The man I’ve been working for for 13 years took his own life on Saturday. He had deep emotional problems but on the surface he was a ball of energy and charisma. In recent months he’d gained insight into his behaviour and problems for the first time since I’ve known him. He still struggled with panic attacks and insomnia but that was getting better after several changes in his meds. Business hadn’t been going well and the financial pressure on him was huge to pay us.
He had confided in me and said I knew him better than anyone except his wife. He loved her dearly and was very protective of her. I can’t fathom why he chose to do this in a way that would guarantee she’d be one to find him.
I can’t make sense of this. I realize that I’m looking for logic where there’s none to be found. Everyone I’ve contacted to let them know is looking for answers too.
On top of that, my livelihood has been ripped out from under me. At my age, it’s going to be difficult to find work. I have a cat so I worry about taking care of her, too. I’m an emotional wreck right now. There’s so much to do and I’m kind of frozen with grief and worry.
grumpycatisagirl
10 years ago
Auntie Alias, I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of that. If there’s anything we can do to help let us know. I am always willing to send cat care money if needed!
(Tickle it quickly, though. Savagery will commence in 5 … 4 … 3 …)
Auntie Alias
10 years ago
Awww. Kitty tummies are so warm and soft and that one is even warmer in the sun. đ
Thank you, katz. It’s much appreciated.
You know what else is really eerie about this? His IM accounts are still online and Facebook posts are appearing like he just submitted them, although that’s because he had them scheduled in advance. This is NOT helping me get through the denial phase. :/
Merbo
10 years ago
ugh, so this whole buisness with the Elliot Rodgers story actually gave me a nightmare last night in which my school got attacked by two crazed shooters.i woke up crying because, besides obvious reasons, i had no idea wether my good friend made it out ok. Just, its been bothering me all day.
pollydactyl
10 years ago
Thank you so much, all of you. It’s so nice to be able to come here and talk about it without being told that it happened because the shooter was crazy. I will let you know if you can do anything. I think I mostly just need time.
So sad. My amazing cat, Charlie (pictured on my avatar) has been killed. I just learned that his little body was found dismembered, beheaded, on a construction site. I am incredibly sad. Some of you knew about him, so I wanted to share the bad news. It’s really hard.
I went with my best friend today to put her cat to sleep; it really was the only choice. She was 19, and her health was rapidly deteriorating, and it was time. But it was still sad. I knew that cat since she was a kitten, helped my friend pick her and her kitty brother (who had to be put to sleep a couple of years ago) out at the shelter.
I feel so awful today. I’ve been doing all the work that my step-dad has been explicitly asking for and yet he still is upset at me for not reading his mind and knowing exactly what else to do. He expects me to always remember every single little thing he wants me to do for him. Yet I choose to do only what he asks because he’s finicky and has all sorts of preferences regarding what should be done first, how it should be done, where I should work, etc. And I also know that I do a lot of stupid things, especially since I’m not really used to doing this kind of work. I’ve come close to breaking a lot of his equipment, plants, etc. because of him not really being clear to me on how to use them properly. I mean, I’m not stupid, but I’m not entirely familiar with all of his various equipment and tools, either.
For example, the past several days I’ve been waking up on time, very often not even having anything in the morning besides a glass of water, and then mowing all of the extremely tall grass and weeds that he let spiral out of control on his property. The mower is easy to use and all but it’s still exhausting especially now that I have to work in 86 F temperatures. And he also wants me to mow 4 hours every single day. That’s all because due to him being under the influence frequently; his sense of time is completely distorted because he’s a chronic weed smoker. He thought I was working for 20 minutes this morning when I was actually mowing for 2 hours. Do I ever argue with him about shit like this? Nope, because he just talks over me whenever I do. Especially when he’s angry as well.
I also missed a few spots on the front yard this morning and he got upset, calling it a “fucking embarrassment”. I accept that I’m not really good with a mower but I was literally doing the things he asked me specifically to do. And a few days ago, I told him I couldn’t mow around the trees we have just planted because it’s too risky and the trees might get chopped by the mowers. (There are weeds literally in the bowls of those plants – a mower can’t really reach them.) Yet today he got angry when he saw that there were still a few tiny weeds at the bowls of those plants.
I redid the area he was complaining about and then came inside, where he lectured me again about how I’m disappointing him and “rushing to get inside just after 20 minutes of work”. And he was like “I don’t think you understand how much hardship I’m going through; I can’t pay my mortgage, I’m almost going to have a heart attack because of heart issues, and I’m falling behind with all of my projects! I need you to work harder!” I hope he regrets his words later because I felt they were really manipulative.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just whining about nothing. I just feel really lonely and hurt by his words and his attitudes.
Thanks, cloudiah. I know he doesn’t mean to be like this to me, but honestly I’m so afraid of him being disappointed in me or upset at me that on numerous occasions I’ve experienced immediate anxiety attacks whenever I think I may have broken some piece of equipment. And I’m not just talking about feeling anxious; I’m also talking about strong dizziness and a racing pulse. Of course, he isn’t the cause of those anxiety attacks, and if I weren’t in such a mentally unstable condition I probably would be just fine with his behavior towards me, but they still ruin my day and make my life a lot less tolerable. I haven’t eaten anything all day due to anxiety, and now it’s even harder to get my appetite back because I’m so shaken up by my step-dad. In fact, my hands are still shaky as I type this comment. Maybe it sounds absurd for me to talk about having anxiety attacks all the time, but for some reason I’ve been feeling triggered a lot more than usual lately.
It’s a push mower, and a good one as well since it’s self-propelled. Unfortunately, nearly all of the grass and weeds I have to mow rise up to my waist, so it’s still difficult to mow all of it down.
Another thing: whenever I get done with something he asks me to do, I nearly always ask him if I need to do more and if so, what it entails. And he often just tells me that I’ve done enough. (This happens all the time, by the way, after those ostensible “20 minute” work days he has me do.) Now he’s fucking upset at me for asking him what else to do. Like I’m just supposed to know automatically. All he ever says is “Well, there’s always work to be done here! When you’re done with one thing, do another thing.” And of course he is rarely specific about what he wants.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Extremely depressing personal stuff ahead.
The man I’ve been working for for 13 years took his own life on Saturday. He had deep emotional problems but on the surface he was a ball of energy and charisma. In recent months he’d gained insight into his behaviour and problems for the first time since I’ve known him. He still struggled with panic attacks and insomnia but that was getting better after several changes in his meds. Business hadn’t been going well and the financial pressure on him was huge to pay us.
He had confided in me and said I knew him better than anyone except his wife. He loved her dearly and was very protective of her. I can’t fathom why he chose to do this in a way that would guarantee she’d be one to find him.
I can’t make sense of this. I realize that I’m looking for logic where there’s none to be found. Everyone I’ve contacted to let them know is looking for answers too.
On top of that, my livelihood has been ripped out from under me. At my age, it’s going to be difficult to find work. I have a cat so I worry about taking care of her, too. I’m an emotional wreck right now. There’s so much to do and I’m kind of frozen with grief and worry.
Auntie Alias, I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of that. If there’s anything we can do to help let us know. I am always willing to send cat care money if needed!
Auntie Alias, I’m so sorry. What a sad and difficult situation to be put in.
pollydactyl, lbt, z, internet hugs if you want them.
grumpycatisagirl,
Thank you so much for the kind offer. At this point I just needed to be heard. Thanks for telling me that you did hear me.
Thank you, David.
Auntie Alias, historophilia, pollydactyl, Z, all the hugs. So much shit to be going through.
Z, have a Welcome Package, too.
Yes, I hear you, Auntie Alias, and Internet hugs if you want them are here.
Hugs for anyone who needs one, from me or from my very soft kitties who will even let you pet their cute little bellies without attacking you.
Hugs for all. Auntie Alias, what a horrible thing to have happen!
Thanks so much for the hugs kittehserf, grumpycatisagirl, and cloudiah. Soft kitty bellies are the best!
Soft kitty bellies? Here’s one!
(Tickle it quickly, though. Savagery will commence in 5 … 4 … 3 …)
Awww. Kitty tummies are so warm and soft and that one is even warmer in the sun. đ
Thank you, katz. It’s much appreciated.
You know what else is really eerie about this? His IM accounts are still online and Facebook posts are appearing like he just submitted them, although that’s because he had them scheduled in advance. This is NOT helping me get through the denial phase. :/
ugh, so this whole buisness with the Elliot Rodgers story actually gave me a nightmare last night in which my school got attacked by two crazed shooters.i woke up crying because, besides obvious reasons, i had no idea wether my good friend made it out ok. Just, its been bothering me all day.
Thank you so much, all of you. It’s so nice to be able to come here and talk about it without being told that it happened because the shooter was crazy. I will let you know if you can do anything. I think I mostly just need time.
That’s some heavy shit, Auntie Alias. I’ll send you cyberhugs and doggie kisses. đ
Thank you, Dvärghundspossen!
So sad. My amazing cat, Charlie (pictured on my avatar) has been killed. I just learned that his little body was found dismembered, beheaded, on a construction site. I am incredibly sad. Some of you knew about him, so I wanted to share the bad news. It’s really hard.
Oh, Maude, that’s so sad! Poor kitty.
I went with my best friend today to put her cat to sleep; it really was the only choice. She was 19, and her health was rapidly deteriorating, and it was time. But it was still sad. I knew that cat since she was a kitten, helped my friend pick her and her kitty brother (who had to be put to sleep a couple of years ago) out at the shelter.
I feel so awful today. I’ve been doing all the work that my step-dad has been explicitly asking for and yet he still is upset at me for not reading his mind and knowing exactly what else to do. He expects me to always remember every single little thing he wants me to do for him. Yet I choose to do only what he asks because he’s finicky and has all sorts of preferences regarding what should be done first, how it should be done, where I should work, etc. And I also know that I do a lot of stupid things, especially since I’m not really used to doing this kind of work. I’ve come close to breaking a lot of his equipment, plants, etc. because of him not really being clear to me on how to use them properly. I mean, I’m not stupid, but I’m not entirely familiar with all of his various equipment and tools, either.
For example, the past several days I’ve been waking up on time, very often not even having anything in the morning besides a glass of water, and then mowing all of the extremely tall grass and weeds that he let spiral out of control on his property. The mower is easy to use and all but it’s still exhausting especially now that I have to work in 86 F temperatures. And he also wants me to mow 4 hours every single day. That’s all because due to him being under the influence frequently; his sense of time is completely distorted because he’s a chronic weed smoker. He thought I was working for 20 minutes this morning when I was actually mowing for 2 hours. Do I ever argue with him about shit like this? Nope, because he just talks over me whenever I do. Especially when he’s angry as well.
I also missed a few spots on the front yard this morning and he got upset, calling it a “fucking embarrassment”. I accept that I’m not really good with a mower but I was literally doing the things he asked me specifically to do. And a few days ago, I told him I couldn’t mow around the trees we have just planted because it’s too risky and the trees might get chopped by the mowers. (There are weeds literally in the bowls of those plants – a mower can’t really reach them.) Yet today he got angry when he saw that there were still a few tiny weeds at the bowls of those plants.
I redid the area he was complaining about and then came inside, where he lectured me again about how I’m disappointing him and “rushing to get inside just after 20 minutes of work”. And he was like “I don’t think you understand how much hardship I’m going through; I can’t pay my mortgage, I’m almost going to have a heart attack because of heart issues, and I’m falling behind with all of my projects! I need you to work harder!” I hope he regrets his words later because I felt they were really manipulative.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just whining about nothing. I just feel really lonely and hurt by his words and his attitudes.
Oh Maude, I am so sorry about Charlie, that’s horrible. All the hugs.
And Ally, I’m sorry your step-dad is taking his stresses out on you. More hugs.
Thanks, cloudiah. I know he doesn’t mean to be like this to me, but honestly I’m so afraid of him being disappointed in me or upset at me that on numerous occasions I’ve experienced immediate anxiety attacks whenever I think I may have broken some piece of equipment. And I’m not just talking about feeling anxious; I’m also talking about strong dizziness and a racing pulse. Of course, he isn’t the cause of those anxiety attacks, and if I weren’t in such a mentally unstable condition I probably would be just fine with his behavior towards me, but they still ruin my day and make my life a lot less tolerable. I haven’t eaten anything all day due to anxiety, and now it’s even harder to get my appetite back because I’m so shaken up by my step-dad. In fact, my hands are still shaky as I type this comment. Maybe it sounds absurd for me to talk about having anxiety attacks all the time, but for some reason I’ve been feeling triggered a lot more than usual lately.
@Ally
you are definitely not whining about nothing. He is behaving horribly.
Sending good thoughts for Maude, Auntie Alias, and Ally.
@Ally: 4 hours mowing? Push or riding? Either way, stay super-hydrated. That’s hard labor, for pete’s sake.
@Howard Bannister
It’s a push mower, and a good one as well since it’s self-propelled. Unfortunately, nearly all of the grass and weeds I have to mow rise up to my waist, so it’s still difficult to mow all of it down.
Another thing: whenever I get done with something he asks me to do, I nearly always ask him if I need to do more and if so, what it entails. And he often just tells me that I’ve done enough. (This happens all the time, by the way, after those ostensible “20 minute” work days he has me do.) Now he’s fucking upset at me for asking him what else to do. Like I’m just supposed to know automatically. All he ever says is “Well, there’s always work to be done here! When you’re done with one thing, do another thing.” And of course he is rarely specific about what he wants.
I’m so sick of living here.