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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: Very Belated May 2014 Edition

Le chien, so chic
Le chien, so chic

An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.

As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.

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weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

My cousin’s 5 year old daughter was just diagnosed with Asperger’s. 🙁

Does anyone happen to have a link to some good online reading material about the genetic component of autism? My brother is autistic, my mother’s cousin’s daughter is too and now this. It seems to run in my family. I did some internet research in the early aughts but there must be a lot more up to date studies released since then.

Luzbelitx
7 years ago

Ok, this is my first personal post on a personal stuff thread.

By the end of next week I’ll be attending an audience for alimony, which my daughter’s father stopped paying around August. Since then I had to move out of the tiny place I was renting, but luckily I talked to my family and they agreed I could live in my grandparents’ home (both of them passed away in the past few years) until it’s sold.

This is just one more step in a long, long story. When we broke up our child wasn’t one year old, he tricked me into a court audience were I got a very crappy deal, which meant a ridiculously low amount of money, and he visited her a few hours on weekends. Nearly all I did during that “negotiation” was cry. I’m still amazed my then-lawyer thought it was a godd idea to sign that.

We were able to make a way more decent arrangement with private lawyers two years ago (mine was provided by my worker union), without going to court. Of course, it was all started because he threatened with not paying anymore.

And then one day he showed up and said he’d been fired from his new job in a well known IT company (with great salary and benefits) and he just didn’t feel like looking for a new job in the same field, or in any big company or involving 8 hour shifts at all, because it was “too stressing” for him. I can’t believe he said that with a straight face, since that’s the kind of job I’m keeping because I have to raise a child.

So his brilliant plan was to start from scratch as a freelance yoga teacher and Chinese medicines and nothing related to jobs that pay taxes or have health benefits, and since he won’t be making as much money as before -no problem, he won’t pay alimony! Problem solved, right?

I found a new lawyer (a totally badass lady) and I sued him. Court process here requires two instances of conciliation. The first one was a month ago, he managed to avoid the court notification and didn’t show up. So my lawyer pulled some sort of law trick and now the court considers him notified and he must attend the next one. If he doesn’t, it’ll be hold against him in the actual trial (but he will buy a few months of time)

In the mean time, I had to live with a third of my income cut off. Not nice and not easy but hey, I’m still standing. And I also have my compañero who’s been there for me all the time, and we went through the hard times together, as family. Since I moved to my family’s house, about a month ago, things have gotten much better.

I’m a bit nervous about the upcoming audience, but mostly I’m really worn out by this whole situation.

I need a fucking break.

Luzbelitx
7 years ago

That’s why they always yell about trans women “ignoring biological facts.”

…which is eerily simmilar to what MRAs yell about all women.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

Have some good vibes and thoughts from me, Luzbelitx. Hope everything works out for the best for you.

Luzbelitx
7 years ago

Thank you grumpycatisagirl!

cloudiah
7 years ago

I hope it all goes as well as possible, Luzbelitx! What a rough situation.

Bad_dog
Bad_dog
7 years ago

@ K
You’re handling a lot at 19, and it sounds like you are doing the best you can. By the sounds of it you have a realistic understanding of your situation as well. You deserve all the hugs for juggling all that. Honestly, I’m 30 and I’m not sure if I could handle things… Anyway, I don’t really have much for advice, sadly. You could suggest to your boyfriend that he take on a part time job to help out while getting freelancing set up?

All the hugs for anyone else who wants them too…

I rarely comment but lurk a lot… And I think I left a personal thread comment a few months ago when I was pretty down… I’m in a slightly better place now. Going to see family across the country in a few days and I’m really looking forward to the visit. I’m still pretty lonely and I have only one close friend in the whole friken province at the moment. I am feeling better enough now though to want to start dating seriously again. But I have no idea where to start… O.o Like noooooo clue. Online dating was a disaster for me 5 years ago, so I concider that option out. Also I’m never home because of work and I’m ridiculously shy… I think I’m going to be foreveralone. I can’t even get a cat either because of work traveling >_<

Ally S
7 years ago

I’m so pissed off at my step-dad. It’s like he refuses to empathize with anyone who doesn’t have as much stamina, endurance, and strength as he does.

LapDragon
LapDragon
7 years ago

I’m late to the thread, and I don’t really comment here much… But I just wanted to say that its been 5 months since I quit smoking.

pineapplecookies
pineapplecookies
7 years ago

Very happy for you, Inurashii! 😀 And I also don’t get TERFs at all..

Well, since last time I posted things are much better. I finally got a job – even tough it is a temp job, it is still a job! 🙂 – and my depressive moments are not as heavy as before. I am sure it has to do with the job.
I still fear the future a little bit and don’t know what to do with my life and this makes me very anxious. I am trying to relax and enjoy things.
I still have not gotten over my heartbreak which brings me really down sometimes. I am usually not like this. I usually get over it quicker, but it is not happening this time. The only thing is… I wish it would not bring me down to the point I cannot leave the home or get out of bed. However, I do sense some progress! I am trying to be optimistic!

Boogerghost
Boogerghost
7 years ago

LapDragon: Congratulations! You’re doing the right thing. 😀

kittehserf: I visited the beautiful city of Melbourne in March, miss it desperately. <3

AllyS: Hope he can learn to see outside himself. :/

Recently, FINALLY, I've been thinking seriously about grad school. In the past I would just kind of vaguely fantasize about things I thought it would be cool to BE, not things I would necessarily enjoy or feel passionate about. Or even if I was actually interested in them, they were things I couldn't count on being transfixed enough by to study, you know, NOTHING ELSE for one to two years. (I am and have always been a dabbler, lots and lots of interests, lots of breadth, not so much depth.)

I'm thinking now that the one subject that could really give me a purpose I could hold onto (in addition to a little bit of everything else on the side, of course 😉 ) is gender. It's something I can "study" for hours on end without feeling overstimulated to the point of unfocused giddiness or burning out.

Since childhood it was always so critical to me to defy any and all stereotypes – particularly gender ones – that I might have lost a piece of myself to a black-and-white misinterpretation of the cause. A very loud voice in the back of my head still associates "coolness" only with demonstrably male-dominated careers and interests. Not only am I failing women as a group if I don't excel to freaking GENIUS LEVEL in some hip STEM field, pursuing social justice as a life purpose is too "cheesy," too "girly," too "expected." That bullshit right there, in my own head, just as much as the fact that girls DO need to be allowed to take more interest in STEM, only serves as another reason I need to let myself take gender seriously as an academic subject.

I take it gender studies is kind of a small world, because I found out the program I want to apply to at LSE happens to be the same one our man Tom Martin (of chair misandry fame) once graced.

https://wehuntedthemammoth.com/2012/03/16/tom-martins-anti-male-discrimination-case-against-the-london-school-of-economics-dismissed-he-responds-by-calling-his-critics-whores/

https://wehuntedthemammoth.com/2012/03/20/highlights-of-tom-martins-recent-visit-to-man-boobz-keywords-london-school-of-economics-lawsuit-tossed-out-whore/

Anyway, I want to thank David and all you here at WHTM for giving me such an addictive and relevant resource since I started lurking way back when. It's been really significant, I think, in keeping the subject sharp in my immature, distraction-prone brain. And watching calm, level-headed criticism of misogyny work its magic is slowly teaching me to respect my own opinions out in the world (or on the actual MRA blogs, unprotected by the soothing border of mockery I prefer to view them through) instead of letting anger, self-doubt, and general despair about humanity swallow up my voice.

And if anyone wants to offer advice on or stories about gender graduate work, I'm a pretty empty sponge right now! 🙂

Ally S
7 years ago

@LapDragon

Congrats! =D

@pineapplecookies

I’m glad you’re starting to get some of your depression issues resolved. And while obviously you don’t want to experience those effects of depression you’ve described, there’s nothing wrong if you end up staying home more often eventually, sleeping in more, etc. Your well-being comes before your job. So yeah, it’s great that you’re trying to be optimistic, and I hope it works out well for you, but if you ever slip up from time to time that’s also totally okay.

scott1139
scott1139
7 years ago

I’ve read some things written by the more famous TERFs. I almost always get a feeling of “this person is VERY dangerous; they wish to destroy an entire group of people, and they must be stopped”. I am not their target, but I still sense an extreme danger behind their words.

scott1139
scott1139
7 years ago

Now that I think about it, I tend to feel that way after reading anything explicitly hateful. Which is a completely sensible reaction, really.

I feel kinda dumb now… >_<

Ally S
7 years ago

@scott1139

Pretty much. When they’re not advocating for our elimination, they’re advocating for things that kill us more slowly, such as denial of access to affordable transition healthcare. One very common reason for suicide among trans people is the inability to transition due to financial barriers, abusive family members, etc.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@Ally

I’m so pissed off at my step-dad. It’s like he refuses to empathize with anyone who doesn’t have as much stamina, endurance, and strength as he does.

Blah. ::offers hugs::

@lapdragon

I’m late to the thread, and I don’t really comment here much… But I just wanted to say that its been 5 months since I quit smoking.

Yay! congrats 😀

@pineapplecookies

Yay for your job 😀

LapDragon
LapDragon
7 years ago

well, since i quit smoking cigarettes….i took up e-cigarettes….but I have now talked to four doctors and a lung specialist, and they’ve all said the same thing….’we can’t actually say they’re safe, but they are way better than cigarettes”

Luzbelitx
7 years ago

@LapDragon doctors told me the same about homegrown pot xD

fromafar2013
7 years ago

There’s going to be an equal marriage ruling in a matter of minutes in Pennsylvania!

http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2014/05/pennsylvania-ruling-due-after-2pm.html#disqus_thread

I’m so excited! I hope it goes well.

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

Lap Dragon,
Congratulations on making it this long. I quit in 2008 and was just a horrible cranky person for 3 or 4 months. I still sometimes crave them when I drink alcohol because I started out as one of those people who only smokes while drinking.

LapDragon
LapDragon
7 years ago

@weirwoodtreehugger I was cranky for about a month. Talked to a friend who had also made the switch to vaping, and the conclusion we came to is that we were going through withdrawl from all the other chemicals in cigarette smoke. My biggest craving problem is when I get in the car, since when I started smoking, I couldn’t smoke in the house, so every time I got in the car, the first thing I’d do is light up

fromafar2013
7 years ago

It’s done!

“Based on the foregoing, we hold that Pennsylvania’s Marriage Laws violate both the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Because these laws are unconstitutional, we shall enter an order permanently enjoining their enforcement. By virtue of this ruling, same-sex couples who seek to marry in Pennsylvania may do so, and already married same-sex couples will be recognized as such in the Commonwealth.”

Congrats to any LGBT PA residents 😀

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@fromafar

Yay!! that’s good news 😀

Ken L.
Ken L.
7 years ago

I wanted to get everyone take on an issue I had rolling around in my head. I feel that there is massive potential for a split in the near future on the left in America. There are many issue it could be over, but the two which have struck me are the dueling “be okay with your body image/ Got work out” maybe if am overacting but as a person of 287 lbs and 5’8 this hits a little close to home. The other issue I think is the real problem is the “freedom of speech” vs. for lack of a better term “amended speech” factions. I not so much interested in the issues per say but on if they could be as divisive as I think they are. I have not made up my mind on either issue yet. So what does everyone think and do you see other issue that could cause this to happen?

Ally S
7 years ago

Oh dear. There’s another risk for tornadoes today. It’s very low but it’s enough to ruin my entire day because of the anxiety triggered by my phobia of tornadoes. I wish I had some way of calming myself down, but this phobia is nearly impossible to cope with once triggered. =(

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@Ally

::Offers hugs::

I can tell you what I do during tornado warnings to help me calm down if you want, but 1) I don’t have a phobia so it’s probably nowhere near as bad as what you’re going through and 2) obviously you don’t need to hear it if you don’t want to.

Ally S
7 years ago

Actually, if you don’t mind, I’d like to hear it. Even if it doesn’t work it’s worth a try.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@ally

oh, sure I don’t mind, I wouldn’t have offered otherwise :3

Usually when the warning comes on I get a bicycle helmet and boots on, in case it actually does hit. Those were tips I got from other mamothers. There was also a ‘have your cellphone handy in case you need to call for help’ tip, but it doesn’t make me less anxious so I don’t do it much.

I also take my pets into the hallway (safest place in our apartment) and wait until the warning’s done.

Usually I keep my helmet + boots on for a coupe hours after.

So all my tips are just ‘in case’ but it helps me feel a little better. Idk if they’d help you. But um that’s what I do.

Ally S
7 years ago

@Marie

I think all of that would help a lot if there is a tornado watch/warning issued for our area. In fact, that’s kind of like how I used to deal with my phobia – even at the age of 9 I’d call all of my family down to the basement, grab the cat, and get all of the necessary emergency supplies like batteries, radios, etc. It helped me cope a lot. Unfortunately, none of that will help me cope with my current anxiety, but I think your suggestions are still helpful. Thanks.

And now I feel that even talking about it with others is helping me calm down. Sometimes the thing that makes the phobia reach its absolute worst is the feeling of loneliness that comes when people dismiss my phobia and tell me to “get over it”. It’s been 10 years since that phobia and I’ve internalized those attitudes ever since.

Howard Bannister
7 years ago

Here’s a resource on tornadoes. By an EMT, as part of a series.

(the series is simply called medical stuff, but it includes what to do in nearly every kind of disaster, and is really very helpful)

It starts with what a tornado is and how it can hurt you, then gets into specifics about protecting yourself.

Plans and knowledge aren’t 100% anxiety-proof, but I’ve found they can really help.

Howard Bannister
7 years ago

Side note: I still remember trying to explain a phobia to a friend, and he stopped me, holding a hand up. “That’s not very logical,” he said.

I was a little sporfled. “No, exactly,” I said. “If it was logical IT WOULDN’T BE A PHOBIA.”

Didn’t get through to him at all.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@howard

tahnks for the link. reading it now.

Ally S
7 years ago

One time some smug dipshit laughed at me for saying I had a tornado phobia because “everyone is scared of tornadoes.”

Granted, I’d be surprised to find anyone who isn’t afraid of them, but nearly all of those people don’t have any phobia of tornadoes. It’s a nightmare to have this phobia – no other phobia I have consumes me this much. It was even worse when I was 9 because I felt very lonely – like I was the only kid in the world with that phobia. No one but my mom tried to console me whenever my phobia was triggered. Everyone else had one or more of the following reactions:

-“You’re being way too paranoid – stop it.”
-“Look at that cute little genius boy [sic] telling everyone about how to hide from tornadoes.”
-“Hahaha you’re already scared? Let me scare you even more just for a laugh.”

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

So I just wanted to say how much I appreciate this site because it allows me to call out the awfulness of the MRA crowd anonymously and within a community of people who truly get it. I did it under my real name yesterday and I’ve been regretting that move for the past 24 hours. Not that anything terrible has come of it except the predictable toothless insults, but still . . .

And now I’m feeling terribly depressed about that, because why should I need to hide behind anonymity just to defend feminism (and therefore obviously myself)? Messed up world.

ncc1707d
ncc1707d
7 years ago

Ally S: That is so mean! I used to have a fair number of nightmares about tornadoes back when I lived in tornado territory. My favourite fix was to hide in the bathtub with a foam mattress over the top.

I just want to offer lots of cupcakes and support to all the trans people on here – I had no idea there were so many! I’m cis, but my BFF is trans, and I was with her through her whole transition. (She was my roommate when she started, and now she’s my downstairs neighbour. Yay for keeping friends close!) I saw the hell she used to live in, and all the positive changes she’s made in her life since she’s been living as a woman. I don’t want to come of as condescending when I say that I am so proud of all of you – transitioning takes more guts than most people will ever have.

Someone mentioned the Oppression Olympics, and it reminded me of a fun game some friends and I have played – the Privilege Olympics! It’s about the same, only everybody points out what (usually ridiculous) privilege the others have. The most hilarious game we’ve had so far was between me, (a tiny pansexual cis woman with a mental illness), my BFF, (a gorgeous, skinny Latina trans dyke), and another friend, who is a big, black drag queen. It can get so silly. We worked out that my BFF had the most privilege of all of us in the context of walking down the street, because she presents as a tall, thin, beautiful woman. Until the wind lifts her skirt, at which point all privilege transfers to me. But we got confused with Rob/Rain, because we had no idea how many male privilege points should be lost if the male is fat and black, and dresses as a woman sometimes. 😉

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@Ally

One time some smug dipshit laughed at me for saying I had a tornado phobia because “everyone is scared of tornadoes.”

What a douche :/

@grumpycatisagirl

I did it under my real name yesterday and I’ve been regretting that move for the past 24 hours. Not that anything terrible has come of it except the predictable toothless insults, but still . . .

::offers hugs:: I hope you’re okay.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

Thanks for the hugs, Marie. I’m fine. I mean it’s not like it was even remotely a traumatic experience but I’m just reflecting on the absurdity of worrying about combating MRA through under my real name. “oh, I shouldn’t speak up for the movement that supports my rights as a human being. it’s going to be on the internet permanently.”

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

“through” s/b “thought.” Such as it is.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: Ken

“be okay with your body image/ Got work out”

I’m not sure I entirely understand what you’re asking, but for me, the two things are not correlated. You can be okay with your body image and not be healthy. You can be healthy and not okay with your body image. I’m trans and recovering from an eating disorder, and my body image issues had nothing to do with exercise, and couldn’t be cured with exercise.

So I don’t see it as worthy of a split, because they aren’t even arguing mutually exclusive things. That said, I wish people would STFU about exercise being a panacea and stop acting like losing weight = health.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

Also, bleh, just feeling kinda weird today, guys. Money has been tight, because my disability payments have been docked for income I don’t have, and today I found out my parents (we’re estranged) are traveling to Africa.

I don’t know. It’s like, when they do send me checks, I tear them up and pretend I never got them, and it’s not like I want to be back in their company, it’s just WEIRD living on less than $700 a month, fighting to get my food stamps app redone (they dropped the ball on me. Again) and it’s like, oh yeah, my parents are traveling overseas because they can do that. Humans can do that. I used to do that.

Being poor and disabled and estranged from family sucks. Praying that one of my stories sells to get me more than $30 for the rest of the month is ass.

Just blah. I’ma go back to listening to Bruce Springsteen and Tom Waits now.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@grumpcatisagirl

. I mean it’s not like it was even remotely a traumatic experience but I’m just reflecting on the absurdity of worrying about combating MRA through under my real name.

well, it’s good to hear it wasn’t traumatic. Still sucks that they were being jerks though.

@LBT

I couldn’t tell what Ken was saying either, so I didn’t respond.

::offers hugs:: Sorry to hear about your food stamps/money troubles 🙁 That sucks.

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

Sorry, LBT.

I wish things were better.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

It’s okay, like things will get better, I just have to get my goddamn food stamps app pushed through. It’s just so aggravating, because I’ve lived in this state less than six months and they’ve dropped the ball on my voting registration, my food stamps, my health insurance, and three times on my disability alone! Nothing I have done in this fucking state has gone right on the first time; it’s always them forgetting to send paperwork, or forgetting to call, or dropping me between the cracks because of bureaucratic reshuffling…

At this point, the poverty line just seems like some faraway dream not even worth thinking about. I’d be happy on just $800 a month. Yeah, $800 sounds amazing…

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

Ken,
There are people who are fat, OK with their body image AND work out.
Citizen Radio does, imo, a good job of encouraging health and fitness without damning any body type. I don’t think there needs to be factions there.
Elyse Anders at Skepchick had a great article about how it’s OK not to love your body. It’s your body and you don’t have to feel a certain way about it. She’s a cancer survivor who runs marathons. She’s lost all kinds of weight and she doesn’t think her butt is fantastic. She isn’t ashamed of it either. I like her point of view. If beauty is important to someone, I think that’s fine. They should go for it and be as beautiful as they wanna be. I don’t think we all need to be or feel beautiful to matter.

ncc1707d
ncc1707d
7 years ago

@LBT: I second your opinion that being poor and having to somehow survive on disability payments sucks major ass. I’m working on a bunch of tiny paintings right now, so I can take them to the park and try to sell some on the weekend. Otherwise, I’m flat broke and will have to beg money from my mum again, and I hate doing that. She’s got little enough as is. The estranged, abusive father-creature could afford to help out, but won’t, because he “doesn’t believe in” mental illness. I’ve got to admit though, if he were to send me a cheque, I’d cash it. Not because I don’t hate him, but because I just need the money. Struggling through the nausea at even seeing his handwriting on the envelope is worth a bit of cash, if I need that cash badly enough.

Ken L.
Ken L.
7 years ago

@LBT

you got i right, even if did not say it right. The messages that catch my attention have to do with weight so i may be focused on that over any other body issues.although right now their not conflicting i could see were the could be. that one is more of a fear the free speech thing I see as the real problem.

also great choice of music nothing like Springsteen to inspire. hope thing get better for you.

Ken L.
Ken L.
7 years ago

@Lea

I think the same, i didn’t mean to say their are but that there is a possibility. I was more concerned with the probability of the left fracturing then what causes the fracture.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: Winter Walker

I’ve got to admit though, if he were to send me a cheque, I’d cash it.

I don’t blame you for that; money is money. In my case, giving them absolutely no access to me is more important than money, especially since I know things will be okay if I just make it to June. Then I can throw another writeathon and start making proper profit again.

RE: Ken L.

Ah, okay. In the case of weight… again, to me they aren’t necessarily the same thing. I’ve known fat anorexics. I’ve also known fat people who could punt me over a fence. Some people’s weight changes drastically with diet exercise; other folks don’t. So yeah, the messages still aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, but I’d rather folks stop policing bodies that they don’t have to live in.

Ally S
7 years ago

@ncc1707d

I really hope this doesn’t come across as jumping on you, but I have a few things to say:

(a gorgeous, skinny Latina trans dyke)

I’m assuming that you’re calling her a dyke because she identifies with that term? I just want to confirm since a lot of non-lesbians call other lesbians dykes against their will, assuming that all lesbians are okay with being called dykes.

We worked out that my BFF had the most privilege of all of us in the context of walking down the street, because she presents as a tall, thin, beautiful woman. Until the wind lifts her skirt, at which point all privilege transfers to me.

Please bear in mind that, while passing privilege does exist, it doesn’t grant passing trans women cis privilege. At best it’s conditional privilege, which doesn’t really count as privilege. It’s kind of like how a lot lesbians aren’t recognized as lesbians immediately, but they are still oppressed by lesbophobia.

Also, I still live in “guy mode” as a trans girl, and I have received a lot of transmisogynistic abuse and harassment. Despite the fact that I’m presenting as male. So yeah, while passing can potentially insulate one from abuse and harassment, it usually isn’t the case.

Again, I’m sorry if I seem like I’m attacking you, but I’m a little sensitive to stuff like this these days. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from – and I’ll note that I’m a trans lesbian as well.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: inu

I am shocked, SHOCKED by this news. 😉 Congratulations. You’re stronger than me; I’m not even the person the TERFS hate most, and I can’t handle their bullshit.

RE: WWTH

Does anyone happen to have a link to some good online reading material about the genetic component of autism?

The Austism Self-Advocacy Network might have some useful stuff! I’ve got friends who are involved with them and speak highly of them.