A Voice for Men founder Paul Elam is so full of it on virtually every subject he opines about – from domestic violence to women’s spending habits – that much of what he writes might be best classified as fiction. He would no doubt disagree, but then again he’s not big on self-awareness.
But in addition to writing much inadvertent or unadmitted fiction, Elam has also tried his hand at fiction of the more traditional sort. I ran across one of his short stories the other day, and I’d like to share it with you, because it is quite possibly the most revealing piece I’ve writing I’ve ever seen from him.
As fiction, it is, of course, terrible, written in a clunky, melodramatic style one can only describe, with a shudder, as highly Paul Elam-esque. Elam doesn’t exactly have the skills or the subtlety to create an even vaguely believable fictional world. The story is essentially a polemic in story form – an extended argument justifying domestic violence against women.
No, really.
The story is called “Anger Management,” and it ran in something called “The Oddville Press,” an online journal. A copy of the issue with Elam’s story in it is available through Google books.
As Elam explains in his intro, the story is based on the nearly twenty years he claims to have been a drug and alcohol counselor. He notes that domestic violence was a recurring issue with those he counseled, but then goes on to say that “sometimes the stories were not as predictable or stereotypical as what people hear about.”
The story he tells, which takes place in some sort of court-ordered Domestic Violence treatment group, purports to be one of these less-stereotypical tales.
In the story, a domestic abuser named Howard Franks reluctantly opens up to the group about the domestic violence incident that landed him in jail, and which is now forcing him to attend the group.
His is a story that could have been ripped from the headlines – of A Voice for Men.
For Howard, you see, had been living a blameless and seemingly perfect life until six weeks earlier. He was happily married, with two wonderful daughters, and a thriving business. Then his father died, and his wife convinced him it would be best for him to fly alone to Baltimore to attend the funeral.
And that’s when the misandry hit the fan. As Howard tells his rapt audience in the DV group,
Oh no she didn’t! Oh, yes she did.
Arriving home, he finds the house empty. His wife had taken his money, stashed the kids with her mother, and run off with his business partner, who also claimed their joint business as his own, because apparently if you run off with your business partner’s wife you’re just allowed to do that.
He heads to his business partner’s house, where, adding insult to injury, his wife comes to the door “wearing a silk robe I gave her last Christmas.”
All he can ask is why. And so she tells him what every woman who suddenly and unexpectedly decides to end a 16-year marriage tells her poor, innocent, soon-to-be ex-hubby: because he just wasn’t cutting it in the sack.
Oh, but Howard’s sad tale of sexual humiliation isn’t done quite yet. And ex-wife isn’t done talking:
Because that’s totally something a real woman would say to her husband of 16 years after having unexpectedly left him while he was attending his father’s funeral.
Elam has also answered a long-standing question of mine, which is: what is the proper verb to use when a tear [blanks] down your cheek? The proper verb is “to track.”
Well, naturally – naturally! – our hero Howard has to respond somehow to soon-to-be-ex-wife’s terrible insult. So, like a totally reasonable fellow,
Ah, yes, Howard is just another sad statistic of domestic violence!
Because of course, in Elam’s story, Howard is the real victim here, so cruelly forced to go to jail for totally understandably breaking his wife’s nose. So cruelly forced to sit in a room with other dudes and talk about how he broke his wife’s nose, as if it were a bad thing.
The DV counselor, the aforementioned Ms. Pitts, asks him if his wife deserved a broken nose.
Even the DV counselor is so humbled by the righteousness of Howard’s anger that she sits silently as he details the final indignity of his case: that he’s not allowed to see his daughters until his treatment is done – just because he broke his wife’s nose with his fist.
There’s nothing subtle about Elam’s story or its message. We are supposed to empathize entirely with Howard and his plight. We are expected to mutter “fucking A, right,” along with the anonymous man in his audience after Howard explains that his wife deserved more than a broken nose. We are supposed to look with disgust on the “white knight” who interrupts Howard’s narrative to point out that what he did was wrong.
This is, to put it bluntly, a story suggesting that in many cases violence against women is justified, and then some, by their bad behavior – and that the real victims are the men who are punished for their violence by spending a short time in jail, by having to go to DV treatment, and by prohibitions on contact with their children.
In Elam’s notorious post advocating “beat a violent bitch month,” his excuse for justifying violence against women was that the “violent bitches” he was talking about had started the violence – even though the extreme retribution he suggested was justifiable went far beyond simple self-defense.
In this story, though, there is no question of self-defense; he is suggesting that violence towards women is an appropriate form of retribution for women who “do men wrong” by leaving them for other men. It’s striking that the trigger for Howard’s violence is sexual jealousy and humiliation – specifically, the thought of his wife, even after she’s left him, fellating another man.
And yet Elam convinces himself – and tries to convince his readers – that Howard is the real victim here. I scarcely have to add that this is how actual abusers think. And that no one who thinks this way can conceivably be considered a “human rights” advocate of any kind.
Showing that not only is he a disgusting rape apologist (and wannabe or actual rapist) but he knows jack shit about history.
Also, A+++ for your comment.
You’ve a stronger stomach than I have, WeCookedTheMammoth, going to that site.
@ kittehserf:
Believe me, most of the comments on that site seriously make me nauseated. But the only way for this disgusting “movement” to be exposed for what it is – thinly-veiled, pure hatred of women and open condoning of violence against them – is for people to read those nauseating comments and articles and show them on sites like this one.
[CN: rape]
And yet when Susan Brownmiller said that “[Male-on-female rape is] a conscious process of intimidation by which all men keep all women in a state of fear”, somehow she was just making things up. PUAs are severely lacking in self-awareness. And empathy as well, given that despite inadvertently confirming that men as a class instill the fear of rape in women, they conclude that women just like to be raped.
(Also, in case it’s not clear, that Brownmiller quote doesn’t imply that all men are rapists – it just implies that even the non-rapist men benefit from this power dynamic.)
@WeCookedTheMammoth
Nthing the notion that your username is fantastic.
WeCookedTheMammoth – truth. It’s one more reason I’m grateful to David, and you, and the people who go to these sites. I don’t think I could do it. Or if I did, I’d need SO MUCH brain bleach afterward that I’d have no time to do anything but look at kitty videos.
Speaking of which: Kodi!
http://youtu.be/wK9Hvyyp7RE
@ Ally S:
Thanks. 😀
Yeah, the whole “women love forceful sex, especially forceful anal sex” is a recurring trope in the “manosphere.” Allegedly, the more you f*** a woman extremely coldly, forcefully, brutally, and harshly, the more she will cling to you and become your “bitch slave” because she recognizes you as a dominant alpha. She will even be begging for your cock so much that you will have to fight her off! I wish I were making this up, but I see this shit over and over in that comment section. Word for word.
My only hope is that these males really are just mostly Internet tough guys and keyboard jockeys, and that their real-life experience with real women is severely limited.
@ kittehserf:
Re: the kitty video. SO TRUE!!!!
Can I just point out the complete absurdity of anyone expecting some random woman who just had her earbuds yanked out to respond as if she were a fully trained EMT? That’s taking the idea that woman=mommy to brand new heights of ridiculousness.
OK, I’m gonna call it a night, guys and gals, but before I go, I wanted to inject a little positivity and maybe hope that there are actually people who see this bullshit “movement” for what it is this. This is a quote from someone named Martin from the comment section of Return of Kings (I quoted him previously on another WHTM article). I think he has seen the light:
“I am a man who cares deeply about issues that affect men, such as prison rape, paternity leave, fathers’ rights, the sexual abuse of young men and boys, and prostate cancer. The difference between myself and the idiots on this site is that I actually DO something about these issues; I am an activist, and I think some of you skells here would be surprised that there are MANY feminists (yeah, those same feminists who are out to destroy you! Ooooooohhhh scary!) who are active supporters of men’s causes. Fancy that! Of course, being keyboard jockeys who spread hate and negativity and never actually leave the house to volunteer for any of these causes, you’d never know that.
When I was introduced to the MRA movement, I mistakenly assumed that it really did genuinely care about issues pertaining to men. What I found was a loose collection of “game” bullshit, interwoven with half-assed PUA nonsense and prevailing current of absolute, pure, unadulterated hatred for women.
This “movement” is fucking garbage. I’m a working man who goes to school, has an awesome girlfriend, lots of friends, both male and female, gay and straight, black and white. I refuse to get sucked into this hateful dark pit which, underneath it all, has absolutely nothing to so with male issues whatsoever.
This weekend I will be marching in a protest against male prison rape. My girlfriend will be right by my side, as will my sister and several female friends. What will you all be doing? Spewing hate into the Internet while doing nothing to improve the situation with which you are so purportedly outraged?
You cretins make me laugh. I am done with this site.”
Interestingly, he has 5 upvotes and no one has countered him yet.
Truth. Before I discovered this site, I checked the Spearhead out of morbid curiosity. Oof! Never again. It had something to do with sexual harassment at conventions and the comments section was full of fantasies about beating up women who complained about sexual harassment.
If I were having a heart attack, or a stroke, yanking someone’s earbuds is not what I’d be doing.
Niters, WeCookedTheMammoth! That Martin bloke has nailed it.
@kittehs
If I were to have a heart attack, I’d probably be flailing on the floor hoping someone would notice. Or, more realistically, not notice, and then wonder why I’m getting deader* :p
*many heart attack symptoms in women and panic attacks have lots of the same symptoms
wow everything in the phrasing in my last post sucks and my brain isn’t working with me atm :/
Nah, your phrasing was clear, Marie.
I did wonder what was happening the only time I had a panic attack. It was scary – in fact I suspect it would have been less scary if I’d thought it was a heart attack (because then maybe I’d get the hell OUT of here and go Home permanently).
@kittehs
Bloop. Panic attacks suck, sorry that you had one 🙁
I’m all out of my happy panic attack pills this makes me sad.
The first time I got a panic attack I thought I was simultaneously dying and over reacting. The fact that I didn’t die made me assume it was an overreaction, and I went undiagnosed with them for like…at least 4 years I think.
wow I hope I’m not derailing.
My phrasing was off cuz I didn’t do the words right? I think the posts I’ve seen on heartattacks in women are very focused on cis women and don’t say much on what causes it or saying symptoms if they are same/ different for trans women or non binary people and I couldn’t articulate that the moment I typed so I just went
Um many symptoms heart attacks + panic attack symptoms lots and hoped I got all my words right and really …didn’t.
I hope this worked though, cuz I feel like I actually articualted shit here.
wow I just realized this is kind of a derail…
@cassandrakitty
Truth. I really, really can’t argue with that. Feel free to point it out, and any other absurdities that you notice.
@ contrapangloss
That comment wasn’t aimed specifically at you, btw! I was just getting annoyed with the way the conversation in general was drifting for a while.
But that’s not the point, either. As kittehserf pointed out as well, Ken brought it up in a conversation about men feeling entitled to women’s attention and how they react physically if they are ignored. He didn’t provide any context, nor did he say he expected this advice to extend to men, too. As is often the case with double standards, well of cooooouurse men should be held accountable as well, but conveniently the advice is only brought up when we discuss women. Isn’t it also convienient that men aren’t usually the ones being harassed either?
To echo Lea’s comment, It is extremely arrogant to assume women haven’t thought about this stuff, like they haven’t heard the same advice that basically boils down to: “pay attention to the man who ignores your boundaries! He may be a nice guy/be your future love/be shy/be awkward/suffer from a mental issue/suffer from a disability/be having a heart attack/be the next step in human evolution in need of just a little attention from you before blooming into a mutant mastermind who saves the economy, stops war and hunger and builds a prosperous utopia for all humanity, otherwise he blows his brains out on the spot, why do you hate humanity, bitch?/etc.” a million times already.
I remember the one time I tried to give clueless “advice” like this to people who have experienced it all a million times. After being given the enlightening (and justifiably snarky) response, I was left with nothing but “yeah, I guess it was kind of a stupid thing to say.”
There is also something else off about your comment, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Wait, didn’t cassandrakitty have a good point? Where was it, hmmm…
Oh, yeah. THIS.
but but but
Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart would never do that!
@kittehserf:
Since I don’t have a witty comeback, just allow me to say that, as a straight man, I find Hugh Jackman awesomely handsome.
And Patrick Stewart is just plain awesome. Relevant to this thread:
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/06/86/31/068631219496559b62f6889cf2fab428.jpg
I’m also slightly less than inclined to be nice to Ken since he described people calling him out for ableism as “lying bullshit”.
Re: Patrick Stewart:
I mostly think Jezebel is terrible, but they got of lot of things right with this list IMO: http://jezebel.com/jezebels-hot-100-the-men-we-love-ranked-1578735833
See #1
“This statement applies equally to everyone and I just coincidentally happen to only bring it up in the context of group X” is one of my pet peeves. It’s annoying because it comes with a built-in derail.
Yeah, I’m with CassandraSays on this one. Especially since the most recent creeper, who I’ve had to avoid multiple times now on account of him hovering outside my damn apartment building, used his deafness as a way to infringe on my space and grab me and kiss me.
That shit don’t fly. There’s misunderstanding, and then there’s coincidentally misunderstanding in all the ways that allow you to grope a stranger. GEE THAT SURE SOUNDS COINCIDENTAL MISTER. (I’m hard-of-hearing myself. I know how frustrating it is to deal with a world that assumes you can hear everything. And yet, somehow, my hearing issues have never led to me groping strangers on the street.)
I’m not an EMT. I’m a stranger. And yet, somehow, all of the strangers I’ve encountered who seemed to be having health problems (seizure in one case; premature labor in another) somehow managed to have these problems in such a way that they DIDN’T grab me.
Like, seriously, what Ken is describing sounds like a whole string of unlikely coincidences that we’re supposed to accept as gold standard, when this whole fucking post is about guys trying to make excuses for infringing women’s personal space. Like, sure, it’s POSSIBLE a guy might be having a physical or mental problem that leads them to completely innocently yank a woman’s earbuds out or their hat off or something… but it’s probably MORE POSSIBLE that they’re just being an asshole.
I’m kind of surprised this is even being a thing, guys. WTF. I’ve collapsed in a subway station before crying because of health problems, I’ve been there, but why on earth in such a situation would I be so driven to grab a stranger and get in their space?