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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: Very Belated May 2014 Edition

Le chien, so chic
Le chien, so chic

An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.

As usual for these threads: no trolls, no arguments.

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inurashii
inurashii
7 years ago

Hi gang. I’m a woman now. At least if you don’t listen to the TERFs.

cloudiah
7 years ago

:: hugs :: inurashii (but only if wanted).

Ed White
Ed White
7 years ago

Congatulations inurashii!! Whatever you do, don’t listen to the TERFs.

inurashii
inurashii
7 years ago

I’m trying! Sadly, they’re like the best delivery service with the worst food.

AK
AK
7 years ago

I hope no one here listens to the TERFs. I don’t know your story, inurashii, but welcome to the sisterhood. 🙂

I just wanted to check in since I used to comment fairly often and haven’t been here much as of late. I still read pretty much every entry but usually I’m days late so don’t have much to add. Life is pretty good in AKville though, just busy mostly. I keep hoping to comment here more but that keeps not happening. But I’m alive and well, and I hope you all are doing good. 🙂 I miss being more active here but it can’t be helped. 😉

Ally S
7 years ago

@inurashii

TERFs are like the only people I am incapable of arguing with. Especially trans women TERFs (yes, they exist). They really know how to exploit other trans women’s insecurities and dysphoric feelings – to the point that even reading trans woman TERF Tumblrs is distressing. I hope they aren’t harassing you on Tumblr. They’ve done that to basically all of my followers.

katz
7 years ago

Fuck the haters, inurashii, you are a woman and they can deal with it.

kittehserf
7 years ago

TERFs: Twits Exhibiting Reactionary Fears.

I’m sure other people will come up with better versions than that.

inurashii
inurashii
7 years ago

AllyS: I know they exist — Zinnia Jones helped me realize that I was trans, so I got pulled into her TERF wars almost immediately which meant that I was exposed to a lot of nasty TERF rhetoric.

I have only been harassed by them a little — I have few qualms about blocking them — but my skin is kinda thin, so. :/

Ally S
7 years ago

@inurashii

Ah, I figured that they weren’t very well known – or at least not nearly as well known as trans male TERFs – so I kind of just assumed you wouldn’t know. I’m sorry if that was presumptuous of me.

Speaking of Zinnia, she was one of the first trans women I followed on Tumblr, but I’m not really a fan of her anymore as a result of her denying the existence of trans men’s male privilege. Aside from that, though, I have friends who have also discovered they were trans with her help, and I’m glad she was able to help you out.

inurashii
inurashii
7 years ago

I def don’t agree with Zinnia about everything wrt trans ideology. It’s silly but her ridiculous joke website http://amitransgender.com/ was actually a huge help to me because it really threw into stark relief the notion that somebody putting this much thought into gender identity might seriously not be cis, and that kicked off a lot of thought

Ally S
7 years ago

LOL, that website is great. XD

inurashii
inurashii
7 years ago

oh actually another thing. I got laid off in December and decided to go freelance. I write interactive fiction and stories and stuff. Here’s my Patreon:
http://www.patreon.com/inurashii

weirwoodtreehugger
7 years ago

Welcome to the gynocracy Inurashii. You seem like you’ll be an asset to our tribe!

Jack Remiel
7 years ago

Hey everyone, I know I haven’t been around for a while, but the comment threads always seem to move so fast.

Really the only thing going on with my life is that I’m raising cash to get to referee the gay rugby world cup. So I’m pimping my pledge me page everywhere.
https://www.pledgeme.co.nz/projects/2092

/ shameless plug

kittehserf
7 years ago

Holiday photoshop snapshot! Milord and me outside the Art Institute.

http://i.imgur.com/8GSzhw3.png

girlscientist
girlscientist
7 years ago

Welcome to womanhood, inurashii!

Luzbelitx
7 years ago

Congratulations, inurashii!! We’ve got lots of misandring to do!

K
K
7 years ago

Congrats inurashii 🙂

This thread came at a goodish time because I was just thinking today that once again, since I’ve ragequit most forums, I find myself with a stressed out rant and nowhere to rant it.

My boyfriend and his son now live with me, son 4ish days a week and boyfriend all the time. Except that so far we’ve had him an extra day, at short notice, for the past three weeks, each time with drop-off/pick-up times being rearranged at an hour’s notice so as to be as inconvenient as humanly possible. Logistics of mealtimes and naptime/bedtime apparently don’t factor in to his mum’s considerations, so it has pretty much always involved rushed meals and/or a starving/exhausted three year old. Cool. Then this week – we always get him on Sundays, unless we get him on Saturdays – I’m thinking “can it please just be the 4 days? I would pay good money for my Thursday/Fri/Saturday being Me days this week.” Nah, we have him Sunday afternoon to Friday night this week. Cool. Yep.

Oh, and my boyfriend has nearly run out of money. How? Don’t ask me. Dissecting our budget is one of those things I was hoping to do with the Grown-up Time we are now not due to get this week. Man, I know some people do this 24/7, but I feel like not having kid all the time affects my ability to compartmentalise. When he’s here, my headspace is 100% dedicated to parenting whether he’s out with partner, or asleep, or whatever. On kid days, I can only think about kid things. Then when he goes to his mum’s, I can free up space for self-care and non-parenting responsibilities like the bills and housework outside of general maintenance. So losing those non-kid days plays merry hell with my schedule and ability to get things done.

Anyway, six weeks ago we had enough to last us 4 months, after which point my student loan starts coming in again. I get more this year, and I can also increase my overdraft. Now, we have (on his part) enough to last us a month. Thankfully, I have a little more than I expected after rent and bills come off this month. So, with careful dissecting, tweaking and planning, we can stretch it out. Uncomfortably. There was no NEED for this, though. I’ve been telling him for months to get online banking set up, because this has happened before like three times? But when he was living with his mum, so most-of-the-way running out of money wasn’t catastrophic. I’ve tried to tell him as non-judgementally as possible that when you’re not watching it, it vanishes. Things like buying lunch when we take kid out, rather than bringing sandwiches. Having a coffee as you’re passing through the train station. These things eat money like you wouldn’t believe. But I sort of thought he knew from experience. This is my first time living alone, though I’ve been in the flat for seven or eight months before boyfriend moved in. (This also stresses me out because the delay was never supposed to happen and I find the reasons for it inadequate. I’m trying to put it behind me, but I was SO READY for this to happen eight months ago, then eight months trying to step-mum from afar while running my own house for the same time really dragged me down. Now I do not feel ready. But here it is.)

Anyway, when I first moved out, I overspent hugely in the first couple of months. I caught myself, figured out where it was going – mainly train fare and lunches while at uni, so I switched to the bus and got a monthly ticket, and switched to packed lunches, plus junk food sneaking into my shopping basket so I cut that back too. It wasn’t great that I overspent, but my money was loan payments coming in regularly so I was incapable of spending it all and ruining myself for the months ahead. Boyfriend’s money is/was inheritance, which he got most of in one go, and has now spent most of. There’s no more. Well, his mum wisely held back a grand. But there’s a chance (due to our evil incarnate landlord) that we’ll need to move at the end of summer, so I need to keep that held aside for moving expenses until we know that won’t happen.

I’m just disappointed and frustrated that it’s fallen on me, again, to clean this up and make sure we can survive the summer. And if we keep getting kid extra days that’s going to ramp up the costs, but I fully expect kid’s mum (who works, boyfriend doesn’t (he’s setting up to freelance)) to feign ignorance of that reality. It’s just so much to deal with. I’m so young. I want to be able to not give a shit at least a couple of days a week, and I feel like that option has just been snatched away like “NO, ONLY ADULT LIFE AND HUGE RESPONSIBILITIES FOR YOU, HA!”

Quite aside from the minefield that is parenting and step-parenting a three year old in and of itself. Today, boyfriend and I are sleep deprived because a cop hammered on the door at 1am and gave us the fright of our lives (they were looking for the guy who used to live below us, god knows why) then kid had a nightmare and woke up at 3, then woke up for good at the back of six. Boyfriend has been tired, grumpy, snappish, shouty and unreasonable. I hate that. I’m that too, in my own head, but I just think it is not cool no-how to let it spew out all morning. We’re agreed, in theory, that shouting is counter-productive and upsets kid, the dog, and me (my dad, nothing but awful memories) and that everyone responds better to firm-but-calm. No matter what I’m feeling, I’m always firm but calm and the stiflingness of it sort of drives me mad, but not as mad as partner just letting loose on the dog (mainly) or on kid. The dog is a rescue, and cowers when you shout, even in excitement/not at him. It achieves NOTHING but partner is like “oh he doesn’t respond when I ask him nicely.” He snapped that at me last week when I asked him to quit shouting, and being as I was pretty stung and annoyed by that, I went a bit passive aggressive and kept the dog away from the dinner table for the duration of the meal just by clicking my fingers. It is NOT just me he’ll respond to, that’s just an excuse for losing his temper. Doesn’t fly. Today I’ve been hiding out in my room studying because I have an assignment due on Wednesday and CAN NOT DEAL.

We talked and he said he’s going to try but just having to say these things tires me. Taking on a three year old kid, when I’m 19, in uni full time, when we don’t have much money, when I have mental health problems – I can deal with that, but I need to have confidence in him not to be upsetting my dog, making my home a hostile environment, and adding fuel to the fire when kid is being difficult (which is practically all the time).

NonServiam
NonServiam
7 years ago

That’s awesome inurashii. Being a woman is awesome, even if the haters bring you down sometimes. Freelance work is pretty great too!

banshee
banshee
7 years ago

Welcome, inurashii! Happiness always 🙂

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

inurashii,
Congratulations!
I <3 ZJ too.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@inurashii

Hi gang. I’m a woman now. At least if you don’t listen to the TERFs.

Yay!! 😀 And we won’t listen to TERFs.

@K

um, wow. That sounds stressful. Sadly I don’t have any advice 🙁 But internet hugs from me, if you want htem.

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

Also, turns out if I waited one more day I could have ranted about my dad here 😛 whoops.

Aylin
Aylin
7 years ago

Congrats inurashii

Also, what the hell are TERFs? *Lives under a rock*

Marie
Marie
7 years ago

@Aylin

“Trans esclusive radical feminists” (idk if I remember the acronym right)

but basically they’re a group of feminists who are really transmisogynistic (or, transphobic in general, but I think a lot of their shit is directed at trans women, which is why I used transmisogynistic)

sometimes they do terrible things, like harass trans women and plan to crash trans health conferences. Probably more shit. But they’re pretty fucking terrible.

(Idk, and someone can correct me if I fucked up, since I’m a cis woman and may not have gotten all of the shit TERFs do right.)

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

This isn’t personal but I love this article that Time just published on its Web site and wanted to share it somewhere: http://time.com/103243/if-youre-a-modern-dad-you-might-just-be-a-feminist/

MRAs sure aren’t going to like it.

Viscaria
Viscaria
7 years ago

Whoo comment party for inurashii 🙂 :star:

AK, it’s nice to hear from you! I am in the same boat. I wish I could comment here as much as I used to, and keep up with all the threads. But that’s life, I guess: constantly shifting priorities.

pollydactyl
7 years ago

Congrats inurashii! This is quite a coincidence, as I wanted to ask for advice on transitioning. My younger twin siblings just came out as trans women to me and my partner, but not to anyone else yet. All I told them was I love them and support their decisions, but I was wondering how transitioning works. At least we live in California which I’ve heard is better than a lot of US states for trans people. They’ve been trying to talk to a therapist about it, and they’ll be starting university soon in a quite liberal place where the school insurance does cover treatment for trans people. In fact, Mr. Dactyl is about to graduate from the same university so he looked into resources there for them. I’m also glad they have me and two other cis sisters who can help them! I just wanted to know, does anyone have any practical advice for them and is there anything I can do besides offering my love and support? Thank you!

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

Good to see you, Viscaria. Best wishes!

Ally S
7 years ago

@Aylin

TERF stands for “trans-exclusionary radical feminist”.* The main thing that characterizes them is their extreme hatred for trans people, particularly AMAB trans people. Their central assumption about us is that we have male privilege by virtue of being “biologically male” and accuse us of being men trying to invade women’s spaces, oppressing cis women with the word “cis” (sometimes they even think TERF is a slur – I wish I was joking), and possessing a uniquely unstable, artificial gender unlike cis women.

The most famous TERF is Janice Raymond, who succeeded in pushing for anti-trans legislation that has hindered our access to affordable transition healthcare. They are generally extremely awful people and many of them, especially trans women TERFs, know exactly how to exploit trans women’s insecurities and manipulate the fuck out of them with ableism, transmisogyny, racism, etc.

*I prefer to use TWEF (trans-woman-exclusionary feminist), personally, because I think most of their bigotry is directed at trans women and all other AMAB trans folks.

katz
7 years ago

Congrats inurashii! This is quite a coincidence, as I wanted to ask for advice on transitioning. My younger twin siblings just came out as trans women to me and my partner, but not to anyone else yet. All I told them was I love them and support their decisions, but I was wondering how transitioning works. At least we live in California which I’ve heard is better than a lot of US states for trans people. They’ve been trying to talk to a therapist about it, and they’ll be starting university soon in a quite liberal place where the school insurance does cover treatment for trans people. In fact, Mr. Dactyl is about to graduate from the same university so he looked into resources there for them. I’m also glad they have me and two other cis sisters who can help them! I just wanted to know, does anyone have any practical advice for them and is there anything I can do besides offering my love and support? Thank you!

What part of Cali do you live in?

pollydactyl
7 years ago

katz: Right now we live in southern CA.

katz
7 years ago

Then they should visit the LA Gay & Lesbian Center if they haven’t already.

Ally S
7 years ago

@pollydactyl

does anyone have any practical advice for them and is there anything I can do besides offering my love and support? Thank you!

I’m one of the trans women in this thread, so I’ll try to give you some suggestions. This is in no way an exhaustive list of suggestions, but every bit counts. And please bear in mind that I’m assuming that you aren’t very familiar with trans issues (which isn’t downplaying of your love and support for your siblings but rather a fair assumption to make about a lot of cis people).

1. If they are trying to feminize any part of their bodies, you should assure them that you won’t ever judge them for not “passing” as women and love them all the same. It also might be helpful to compliment them from time to time because society views trans women as inherently ugly and repulsive. (Although if they are feeling really awful about their bodies and they don’t want to be complimented, it’s best to respect that wish.)

2. Another thing is that part of being loving and supportive involves validating their feelings. If one of your siblings is hurt by someone’s transmisogynistic (transphobic against trans women) words or actions, you should be there for them and not say things like “Words don’t mean anything” or “You’re being too sensitive.” Really, empathy is key here.

3. It might be nice to offer to help them out or at least come along when they want to buy feminine clothes, makeup, etc. Of course, not all trans women are the same, but a lot of them feel more comfortable doing such things in the company of someone they trust. Even walking into a women’s clothing store can be intimidating for trans people.

4. Unless they’re okay with it, try not to romanticize the past too much. In other words, you should avoid things like “You were so cute as a little boy”. It not only is misgendering to most trans women, but it also feels invalidating to a lot of them – and it’s somewhat manipulative as well because it might make them feel that you won’t have the same feelings about them once they transition and start living as women.

I’m sorry if I’m sounding very critical of you – I’m just trying to stress these suggestions because so many cis people don’t care about them and put themselves first.

gillyrosebee
7 years ago

I love to listen to TERFs. Laughing is therapeutic, and pointing is a form of exercise, right?

Ally S
7 years ago

Laughing at TERFs is great, but it’s also important to bear in mind that their strategies and behavior are often so abusive that it would be charitable to call them bullies. They are even worse enemies than conservative heteronormative transphobes.

gillyrosebee
7 years ago

I agree, Ally, and I wouldn’t bother to be charitable, they are bullies and abusers. I find their rhetoric and behavior ridiculous and unacceptable, and I’m happy, nay DELIGHTED to hand them their asses whenever I run into one (which is not very often, I’m happy to say). I’m sorry if I was too glib there.

Oh, and congrats, inurashii!

Ally S
7 years ago

@gillyrosebee

Thanks for understanding. I’ve run into ostensible trans allies who actually have the nerve to say that TERFs aren’t the “real enemies” of trans women and that TERFs have no power to hurt any trans woman. (Funny how later on one of them turned out to be an abusive stalker of trans women.)

damselindetech
7 years ago

@K – your partner seems to be expecting quite a lot from you without putting forth the same level of effort. Is this a new relationship? Does your partner recognize all that you’ve been doing and the strain his irresponsible decisions have been placing on you?

@inurashii – congrats and welcome! I hope you find this community as a soft place to land to help with some of the bumps in the road.

damselindetech
7 years ago

My wife and I are fabulous atm. We’re living with her parents (not that fabulous) BUT it’s given us an opportunity to start saving money and really get back on our feet. Plus, I’ve scored an amazing job that’s well-paying, I get hours I like, and while it’s contract it’s pretty darned stable. So, we’ve decided that since my wife hasn’t gotten her career sorted, we’re going to refocus and start trying to have babies! It’s complicated bc we’re both cis women, so we’re going to go through a fertility clinic. And since she’s putting figuring out what she wants her long-term career goals to be, she’s going to start selling Arbonne from home to bring in some extra income. Long story short, yay us!

katz
7 years ago

Babbies! Yay for babbies!

gillyrosebee
7 years ago

TERFs aren’t just enemies, they are traitors, and that tends to be worse for me than just being a simple, garden variety misogynist with a transphobic attitude. I can’t understand (and refuse to accept) the attitude of someone who is outraged at being judged on the basis of body and identity but wants to retain the privilege of judging others based on THEIR body and identity.

I find hypocrisy ridiculous (not as in funny, but as in worthy of ridicule). Granted, we all have our biases and we all have moments of hypocrisy, and that’s okay; we do the best we can. But it’s my opinion that we all have a responsibility to interrogate our own biases and prejudices and deal with their effects on ourselves and others.

Sadly, I myself have run into too many untrustworthy allies, so I know how painful it can be to realize that someone you trusted will not have your back. That’s part of what makes me want to go out of my way to be extra clear to my allies that I’m behind them.

So I apologize again if I came across as too glib.

gillyrosebee
7 years ago

Yay for damselindetech and wife!

spacermase
7 years ago

Congrats, inurashii! I hope to follow a similar path, some day…

I don’t get TERFs at all. I can’t see how they can, on one hand, say that gender is totally a social construct (and accuse trans people of embodying gender essentialism), while on the other hand basically saying your biological sex is fixed and ultimately determines everything. The cognitive dissonance seems mind-boggling.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

I can’t understand (and refuse to accept) the attitude of someone who is outraged at being judged on the basis of body and identity but wants to retain the privilege of judging others based on THEIR body and identity.

Yeah, so much this. I love it when someone explains my own thoughts on a matter better than I could.

pollydactyl
7 years ago

katz: Thank you very much, I’ll pass the information along to them.

Ally S: Thank you so much! You are correct, I don’t know very much about trans issues so I am trying to learn more. I found your suggestions very helpful and I will definitely keep them in mind.

I’m very grateful for your advice.

AbsintheDexterous
7 years ago

I couldn’t remember what TERF stood for, so I looked it up on Google.

I am amazed that horrible people can still surprise me. Leaving out whatever repulsive theories that they come up with, why the hell does it even matter to them? I do not understand people who are so hateful toward a group of people they don’t even know going through something that doesn’t even effect them.

I can’t see how they can, on one hand, say that gender is totally a social construct (and accuse trans people of embodying gender essentialism), while on the other hand basically saying your biological sex is fixed and ultimately determines everything.

I can’t understand (and refuse to accept) the attitude of someone who is outraged at being judged on the basis of body and identity but wants to retain the privilege of judging others based on THEIR body and identity.

It’s like they’re competing in the Oppression Olympics and going for gold. It’s sad and pathetic.

Sam-I-Was?
7 years ago

@K- I don’t have any good advice to you beyond the fact that at 19 I think you are handling the situation way better then I could now & I’m much older then 19.

Sympathetic hugs or celebratory hugs for anyone who is interested.

@Kitteh- ZOMG when I was walking into work this morning I swear to you I saw Sir walking down the street! Let me just say that the Mr. K clone gorgeous! and I definitely get what you see in him. Yes I did go into the office thinking “I can’t wait to tell Kitteh!” 😀

Ally S
7 years ago

I don’t get TERFs at all. I can’t see how they can, on one hand, say that gender is totally a social construct (and accuse trans people of embodying gender essentialism), while on the other hand basically saying your biological sex is fixed and ultimately determines everything. The cognitive dissonance seems mind-boggling.

I’d say it’s not because of cognitive dissonance, but because they all consider sex to be a supra-discursive category – that is, they just accept it as a natural binary opposition that can’t possibly be questioned, challenged, and/or abolished. As if it never originated from a patriarchal discourse. That’s why they always yell about trans women “ignoring biological facts.”

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