I picked my username here as a spur of the moment response to the crap the doodz fling, but it doesn’t really make me happy, since it’s a) a response and not a positive one and b) way too gendered for me (people perceive me as a certain gender IRL, but it’s not who I actually am).
But I know there’s a pretty strict sock rule here, but is there was a way for me to change my username without triggering the rule?
But I know there’s a pretty strict sock rule here, but is there was a way for me to change my username without triggering the rule?
I think people have changed their names before. I mean, you won’t really be socking, you’ll just be saying ‘hey, I’m not moldybrehd anymore, I’m [new name]’
I guess my point is I don’t think it really will seem like you’re socking.
Unfibinothe
10 years ago
@Moldybrehd
You’re fine changing name, if you point out who you are / were. Happens all the time 🙂
I’ve changed my nym a lot ever since I’ve hung around on MBZ/WHTM. First I was mxe354, then Aaliyah, then Ally S, then trans_commie/Trans Commie, and now Ally S. I’ve mentioned that I’m the same person every time and no one here (not even David) has had a problem with it. So I think as long as you say you used to be moldybrehd, you’re in the clear.
I’m getting over a cold and it’s getting towards bedtime. I have really, really thick mucus dripping into my throat and tickling just enough to keep me awake. Should I use an expectorant or a cough suppressant? Or both?
Bad_dog
10 years ago
Hi all… This comment will get long. And possibly be triggery (possible mental health issues and emotional abuse)
I have a really sticky mental health question. It’s about my mom. I’m not trying to armchair diagnose but I have lived with her until I was 19 then moved out for school (plus couldn’t really handle her anymore). I’m 30 now. I know very little about mental health other than depression, and even then I am not well informed. I just know something is (and always has been) wrong and I think she needs help before she chases her entire immediate family away (already her extended family is done with her and I don’t blame them). I just want to outline a few of the behaviors because I need advice. I can’t take this anymore. I think she may be abusive. I didn’t realize this fully until I moved out.
Anyway, I don’t want to say my mom’s life was easy. From what I gather she had a tough relationship with her family (but I don’t know now if this is true or if she made it up later. Her family was never an issue when I was young, but then one day when I was older they were all “evil”, manipulative, or out to get her). Actually I don’t know how hard her life really was anymore. I can not separate fact from her fiction. She said she was forced out of her career when I was 9ish. But at the time my understanding was that she quit. But now she says she was forced out. My dad had the same career and worked until pension time, because you know he had to support us. She verbally attacks him constantly about getting to keep his career and that he took hers away.
She always has a woe is me, victim attitude. When experiencing any kind of major or minor set back (literally anything from getting a ticket, getting billed wrong, someone framing her painting wrong… We’re talking normal life setbacks here) its always because someone or a group of people is against her, and are coordinating her downfall. The someone, or group of people constantly changes to whatever scapegoat she has that day. It can range from my dad (her husband), the faculty at the local university, her father or her family, my friends, me, catholic people, Muslim people, immigrants (not even kidding you), politicians, the Americans, other random people she knows… This list just goes on and to tell you the truth I just lose track of who is at fault for what anymore. Typically we an all placate her attitude by just agreeing with her or tiptoeing around her feelings. All the fucking time. But then a couple times a year either we just can’t placate her any longer or someone makes an innocent comment and it sets her off.
Her blows ups are all eerily similar. It involves first getting mad over the immediate thing that gets her mad, then escalates. Next thing we know she is screaming at us for every problem she has ever had, and everyone else is at fault and how can we not see it. This can go on for a few hours to days, where literally all she does is scream about how she worked so hard but still everyone is out to get her. Why would anyone be out to get her? That also changes. It has been everything from she is a women, she is older, she is ex-military (never been in combat pr anything even close so this not PTSD), she is married, she is a mother… Again this changes.
I am home for a week and yesterday was another blow up. She was crapping on everyone, insulting my friends and I just couldn’t take it. I told her to basically knock it off because I was just sick of it. Then that brought on her first round of my life’s so haaaarrddd and it’s everyone else’s fault. Typically I just let it go here and we usually agree with everything she says and diffuse. But last night I was like fuck this noise and told her knock it off again. And this brought on the blow up. She basically told me that since I was not as highly qualified with as much experience as her and I wasn’t allowed to disagree with her. And that she basically knows more than all of us about everything and unless she wants an opinion on what I specially took in school I should just shut up. I’m just so fucking tired of lying down and taking her shit. Then my dad tried to diffuse and she just got him involved, and it ended with her accusing him of abusing her (damn well never happened). At one point she got directly in my face life she was going to punch me, and my father, fearing for my safety pulled her back (one hand by the shoulder gently) and she tried to say he was abusing her. Then accused us both of having a personality disorder. Eventually everyone went to bed, in a horrible state of mind.
This morning I get up. She is waiting at the kitchen table, with a bunch of old law text books and saying she read all of them and knows the law (what relevance this had to anything I had no idea, but none of her rants ever relate to the one before. It is a non sequitur of awfulness). Apparently I ruined her day, I ruined her week, and she said she will likely never come visit me where I live. She has also written down every single bad thing to ever happen to her and who is responsible (we’re talking everything from not being hired for work to framing a painting wrong). She seems to think she will bring all these people to justice. All this because I dared to “talk back” to her last night.
And now while I sit her typing this, she just accused my father of being on drugs while he is working. And just this morning she passive aggressively paid me back for helping with groceries the other day. I left the money on the table. She told me to put it away as “my dad has been known to steal”. And told me to lock the bathroom door… in an ominous, creepy, insinuating way. I’m so fucking sick of her shit. I’m sick of her making things up that don’t exist just because she feels short changed in life. I want her to get help. She legitimately believes the things she says. I don’t know how to say this but the way she strings things together and mixes events and timelines sounds delusional. Most times i cant even make sense of what she is mad at. She’ll mix two events or stories and expect me to understand, The only reason I don’t leave right now is that she has no one else. She is too horrible to everyone. If I leave she will abuse my dad and my brother more. And make it seem like it is all our fault.
I don’t know what to do. I am so confused I feel like this is all my fault. I should have just shut up. I want to leave but the thought of her having no one hurts too much. She does a lot for our family and legit cares, but sometimes it’s also like we owe her for what she does for us. And to pay that back we can’t disagree or say what she doesn’t like ever, because to her that is abuse… But she sure as hell is allowed to call me a bitch and tell me I deserve it. I want her to get help and told her she needs to change things, but she is so caught up in this delusion that we’re all against her I can never see her voluntarily getting help. I need help, I need advice. Is this mental health or is this just abuse?
It could easily go either way. If you could convince her to meet with a psychiatrist, they would be able to tell.
I’d lean towards mental illness. There are a few adult onset disorders that cause paranoia and delusions. Some can be fairly well managed with medication or behavioral therapy. They don’t generally cause violence, though.
Talk to a therapist for yourself, too, if you can afford it. Regardless of whether it’s abuse or illness, you will need a support system for yourself. This situation is absolutely not your fault, and there is nothing wrong with you.
Caregiver is an uber stressful role. Especially with loved ones.
If you can convince her to let herself be evaluated, try that way first. If she’s just abusive, a visit to a psychiatrist won’t hurt her.
Just in case she is abusive and not ill, make sure you’ve always got an exit.
Good luck. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your family. Internet hugs and good thoughts coming your way.
I’m not a psychiatrist, so don’t depend on me! Get thee to a real one!
Seriously, though, in case of abusiveness, please keep an exit planned. Get out if you are scared.
Fear is okay.
This is not your fault.
Hugs.
Bad_dog
10 years ago
Thanks.
I at least realized I need help this time. For 20+ years I’ve been hiding that this is happening. When I was a a child… Not sure what age her family had her removed from my grandparents house because she was being an all out jerkaholic on a family vacation. I don’t remember the situation that clearly because everyone was trying to protect my brother and I from the horrors of it. But being asked to leave, not leave then being “escorted away” by police officers ended her a night in an institution or hospital (not sure… No one is “allowed” to talk about this) due to her behavior and just generally being not cooperative and verbally abusive. Now she is super untrusting of anything psychiatry-related because according to her, “everyone” is just out to put her in an institution and take everything from her… So her seeking help on her own is not going to happen. Someday I fear she will do something to someone other than family and it will land her some place, and that would just “prove” that her “fears” were entirely correct.
I have some serious brain broke right about now. I think the misogyny and hatred that runs rampant is finally getting to me. That and a lot of IRL stress. 🙁
Definitely look into talking with someone if you can. I have had some similar experiences with my own mother. I didn’t realize until I was in rehab for other issues the effects being in the “caregiver” role can have on the way you perceive things. I spent my childhood desperately trying to keep my family on an even keel as well. I can relate to a lot of your story – worried about leaving other family members with her, dealing with police intervention, the rapid escalation of anger. Not to sound cold, but I think that speaking to a professional is even more important (and attainable) for you than for her right now. Hang in there.
hellkell
10 years ago
bad_cat: Hugs. My mother is very similar and we had a blowup yesterday. If you can talk to someone, please do, I know it helped me years ago.
I don’t want to internet diagnose my mother, but there are some things I’ve read about narcissism that make me go “AHA!” It’s like most people if they stepped on your foot would say excuse me and step off, but my mother wants to know why you put your foot out there to be stepped on in the first place.
I know it’s rough and you worry about your dad, but living away from them is a good thing.
Testing out new name. And giving Jedi hugs to everyone who wants or needs one.
Bad_dog
10 years ago
hellkell, I read some things online and came to a similar conclusion. I think mum, upon stepping on a foot, would accuse the stepped on of trying to trip her -_-
This is totally not easy. But I am getting interwebs and friend support, which is really saving me right now. Another friend of mine has been going through similar things with his wife. Luckily for him and his family she was able to be talked into getting help. I will seek the advice of a professional when I return to my home. I am out of methods for diffusing blow ups and protecting others so I really need the assist. This afternoon we were able to diffuse the tension but going out to a bookstore and browsing for awhile. Gives non-confrontational conversation topics and just gets us out.
Thanks again for the kind words.
Bad_dog
10 years ago
Alice, you’re not alone there… The rampant Internet asshattery that has sprouted full-bloom since the shooting in CA has me pretty down too along with my aforementioned problems at home… Faith in humanity has been at an all-time low.
A few days ago though I was able to spend time with my best friend and her 1.5 year old little girl. We took her to the pet store and adorableness ensued. I had to buy a can of fish food, which she promptly decided to carry for me, and hold it up to the faces of all the dog and cat pictures she saw to try and “feed” them. It was precious.
I wish I could offer some advice, especially since I can relate to your situation a bit. But if I knew how to help you out, I’d already have a much better relationship with my dad. So all I can offer are hugs.
I just want to thank everyone here – and in other feminist/womanist and trans-friendly spaces, online and otherwise – for being so supportive. Everything from validation when I talk about abuse in my life to katz going as far as to help me get away from my dad’s house has all been so helpful and meaningful. If it weren’t for all of my supportive friends and family I’d still be completely lost. And I do still feel lost frequently. Today in the library I was ruminating on my experiences of abuse, and I remembered a lot frightening, triggering things that happened to me, like the times my sister’s ex fat-shamed me and made sexually demeaning comments about my body. I tried to write all of these things down but it wasn’t cathartic as I expected. I just felt more anxious and distressed because I described them in great detail.
Because of all of that, I expected the rest of my day to get much worse. But it didn’t. It got better somehow, probably because of going to those trans support group meetings. I am finally starting to heal on a more significant level and tell myself truthfully and bluntly that I don’t deserve to be hurt, I don’t deserve to be treated like trash, and I don’t deserved to be shamed and mocked for my body despite my own dysphoria regarding it. And the thing that makes me really happy is that I’ve never had this much confidence in myself. After the meeting I felt so appreciative of my friends, my family, and even myself that I was able to say “I love you” to my sister as she was leaving our house. Most of the time, I’m just too afraid to even say the L-word because I feel like I don’t deserve to use it for some reason. But tonight I just said it without any shyness or anxiety. I felt like myself for the first time in ages.
I’m slowly breaking down that vicious thought pattern that tells me “You’re only trying to be more positive because you’re crazy, narcissistic, and at the breaking point of your sanity.” It still pervades a great deal of my thoughts, but it’s starting to disappear. Never before have I felt this confident and determined to come out to the rest of my family. Maybe it will be peaceful, maybe it won’t – but either way I feel far more prepared to deal with the consequences of coming out, good or bad. I’m still afraid of a lot of things, like my step-mom potentially trying to physically abuse me for being “gay” and me never being able to see my little sisters for a long time, but I have faith that things won’t be disastrous as I assume they will.
Of course, it’s not like I made no efforts whatsoever in trying to put my life back together, but so many folks here and elsewhere have made that process profoundly easier. Thank you all so much. I’ll never regret coming here. I’m sorry if this comment seems really melodramatic/saccharine/whatever, but I’m just in a really appreciative and self-accepting mood right now. You folks are awesome. Please continue to be awesome!
Shiraz
10 years ago
Oh Ally S., if I could, I’d make you a nice plate of pasta right now. I’m a good cook. Take care of yourself, always.
We Hunted The Mammoth
I have a question for the Mammotheers.
I picked my username here as a spur of the moment response to the crap the doodz fling, but it doesn’t really make me happy, since it’s a) a response and not a positive one and b) way too gendered for me (people perceive me as a certain gender IRL, but it’s not who I actually am).
But I know there’s a pretty strict sock rule here, but is there was a way for me to change my username without triggering the rule?
@moldybrehd
I think people have changed their names before. I mean, you won’t really be socking, you’ll just be saying ‘hey, I’m not moldybrehd anymore, I’m [new name]’
I guess my point is I don’t think it really will seem like you’re socking.
@Moldybrehd
You’re fine changing name, if you point out who you are / were. Happens all the time 🙂
( guess who. I doubt anyone needs a clue. )
@moldybrehd
I’ve changed my nym a lot ever since I’ve hung around on MBZ/WHTM. First I was mxe354, then Aaliyah, then Ally S, then trans_commie/Trans Commie, and now Ally S. I’ve mentioned that I’m the same person every time and no one here (not even David) has had a problem with it. So I think as long as you say you used to be moldybrehd, you’re in the clear.
Changing your nym isn’t socking. Socking is changing your nym for the purpose of passing yourself off as someone else.
Hell, in the past people have been allowed to sock as a joke (aMiRA).
Thanks! Now I just have to narrow down what to use…
Ally – I’m glad you’re seeing an end to your shitty situation.
Thanks again everyone for your thoughts about my cat. It’s hard. The website I was using to find him made a little page on his death: http://www.petsearcherscanada.com/updatecharlie-is-missing-in-vancouver-riley-park-41st-and-main-area-may-18-2014-rip/
Maude, extra hugs. I can’t think of anything else to say that you don’t already know – what a beautiful boy he was, how dreadful this is. Just – hugs.
I’m getting over a cold and it’s getting towards bedtime. I have really, really thick mucus dripping into my throat and tickling just enough to keep me awake. Should I use an expectorant or a cough suppressant? Or both?
Hi all… This comment will get long. And possibly be triggery (possible mental health issues and emotional abuse)
I have a really sticky mental health question. It’s about my mom. I’m not trying to armchair diagnose but I have lived with her until I was 19 then moved out for school (plus couldn’t really handle her anymore). I’m 30 now. I know very little about mental health other than depression, and even then I am not well informed. I just know something is (and always has been) wrong and I think she needs help before she chases her entire immediate family away (already her extended family is done with her and I don’t blame them). I just want to outline a few of the behaviors because I need advice. I can’t take this anymore. I think she may be abusive. I didn’t realize this fully until I moved out.
Anyway, I don’t want to say my mom’s life was easy. From what I gather she had a tough relationship with her family (but I don’t know now if this is true or if she made it up later. Her family was never an issue when I was young, but then one day when I was older they were all “evil”, manipulative, or out to get her). Actually I don’t know how hard her life really was anymore. I can not separate fact from her fiction. She said she was forced out of her career when I was 9ish. But at the time my understanding was that she quit. But now she says she was forced out. My dad had the same career and worked until pension time, because you know he had to support us. She verbally attacks him constantly about getting to keep his career and that he took hers away.
She always has a woe is me, victim attitude. When experiencing any kind of major or minor set back (literally anything from getting a ticket, getting billed wrong, someone framing her painting wrong… We’re talking normal life setbacks here) its always because someone or a group of people is against her, and are coordinating her downfall. The someone, or group of people constantly changes to whatever scapegoat she has that day. It can range from my dad (her husband), the faculty at the local university, her father or her family, my friends, me, catholic people, Muslim people, immigrants (not even kidding you), politicians, the Americans, other random people she knows… This list just goes on and to tell you the truth I just lose track of who is at fault for what anymore. Typically we an all placate her attitude by just agreeing with her or tiptoeing around her feelings. All the fucking time. But then a couple times a year either we just can’t placate her any longer or someone makes an innocent comment and it sets her off.
Her blows ups are all eerily similar. It involves first getting mad over the immediate thing that gets her mad, then escalates. Next thing we know she is screaming at us for every problem she has ever had, and everyone else is at fault and how can we not see it. This can go on for a few hours to days, where literally all she does is scream about how she worked so hard but still everyone is out to get her. Why would anyone be out to get her? That also changes. It has been everything from she is a women, she is older, she is ex-military (never been in combat pr anything even close so this not PTSD), she is married, she is a mother… Again this changes.
I am home for a week and yesterday was another blow up. She was crapping on everyone, insulting my friends and I just couldn’t take it. I told her to basically knock it off because I was just sick of it. Then that brought on her first round of my life’s so haaaarrddd and it’s everyone else’s fault. Typically I just let it go here and we usually agree with everything she says and diffuse. But last night I was like fuck this noise and told her knock it off again. And this brought on the blow up. She basically told me that since I was not as highly qualified with as much experience as her and I wasn’t allowed to disagree with her. And that she basically knows more than all of us about everything and unless she wants an opinion on what I specially took in school I should just shut up. I’m just so fucking tired of lying down and taking her shit. Then my dad tried to diffuse and she just got him involved, and it ended with her accusing him of abusing her (damn well never happened). At one point she got directly in my face life she was going to punch me, and my father, fearing for my safety pulled her back (one hand by the shoulder gently) and she tried to say he was abusing her. Then accused us both of having a personality disorder. Eventually everyone went to bed, in a horrible state of mind.
This morning I get up. She is waiting at the kitchen table, with a bunch of old law text books and saying she read all of them and knows the law (what relevance this had to anything I had no idea, but none of her rants ever relate to the one before. It is a non sequitur of awfulness). Apparently I ruined her day, I ruined her week, and she said she will likely never come visit me where I live. She has also written down every single bad thing to ever happen to her and who is responsible (we’re talking everything from not being hired for work to framing a painting wrong). She seems to think she will bring all these people to justice. All this because I dared to “talk back” to her last night.
And now while I sit her typing this, she just accused my father of being on drugs while he is working. And just this morning she passive aggressively paid me back for helping with groceries the other day. I left the money on the table. She told me to put it away as “my dad has been known to steal”. And told me to lock the bathroom door… in an ominous, creepy, insinuating way. I’m so fucking sick of her shit. I’m sick of her making things up that don’t exist just because she feels short changed in life. I want her to get help. She legitimately believes the things she says. I don’t know how to say this but the way she strings things together and mixes events and timelines sounds delusional. Most times i cant even make sense of what she is mad at. She’ll mix two events or stories and expect me to understand, The only reason I don’t leave right now is that she has no one else. She is too horrible to everyone. If I leave she will abuse my dad and my brother more. And make it seem like it is all our fault.
I don’t know what to do. I am so confused I feel like this is all my fault. I should have just shut up. I want to leave but the thought of her having no one hurts too much. She does a lot for our family and legit cares, but sometimes it’s also like we owe her for what she does for us. And to pay that back we can’t disagree or say what she doesn’t like ever, because to her that is abuse… But she sure as hell is allowed to call me a bitch and tell me I deserve it. I want her to get help and told her she needs to change things, but she is so caught up in this delusion that we’re all against her I can never see her voluntarily getting help. I need help, I need advice. Is this mental health or is this just abuse?
Bad dog,
It could easily go either way. If you could convince her to meet with a psychiatrist, they would be able to tell.
I’d lean towards mental illness. There are a few adult onset disorders that cause paranoia and delusions. Some can be fairly well managed with medication or behavioral therapy. They don’t generally cause violence, though.
Talk to a therapist for yourself, too, if you can afford it. Regardless of whether it’s abuse or illness, you will need a support system for yourself. This situation is absolutely not your fault, and there is nothing wrong with you.
Caregiver is an uber stressful role. Especially with loved ones.
If you can convince her to let herself be evaluated, try that way first. If she’s just abusive, a visit to a psychiatrist won’t hurt her.
Just in case she is abusive and not ill, make sure you’ve always got an exit.
Good luck. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your family. Internet hugs and good thoughts coming your way.
I’m not a psychiatrist, so don’t depend on me! Get thee to a real one!
Seriously, though, in case of abusiveness, please keep an exit planned. Get out if you are scared.
Fear is okay.
This is not your fault.
Hugs.
Thanks.
I at least realized I need help this time. For 20+ years I’ve been hiding that this is happening. When I was a a child… Not sure what age her family had her removed from my grandparents house because she was being an all out jerkaholic on a family vacation. I don’t remember the situation that clearly because everyone was trying to protect my brother and I from the horrors of it. But being asked to leave, not leave then being “escorted away” by police officers ended her a night in an institution or hospital (not sure… No one is “allowed” to talk about this) due to her behavior and just generally being not cooperative and verbally abusive. Now she is super untrusting of anything psychiatry-related because according to her, “everyone” is just out to put her in an institution and take everything from her… So her seeking help on her own is not going to happen. Someday I fear she will do something to someone other than family and it will land her some place, and that would just “prove” that her “fears” were entirely correct.
I have some serious brain broke right about now. I think the misogyny and hatred that runs rampant is finally getting to me. That and a lot of IRL stress. 🙁
Definitely look into talking with someone if you can. I have had some similar experiences with my own mother. I didn’t realize until I was in rehab for other issues the effects being in the “caregiver” role can have on the way you perceive things. I spent my childhood desperately trying to keep my family on an even keel as well. I can relate to a lot of your story – worried about leaving other family members with her, dealing with police intervention, the rapid escalation of anger. Not to sound cold, but I think that speaking to a professional is even more important (and attainable) for you than for her right now. Hang in there.
bad_cat: Hugs. My mother is very similar and we had a blowup yesterday. If you can talk to someone, please do, I know it helped me years ago.
I don’t want to internet diagnose my mother, but there are some things I’ve read about narcissism that make me go “AHA!” It’s like most people if they stepped on your foot would say excuse me and step off, but my mother wants to know why you put your foot out there to be stepped on in the first place.
I know it’s rough and you worry about your dad, but living away from them is a good thing.
bad_dog. I’m sorry I mucked up your nym.
No advice, just internet hugs for anyone who needs one.
I second the above. Good luck to all of you! I’m concentrating furiously and sending good vibes from my bunker under the sea.
Testing out new name. And giving Jedi hugs to everyone who wants or needs one.
hellkell, I read some things online and came to a similar conclusion. I think mum, upon stepping on a foot, would accuse the stepped on of trying to trip her -_-
This is totally not easy. But I am getting interwebs and friend support, which is really saving me right now. Another friend of mine has been going through similar things with his wife. Luckily for him and his family she was able to be talked into getting help. I will seek the advice of a professional when I return to my home. I am out of methods for diffusing blow ups and protecting others so I really need the assist. This afternoon we were able to diffuse the tension but going out to a bookstore and browsing for awhile. Gives non-confrontational conversation topics and just gets us out.
Thanks again for the kind words.
Alice, you’re not alone there… The rampant Internet asshattery that has sprouted full-bloom since the shooting in CA has me pretty down too along with my aforementioned problems at home… Faith in humanity has been at an all-time low.
A few days ago though I was able to spend time with my best friend and her 1.5 year old little girl. We took her to the pet store and adorableness ensued. I had to buy a can of fish food, which she promptly decided to carry for me, and hold it up to the faces of all the dog and cat pictures she saw to try and “feed” them. It was precious.
@Bad_dog
I wish I could offer some advice, especially since I can relate to your situation a bit. But if I knew how to help you out, I’d already have a much better relationship with my dad. So all I can offer are hugs.
[CN: abuse]
I just want to thank everyone here – and in other feminist/womanist and trans-friendly spaces, online and otherwise – for being so supportive. Everything from validation when I talk about abuse in my life to katz going as far as to help me get away from my dad’s house has all been so helpful and meaningful. If it weren’t for all of my supportive friends and family I’d still be completely lost. And I do still feel lost frequently. Today in the library I was ruminating on my experiences of abuse, and I remembered a lot frightening, triggering things that happened to me, like the times my sister’s ex fat-shamed me and made sexually demeaning comments about my body. I tried to write all of these things down but it wasn’t cathartic as I expected. I just felt more anxious and distressed because I described them in great detail.
Because of all of that, I expected the rest of my day to get much worse. But it didn’t. It got better somehow, probably because of going to those trans support group meetings. I am finally starting to heal on a more significant level and tell myself truthfully and bluntly that I don’t deserve to be hurt, I don’t deserve to be treated like trash, and I don’t deserved to be shamed and mocked for my body despite my own dysphoria regarding it. And the thing that makes me really happy is that I’ve never had this much confidence in myself. After the meeting I felt so appreciative of my friends, my family, and even myself that I was able to say “I love you” to my sister as she was leaving our house. Most of the time, I’m just too afraid to even say the L-word because I feel like I don’t deserve to use it for some reason. But tonight I just said it without any shyness or anxiety. I felt like myself for the first time in ages.
I’m slowly breaking down that vicious thought pattern that tells me “You’re only trying to be more positive because you’re crazy, narcissistic, and at the breaking point of your sanity.” It still pervades a great deal of my thoughts, but it’s starting to disappear. Never before have I felt this confident and determined to come out to the rest of my family. Maybe it will be peaceful, maybe it won’t – but either way I feel far more prepared to deal with the consequences of coming out, good or bad. I’m still afraid of a lot of things, like my step-mom potentially trying to physically abuse me for being “gay” and me never being able to see my little sisters for a long time, but I have faith that things won’t be disastrous as I assume they will.
Of course, it’s not like I made no efforts whatsoever in trying to put my life back together, but so many folks here and elsewhere have made that process profoundly easier. Thank you all so much. I’ll never regret coming here. I’m sorry if this comment seems really melodramatic/saccharine/whatever, but I’m just in a really appreciative and self-accepting mood right now. You folks are awesome. Please continue to be awesome!
Oh Ally S., if I could, I’d make you a nice plate of pasta right now. I’m a good cook. Take care of yourself, always.