Why does he always go after me? Why does he always hurt me like this? Why doesn’t he just leave me the hell alone? I’ll probably never find answers to those questions. He never wants to change. He never wants to empathize. I feel so exhausted right now and it’s only 7:30 AM here.
Did you get much sleep, Ally? It’s not that long since you were online.
He does it like any abuser – he sees someone he can terrorise. He did it to your mother, too – didn’t she take out an intervention order against him? He’s a textbook example of all the things quoted from Lundy Bancroft’s book.
I didn’t sleep well. I had some very unpleasant dreams about my family. I don’t want to go into them right now.
Is it so unreasonable for me to say that my friend doesn’t want to reveal her address to people? Even if my dad wasn’t abusive? What the fuck is wrong with that? Why doesn’t my dad care?
I’m sorry, I’m being totally scatterbrained and anxious. I just took a shower and I’m feeling more relaxed. I still feel awful, though.
Argenti Aertheri
10 years ago
“Is it so unreasonable for me to say that my friend doesn’t want to reveal her address to people?”
I’m apparently sick. So I’m sorry but this is going to be short. That aside, that’s totally reasonable.
Marie
10 years ago
@Ally
::Offering internet hugs and sending good thoughts your way::
I don’t have any advice though 🙁
In better news, my sister took this picture of me on a hike earlier today, and I look more femme than ever in it: http://i.imgur.com/vRtEhlc.jpg
You look awesome in that picture :3
@emilygoddess
I was just clicking around Tumblr and stumbled on to child porn. I reported it, of course, but I can’t unsee it. Why are people terrible?
wow. 🙁
@argenti aertheri
You may care to figure out local laws and if you should talk to someone else (e.g. a friend) about them being in charge.
law ignorant thing here, but how hard is it to do that?
@Ally
But it still hurts so much. Today is Father’s Day. I should be feeling safe around him, not distressed to the point of wanting to kill myself. I assure you all that I’m safe and I’m nowhere near trying to actually harm myself, but I just needed to vent about this. Fuck my life.
It’s the personal thread, it’s for venting. ::offering more hugs::
But it still hurts so much. Today is Father’s Day. I should be feeling safe around him, not distressed to the point of wanting to kill myself. I assure you all that I’m safe and I’m nowhere near trying to actually harm myself, but I just needed to vent about this. Fuck my life.
I feel so sick to my stomach. I’m so scared. I’m so fucking scared.
Unimaginative
10 years ago
Why does he always go after me? Why does he always hurt me like this? Why doesn’t he just leave me the hell alone?
Because you’re not falling into line and being (or pretending to be) the person he thinks will reflect well on him. EVEN IF you contorted yourself into a painful, horrible shape that fulfilled the script he’s written for you, his approval and displays of affection would STILL be conditional, and I have no doubt at all that he would push for further concessions.
You are a smart, beautiful, eloquent, and amazing woman. Your father will never see or acknowledge that, and that’s going to hurt.
Sometimes, you’re born into a loving, supporting family. Sometimes, you have to make your family. And that necessarily means separating to some degree from our family of birth, and seeking out new people.
Keep yourself safe, and you’ll get through this eventually, and one day you’ll even be happy. You need to be your priority, though. Your dad had his chance to be the person you’d like him to be, and to be the person in your life he’d like to be. He blew it, and continues to blow it.
Children are not possessions. His job in life as a father was to keep you alive to adulthood and teach you the life skills you need to become a whole person. He chose to try to own and control and abuse you. That’s on him, not you.
Argenti Aertheri
10 years ago
Marie — it isn’t that hard, both PA and CT you just need two over-18 witnesses, but the paperwork itself has to follow the right sort of form (the googles are your friend on that one)
*hands Ally the other sleeve of saltines* that’s all I’ve got that hasn’t been said already
Marie
10 years ago
@argenti
thanks. Maybe I’ll google for more info on that. It sounds like something I’d like to do.
pallygirl
10 years ago
@Ally: sometimes families just plain suck: it might be one person in the family, or it could be a bunch of them. You’re in the category of “some people in my family suck”.
The good news: a bunch of us are in that category with you. The good news is that you can get through this crap and come out the other side happy and fulfilled. The other good news: people (who aren’t idiots) don’t judge you for your family, it’s not like you were asked what family you wanted to be born into.
You’re doing really awesome, it’s just your dad has decided to continue to be a shit. That’s on him, but unfortunately it is hurting you.
I’m with Argenti re revealing your friend’s address. Both of you have to be safe because you’re living under the same roof, so it’s not unreasonable to refuse to provide the information. I don’t know if it’s an option for you, but a friend of mine had a PO Box so she could get stuff delivered without revealing her address.
Please don’t let the current situation get you down, with this sort of family issue life tends to be quite up and down before it (honestly!) stays up.
On the matter of getting an intervention throwing the family into chaos – why? Are they so deep in denial about what an abuser he is? Didn’t your mother already do that once? If they’re going to be so freaked out by it, then they’re just being abuse enablers and showing they don’t actually give a fuck about your safety or well-being, so FUCK THEM. If that’s their attitude, they aren’t being family, they’re just people you happen to be related to.
I was looking at advice on doing this in California last night, and there are legal opinions you can get. I don’t know how one would be required to have “evidence” when this sort of thing is by its nature not likely to have witnesses, or be something done when one is covered in bruises. It includes threats and stalking. I think, when you’re feeling less immediately anxious/panicked, it would be well worth getting more information about your legal options. Stopping that scum from contacting or stalking you would be a major plus.
You’ve already got away from him once. You don’t actually owe these people anything, if they’re treating you as some sacrificial lamb who has to put up with his shit.
So, I’m back in Santa Cruz, and my dad…is being really fucking weird. He now says that he doesn’t want me to see him until I move out of my friend’s place. I am still having trouble understanding how this could possibly make sense to him.
I was going to bring gifts for all of them and say hi to my little sisters. And now he has banned me from his house. I’m so fucking tired of his abusive bullshit.
Ally, I’m so sorry that your father is an abusive shit. And seconding katz, on both the hugs and the fact that you look lovely in the picture you shared.
I’m so confused. Earlier he wanted to get my friend’s full name and address for emergency purposes and now he’s acting like he wants nothing to do with me. It really hurts.
bunnybunny
10 years ago
Ally – he seems to have really bad control issues. He is essentially punishing you for being autonomous – it’s either you do things his way, or you get stonewalled. This is abusive behavior. I’m sorry you have to put up with it.
My brother told my little sisters that I couldn’t come over today because my dad is upset at me and that I wish I could see them. They’re very upset and disappointed, though fortunately not at me.
titianblue
10 years ago
Lovely photo of you, Ally. Thanks for sharing it with us.
And all the hugs you’d like. Hold tight to the knowledge that you are the one outside of your father’s control and therefore the one able to see clearly how badly he is behaving. Don’t doubt yourself. It sounds like your brother & sisters understand how much you care about them & I hope you get to see them soon.
He now says that he doesn’t want me to see him until I move out of my friend’s place. I am still having trouble understanding how this could possibly make sense to him.
He’s trying to get you back under his control. That’s his sole motivation. His words don’t have to make sense; he just has to get you back.
Your dad is being a big jerkface, as usual. I’m sorry you weren’t able to see your sisters since I know how much you love them, but I do worry about what your dad will do if he sees you again IRL. Take care.
I miss my sisters so much. I was really looking forward to meeting them today. Now I don’t even know if I’ll be able to visit them outside of their home. I feel like my dad is treating me like an outcast. I don’t know what to do.
I feel like my dad is treating me like an outcast.
That’s because he is. He hopes that if he punishes you enough, you’ll knuckle under and rejoin him. Keep staying away; like they say in airplanes, make sure your own oxygen mask is secure before trying to help anyone else.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Why does he always go after me? Why does he always hurt me like this? Why doesn’t he just leave me the hell alone? I’ll probably never find answers to those questions. He never wants to change. He never wants to empathize. I feel so exhausted right now and it’s only 7:30 AM here.
Did you get much sleep, Ally? It’s not that long since you were online.
He does it like any abuser – he sees someone he can terrorise. He did it to your mother, too – didn’t she take out an intervention order against him? He’s a textbook example of all the things quoted from Lundy Bancroft’s book.
I didn’t sleep well. I had some very unpleasant dreams about my family. I don’t want to go into them right now.
Is it so unreasonable for me to say that my friend doesn’t want to reveal her address to people? Even if my dad wasn’t abusive? What the fuck is wrong with that? Why doesn’t my dad care?
I’m sorry, I’m being totally scatterbrained and anxious. I just took a shower and I’m feeling more relaxed. I still feel awful, though.
“Is it so unreasonable for me to say that my friend doesn’t want to reveal her address to people?”
I’m apparently sick. So I’m sorry but this is going to be short. That aside, that’s totally reasonable.
@Ally
::Offering internet hugs and sending good thoughts your way::
I don’t have any advice though 🙁
You look awesome in that picture :3
@emilygoddess
wow. 🙁
@argenti aertheri
law ignorant thing here, but how hard is it to do that?
@Ally
It’s the personal thread, it’s for venting. ::offering more hugs::
No, that’d be perfectly reasonable.
I feel so sick to my stomach. I’m so scared. I’m so fucking scared.
Because you’re not falling into line and being (or pretending to be) the person he thinks will reflect well on him. EVEN IF you contorted yourself into a painful, horrible shape that fulfilled the script he’s written for you, his approval and displays of affection would STILL be conditional, and I have no doubt at all that he would push for further concessions.
You are a smart, beautiful, eloquent, and amazing woman. Your father will never see or acknowledge that, and that’s going to hurt.
Sometimes, you’re born into a loving, supporting family. Sometimes, you have to make your family. And that necessarily means separating to some degree from our family of birth, and seeking out new people.
Keep yourself safe, and you’ll get through this eventually, and one day you’ll even be happy. You need to be your priority, though. Your dad had his chance to be the person you’d like him to be, and to be the person in your life he’d like to be. He blew it, and continues to blow it.
Children are not possessions. His job in life as a father was to keep you alive to adulthood and teach you the life skills you need to become a whole person. He chose to try to own and control and abuse you. That’s on him, not you.
Marie — it isn’t that hard, both PA and CT you just need two over-18 witnesses, but the paperwork itself has to follow the right sort of form (the googles are your friend on that one)
*hands Ally the other sleeve of saltines* that’s all I’ve got that hasn’t been said already
@argenti
thanks. Maybe I’ll google for more info on that. It sounds like something I’d like to do.
@Ally: sometimes families just plain suck: it might be one person in the family, or it could be a bunch of them. You’re in the category of “some people in my family suck”.
The good news: a bunch of us are in that category with you. The good news is that you can get through this crap and come out the other side happy and fulfilled. The other good news: people (who aren’t idiots) don’t judge you for your family, it’s not like you were asked what family you wanted to be born into.
You’re doing really awesome, it’s just your dad has decided to continue to be a shit. That’s on him, but unfortunately it is hurting you.
I’m with Argenti re revealing your friend’s address. Both of you have to be safe because you’re living under the same roof, so it’s not unreasonable to refuse to provide the information. I don’t know if it’s an option for you, but a friend of mine had a PO Box so she could get stuff delivered without revealing her address.
Please don’t let the current situation get you down, with this sort of family issue life tends to be quite up and down before it (honestly!) stays up.
On the matter of getting an intervention throwing the family into chaos – why? Are they so deep in denial about what an abuser he is? Didn’t your mother already do that once? If they’re going to be so freaked out by it, then they’re just being abuse enablers and showing they don’t actually give a fuck about your safety or well-being, so FUCK THEM. If that’s their attitude, they aren’t being family, they’re just people you happen to be related to.
I was looking at advice on doing this in California last night, and there are legal opinions you can get. I don’t know how one would be required to have “evidence” when this sort of thing is by its nature not likely to have witnesses, or be something done when one is covered in bruises. It includes threats and stalking. I think, when you’re feeling less immediately anxious/panicked, it would be well worth getting more information about your legal options. Stopping that scum from contacting or stalking you would be a major plus.
You’ve already got away from him once. You don’t actually owe these people anything, if they’re treating you as some sacrificial lamb who has to put up with his shit.
Sorry I haven’t been around much this weekend, but Ally, let me give you a big pile of hugs. And you look beautiful in that picture.
So, I’m back in Santa Cruz, and my dad…is being really fucking weird. He now says that he doesn’t want me to see him until I move out of my friend’s place. I am still having trouble understanding how this could possibly make sense to him.
I was going to bring gifts for all of them and say hi to my little sisters. And now he has banned me from his house. I’m so fucking tired of his abusive bullshit.
Ally, I’m so sorry that your father is an abusive shit. And seconding katz, on both the hugs and the fact that you look lovely in the picture you shared.
I’m so confused. Earlier he wanted to get my friend’s full name and address for emergency purposes and now he’s acting like he wants nothing to do with me. It really hurts.
Ally – he seems to have really bad control issues. He is essentially punishing you for being autonomous – it’s either you do things his way, or you get stonewalled. This is abusive behavior. I’m sorry you have to put up with it.
My brother told my little sisters that I couldn’t come over today because my dad is upset at me and that I wish I could see them. They’re very upset and disappointed, though fortunately not at me.
Lovely photo of you, Ally. Thanks for sharing it with us.
And all the hugs you’d like. Hold tight to the knowledge that you are the one outside of your father’s control and therefore the one able to see clearly how badly he is behaving. Don’t doubt yourself. It sounds like your brother & sisters understand how much you care about them & I hope you get to see them soon.
RE: Ally
He now says that he doesn’t want me to see him until I move out of my friend’s place. I am still having trouble understanding how this could possibly make sense to him.
He’s trying to get you back under his control. That’s his sole motivation. His words don’t have to make sense; he just has to get you back.
Your dad is being a big jerkface, as usual. I’m sorry you weren’t able to see your sisters since I know how much you love them, but I do worry about what your dad will do if he sees you again IRL. Take care.
If he doesn’t want to see you, win! Let the filthy brute stay away.
I miss my sisters so much. I was really looking forward to meeting them today. Now I don’t even know if I’ll be able to visit them outside of their home. I feel like my dad is treating me like an outcast. I don’t know what to do.
RE: Ally
I feel like my dad is treating me like an outcast.
That’s because he is. He hopes that if he punishes you enough, you’ll knuckle under and rejoin him. Keep staying away; like they say in airplanes, make sure your own oxygen mask is secure before trying to help anyone else.