defensive fit, saying I was projecting my unhappiness with the dude I dated previously and that he himself hadn’t done a thing wrong aside from hurt my feelings by dumping me. In his honest moments when he’s feeling really down on himself, he’s in a ball, weeping, describing himself as emotionally abusive. Now that he’s angry, in defensive mode he’s denying the truth he himself has spoken.

The guy I dated before him was a shit. He was honest with me and himself though. He never gave me any real hope. While I didn’t deserve it, getting hurt was the natural consequence of engaging with a dude who fully disclosed to me that he would never give me what I needed, that we didnt want the same things and if we were going to be together it would be on his terms and I would have to settle. Yeah, I was sad and angry for a long time after that. I was nowhere near as hurt as I am by this one though. This one gave me immense hope and every reason to believe we were on the same page, wanted the same things, were determined to reach our shared goals together. I invested my everything in him. Then he just fucking quit. That, I don’t know if I can ever forgive. It’s tremendously bad behaviour and far more harmful than anything Mr. Assface who came before him (and he was an assface) did to me.

kittehserf
7 years ago

He could be the right person for me. It is in him. He choses not to be. That’s so much worse than incompatibility. He has absolute control over whether or not he is a good person, whether he harms others, and he chooses to do harm. That’s abhorrent

His choice not to be is the thing. I think the “could” sounds vanishingly small, because he’s not interested; he is interested in lying and hurting you.

You don’t need to think about forgiveness. If you feel that way sometime eventually, if it comes naturally, then fine, but right now? No way, you’re barely days into the process of getting away from Gobshite McSnotface and caring for yourself and getting help.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

It looks like you’re making some progress towards putting the responsibility for his behavior on him. That’s a really good step.

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

He tried to absolve himself of guilt in a defensive fit, saying I was projecting my unhappiness with the dude I dated previously and that he himself hadn’t done a thing wrong aside from hurt my feelings by dumping me. In his honest moments when he’s feeling really down on himself, he’s in a ball, weeping, describing himself as emotionally abusive. Now that he’s angry, in defensive mode he’s denying the truth he himself has spoken.

Oh, he’s having a pity party for himself and inviting you to it. This is all part of the abuse cycle. All this behaviour is pulling your attention back onto him. He’s not being honest, because that would actually entail him seriously addressing his fucking abuse behaviours, and he’s not interested in doing that.

Honey, you need to invest your attention into you, to heal.

He doesn’t deserve you.

wewereemergencies
wewereemergencies
7 years ago

@marinerachel, yes. He *chose* not to be the person to make you happy. He has done over and over again and tbh I don’t think he’ll ever make a different choice. Believe that choice. Believe what he’s said. He’s made his decision, and that decision proves beyond a doubt he is not the one for you. This is the only thing he’s said you should believe. He is not your happy ending. *You* are your happy ending. Please, please focus on yourself and what you need right now. He has chosen to disassociate himself from your life. He has chosen to be something you leave behind. It’s the only good choice he’s made. You deserve so much better.

katz
7 years ago

I sense that this guy is going to pull that sort of line all the goddamn time. I agree with everyone else who says that this is marinerachel time, not marinerachel’s stupid ex time. Try to eat, try to sleep, go to your psych appointment, and don’t worry about everything else.

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

One bit of funny: in his threatened, defensive, bravado-laden tantrums he’d say dreadful, awful things, none of which he meant, all of which were immature and stupid face-saving bullshit. He’s a super insecure guy who feels threatened when he gets challenged and therefore tries to intimidate. One attempt was he was going to unlawfully confine me in order to engage in social justice vigilantism which I had, obvs, told him I would inform the police of to prevent. Unless I’m unlawfully confined! Buh-ZING! Obviously, I had a few friends read that discussion over to determine whether it was something for me to be concerned about or just stupid, insecure blustering.

He’s very paranoid (part of being pitifully insecure) and was certain people would RUIN HIS CAREER/LIFE by lying about him. I drew attention to the fact they didnt have to lie – he had actually said some fucking heinous things, regardless of their sincerity, that constituted threats so maybe he should treat people a little better in order to cover his own ass. I had the discussion logs. He interpreted that as I was going to do so which is fucking ridiculous. The whole point of the matter was he DOES say monstrous things that he could be held legally accountable for but he WON’T because I know he doesn’t have it in him to follow through with these threats – he’s just an insecure child having a tantrum – and I’m a fucking saint who would take no pleasure in ruining his life, which he should be goddamn appreciative for but not count on from anyone else. All I’d have to do to compromise his personal life and education would be send discussion logs to his mom and medical school and “dox” him as it were. The whole point was not everyone is as kind as I so he should watch what he fucking says, even if he doesn’t care about the harm he causes.

Yes, I’m in love with the person whose left when you strip away all the bullshit. No, I couldn’t fucking bear another minute of his behaviour. I literally lived in constant fear of making some stupid mistake that he would respond to irrationally, reactionarily and dump me over. I’m devastated because I have so much hope for him and I know and love the person deep inside. He doesn’t want to be that person though and the person he’s letting himself become doesn’t want me. I don’t want a miserable, insecure, childish, avoidant quitter and coward either. I want the genuine him. If that’s not available to me, I want nothing.

If I had any reason to believe his threats had substance I’d pass them onto authorities. I know they don’t though and I don’t feel his maltreatment of me warrants attempting to ruin his life over. I’m not vindictive or reactionary or irrational. Doing so would only serve to reinforce his paranoia. He’s still got a chance to learn and be a great person and doctor because all the raw materials are there. He just needs to strip away the bullshit.

wewereemergencies
wewereemergencies
7 years ago

Damn straight you don’t want his stupid marinerachel! And from the sounds of it you ARE a saint. Get mad! Get so mad! Do whatever you need to put him behind you.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

I’m not so sure there’s a good person underneath that’s the real him. As Maya Angelou said; when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

He’s showed you who he is. He’s been manipulative and made threats. He’s abusive. That is who he is. There’s no guarantee there’s a nice person underneath. I think he just displayed a nice façade to draw you in.

Someone who threatens to detain you against your will is simply not a good person. There’s no potential. None. It feels like you’re taking baby steps to realizing that and that’s promising. If you ever need confirmation of that, we’re here to give it you.

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

Honey,

One bit of funny: in his threatened, defensive, bravado-laden tantrums he’d say dreadful, awful things, none of which he meant, all of which were immature and stupid face-saving bullshit.

Tough love here: how do you know he didn’t mean those dreadful, awful things?

Possible answer 1: because he said he didn’t, later, after he calmed down. I call BS against that answer because it means he can be as horrible as he likes, lose his temper as much as he likes, and then everything gets to be okay for him afterwards “because he didn’t mean it”. How convenient for him.

Possible answer 2: because deep down he’s this really nice guy and so clearly he didn’t mean those things he said in anger. I call BS against this answer because he’s a fucking abuser and abusers do this shit.

Honey, you’re excusing his behaviour. This means that you’re prioritising him over you. He’s not worth that. You’re worth more than a billion hims.

Tantrums? What is he, two years old?

titianblue
titianblue
7 years ago

Marienrachel, woke up this morning thinking hoorah, it’s Wednesday morning. Here’s hoping you got some sleep overnight and that your appointment goes really well.

girlscientist
girlscientist
7 years ago

@marinerachel:

Yes, I’m in love with the person whose left when you strip away all the bullshit.

The problem is… he won’t leave the bullshit behind. You’ve given him a choice, several times, between you and his bullshit. He’s chosen his bullshit every single time. Maybe it would be best for both of you if you listened to him and respected that choice?

kittehserf
7 years ago

marinerachel, think of this: even if he wasn’t an abuser – and he is, there’s no question of it – the fact remains he’s chosen to end the relationship. How often do we say here that people have to take NO for an answer, whether it’s about sex or body contact or being in a relationship? He’s opted out, that’s it, end.

But he is an abuser. Everything you’ve told us shows he’s a liar and completely self-centred. I don’t believe for a minute he was Mr Wonderful in his previous relationships: the “he was a father to her” one sounds downright skeevy, as well as impossible from someone who throws tantrums, lies, and treated you like dirt.

You fell for the sweet face abusers are so careful to show their prey; that’s the way it works. It’s no reflection on you. On the contrary, it demonstrates what an untrustworthy piece of shit he is, and how much better off you are without him playing his fucking mind games with you. You’re away from him: you’ve got people looking out for you, and there to start unpicking the knots he’s put into your mind. It’ll take time, it’ll be painful, but you can do it.

As for him – let him be miserable, it’s all he fucking deserves for what he’s done, and since he’s no desire to heal … *shrug*. You’ll eventually get to the point of that phrase: the best revenge is a life well lived. Doesn’t feel like it, I know, but you will. You’ve had strength enough to deal with a heap o’ shit already. Now you’ve got help, you can do it.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

I think the funny part was how easily she could ruin his life if so inclined, and that he doesn’t realize, or appreciate, that.

But then, I could’ve done the same to my gaslighting narcissist ex.

Which puts you about three months ahead of where I was after him, marinerachel! And a nicer person, because I seriously considered doing it.

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
7 years ago

marinerachel, there might be a good man underneath all that BS. But, wow, would you have to move a lot of manure to get there. Thank goodness you’re no longer in charge of mucking out his stable. I’m proud of you for realizing that you deserved better and asking him to grab his own shovel and pitch in. That he wants to live in filth is on him. Even if it is hard for you to watch him wallow when you know he’s capable of cleaning up after himself.

Hope your appointment is going well this morning, and that eating and sleeping have maybe gotten a tiny bit easier.

Hugs if you want them 🙂

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

There are certain things I won’t accept from him and perhaps in time I’ll be able to but not right now. I refuse to let him go forward maintaining certain beliefs. No, dumping me because I’m not trustworthy was not reasonable. I was always and am to this day honest with him. Completely so. His lack of trust in me was his problem. I’m sure I made mistakes in the relationship that made it more difficult for him to trust me but they were out of ignorance. Ultimately, he didn’t give me a chance because he never cared about me that much. I won’t accept his lie that I wasn’t trustworthy so him chucking me was wise. It’s just an excuse to take the easy way out. That’s his right, of course, but the lie he’s based his decision upon is not something I will hear.

I also won’t accept that he was good to me and I’m just upset with the guy who came before him. Fuck that noise. It’s bullshit. It completely dismisses everything I gave him and all the harm he did. I will hold him responsible. I cant make him take responsibility but I won’t let him make me feel as though I’m at fault. I’m going to keep telling myself that until I’m sufficiently angry that the thought of being in his presence infuriates me.

Another is that I manipulated him into unprotected sex. I didn’t make him do anything. We spoke about it for six months before making it happen at which point I agreed to vaginal contraceptive film or putting on a condom at the tail end or pulling out. He chose to trust me and was right to. Ultimately, the IUD ruined any possibility of me carrying a pregnancy and I never would have been capable of keeping the pregnancy if it had been an option. There was a moment at which point I begged him to agree to let me have it and waive his parental rights so he would stop hurting me and let me have this one thing. I was speaking out of grief and loss though. I would have done the math and concluded doing so was wrong for me and everyone else in the equation.

Maybe in time I’ll be able to accept that he blames me for all kinds of things I’m not responsible for but right now I refuse to hear these excuses. I need to hold him responsible and refuse to let him blame me for his choices. I’m not sure putting the blame where it belongs serves any real purpose beyond unburdening me. Until he’s being honest with himself he won’t accept the validity of anything I say and will just continue in his cycle of abusive behaviour. I feel this is the one last thing I have to do to clear my own conscience though – put the blame back where it belongs and not give him the opportunity to talk back. I will be heard. It won’t stop the hurt. I do think it will give me some relief though.

You’re all right – no means no and he’s done with me. He’s chosen the low road over putting in the hard work to improve himself and make the relationship we had viable and bountiful. He says we can’t be involved romantically. I say we can’t be friends after the harm he’s done and refuses to take responsibility or show remorse for. He’s accepted my position. He does not care. I have to accept his. In time I’ll be glad I’m not with someone who doesn’t want me.

I woke up feeling like complete fucking shit. This is why I didn’t want to go to bed last night – I was experiencing my first breath of emotional relief. I hadn’t stopped hurting – after all I’ve still been wronged in a big way very recently – but I had it in check. He didn’t have control over me. That’s gone now. I’m back to being despondent. Glad I’m seeing the shrink today.

girlscientist
girlscientist
7 years ago

@marinerachel: *hugs*

You’re a smart, mature, kind and trustworthy person. Feeling despondent is normal in the circumstances, even though it sucks, and everyone here understands that you’d rather do anything than go through all these emotions. But right now is the worst you’re going to feel. It’s all up from here.

Good luck with your appointment! I keep my fingers crossed for you, and I hope it will help.

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

Yeah, definitely a bad morning. I only got four-ish hours sleep. A friend I’m staying with saw that I was awake, crawled into my bed and is now cuddling me so hard I can’t get out. They’re ensuring I get more sleep this way. They know I won’t recover without it.

I don’t want to think about how much worse things would be if I were alone. My friend isn’t taking any of the hurt away. They’re not letting me drown in it though. I’m very fortunate.

girlscientist
girlscientist
7 years ago

Oh my Gosh, cuddling! Try to enjoy it as much as possible.

Also, yay to four hours of sleep! That’s better than yesterday, isn’t it?

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
7 years ago

I’m glad you have such a good friend IRL, marinerachel.

I’m intrigued in your ex’s insistence that you’re projecting the Ghost of Bad Boyfriend past onto him. That seems to me to be what he’s done to you – insist that his pain was too great to ever trust again, even though you’re a completely different person from his past girlfriends. It doesn’t seem fair. He gets to blame you for his trust issues, but if you have relationship concerns they’re unresolved issues from the past and not his problems.

Yuck. Once again, I’m glad that you’re working so hard on emotionally moving away from that mess of a man. And I’m kind of concerned that this same mess is going to be a doctor :/

girlscientist
girlscientist
7 years ago

What Flying Mouse says!

Robert
Robert
7 years ago

Sleep is good. More sleep is better.

My husband jokes that my go-to advice is ‘get more sleep, drink more water ‘. Well, you may still have the problem, but you’re rested and hydrated.

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

Brushing my teeth and going to my appointment now.

I thought I was ready to go back to work today. I’m not. I imagine this appointment will beat the hell out of me too. I’ll probably come back to my friends’ place and go back to sleep. I am weak.

Ally S
7 years ago

I’m glad you have such a nice friend looking out for you like that. You can’t go wrong with cuddling.

Good luck with your appointment!

girlscientist
girlscientist
7 years ago

@marinerachel: Therapy appointment can be exhausting even when you’re properly fed and well-rested and not reeling frim trauma. Do what’s best for you and only go back to work when you feel ready for it. You don’t want to make any fatigue-induced mistakes!

fauxmy
7 years ago

@marinerachel

i am glad to hear that you are going to your psych appointment. your first priority right now has to be YOU. along those lines, i would also suggest a follow-up appointment with the womens clinic that removed your IUD. follow up care after a miscarriage is just as important as continuing psych care. there are dire consequences to an incomplete miscarriage and this possibility needs to be ruled out by a medical professional. i mention this only as a voice of sad experience and not to alarm. it is important.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Marinerachel — you may feel despondent, but you sound like a strong woman who’s seeing him for the ass he was. Somewhere around “I will be heard”, I wanted to give you an honest to goodness “you go girl!” standing ovation.

So go to your appt (you probably have already!), go back to your friend’s, and soak up the cuddles, you deserve ’em!

Ally S
7 years ago

Hey, how did your appointment go, marinerachel? (If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, too.)

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

I’m a little perturbed, not because it was bad – it wasn’t – but because today’s shrink seemed to have a very different take than the shrink I met in emergency the other day, who I fell in love with. The shrink in emerge was unimpressed with my meds. Today’s shrink thought they were pretty good but bumped up the dosage on one. The shrink in emerge thought I needed DBT. The shrink today thought I needed CBT. The shrink in emerge told me “You need counselling”. The shrink today asked me “What would you like me to do for you?” I really wanted to be told what I needed, not asked. I’m at a complete loss.

Anyways, he gave me a new dosage of my meds, saying he’d like to exhaust the possibilities with the drugs I’m on before trying something else. I completely agree. I started them today. I’ll see him again in three weeks by which point a therapy plan should be in place with a colleague of his. I’m really looking forward to letting down my guard and falling into a million pieces with someone who is used to and qualified to deal with people in that state. Coping is hard.

I feel terrible. I miss him and I’m so hurt by him. He treated me so badly so often and I gave him everything. The rejection is just killing me. Trying to suppress it for the time being and let myself experience and process the emotions in a healthy fashion. I really don’t know how though.

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

Honey, this is where you need to believe that It. Isn’t. You. It. Is. Him.

There is nothing broken or wrong with you to a level* that you “brought on”, or “deserved” this treatment.

The pain you are experiencing, at least some/most of it, is what all feeling people feel when this type of shitty thing happens. It fucking hurts. It will pass, although it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

The fact that you were so nice to him and he was such a shit to you says that you are a nice person. Who deserves way better than him. It also says that he’s a shit, and other comments you have written strongly suggest he is an abuser.

You soooooooooooo don’t deserve this. I hope you start feeling better soon.

*I think all of us are flawed in some way, hopefully in little ways like can’t make souffle, or mispronounces some big words. But no-one’s perfect. That is all that I mean by this bit.

girlscientist
girlscientist
7 years ago

@marinerachel: the hurt and the missing part sucks, but slowly you’re going to stabilize and you’ll feel less terrible. The trick is to be as kind to yourself as you can and to let your friends be there for you. Honestly, I think you’re doing great.

I’m glad to hear that your appointment went okay. Your therapist seems to be level-headed and cautious. Maybe staying on the same meds for the time being is not a bad idea: you don’t need the adjustment to new meds on top of everything else!

*hugs*

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

I’m back at the doctor’s tomorrow for another look at my uterus. There was a LOT of blood pooling in it last we checked and I spent two days bleeding heavily and cramping something awful. Today I physically feel good. Feel like complete fucking shit otherwise but, physically, feel good.

One poignant question the psychiatrist asked me today was “What do you do for fun” to which I said “Nothing, really”. How sad. He asked what I’d like to do for fun. I told him spend more time outside and in/on the water. He asked if I did so often. I said no. He asked why. That’s a good fucking question. Why DON’T I do the things that bring me joy anymore? Why did I stop playing music in my late teens? Why don’t I dance anymore when I’m so good at it? Why am I not working with kids in a summer camp? Why don’t I befriend neighbourhood cats?

Right now the answer is “Because I can’t enjoy anything”. Seriously, food is my one true love and eating it has now become a chore. Nothing else brings me any satisfaction or happiness. I literally take pleasure in and appreciate nothing. I just spend all day hurting. He’s stolen the ability to be happy from me. I hate him for that.

Even when my mood was a little better though I didn’t do things that contributed to my happiness. I just did work and gym and relationship and occasionally time with a friend. That’s not good. I’ve really neglected my duty to self-care. No wonder, once I got dumped, I was in a pit of misery. I have nothing else. I literally gave him everything aside from the teensy amount of time I spent with friends and the time required to eat and exercise.

My biggest problem right now is I have virtually no friends. If I desperately need companionship as I do now and one of them is sick and one of them’s at work, I’m SOL. That’s the position I’m in right now. One’s working and the other’s got a migraine and asked me to check in later so I’m left here all alone with my feels and I’m spinning the fuck out, digging myself deeper into this pit of despair. This is why I can’t be alone right now. This is why I can’t just take myself out for a walk to alleviate some of the distress. I need to be psychologically engaged in order to escape this fucking hole I’m stuck in.

I need friends who want to share in experiences with me. I don’t know how to make them. This is awful.

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

You identified some activities that you enjoyed in the past. At least some of them sound social (dancing, working at summer camp), and some others could be modified into being social (if you like reading, is there a book club near you, are there any baking/cooking classes you could take)?

It’s a lot easier to make new friends with people who have similar interests.

I’ve made all my recent friends through playing Ingress on my android phone (be enlightened! :)) https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.nianticproject.ingress and we’re about to have a cross-faction dinner on Friday. We also have faction and cross-faction pub meet-ups.

One online thing I have been introduced to is http://www.meetup.com/ which is useful for people organising club gatherings, and a way of finding out what groups there are around you.

Good luck for what you decide to do. 🙂

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

God, I feel so weak. I did something stupid and reached out to him, letting him hurt me again when I felt this way yesterday. Suppressing my emotions isn’t working.

pallygirl
pallygirl
7 years ago

Hey hon, don’t suppress your emotions, they’re yours, let them out and own them. 🙂

Do you feel that you can work through your emotions without reaching out to him?

Is your physical health, e.g. the bleeding, okay now?

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

My physical health is excellent.

I don’t feel I can bear my emotions anymore. I feel like I’m going to explode without his love and approval. I’m still stuck on convincing him how wrong he is about me, how good I am. I don’t even care how badly he treated me so much of the time right now. I don’t care. I just want him. I want him to know he’s wrong about me, I am trustworthy, he can love me.

I can’t believe how worthless I feel without him, how wrapped up in his approval my self-esteem is. Were I in a good headspace I would run, run away from him knowing he’d just harm me again and realise I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me but not now.

I’m managing for the time being with exercise and food. I’ve put my friend on alert though that I’ve had a big meltdown this evening and have concerns my mood is progressing in the wrong direction and I may need to go back to emerge tonight.

kittehserf
7 years ago

I feel like I’m going to explode without his love and approval.

But you never had it, did you? You invested a year of your life with that bloke, who’s nothing but an emotional scammer. You never got anything good back from him. He deliberately put you into this dependent state of mind. You’ve had a year of this and you haven’t exploded yet. There’s no reason to think you will. However it came about, you are away from him.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Ouff. I have to go afk for a bit, my hips are aching.

Ann Somerville
7 years ago

“I feel like I’m going to explode without his love and approval.”

Kiddo, three words from someone who’s been there and done that.

It. Gets. Better.

No matter how bad you feel, and I know you feel just awful, in six months – no, in a month even – you will feel better. Life will be better.

You’ve just got rid of an emotional vampire, and you’re weak from emotional bloodloss (and the real thing too, maybe.) But your heart will heal. You WILL NOT hurt like this forever. We’re not designed that way.

So hold onto that. And also hold onto this – men like him aren’t accidental. They work at being manipulative shitheads and attracting the best so they can drag them down. You were a victim of a practised deception. So run away, even if there’s nothing to run to, apparently. A burglary victim doesn’t hang around a burglar. He stole your happiness (temporarily) and your confidence (temporarily). Don’t hang around. It’ll hurt, but it hurts anyway, and getting away is healthy.

“realise I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me”

You do. You will. This relationship does not define you or your future. Many women have been with arsewipes. And many of us are not with arsewipes now.

It gets better. Believe it. I’ve lived a long and turbulent life, with abusive parents, abusive partners, men who’ve lied and manipulated and dominated. Even one guy who tried to get me sectioned (locked up for being insane) because I fought back against his abuse.

And I’m fifty one, and sane (most days 😉 ), and happy. And I am absolutely nothing special.

You will survive. You are surviving. You are not weak. And in a very short time, you will feel a lot better than you do now. Think of it as a bad case of the flu. The flu goes away, and so does heartache caused by shithead blokes.

Hugs to you.

girlscientist
girlscientist
7 years ago

@marinerachel: I read the posts you made last night, and I hope that you’re okay.
You’re a good, kind and trustworthy person, and he knows this. Guys like that choose their partners for what they can do for them. He spent the whole year gaslighting you to believe you’re not worthy so he could stay on top and control you.

Next time your mood goes out of control and you feel like you need to convince him of your goodness (and I can understand why you want this, because you’ve spent so much time loving him) you can tell yourself thaytche already knows. And it made no difference.

I’m glad your therapist had you thinking about you for a bit! I hope you get to do all the things you enjoy doing soon. Maybe you could start now! Even if you’re in a terrible state, doing things that normally bring you joy can help break the anhedonia.
*hugs*

katz
7 years ago

One poignant question the psychiatrist asked me today was “What do you do for fun” to which I said “Nothing, really”. How sad. He asked what I’d like to do for fun. I told him spend more time outside and in/on the water. He asked if I did so often. I said no. He asked why. That’s a good fucking question. Why DON’T I do the things that bring me joy anymore? Why did I stop playing music in my late teens? Why don’t I dance anymore when I’m so good at it? Why am I not working with kids in a summer camp? Why don’t I befriend neighbourhood cats?

Right now the answer is “Because I can’t enjoy anything”. Seriously, food is my one true love and eating it has now become a chore. Nothing else brings me any satisfaction or happiness. I literally take pleasure in and appreciate nothing. I just spend all day hurting. He’s stolen the ability to be happy from me. I hate him for that.

I just want to say that you are not stupid, ungrateful, or perverse for feeling this way.

Motley contributed the following, which I do not think is very helpful, but she worked hard on:

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kittehserf
7 years ago

The Furrinati have communicated!

Some sects do speaking in tongues. We get typing in paws. 🙂

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
7 years ago

My cat’s new thing is to stand up on her hind legs and put her front paws on the keyboard tray while I’m at the computer, at which point I’m supposed to stop and pet her. She has an uncanny ability to know when I’m busy with something, and times her interruptions accordingly.

marinerachel
marinerachel
7 years ago

I experienced a ferret running across the keyboard, leaving this message on the screen: “HUG!” Capitals and exclamation mark and everything.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Awwww!

They do know how to be adorably evil. Or adorably annoying, at least.

Mads just comes and insinuates her tail around my ankles when I’m at the computer. It’s her morning routine: interrupt me, wind around under the tables, fling herself on the floor to have her belly tickled, complain about having her belly tickled, run away, rinse and repeat.