What I really find objectionable here is political parties advertising themselves in schools and workplaces and public service facilities like hospitals. I support freeze peach in open space, neutrality with captive audiences.
All right, so I was alluding to this in the newest comment thread, but I don’t want to derail it too much.
[CN: sexual harassment]
A few hours ago I was having an argument with some old acquaintances of mine in this private forum. (I foolishly thought I could have a decent discussion with them) I’m not really on good terms with a lot of them because a lot of them are entitled white men who gloat about their “hilarious” rape-related humor. Anyway, somehow the subject of sexual harassment came up and I started talking about how hurtful sexual harassment has been for me. In particular, I mentioned that I have encountered a lot of male harassers with rapey attitudes towards me.
One guy said he flat-out didn’t believe me because he thinks I overreact and call all male-female interactions rape, even though I never said such a thing. Another user said that he thought being instructed to not violate women’s boundaries is “vague”. Yet another user joked about me being afraid of being raped by a man “innocently” talking to me. And then there was a user who told me that being a victim of theft is worse than being a victim of sexual harassment. This was after I described the details of my sexual harassment, saying I’ve been touched, talked to inappropriately, etc.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just overly-sensitive, but hearing all of that was really hurtful. It’s like they had zero empathy and just tried to joke about me instead. I almost want to cry because of all of this. Not a word of understanding or sincerity. Just rape jokes. I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t believe I used to consider them friends.
hrovitnir
10 years ago
>_< You are *definitely* not over-sensitive, Ally. It's really hard not to think that everyone thinks that way when you get so much push back. They are so fucking wrong.
contrapangloss
10 years ago
Ally, that’s awful!
You aren’t overly sensitive. Their behavior is atrocious and unconscionable, and it’s coupled with the betrayal of tattered friendship. You are not at fault. They are jerks of high jerk-caliber.
Thanks, everyone. I’m trying to get over it now by distracting myself with writing. It’s not helping, but I’ll hopefully get over it eventually by “waiting it out” or whatever.
pallygirl
10 years ago
Person A telling another person that they are being “too sensitive” is a tell that Person A is bullying.
It’s the same as when people get told that they’re “too PC”, “need to get a sense of humour”, “blowing things out of proportion”. These types of comments are markers that the person saying them is in a position of power relative to the person who is upset. It is also denying the emotions that the people are experiencing, and being told zie’s emotions are wrong is about the worst thing you can do to zie.
Because only you can authenticate your own emotions. Anyone else who tells you otherwise can step on Lego bricks and has marked themselves as an emotionally stunted individual. In particular, as there is a history of telling less priviledged people that their lived experience is wrong.
Fuck that.
contrapangloss
10 years ago
So, doing my first official ride along on the paramedic rig, watching them do their ALS thing and assisting as BLS. Bumped the duration to 24 hours. First 16 have been ridiculously busy. Hoping things slow down for the next few.
The good news is that even though there were a lot of calls, no one needed CPR, no one needed intubation, and we did some smooth pull outs.
Sleeping now. Hoping not to be awoken by pager. Eight hours, town, you can do this! Everyone, stay safe, wear seatbelts, life vests, helmets, and all that jazz. Life savers, literally! (End PSA)
I just had another frightening dream about my dad. Well, at least frightening to me. I was staying at my sister’s house (which was somehow part of a party-themed restaurant? IDK) and right after this one party ended with all sorts of people my dad would have called “un-Islamic”, he stormed in and started scrutinizing the whole place. He started talking about how I was such a horrible, disgusting child for staying at a “house of sin” and then somehow knew that I was eating junk food a while ago, so he looked at my mother and said “Make sure he [sic] never eats more than one snack a month.” Overall he just kept scanning the whole damn house looking for evidence that I was a disobedient, worthless child (like he has done in the past in order to “discipline” me).
I was starting to experience so much anxiety that I felt it in the dream. My heart was starting to race because I was dreading the possibility that he would have control over my life even after I try to get away from him. And then my mom woke me up.
Marie
10 years ago
@Ally
You aren’t being oversensative. They sound like exremetly lacking-in-sympathy douches. Internet hugs from me, if you want htem.
And that dream sounds sucky too đ
contrapangloss
10 years ago
So freaking terrified for marinerachel right now. I don’t know what the hell I can do for her, and…
…I want her to be okay so badly.
If you want to try and support her, the main conversations on the AntiMRA protest. I just don’t know what to do, because I can’t fucking do anything from across a damned border, and she sounds like other friends who were suicidal and I wasn’t able to help them and…
God. Please let her be okay. Heartbroken and hurt by a miscarriage, fine. That can be healed. Just please let her be okay.
I know how you feel. I’m really scared as well. It’s hard for me to concentrate on anything, and I can barely even sleep. I’m so worried about her. đ I really hope she’ll be okay. She is a lovely user and I can’t bear the thought of the worst case scenario…
Auntie Alias
10 years ago
She sounds like my boss/friend sounded just before he took his life two weeks ago – drowning in pain.
contrapangloss
10 years ago
Marinerachel is safe, last I heard, on the other thread.
If anyone wants to join in on care-packaging, let me know. My email is my nym at hotmail. Please say your nym and whether you want a separate update, or want to join the group update, for care package-y activities.
She has my contact info, if she feels like reaching out again, and we’re going to do our best to make sure she can get all the support we can give. This community is absolutely amazing.
So all of my plans are probably going to backfire unless something miraculous happens. My dad keeps asking me about who I’m going to stay with. I can’t afford to let him know because my friend and I are trying to keep her house a safe space away from any abusers, but of course how the fuck am I going to tell my dad that I don’t want him to know the address of the apartment because he’s abusive? I’ll have to either tell him everything or just not stay at my friend’s place. She (and everyone else, for that matter) doesn’t deserve to be endangered by him.
I’m going to try to write an email explaining that I’m not interested in disclosing my location because I need to live away from family for now and my therapist agrees that it’s a good idea. It’s going to be a highly triggering experience for me, but I have no choice. It’s my only (albeit very, very slim) chance of salvaging my plans by getting him to back off. It’s very likely that I’ll just have to go back to my dad’s house if nothing works out.
I was considering a restraining order, but there is no evidence whatsoever for his abuse and even if we could get one, all that would happen would be complete chaos in the family, directed at me. And besides, I know it will hurt him deeply. I still love him on some level and I can’t bear the thought of making him feel betrayed again, even if it’s not actually betrayal.
I’m trapped, as usual, and I always will be. I never had hope in the first place. I’m such a fucking idiot. Why did I ever think I had hope in the first place? I’m nothing.
I have reached the point at which I can no longer tolerate interaction – or even thinking about interaction – with my dad unless I’m high all the time. All I want to do is get high and never think about a thing in my life. I’m sick and tired of all the heartbreaks, frustrations, abuse, and lack of luck in my life. I so badly want things to get better but they just fucking aren’t. What am I doing wrong? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m going to stop drugs pretty soon since I have to look for jobs, many of which require a drug test. So I’m not going to stay a druggie for much longer. But things are going to get a lot harder for me at the same time because of that. Anxiety attacks are the fucking best. At least stopping drugs will reduce the number of reasons I have for hating myself.
contrapangloss
10 years ago
Ally, DO NOT go back to your dad’s.
You are wonderful, amazing, clever, and funny when you choose to be; you deserve way better than anything he can give you.
Is there any way you could set up a separate folder in your email to dump all his stuff in without reading it? Keep in contact with the non-abusive family members, for sure, so they know you’re safe. However, the father-beast deserves nothing from you.
Whatever you decide, we’ll be hoping for the best and sending all the positive thoughts.
Going to your dad’s, though, is not a good idea. Please, don’t.
Ally, don’t beat yourself up for using drugs (I’m guessing things like marijuana?) to survive. If that’s what it takes to get you through the day, all while eating and sleeping and not having anxiety attacks, then I say what you’re doing is a type of self care.
I understand having to cut back for the sake of work is going to suck, but that isn’t your fault either. This is what I hate about the ‘war on drugs’. The people who need help the most are turned into criminals, and no one benefits.
You aren’t a bad person; doing drugs for coping reasons is not a bad thing in and of itself. I have a friend with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia who uses marijuana and Vicodin (which she only recently was able to afford to go to the doctor and get a prescription for, Thanks Obama!). The drugs are what keep her going, what help her cope with the pain and the anxiety. And at the same time, she’s going to grad school and is one of the most intelligent and compassionate people I know. We do what we need to do to survive, and that’s okay.
PS: You aren’t doing anything wrong. Shitty things are being done to you, other people are intentionally making things hard for you. The fact that you are a brilliant and compassionate person still, in spite of all the shit, just proves how awesome you really are. One you can cut the toxic people out of your life for good and stand on your own for a while, things will get better!
Drugs have helped me a lot, I admit. I’ve been smoking weed since the age of 15, and started smoking heavily by the age of 17. Without it, I am constantly anxious and therefore lose my appetite for most of the day. (Unless there is somehow some other mental influence that reduces my anxiety.) It also helps me with nausea sometimes, although that’s just a minor thing in my view. I’ve also tried the psychedelic drug LSD a long time ago, which was fun but definitely very risky for someone with my fragile mental state. It didn’t hurt me, but I’ll probably never do it again unless I am emotionally stable later on in life.
I guess the good thing is that I used to think weed was literally ruining my brain due to having started smoking at such an early age. But it turns out that it’s just my anxiety that is messing with cognitive functions such as memory.
I second the rest. If you need drugs to get through a particularly rough part of your life, do what you have to do. It’s better than having a complete breakdown, never eating or whatever the alternative is.
I already had a bowl. It’s awful that I have become dependent on drugs again, but at least now my suicidal thinking has abated significantly. I was having very violent, self-loathing thoughts of suicide that I don’t want to repeat here. Of course I can cope with such thoughts without the aid of drugs, but it’s a lot more mentally draining. Fortunately I’m good at making sure I’m safe and completely unable to access anything or any place that aid in a suicide attempt (i.e. I stay far away from sharp objects), so I’m not at a huge risk of harming myself at all.
In better news, my sister took this picture of me on a hike earlier today, and I look more femme than ever in it: http://i.imgur.com/vRtEhlc.jpg
With all of the stress going on, it’s nice to see a picture of myself that eases my dysphoria a bit. And even with my hair still at an awkward length, I ended up looking femme anyway because of the way my hair is at my bangs. ^__^
That’s a cool pic, Ally! And yes, very femme. Your hair is going to be amazing when it grows out. Wrong time of year for it, but slouch caps would help frame it round your face while it’s still shortish (plus they look lovely themselves, even if I do say so as a frequent knitter of them).
We Hunted The Mammoth
What I really find objectionable here is political parties advertising themselves in schools and workplaces and public service facilities like hospitals. I support freeze peach in open space, neutrality with captive audiences.
All right, so I was alluding to this in the newest comment thread, but I don’t want to derail it too much.
[CN: sexual harassment]
A few hours ago I was having an argument with some old acquaintances of mine in this private forum. (I foolishly thought I could have a decent discussion with them) I’m not really on good terms with a lot of them because a lot of them are entitled white men who gloat about their “hilarious” rape-related humor. Anyway, somehow the subject of sexual harassment came up and I started talking about how hurtful sexual harassment has been for me. In particular, I mentioned that I have encountered a lot of male harassers with rapey attitudes towards me.
One guy said he flat-out didn’t believe me because he thinks I overreact and call all male-female interactions rape, even though I never said such a thing. Another user said that he thought being instructed to not violate women’s boundaries is “vague”. Yet another user joked about me being afraid of being raped by a man “innocently” talking to me. And then there was a user who told me that being a victim of theft is worse than being a victim of sexual harassment. This was after I described the details of my sexual harassment, saying I’ve been touched, talked to inappropriately, etc.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just overly-sensitive, but hearing all of that was really hurtful. It’s like they had zero empathy and just tried to joke about me instead. I almost want to cry because of all of this. Not a word of understanding or sincerity. Just rape jokes. I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t believe I used to consider them friends.
>_< You are *definitely* not over-sensitive, Ally. It's really hard not to think that everyone thinks that way when you get so much push back. They are so fucking wrong.
Ally, that’s awful!
You aren’t overly sensitive. Their behavior is atrocious and unconscionable, and it’s coupled with the betrayal of tattered friendship. You are not at fault. They are jerks of high jerk-caliber.
Any internet hugs you want are yours.
Thanks, everyone. I’m trying to get over it now by distracting myself with writing. It’s not helping, but I’ll hopefully get over it eventually by “waiting it out” or whatever.
Person A telling another person that they are being “too sensitive” is a tell that Person A is bullying.
It’s the same as when people get told that they’re “too PC”, “need to get a sense of humour”, “blowing things out of proportion”. These types of comments are markers that the person saying them is in a position of power relative to the person who is upset. It is also denying the emotions that the people are experiencing, and being told zie’s emotions are wrong is about the worst thing you can do to zie.
Because only you can authenticate your own emotions. Anyone else who tells you otherwise can step on Lego bricks and has marked themselves as an emotionally stunted individual. In particular, as there is a history of telling less priviledged people that their lived experience is wrong.
Fuck that.
So, doing my first official ride along on the paramedic rig, watching them do their ALS thing and assisting as BLS. Bumped the duration to 24 hours. First 16 have been ridiculously busy. Hoping things slow down for the next few.
The good news is that even though there were a lot of calls, no one needed CPR, no one needed intubation, and we did some smooth pull outs.
Sleeping now. Hoping not to be awoken by pager. Eight hours, town, you can do this! Everyone, stay safe, wear seatbelts, life vests, helmets, and all that jazz. Life savers, literally! (End PSA)
I just had another frightening dream about my dad. Well, at least frightening to me. I was staying at my sister’s house (which was somehow part of a party-themed restaurant? IDK) and right after this one party ended with all sorts of people my dad would have called “un-Islamic”, he stormed in and started scrutinizing the whole place. He started talking about how I was such a horrible, disgusting child for staying at a “house of sin” and then somehow knew that I was eating junk food a while ago, so he looked at my mother and said “Make sure he [sic] never eats more than one snack a month.” Overall he just kept scanning the whole damn house looking for evidence that I was a disobedient, worthless child (like he has done in the past in order to “discipline” me).
I was starting to experience so much anxiety that I felt it in the dream. My heart was starting to race because I was dreading the possibility that he would have control over my life even after I try to get away from him. And then my mom woke me up.
@Ally
You aren’t being oversensative. They sound like exremetly lacking-in-sympathy douches. Internet hugs from me, if you want htem.
And that dream sounds sucky too đ
So freaking terrified for marinerachel right now. I don’t know what the hell I can do for her, and…
…I want her to be okay so badly.
If you want to try and support her, the main conversations on the AntiMRA protest. I just don’t know what to do, because I can’t fucking do anything from across a damned border, and she sounds like other friends who were suicidal and I wasn’t able to help them and…
God. Please let her be okay. Heartbroken and hurt by a miscarriage, fine. That can be healed. Just please let her be okay.
@contrapangloss
I know how you feel. I’m really scared as well. It’s hard for me to concentrate on anything, and I can barely even sleep. I’m so worried about her. đ I really hope she’ll be okay. She is a lovely user and I can’t bear the thought of the worst case scenario…
She sounds like my boss/friend sounded just before he took his life two weeks ago – drowning in pain.
Marinerachel is safe, last I heard, on the other thread.
If anyone wants to join in on care-packaging, let me know. My email is my nym at hotmail. Please say your nym and whether you want a separate update, or want to join the group update, for care package-y activities.
She has my contact info, if she feels like reaching out again, and we’re going to do our best to make sure she can get all the support we can give. This community is absolutely amazing.
So all of my plans are probably going to backfire unless something miraculous happens. My dad keeps asking me about who I’m going to stay with. I can’t afford to let him know because my friend and I are trying to keep her house a safe space away from any abusers, but of course how the fuck am I going to tell my dad that I don’t want him to know the address of the apartment because he’s abusive? I’ll have to either tell him everything or just not stay at my friend’s place. She (and everyone else, for that matter) doesn’t deserve to be endangered by him.
I’m going to try to write an email explaining that I’m not interested in disclosing my location because I need to live away from family for now and my therapist agrees that it’s a good idea. It’s going to be a highly triggering experience for me, but I have no choice. It’s my only (albeit very, very slim) chance of salvaging my plans by getting him to back off. It’s very likely that I’ll just have to go back to my dad’s house if nothing works out.
I was considering a restraining order, but there is no evidence whatsoever for his abuse and even if we could get one, all that would happen would be complete chaos in the family, directed at me. And besides, I know it will hurt him deeply. I still love him on some level and I can’t bear the thought of making him feel betrayed again, even if it’s not actually betrayal.
I’m trapped, as usual, and I always will be. I never had hope in the first place. I’m such a fucking idiot. Why did I ever think I had hope in the first place? I’m nothing.
Ally, I’m so sorry for your situation, but please don’t give up. đ
[CN: drugs]
I have reached the point at which I can no longer tolerate interaction – or even thinking about interaction – with my dad unless I’m high all the time. All I want to do is get high and never think about a thing in my life. I’m sick and tired of all the heartbreaks, frustrations, abuse, and lack of luck in my life. I so badly want things to get better but they just fucking aren’t. What am I doing wrong? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m going to stop drugs pretty soon since I have to look for jobs, many of which require a drug test. So I’m not going to stay a druggie for much longer. But things are going to get a lot harder for me at the same time because of that. Anxiety attacks are the fucking best. At least stopping drugs will reduce the number of reasons I have for hating myself.
Ally, DO NOT go back to your dad’s.
You are wonderful, amazing, clever, and funny when you choose to be; you deserve way better than anything he can give you.
Is there any way you could set up a separate folder in your email to dump all his stuff in without reading it? Keep in contact with the non-abusive family members, for sure, so they know you’re safe. However, the father-beast deserves nothing from you.
Whatever you decide, we’ll be hoping for the best and sending all the positive thoughts.
Going to your dad’s, though, is not a good idea. Please, don’t.
Ally, don’t beat yourself up for using drugs (I’m guessing things like marijuana?) to survive. If that’s what it takes to get you through the day, all while eating and sleeping and not having anxiety attacks, then I say what you’re doing is a type of self care.
I understand having to cut back for the sake of work is going to suck, but that isn’t your fault either. This is what I hate about the ‘war on drugs’. The people who need help the most are turned into criminals, and no one benefits.
You aren’t a bad person; doing drugs for coping reasons is not a bad thing in and of itself. I have a friend with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia who uses marijuana and Vicodin (which she only recently was able to afford to go to the doctor and get a prescription for, Thanks Obama!). The drugs are what keep her going, what help her cope with the pain and the anxiety. And at the same time, she’s going to grad school and is one of the most intelligent and compassionate people I know. We do what we need to do to survive, and that’s okay.
tl;dr, Doing drugs =/= bad.
PS: You aren’t doing anything wrong. Shitty things are being done to you, other people are intentionally making things hard for you. The fact that you are a brilliant and compassionate person still, in spite of all the shit, just proves how awesome you really are. One you can cut the toxic people out of your life for good and stand on your own for a while, things will get better!
[CN: drugs]
Drugs have helped me a lot, I admit. I’ve been smoking weed since the age of 15, and started smoking heavily by the age of 17. Without it, I am constantly anxious and therefore lose my appetite for most of the day. (Unless there is somehow some other mental influence that reduces my anxiety.) It also helps me with nausea sometimes, although that’s just a minor thing in my view. I’ve also tried the psychedelic drug LSD a long time ago, which was fun but definitely very risky for someone with my fragile mental state. It didn’t hurt me, but I’ll probably never do it again unless I am emotionally stable later on in life.
I guess the good thing is that I used to think weed was literally ruining my brain due to having started smoking at such an early age. But it turns out that it’s just my anxiety that is messing with cognitive functions such as memory.
I second the rest. If you need drugs to get through a particularly rough part of your life, do what you have to do. It’s better than having a complete breakdown, never eating or whatever the alternative is.
[CN: suicidal thoughts, violence, drugs]
I already had a bowl. It’s awful that I have become dependent on drugs again, but at least now my suicidal thinking has abated significantly. I was having very violent, self-loathing thoughts of suicide that I don’t want to repeat here. Of course I can cope with such thoughts without the aid of drugs, but it’s a lot more mentally draining. Fortunately I’m good at making sure I’m safe and completely unable to access anything or any place that aid in a suicide attempt (i.e. I stay far away from sharp objects), so I’m not at a huge risk of harming myself at all.
In better news, my sister took this picture of me on a hike earlier today, and I look more femme than ever in it: http://i.imgur.com/vRtEhlc.jpg
With all of the stress going on, it’s nice to see a picture of myself that eases my dysphoria a bit. And even with my hair still at an awkward length, I ended up looking femme anyway because of the way my hair is at my bangs. ^__^
That’s a cool pic, Ally! And yes, very femme. Your hair is going to be amazing when it grows out. Wrong time of year for it, but slouch caps would help frame it round your face while it’s still shortish (plus they look lovely themselves, even if I do say so as a frequent knitter of them).
Thanks, kitteh. It really means a lot to hear that from you. =)