A Voice for Men founder Paul Elam is so full of it on virtually every subject he opines about – from domestic violence to women’s spending habits – that much of what he writes might be best classified as fiction. He would no doubt disagree, but then again he’s not big on self-awareness.
But in addition to writing much inadvertent or unadmitted fiction, Elam has also tried his hand at fiction of the more traditional sort. I ran across one of his short stories the other day, and I’d like to share it with you, because it is quite possibly the most revealing piece I’ve writing I’ve ever seen from him.
As fiction, it is, of course, terrible, written in a clunky, melodramatic style one can only describe, with a shudder, as highly Paul Elam-esque. Elam doesn’t exactly have the skills or the subtlety to create an even vaguely believable fictional world. The story is essentially a polemic in story form – an extended argument justifying domestic violence against women.
No, really.
The story is called “Anger Management,” and it ran in something called “The Oddville Press,” an online journal. A copy of the issue with Elam’s story in it is available through Google books.
As Elam explains in his intro, the story is based on the nearly twenty years he claims to have been a drug and alcohol counselor. He notes that domestic violence was a recurring issue with those he counseled, but then goes on to say that “sometimes the stories were not as predictable or stereotypical as what people hear about.”
The story he tells, which takes place in some sort of court-ordered Domestic Violence treatment group, purports to be one of these less-stereotypical tales.
In the story, a domestic abuser named Howard Franks reluctantly opens up to the group about the domestic violence incident that landed him in jail, and which is now forcing him to attend the group.
His is a story that could have been ripped from the headlines – of A Voice for Men.
For Howard, you see, had been living a blameless and seemingly perfect life until six weeks earlier. He was happily married, with two wonderful daughters, and a thriving business. Then his father died, and his wife convinced him it would be best for him to fly alone to Baltimore to attend the funeral.
And that’s when the misandry hit the fan. As Howard tells his rapt audience in the DV group,
Oh no she didn’t! Oh, yes she did.
Arriving home, he finds the house empty. His wife had taken his money, stashed the kids with her mother, and run off with his business partner, who also claimed their joint business as his own, because apparently if you run off with your business partner’s wife you’re just allowed to do that.
He heads to his business partner’s house, where, adding insult to injury, his wife comes to the door “wearing a silk robe I gave her last Christmas.”
All he can ask is why. And so she tells him what every woman who suddenly and unexpectedly decides to end a 16-year marriage tells her poor, innocent, soon-to-be ex-hubby: because he just wasn’t cutting it in the sack.
Oh, but Howard’s sad tale of sexual humiliation isn’t done quite yet. And ex-wife isn’t done talking:
Because that’s totally something a real woman would say to her husband of 16 years after having unexpectedly left him while he was attending his father’s funeral.
Elam has also answered a long-standing question of mine, which is: what is the proper verb to use when a tear [blanks] down your cheek? The proper verb is “to track.”
Well, naturally – naturally! – our hero Howard has to respond somehow to soon-to-be-ex-wife’s terrible insult. So, like a totally reasonable fellow,
Ah, yes, Howard is just another sad statistic of domestic violence!
Because of course, in Elam’s story, Howard is the real victim here, so cruelly forced to go to jail for totally understandably breaking his wife’s nose. So cruelly forced to sit in a room with other dudes and talk about how he broke his wife’s nose, as if it were a bad thing.
The DV counselor, the aforementioned Ms. Pitts, asks him if his wife deserved a broken nose.
Even the DV counselor is so humbled by the righteousness of Howard’s anger that she sits silently as he details the final indignity of his case: that he’s not allowed to see his daughters until his treatment is done – just because he broke his wife’s nose with his fist.
There’s nothing subtle about Elam’s story or its message. We are supposed to empathize entirely with Howard and his plight. We are expected to mutter “fucking A, right,” along with the anonymous man in his audience after Howard explains that his wife deserved more than a broken nose. We are supposed to look with disgust on the “white knight” who interrupts Howard’s narrative to point out that what he did was wrong.
This is, to put it bluntly, a story suggesting that in many cases violence against women is justified, and then some, by their bad behavior – and that the real victims are the men who are punished for their violence by spending a short time in jail, by having to go to DV treatment, and by prohibitions on contact with their children.
In Elam’s notorious post advocating “beat a violent bitch month,” his excuse for justifying violence against women was that the “violent bitches” he was talking about had started the violence – even though the extreme retribution he suggested was justifiable went far beyond simple self-defense.
In this story, though, there is no question of self-defense; he is suggesting that violence towards women is an appropriate form of retribution for women who “do men wrong” by leaving them for other men. It’s striking that the trigger for Howard’s violence is sexual jealousy and humiliation – specifically, the thought of his wife, even after she’s left him, fellating another man.
And yet Elam convinces himself – and tries to convince his readers – that Howard is the real victim here. I scarcely have to add that this is how actual abusers think. And that no one who thinks this way can conceivably be considered a “human rights” advocate of any kind.
I used to respond to any accusations of racism with the ultimate trump card, the minorities in my family tree. See! Right there! Proof positive I can’t possibly have any racist attitudes ingrained! Just because I’m really, really white and have never been mistaken for my ancestors in any way, how could you possibly imply that society treats me differently from them? Or that I would mistreat my own ancestors?
Well, surprise, surprise. Actually I’ve been stewing in a racist culture for a good many years, even going so far as to excuse outright eliminationist policies perpetuated by the government.
Surprise! Totally racist!
…
So, in conclusion, be careful of your defensiveness. We’re not blank slates, free of prejudice and isms unless we choose them. Rather the opposite.
…
And if you’re seeking forgiveness, the best way to demonstrate that is to educate yourself a little bit on these subjects. Bone up on the 101-level stuff.
Back to the OP…
This is why we call them the abusers’ lobby.
I’ll accept Ken’s apology and assume good intentions.
I want to make one more point though. I don’t think this has been brought up yet. Predators sometimes pretend to be in need of assistance as a ruse. They count on the fact that women are socialized to always accommodate the needs of everyone else even if it means ignoring the voice in the back our heads that warns us someone may not have good intent.
Ken, I’m guessing you’re a cis man. Please correct me if I’m wrong. That means you have the privilege of assuming you’re safe from sexual harassment in public places. It means you have the luxury of assuming that others have good intent until you get evidence otherwise. The rest of us have been subject to enough predatory behavior that we learn quickly to make split second evaluations every time a man walks by us on the street or sits near us on public transit. I don’t know about others, but I’ve gotten bad vibes from harassers before they even open their mouths. We get very good at reading body language, facial expression and innuendo because we have to be. This is why it reads as gaslighting when men ask us if we’re sure it’s a creeper and not someone with a disability or medical problem.
I know you’re trained to watch out for medical emergencies. I’m certainly not saying we should be ignoring people in genuine distress or picking on disabled people. It’s just that we know creepers when we see them and I always reserve the right to place my safety above all else when I get the vibe. If you want to learn more about this issue, I’d recommend reading The Gift of Fear.
If I was hard on you in the other thread, it’s because I’m the sibling of an autistic person and I’m really protective of him. If I perceive someone using people who aren’t neurotypical in an attempt to shield predators, I get very upset. I’m sure you meant well, just please, please be careful in the future.
OKEEEEY… Just read the story. The thing is, although violence is never right except in self-defense, it would be at least comprehensible for someone to punch their spouse in the face really hard if zir spouse had really done everything exactly like it says in the story. For pretty much no reason at all she tears down his entire life right when he’s burying his father. Yeah, I’d probably snap to if it suddenly turned out that what I have thought for thirteen years was my loving husband was actually some kind of cartoon villain in disguise all along, and said cartoon villain just tore my life to pieces for shits and giggles. Only THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Sure, it could happen that someone’s wife leaves him for his business partner while he’s off burying his dad, because their marriage has been truly awful and she’s scared of him and see no other way of leaving him than sneaking out on him like that, but the story as it’s told? Um, no.
@ken L
Nope, saw what you said just fine. You just don’t come across the way you think you do.
Okay, Ken, since I have some time on my hands I’m going to dig up what you said on the other thread because damn are you being dense.
nvm it didn’t take that long whoopsBecause besides the quote you already posted that had problems (often mental disorders are used to excuse men’s behavior, when acting like a massive boundry invading creep isn’t a side effect, and when the creeping is unacceptable either way, and when it ignores that women have mental disorders too.
you said:
where you pretty much said, if I’m reading right you wanted to call them the r-word.
and luckily you didn’t say more shit than that :/
@michelle
Sorry you were triggered 🙁 are cute rats good brain bleach?
and, Ken, Scott hit this point better than me, so I”m just seconding.
@ken
::headdesk:: Yeah, I guess Scott couldn’t decide for himself. /sarcasm.
I know, same reason why when I accidentally step on someone’s toe I never apologize. Oh wait….
@cassandra
Yup. the ableism + excuse for men’s bad behavior made me assume troll.
and I”m not caught up yet but posting because damn I am blabbering a lot
@emma
Yeah, I don’t do that.
@anarchonist
^BAM
@hellkell
Thirding.
Ken,
I get that you mean well. I also get that you haven’t had your lived experiences second guessed away, over and over again. It gets old quick and it never stops. Then, you get to hear how the poor man harassing you or you daughter or your friend must just be *insert whatever absolves him of responsibility to the given apologist*. Meanwhile, when a woman with a mental illness or disability is harassed/assaulted/raped, she can’t be trusted and the man is innocent again. You may not be aware of how men’s problems absolve them and how ours make us guilty, but it’s common. It also gets old to hear bad behavior blamed on disabilities, as if only mentally ill or nonneurotypical people behave badly or that only totally able people can be trusted.
I agree that you’re a good egg. Just, please take some time to consider how telling women they are responsible for making super sure it isn’t OK for a man to demand her attention comes across the millionth time a man has told you that.
As for ablism: I absorbed misogyny as a kid because the culture I grew up in was misogynist. Internalized bigotry is a thing and we all have to be aware of it.
Stick around, listen. You’ll get it.
I had a coworker once who went on vacation for a week. He came back early and found his wife in bed with his best friend.
He cancelled all of his credit cards and checked himself into a mental institution for a 72 hour hold because he feared he was a danger to himself, his friend or his wife.
That is the correct response.
Paul Elam is a deeply problematic person who clearly think that domestic violence can be justified in some way (protip: it can’t). Now sit back and watch while he grumbles about being misquoted or taken out of context or, his favourite, ‘it was satire, man’.
Wat an assbutt.
I like everyone else at the moment it seems am in the process of reading the Lundy Bancroft (Ally was it you who shared the pdf? I think it was. But thank you so much, I have been racing through that book at the speed of light and have shared it round my uni feminist society, I hope it can do some good). But after reading it, that politicians suggestion that couples counselling should be mandatory for divorcing couples is super scary because Bancroft goes into a lot of detail about why couples therapy or counselling should not ever, never, ever be used when one partner is abusive because it gives the abuser more tools to abuse their partner. So if this guy had his way, lots of couples where they are divorcing due to abuse would be made to go through a process which one of the leading experts in the field says can absolutely lead to more abuse….
[quote]
Even the DV counselor is so humbled by the righteousness of Howard’s anger that she sits silently as he details the final indignity of his case: that he’s not allowed to see his daughters until his treatment is done – just because he broke his wife’s nose with his fist.[/quote]
Not in The Spearhead version of the story:
http://www.the-spearhead.com/2010/05/09/anger-management/
Her character is more “evil” in this one (even worse than the wife in fact), and an epilogue is added in which she talks to the CPS worker assigned to his kids in order for him to never see them again.
@historophilia
Actually, it was LBT who provided the link – I just linked to his comment. =P
A more lighthearted, but nevertheless still badly written, MRA fanfiction: http://imgur.com/gallery/0eVzVMB. Thankfully it gets called out in the comments as being as much.
My favorite part is the overarching “Male Tears is SERIOUS MISANDRY” tone. Not to mention the “you would hate unknowingly giving to organizations that seriously help abused men and spend all their time doing so” straw feminist that’s been done to death.
Shit yes. Ted Bundy did exactly that.
@kittehserf
“emma, why so protective of Ken? Okay, he’s apologised, fine. But now you’re trying to turn it into a completely different conversation. This whole thread is about a man who ranted about a woman wearing earplugs, about her “shitting down his throat” because she wouldn’t hear his so-important notes from his boner – and this was after he’d Facebook stalked her for six months.”
Sure. Ken’s advice was well-intentioned, however, and in direct response to a question about someone removing one’s earbuds, not so much to the situation of the original post. You corrected what you saw as his ableist attitude, and he apologized. I think you yourself invoked the Hanlon’s Razor on one of the recent threads. I don’t see malice involved here, is all.
So.. he made a story about a woman who was pretty bad, but in a totally stupid and kind of super fake seeming way, to justify a man breaking her nose? why do I get the feeling that was the point of the story from the beginning? I mean.. There is certainly a place for violence in fiction, Even against woman, but It has to be like.. you know, a result of the story, not the point of it, otherwise it come off like a cheap fantasy situation, engineered to get a result, like here.
Cause, if Im understanding right, the story is basically “She was a bitch to me, so I punched her! Because, obviously, I have no other recourse, for some reason!” which just feels all sorts of forced. I mean, He could have fought for custody of the children, or pulled his weight on his half of the business. Hell, It could have made for a compelling story if he had! And if he *DID* end up violent, It shouldn’t come off as a sympathetic thing for him to do, specifically. As it stands, we have a room full of abusers who agree with him and thats how we are supposed to empathize with his plight..?
I dunno. I know Im looking at this from a more critical light then a mocking stand point, but this story sounds really really bad, even from that angle.
@Anarchonist
“Sorry if I come off as aggressive. I just don’t like guilt-tripping at all.”
No problem. It is not guilt-tripping, as I see it. Ken’s response just sounded common sense to me. I am one of those people whose initial impulse indeed would be to check on the person approaching me in a startling way to make sure they are OK first, but I understand it may not be the optimal or even appropriate response, depending on the situation.
Hilariously pathetic. Couldn’t even be assed to spend 5 minutes setting up a Cafepress store to actually sell mugs.
emma, I’m not attributing malice to Ken; Hanlon’s Razor doesn’t come into this. I’m asking why you got so defensive of him when he made ableist comments. Nobody was saying “He’s the enemy!” People were pointing out that he made ableist comments, and that doubling down on them wasn’t the way to go. He’s apologised since then, but as Lea pointed out, women hear this shit all the time about how we’re supposed to think of the poor-maybe-disabled-man, and how if a woman’s disabled her testimony means nothing – the man is always absolved, the woman never believed, and it’s really, really old. Raising the stakes to “he’s having a heart attack/stroke!” is just more of the same, and I’m less than impressed with it, or defences of it.
You’d think, somewhere along the line, more MRA would realize that straw feminists are in fact, not real. Or rather, if they are real, they are a minority and probably not really feminists.(not that feminists are obligated to care about men’s issues or anything, but I do think its a trend in.. you know, wanting equality.)
ah I hit Post comment to early. I meant to continue on to say something about how MRA are not well known for challenging their perceptions.
kittehserf,
“I’m not attributing malice to Ken.”
Oh, good.
I am one of those “oh, the poor person, man (yes) or woman, is s/he OK, what with that ripping off my hat (since I don’t wear earbuds)?” Believe me, I don’t minimize the threats of assault we face daily — have had my share, after all; my first reaction, however, is more in line with that described by Ken. I would be (and am) concerned for the person who behaves in such a way, but I do not expect others to share this attitude. Also note, please, that this concern does NOT apply to the dude in the original post whose behavior is clearly entitlement-driven stalking that leaves no doubt about his motives.
Hope it makes sense.
Yeah, that’s making sense, emma, thanks.
Another gem from the “manosphere” blog Return of Kings:
[TRIGGER WARNING for violence and rape]
“Truth is women like forceful sex, because you then represent one of the men that have just conquered her village by force, killed her father, brothers and sons and raped her. It’s how ordinary girls used to get pregnant most of time. It is the reason why women are hypergamous too. Mentally they are ready to submit to the stronger and more powerful men because the alternative is getting killed like the rest of the peasants from her village.”
I mean….what the fuck do you even say to that? What honestly scares the SHIT out of me is that males (I refuse to call them men) who think this way actually EXIST, in REAL LIFE, and genuinely do hate women so much that they want to do them as much physical and mental harm as possible. Unfortunately for them, it is still illegal to beat women, so the next best thing is to f*** them as forcefully as possible! The sexualization of violence. Porn does it all the time. So long as she “consented,” then violence against women (and I mean real, serious violence), in a sexual context, is perfectly acceptable.
So does anyone know if that horrible video is down from the A Voice for Men site yet?