Hey there, I’m quite down. It’s been almost three weeks after my surgery, and I have pain still from the lymph node biopsies – he took two. I managed to get a doctor’s appointment this morning, but I am so down from lack of sleep and just ongoing fucking aching. I can’t bear to touch my skin near the axilla incision – which is lumpy, and now at the top of the breast on that side.
I have no idea when I am going to be well enough to go back to work. I am scared of being around people because I am terrified of being knocked on that side.
Now I’m scared I’m going to basically be seen as a wimp from the fucking aching and pain. I had few pain issues in the first week after surgery, having this start in the second week has been an unexpected and horrible experience.
I got 3.5 hours sleep last night, and that was after popping a valium. I also sobbed my heart out in the shower this morning, because acute pain and just ongoing aching. I’m trying really hard to stay out of self-pity, but I am so tired of the hurting (no, not suicidal, I just wish it would fucking stop).
🙁
Fatman
10 years ago
Trigger Warning Sexual Assault
A friend of mine did something hella egregiously monumentally fucked up last weekend and I want to talk about it but I can’t bring my self to. I have not posted here in a long time, and even when I was posting it was pretty sporadic, but I lurk and you guys seem like the best equipped group of strangers I can think of for dealing with this shit. I keep typing and erasing. I don’t know how to begin, so I’m just going to try saying it. A friend of mine sexually assaulted a 16 year old girl over the weekend. I keep wanting to find ways to distance myself from her (my friend, not the girl) by thinking of her as my partner’s friend rather than my friend, but that is just bull shit. She was my friend too, and she did something awful and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel sick, hella sick, like literally sick, like I want to throw up when I think about it. I don’t know what to do. The girl does not want to press charges or anything, so I can’t go to the authorities or anything, because I think the girl knows what is best for her, and I don’t have any right to go making decisions about it for her. I just don’t know what to do. Sorry for dumping this on you guys, I just needed somewhere to say this that was not to my circle of friends. I should probably add a trigger warning. I can’t stop thinking about it. I always think of the people that do things like this as other people, bad evil fucked up douche bag people that I don’t know, but that is bullshit too. I am sorry for dumping on you guys, I just don’t know who to talk to about this. Sorry.
Is there some way to make myself feel better? Should I even want to feel better? Isn’t feeling sick about this they way you are supposed to feel? I just can’t concentrate and I want it to go away, and I feel like I am an asshole for wanting it to go away. And why should I let it get to me like this when the girl who was attacked seems to be doing fine. And why is it fair that I am never in danger of this sort of attack, just because I am big and strong? That is such fucking bullshit. This girl is small and weak, I am not trying to say some essentialist bullshit about women being weak, just that this particular girl is literally small and weak, physically I mean, but why should she have to be scared. And she is not even scared, she is hella tough, but why should she get attacked? I am sorry I keep trying to write this out and I loose my slef and get madder and madder, and then erase everything I wrote, so maybe I should shut up and hit post. Sorry for wall of text. I just can’t figure out how to feel and what to do. I am mostly mad, and sick, and sad. I don’t even know how I feel. sorry.
You can report a rape without naming her, I’m pretty sure. That way, the crime can be reported without her getting involved or being at risk. (Also, if this person does it again, the reports can be notated and make a case in the future. I did this with my rapist, since pressing charges would’ve been utterly pointless.)
Also, the rapist is no longer your friend. I don’t know which party told you, but if the rapist told you, you are within your rights to express how unacceptable it is and tell them you are reporting them. You can confront her and tell her what bullshit it is. Get your partner in on it, if you can.
Support the kid if you can. And good luck; as confused and awful as you feel right now, you’re still being more proactive than basically anyone during my rape report.
Fatman
10 years ago
I don’t think it would be right to go to the police if the girl wants us not to. I don’t want to take the decision away from her. I am going to talk to her step sister, who is a close friend of mine, about it on Thursday.
Fatman
10 years ago
Sorry for dumping my heavy shit on the thread. You all seem like you have enough on your plates without me dumping on you. sorry.
emilygoddess
10 years ago
Fatman, that’s so shitty and I’m sorry. Are you in the US? The Boston Area Rape Crisis Center has a free hotline (800.841.8371) and they have people who are trained to help people who are not the victim themself (it’s called secondary trauma and it’s totally a thing). If they can’t help you, they will almost certainly know who can.
I don’t think it would be right to go to the police if the girl wants us not to.
*sigh* I talked to a friend of mine who’s a bit knowledgeable about law. Unfortunately, unless you heard about this from the rapist, the cops can’t really do much. God, I fucking hate this.
emilygoddess
10 years ago
The knowledge that a friend is capable of rape is so upsetting that people usually choose not to believe it. It takes a lot of courage to admit it, and I know it’s painful, but I bet that girl would be glad to know that someone believes her.
contrapangloss
10 years ago
Fatman, seconding Emilygoddess.
Talking to a live person over the phone, even when it’s an absolute stranger, can really help.
I’m so sorry. That situation is beyond screwed up, and crossing my fingers for the poor girl who was assaulted.
Ally, I’m so sorry about your ass of a father. Don’t tell him who you’re staying with, don’t move back in. Anyway your brother could arrange to get your sisters to a public meeting place without letting your dad know? It’s none of his business if you see your sisters, the toad that he is.
Pallygirl, I’m glad you’ve got the appointment. You should not be in that much pain, this far out. Something is up. You are not a wimp. You are strong, and wonderful, and I hope the biopsies turn out to be beg ing and not malignant.
Hugs, prayers, crossed fingers, and well wishes for all three of you.
Unimaginative
10 years ago
@Fatman, that’s horrible. I don’t know that I have any useful advice, but Captain Awkward might:
I feel like I am an asshole for wanting it to go away. And why should I let it get to me like this when the girl who was attacked seems to be doing fine.
I often have that “I feel like an asshole but really don’t want to deal with this” feeling, so know that you’re not alone there. However, the girl who “seems” to be doing fine is probably not.
She may be a statistical outlier, and feel no ill effects from the assault. It’s more likely that she’s just not displaying her reactions in a way that you recognize.
I guess it comes down to which option you can live with less:
1) don’t say anything, and be in an even more horrible place if your former friend escalates or assaults again, or
2) say something, bring everything out into the open, unleash drama, and damage or destroy some friendships.
Both options suck. I’m sorry.
Unimaginative
10 years ago
Ally, I second everyone else. Your father is doing whatever he can to manipulate you back into being under his control. That is a very bad place for you to be.
Your siblings love you, and will continue to love you even if they can’t see you for a while. I’m fairly certain that they know they’re not seeing you because of your dad, not because you don’t want to see them.
LBT is right. See to your own safety first. If you’re not safe and functioning, you can’t do anything for anyone else.
pallygirl
10 years ago
@contrapangloss: thanks, apparently it’s the scar tissue that’s causing all the pain and now I have a whole bunch of ibuprofen to take, with another drug to settle my stomach.
Sadly, the surgery wasn’t good news and I am waiting to hear if I need chemo. It’s another three weeks of waiting for an appointment for that.
contrapangloss
10 years ago
:: doubling the amount of hugs and good thoughts; benign and operable, benign and operable, none of this malignant chemo requiring nasty move about nonsense, benign and operable… ::
I know a few cancer/chemo survivors. It’s tough, but whatever the biopsy says, you can make it. Positive brainwaves, headed your way.
If there’s anything we can do other than internet hugs and good thoughts, let us know.
pallygirl
10 years ago
Thanks, at least I am two carconimas fewer than I was before the surgery. 🙂
pallygirl
10 years ago
*carcinomas. I blame 3.5 hours sleep for my spelling today.
Fatman
10 years ago
Thanks for listening to me. I just needed to talk about it to someone that was not connected. I’m gonna go google how to best help victims of sexual assault, thanks again for listening and helping me work through this mentally.
Pallygirl: I’m so sorry, being in pain for such a long time is horrible. I wish I could do more than offer non-contact hugs and crossed-fingers for your treatment.
Fatman: that’s dreadful, and no need to apologise as far as I’m concerned. I haven’t any practical knowledge to contribute, only more of those hugs.
Ally: your parental unit is playing yet more mind games. He’s doing a nastier version of “You can’t fire me! I quit!” with his bullshit. Well, he’s too late. He’s BEEN fired: you did that when you got out of that prison house. I understand that it’s distressng not to see your sisters, but you know you can’t afford to do so, not it if means being in his presence. You knew it would have to be that way when you escaped.
However much you long to see them now, it isn’t safe to do so. It won’t protect them, and it’ll put you direct in the line of fire – that’s only semi-metaphorical, btw.
If he refuses to see you, that is, frankly, good. Painful, but good. He needs to be OUT of your life. He takes life and turns it into mere miserable existence; the man’s a parasite. All he deserves from you is a gigantic FUCK YOU and digital salute.
This honestly is really trivial, but I am FUCKING SICK of people saying shit like this:
I don’t spend my time reading stuff produced by minds infected with the faith virus. Thanks for supporting an organization that systematically rapes and tortures children OP.
As an atheist, IF YOU SAY SHIT LIKE THIS TO ANY CATHOLIC, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. GO STEP ON LEGOS.
contrapangloss
10 years ago
Okay, so this is kind of trivial compare to other things on the thread, but it’s really messing with me right now. It’s really trivial, and I kind of feel bad postin here because… Yeah, not nearly as serious as cancer, or abuse, or that stuff.
I have a good hiking/tree-climbing/watching ‘ancient aliens’ and snickering at the local anthropology professors most likely reactions to the hilarious hypotheses of the ‘ancient astronaut theorists’ buddy. We also like swapping stories about scuba diving, lifeguarding, marine biology, and fire department stuff, the first two being his turf, second two being mine.
He asked me if I’d like to meet up for dinner and “How to Train Your Dragon 2”. I said sure and set a time without thinking about it.
Then I thought about it, and the stereotypical fist date-ishness of it all, and how a relationship of more than friends/hiking buddies would be a really, really bad idea because of some big reasons that don’t affect hiking suitability but would doom a dating relationship including a total absence of attraction among others…
So, when he picked me up I kinda launched into the “So, we’re doing this as friends, right?” conversation.
Apparently, he was going to talk about that after the movie. Yay, jumping gun me.
His response was “if that’s what you want”
I said: “That’d be good, because I’m really not looking for a dating relationship right now”
He said: “I know you’re busy and I respect that”
Me: “I appreciate that”
Cue awkward silence, including nebulous but not spoken thoughts of starting it up with “So, what about the weather we’ve been having?”
We still had fun, the movie was pretty good, and we had a normalize conversation about other movies that were so bad they were hilarious.
But, I’m left with the impression that he wanted/is hoping for future more than friendsiness, and that’s totally not going to happen for reasons, and I feel like I have to cut back on hikes/hangouts so’s not to ‘lead him on’, but I don’t want to tell him flat out that “even though I’m not looking for a romantic relationship, even if it was it wouldn’t be with you” because (though true) ow. Somehow, I think specific reasons would make it even more ow.
But at the same time I really appreciate that he was nice bout the “if that’s what you want” and the valiant attempts at normality afterwards despite steamrollering of his conversational schematic, and I really enjoy the friend hangouts.
Argh.
Social situations are tough. Totally do not need this now. Why isn’t there a skill sheet to memorize for ‘not wanting a romantic relationship’? I need it.
It’s a little nice that I’ve managed to avoid this nonsense til 22, but now that it’s found me… AHHH!
Scored a 96% on the protocol exam for my EMT precept, and the career side paramedic from my first 24 hour ride-along thinks I’m awesome, so at least that’s going well.
Alice, hear hear! May their socks be infested with dermestid beetles forever.
titianblue
10 years ago
@Fatmna
THe most inmportant thing you can do for the girl who was insulted is to ensure that she knows that you believe what happened to her and that you will support her in any way she wants. That it is her choice what that is (even if it’s that she wants nothing to do with you after what your friend did) and that you will fully respect her decision. If she is floundering from lack of support, then your local rape support helpline are the absolute best place to find that support.
The most important thing you can do for you is to understand that someone who can sexually assault someone probably should not be your friend and certainly should not get to do this without consequences, even if those consequences are only that you and your SO tell that person that you know what they did, that it was heinous and unacceptable. IMO, you cannot continue to welcome someone who commits sexual assault into your circle of friendship.
From what LBT is saying, it seems like you could consider reporting the assault, naming the perpetrator but not naming the victim. Not sure how that would work but it sounds like it’s worth considering.
I am sorry that your friend has done this to this girl and to you. Please remember that her victim not showing much reaction in public is not a refection of how she feels inside.
titianblue
10 years ago
^assaulted, not insulted. Damned autocorrect!
titianblue
10 years ago
@contrapangloss, honesty is the best policy? Tell your friend what you’ve told us – that you really value their friendship and thoroughly enjoy the time you sepnd together but that you do not believe this could ever become a romantic relationship. That you truly hope they can continue as your friend but that you understand if they cannot on those terms. That you will respect their decision and that, while you understand that they may change their mind in the future about whether they still do or do not want to be friends, you are certain that you will not – you want to be friends but cannot be lovers with them
pallygirl
10 years ago
@contrapangloss: gratz, how did you stuff up the 4%? /ducks and runs
Great news on the practical side as well. 24-hour ride-along – does that mean that you did 24 hours straight?
Re the friend thing, that’s always tough when one party likes the other party more. I wish I had words of wisdom for that, being on either side sucks, although obviously the side with the unrequited romantic interests is tougher. 🙁
@Alice: there’s nothing about being an atheist that is an arsehold prophylactic. There are obnoxious people in any group, although some atheists seem to somehow think that are immune by virtue of being an atheist. There are a few prominent atheists that spring to mind as I type that.
Thanks for the best wishes, this whole situation sucks. However, at the rate I am going I believe I am going to be the most legally-drugged up person ever to give a PhD presentation. 🙂 It’s all ready, yay, and I have a day to go over my presentation.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Hey there, I’m quite down. It’s been almost three weeks after my surgery, and I have pain still from the lymph node biopsies – he took two. I managed to get a doctor’s appointment this morning, but I am so down from lack of sleep and just ongoing fucking aching. I can’t bear to touch my skin near the axilla incision – which is lumpy, and now at the top of the breast on that side.
I have no idea when I am going to be well enough to go back to work. I am scared of being around people because I am terrified of being knocked on that side.
Now I’m scared I’m going to basically be seen as a wimp from the fucking aching and pain. I had few pain issues in the first week after surgery, having this start in the second week has been an unexpected and horrible experience.
I got 3.5 hours sleep last night, and that was after popping a valium. I also sobbed my heart out in the shower this morning, because acute pain and just ongoing aching. I’m trying really hard to stay out of self-pity, but I am so tired of the hurting (no, not suicidal, I just wish it would fucking stop).
🙁
Trigger Warning Sexual Assault
A friend of mine did something hella egregiously monumentally fucked up last weekend and I want to talk about it but I can’t bring my self to. I have not posted here in a long time, and even when I was posting it was pretty sporadic, but I lurk and you guys seem like the best equipped group of strangers I can think of for dealing with this shit. I keep typing and erasing. I don’t know how to begin, so I’m just going to try saying it. A friend of mine sexually assaulted a 16 year old girl over the weekend. I keep wanting to find ways to distance myself from her (my friend, not the girl) by thinking of her as my partner’s friend rather than my friend, but that is just bull shit. She was my friend too, and she did something awful and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel sick, hella sick, like literally sick, like I want to throw up when I think about it. I don’t know what to do. The girl does not want to press charges or anything, so I can’t go to the authorities or anything, because I think the girl knows what is best for her, and I don’t have any right to go making decisions about it for her. I just don’t know what to do. Sorry for dumping this on you guys, I just needed somewhere to say this that was not to my circle of friends. I should probably add a trigger warning. I can’t stop thinking about it. I always think of the people that do things like this as other people, bad evil fucked up douche bag people that I don’t know, but that is bullshit too. I am sorry for dumping on you guys, I just don’t know who to talk to about this. Sorry.
Is there some way to make myself feel better? Should I even want to feel better? Isn’t feeling sick about this they way you are supposed to feel? I just can’t concentrate and I want it to go away, and I feel like I am an asshole for wanting it to go away. And why should I let it get to me like this when the girl who was attacked seems to be doing fine. And why is it fair that I am never in danger of this sort of attack, just because I am big and strong? That is such fucking bullshit. This girl is small and weak, I am not trying to say some essentialist bullshit about women being weak, just that this particular girl is literally small and weak, physically I mean, but why should she have to be scared. And she is not even scared, she is hella tough, but why should she get attacked? I am sorry I keep trying to write this out and I loose my slef and get madder and madder, and then erase everything I wrote, so maybe I should shut up and hit post. Sorry for wall of text. I just can’t figure out how to feel and what to do. I am mostly mad, and sick, and sad. I don’t even know how I feel. sorry.
RE: Fatman
You can report a rape without naming her, I’m pretty sure. That way, the crime can be reported without her getting involved or being at risk. (Also, if this person does it again, the reports can be notated and make a case in the future. I did this with my rapist, since pressing charges would’ve been utterly pointless.)
Also, the rapist is no longer your friend. I don’t know which party told you, but if the rapist told you, you are within your rights to express how unacceptable it is and tell them you are reporting them. You can confront her and tell her what bullshit it is. Get your partner in on it, if you can.
Support the kid if you can. And good luck; as confused and awful as you feel right now, you’re still being more proactive than basically anyone during my rape report.
I don’t think it would be right to go to the police if the girl wants us not to. I don’t want to take the decision away from her. I am going to talk to her step sister, who is a close friend of mine, about it on Thursday.
Sorry for dumping my heavy shit on the thread. You all seem like you have enough on your plates without me dumping on you. sorry.
Fatman, that’s so shitty and I’m sorry. Are you in the US? The Boston Area Rape Crisis Center has a free hotline (800.841.8371) and they have people who are trained to help people who are not the victim themself (it’s called secondary trauma and it’s totally a thing). If they can’t help you, they will almost certainly know who can.
RE: Fatman
I don’t think it would be right to go to the police if the girl wants us not to.
*sigh* I talked to a friend of mine who’s a bit knowledgeable about law. Unfortunately, unless you heard about this from the rapist, the cops can’t really do much. God, I fucking hate this.
The knowledge that a friend is capable of rape is so upsetting that people usually choose not to believe it. It takes a lot of courage to admit it, and I know it’s painful, but I bet that girl would be glad to know that someone believes her.
Fatman, seconding Emilygoddess.
Talking to a live person over the phone, even when it’s an absolute stranger, can really help.
I’m so sorry. That situation is beyond screwed up, and crossing my fingers for the poor girl who was assaulted.
Ally, I’m so sorry about your ass of a father. Don’t tell him who you’re staying with, don’t move back in. Anyway your brother could arrange to get your sisters to a public meeting place without letting your dad know? It’s none of his business if you see your sisters, the toad that he is.
Pallygirl, I’m glad you’ve got the appointment. You should not be in that much pain, this far out. Something is up. You are not a wimp. You are strong, and wonderful, and I hope the biopsies turn out to be beg ing and not malignant.
Hugs, prayers, crossed fingers, and well wishes for all three of you.
@Fatman, that’s horrible. I don’t know that I have any useful advice, but Captain Awkward might:
http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/08/324-my-friend-the-rapist/
I often have that “I feel like an asshole but really don’t want to deal with this” feeling, so know that you’re not alone there. However, the girl who “seems” to be doing fine is probably not.
She may be a statistical outlier, and feel no ill effects from the assault. It’s more likely that she’s just not displaying her reactions in a way that you recognize.
I guess it comes down to which option you can live with less:
1) don’t say anything, and be in an even more horrible place if your former friend escalates or assaults again, or
2) say something, bring everything out into the open, unleash drama, and damage or destroy some friendships.
Both options suck. I’m sorry.
Ally, I second everyone else. Your father is doing whatever he can to manipulate you back into being under his control. That is a very bad place for you to be.
Your siblings love you, and will continue to love you even if they can’t see you for a while. I’m fairly certain that they know they’re not seeing you because of your dad, not because you don’t want to see them.
LBT is right. See to your own safety first. If you’re not safe and functioning, you can’t do anything for anyone else.
@contrapangloss: thanks, apparently it’s the scar tissue that’s causing all the pain and now I have a whole bunch of ibuprofen to take, with another drug to settle my stomach.
Sadly, the surgery wasn’t good news and I am waiting to hear if I need chemo. It’s another three weeks of waiting for an appointment for that.
:: doubling the amount of hugs and good thoughts; benign and operable, benign and operable, none of this malignant chemo requiring nasty move about nonsense, benign and operable… ::
I know a few cancer/chemo survivors. It’s tough, but whatever the biopsy says, you can make it. Positive brainwaves, headed your way.
If there’s anything we can do other than internet hugs and good thoughts, let us know.
Thanks, at least I am two carconimas fewer than I was before the surgery. 🙂
*carcinomas. I blame 3.5 hours sleep for my spelling today.
Thanks for listening to me. I just needed to talk about it to someone that was not connected. I’m gonna go google how to best help victims of sexual assault, thanks again for listening and helping me work through this mentally.
Pallygirl: I’m so sorry, being in pain for such a long time is horrible. I wish I could do more than offer non-contact hugs and crossed-fingers for your treatment.
Fatman: that’s dreadful, and no need to apologise as far as I’m concerned. I haven’t any practical knowledge to contribute, only more of those hugs.
Ally: your parental unit is playing yet more mind games. He’s doing a nastier version of “You can’t fire me! I quit!” with his bullshit. Well, he’s too late. He’s BEEN fired: you did that when you got out of that
prisonhouse. I understand that it’s distressng not to see your sisters, but you know you can’t afford to do so, not it if means being in his presence. You knew it would have to be that way when you escaped.However much you long to see them now, it isn’t safe to do so. It won’t protect them, and it’ll put you direct in the line of fire – that’s only semi-metaphorical, btw.
If he refuses to see you, that is, frankly, good. Painful, but good. He needs to be OUT of your life. He takes life and turns it into mere miserable existence; the man’s a parasite. All he deserves from you is a gigantic FUCK YOU and digital salute.
This honestly is really trivial, but I am FUCKING SICK of people saying shit like this:
As an atheist, IF YOU SAY SHIT LIKE THIS TO ANY CATHOLIC, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. GO STEP ON LEGOS.
Okay, so this is kind of trivial compare to other things on the thread, but it’s really messing with me right now. It’s really trivial, and I kind of feel bad postin here because… Yeah, not nearly as serious as cancer, or abuse, or that stuff.
I have a good hiking/tree-climbing/watching ‘ancient aliens’ and snickering at the local anthropology professors most likely reactions to the hilarious hypotheses of the ‘ancient astronaut theorists’ buddy. We also like swapping stories about scuba diving, lifeguarding, marine biology, and fire department stuff, the first two being his turf, second two being mine.
He asked me if I’d like to meet up for dinner and “How to Train Your Dragon 2”. I said sure and set a time without thinking about it.
Then I thought about it, and the stereotypical fist date-ishness of it all, and how a relationship of more than friends/hiking buddies would be a really, really bad idea because of some big reasons that don’t affect hiking suitability but would doom a dating relationship including a total absence of attraction among others…
So, when he picked me up I kinda launched into the “So, we’re doing this as friends, right?” conversation.
Apparently, he was going to talk about that after the movie. Yay, jumping gun me.
His response was “if that’s what you want”
I said: “That’d be good, because I’m really not looking for a dating relationship right now”
He said: “I know you’re busy and I respect that”
Me: “I appreciate that”
Cue awkward silence, including nebulous but not spoken thoughts of starting it up with “So, what about the weather we’ve been having?”
We still had fun, the movie was pretty good, and we had a normalize conversation about other movies that were so bad they were hilarious.
But, I’m left with the impression that he wanted/is hoping for future more than friendsiness, and that’s totally not going to happen for reasons, and I feel like I have to cut back on hikes/hangouts so’s not to ‘lead him on’, but I don’t want to tell him flat out that “even though I’m not looking for a romantic relationship, even if it was it wouldn’t be with you” because (though true) ow. Somehow, I think specific reasons would make it even more ow.
But at the same time I really appreciate that he was nice bout the “if that’s what you want” and the valiant attempts at normality afterwards despite steamrollering of his conversational schematic, and I really enjoy the friend hangouts.
Argh.
Social situations are tough. Totally do not need this now. Why isn’t there a skill sheet to memorize for ‘not wanting a romantic relationship’? I need it.
It’s a little nice that I’ve managed to avoid this nonsense til 22, but now that it’s found me… AHHH!
Scored a 96% on the protocol exam for my EMT precept, and the career side paramedic from my first 24 hour ride-along thinks I’m awesome, so at least that’s going well.
Alice, hear hear! May their socks be infested with dermestid beetles forever.
@Fatmna
THe most inmportant thing you can do for the girl who was insulted is to ensure that she knows that you believe what happened to her and that you will support her in any way she wants. That it is her choice what that is (even if it’s that she wants nothing to do with you after what your friend did) and that you will fully respect her decision. If she is floundering from lack of support, then your local rape support helpline are the absolute best place to find that support.
The most important thing you can do for you is to understand that someone who can sexually assault someone probably should not be your friend and certainly should not get to do this without consequences, even if those consequences are only that you and your SO tell that person that you know what they did, that it was heinous and unacceptable. IMO, you cannot continue to welcome someone who commits sexual assault into your circle of friendship.
From what LBT is saying, it seems like you could consider reporting the assault, naming the perpetrator but not naming the victim. Not sure how that would work but it sounds like it’s worth considering.
I am sorry that your friend has done this to this girl and to you. Please remember that her victim not showing much reaction in public is not a refection of how she feels inside.
^assaulted, not insulted. Damned autocorrect!
@contrapangloss, honesty is the best policy? Tell your friend what you’ve told us – that you really value their friendship and thoroughly enjoy the time you sepnd together but that you do not believe this could ever become a romantic relationship. That you truly hope they can continue as your friend but that you understand if they cannot on those terms. That you will respect their decision and that, while you understand that they may change their mind in the future about whether they still do or do not want to be friends, you are certain that you will not – you want to be friends but cannot be lovers with them
@contrapangloss: gratz, how did you stuff up the 4%? /ducks and runs
Great news on the practical side as well. 24-hour ride-along – does that mean that you did 24 hours straight?
Re the friend thing, that’s always tough when one party likes the other party more. I wish I had words of wisdom for that, being on either side sucks, although obviously the side with the unrequited romantic interests is tougher. 🙁
@Alice: there’s nothing about being an atheist that is an arsehold prophylactic. There are obnoxious people in any group, although some atheists seem to somehow think that are immune by virtue of being an atheist. There are a few prominent atheists that spring to mind as I type that.
Thanks for the best wishes, this whole situation sucks. However, at the rate I am going I believe I am going to be the most legally-drugged up person ever to give a PhD presentation. 🙂 It’s all ready, yay, and I have a day to go over my presentation.
Reminds me of Fuckwit Abbott and his “suppository of all knowledge” comment. 😉