So this little screenshot is making the rounds on the internet. It’s from 4chan, so who knows if the guy posting it is sincere. But I’ve seen similar, albeit less histrionic, complaints from other would-be pickup artistes in the past.
Guess what, dude. Some of those women wearing earbuds aren’t even listening to music. They just wear them to avoid creepy dudes like you.
Uh, Ken, even if he is mentally disabled or in need of help, that doesn’t excuse violating someone’s physical boundaries in such a way. An appropriate response is to take your buds back if it’s safe to do so and tell him to back off. Someone with a mental disorder isn’t necessarily unable to follow social conventions, and if they are, that’s something for an authority figure to deal with. And if you really needed help, why would you grab a random stranger with earbuds in, and not, say, call the police? Or grab a security guard? Or just go up to someone who could hear you right away?
And it’s plenty creepy, because plenty of guys think that way. I HAVE INTEREST I AM OWED HER ATTENTION. While the woman is probably listening to music and has no idea he is interested, and even if she knows, she doesn’t owe him anything.
@Ally S
care to say what? exactly.
Thanks, J.J. You nailed t.
Ally: It’s because Ken is being an ableist shithead.
Oh, and Ken? I don’t have the time or inclination to figure out if some harassing shithead is disabled, I want the harassment to STOP, NOW.
Besides, being disabled is no excuse for asshole behavior.
Hee, hellkell said it the short way, I said it the long way. Ken, do you get it now? Or are you here in bad faith?
Once again you have all my empathy and plenty of sympathy as well. Hugs available freely as needed, Ally!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sh-zzb5jLLs
Could it be the rampant ableism or is it just the strong stench of entitled asshole?
@Ken, it’s not a joke, did you actually read the post?
I’m assuming that by “First retake you buds.” you meant “First remove your earbuds”? And my answer to that is fuck you. What part of “I don’t want to be bothered or interrupted right now” do you not understand, because that is precisely what earbuds are for. Earbuds in = please do not bother me. Contrary to the above assertion, it’s actually quite polite because you can see it clearly and therefore don’t have to risk being treated rudely for interrupting someone when they don’t want to be interrupted.
Creepy = feeling entitled to stalk (yes, he did, did you miss that part?) and pester people who demonstrably not want to be pestered (see above re: earbuds = Do Not Pester).
If someone needs “actual” help, then he should not be bothering random women with it. Just in case you missed it, let me be clear. If you think your desire to have a conversation with a stranger is more important than her clearly expressed desire to be left alone, you are a creep and your behavior can be correctly identified as creepy. Earbuds = clearly expressed desire to be left alone. No ifs, ands or “but I’m a Nice Guy” about it.
In a coffee shop there are people there who are paid to help people with their needs, they are called “staff” and you will notice that, not only do they not wear earbuds, when you approach them they will mostly be friendly and ask how they can help you. If I am in a coffee shop with my earbuds in, there is nothing you can say to me short of pointing out that my laptop is on fire that will result in anything but well-deserved scorn.
[CN: abuse, self-harm, suicide]
I have strong anxiety and depression, and guess what? I don’t go around using my mental disabilities to manipulate people and treat them like shit. When I feel the urge to self-harm or feel suicidal, I don’t express such feelings in order to threaten people. I admit that I have social anxiety and stammer very often as a result, but that’s not harassment – unlike ripping away someone’s earbuds.
@ J.J
Yes in a perfect world would be great. hell in a perfect world we wouldn’t be on this site. speaking as EMT. I can tell you that about call after call where people act in nonsensical ways. people in general do not act the way they should in an emergency. your thinking is just amazingly arrogant.
What part of “I want to talk to this woman I’ve been stalking for the last 6 months” constitutes an emergency?
@gillyrosebee
the response was to what to do if some takes your ear buds. you retake them.
@Ally S
I speaking of like someone with downs syndrome, or the like. Because use words certain words that start with r.
Earbuds is an affront to him? Sense of entitlement, anyone?
Thanks, Ken.
I was being semi-facetious with my pepper spray suggestion, as I really do not have a good response to Ally’s question.
I also have not experienced the ear buds harassment, since I don’t wear them. But it seems to me that someone who resorts to such a drastic violation of someone else’s boundaries can be potentially dangerous. It is a disturbing behavior, indicating quite likely a disturbed person.
*I don’t use certain words. sorry
@gillyrosebee
if you actually read what i wrote you would see that it was posted to JJ.
@Emma
thank you for actually taking the time to treat me like a person by reading what i wrote and taking it at face value. your the first person here to do so.
The person on the receiving end of harassment doesn’t have the privilege of knowing whether they are dangerous to be around.
This isn’t a private conversation, and I read what JJ wrote as well as what you wrote. We’re not talking about someone who grabbed a person while choking or in the middle of having a heart attack, and your weird counterfactual derailing makes no sense in the face of the actual situation at hand. This is about people who feel so entitled to someone else’s attention that they feel justified in grabbing them or their property, and are sent into juvenile fits of rage when the world doesn’t bend over backwards to accommodate them. How, in the face of that, is JJ the one being arrogant here?
I use earbuds when I’m riding the bus (which is my main means of transportation). My main reason is that I have social anxiety, and while I’m medicated I still get nervous when I’m in a smaller area with a lot of people. They’re especially helpful when I have to share my seat with someone else. I also find they keep most men from approaching me so there’s that. Oddly the worst time I had was with this middle-aged woman who decided to talk to me anyways and asked to listen to my music too. To say I was uncomfortable would be an understatement, but I let her because I’m terrible at saying no.
Anyways, yeah earbuds are usually a fairly good way to deter people who want to bother me when I’m out and about, especially when my anxiety is higher. It’s usually only the truly obnoxious who will still attempt to speak to you with earbuds in.
I will say I am also lucky in that I live in an area where it seems like most people are in their own little bubbles, so it’s rare that people approach strangers. That is a downside to people who transplant here as adults though, because it’s nearly impossible to make friends here if you didn’t make them k-12. Even college student transplants have trouble making friends here because everyone is so close-knit and anti-social. I think it’s mostly a side-effect of this area starting as a small town. Now it’s a three city + outlying cities area but people still act like they live in a small town. It’s no exaggeration to say everyone knows everyone somehow. My dad’s girlfriend and my sister have both dated the same girl as me, if that tells you anything.
@Ally s
Exactly. if they’re dangerous i would not recommend taking any action. if this person taking buds is a normal if creepy/jerk/whatever you can probably take of the problem yourself.
your not the first person who has very similar thought on an issue with but got all ready to flay me because I didn’t write it the way they wanted me to.
@Ken — 🙂 You’re welcome.
It is a common issue, I notice, for folks online, especially in the blogosphere, to react from their wounds, so to speak. While it is understandable (although it is also something that most people would not do in face-to-face interactions, I guess), it can make online conversations difficult.
@gillyrosebee
you and I were talking about nothing. JJ responded to my statement to the specific point I made, about a side question not to the article in general. if you need to see it is was a response to emma
Ally S said:
Ally, I think Inurashii gave a good answer:
Your clear feelings is “back the fuck off.” Let that translate to at least screaming: “Leave me alone!” or “help!”
Ken L.’s argument seems to be veering dangerously close to “women shouldn’t be mean to strange men who sexually harass them because they could be on the autism spectrum!” style of territory.
1. You cannot tell always by sight whether someone has learning disabilities or mental health issues, to suggest as such is ableist.
2. Regardless of any issues the person ripping the earbuds out may have, women still have no obligation to tolerate such intrusive behaviour from anyone.
I agree with everything gillyrosebee said. I did respond to your proposed scenario, but it still doesn’t change that the behavior would be considered inappropriate. I don’t feel I was being arrogant at all. And yeah, this is a comments section, gillyrosebee has the right to respond to your comments as does anyone else.
And you’re still being really ableist. I’ve worked with people who have Down’s, and other mental disabilities, with varying degrees of severity. We always wanted the people we were working with to be able to exist in society, we told them when behavior was inappropriate. They wanted to be accepted as people. I have pretty severe anxiety. None of those things excuses inappropriate behavior. And excusing bad behavior because the person has a disability reflects badly on the rest of the community. And the person being harassed still has the right to tell the harasser to back off, no matter what.