So this little screenshot is making the rounds on the internet. It’s from 4chan, so who knows if the guy posting it is sincere. But I’ve seen similar, albeit less histrionic, complaints from other would-be pickup artistes in the past.
Guess what, dude. Some of those women wearing earbuds aren’t even listening to music. They just wear them to avoid creepy dudes like you.
“Just be open and receptive” or else!
The entitlement in dating extends to entitlement in marriage — thus these same nice guys don’t believe that marital rape is a thing. Same mindset; it boils down to “I want to have sex with you and you have no right to refuse.”
True: I often wear earbuds without actually listening to something. I just want people to leave me alone. When I get off the bus and start my trek to work, then I turn on my audiobook.
BTW, I’ve heard that some strange men rip out women’s earbuds in order to get their attention. That thought really scares me because I’ve already had more than enough experience with invasive men. What do you folks think is a good response to a man ripping out your earbuds?
“What do you folks think is a good response to a man ripping out your earbuds?”
Pepper spray?
Ally: A firm “no” combined with a knee to the groin would be the proper response in my book
If you want to avoid violence, a firm “That’s assault. Touch me again and I will call the police [or scream for help]” may do the trick.
If you don’t even want to go that far, just shouting “Leave me alone!” loudly will get the attention of everyone nearby and dudeface will need to either disengage or engage under the knowledge that he’s being watched.
and yaay trans mammothers! I didn’t really expect any of this, and I’m wading through impostor syndrome and dysphoria in equal measure but uh yaayy?
I actually have a pair of earbuds I’ve altered so that I can listen to audiobooks in one ear and have no sound in the other so that I can be aware of my surroundings even when I am listening.
And, of course, YAY WORLD for never being able to just lose myself in a good book because I know from experience that there are very few places where it’s safe not to sleep with one eye open as it were, but I digress…
Ally, whatever you feel up to and whatever makes you feel safe in the moment. I’ve never had the earbuds thing happen (though I did have a guy once grab my arm and turn me half around because I hadn’t even been aware that he was catcalling me) but it’s as situation dependent as any other bit of harassment. Grabber got a “Fuck you, Sunny Jim” (and where THAT came from I will never know) and I shook my arm away and walked on. Partially because I was startled, partially because it was latish and there weren’t many people around and what I wanted most was to put distance between us.
On another occasion I was standing in a line and the guy behind me decided to try to “accidentally” bump up against me and grab my ass. In that case it was a longish line, there were plenty of people in the coffee shop, and it was in fact a place of business with a manager and a corporate image to protect, so I decided to rip the guy a new one. Well, I first told him to take a step back and keep his hands to himself, because I generally don’t try to escalate, but when he came back with the usual “Hey, b*tch, what’s your problem?” crap, I decided to open up on him. In that moment I wanted all eyes on me because he clearly DID want to escalate, and I figured I had a 50/50 chance that the shop manager would be on my side either on the merits or if not then simply for pragmatic reasons.
As it happened, I won the lottery on that – though the cashier was clueless and willing to stand there, Grabby had a full-on meltdown, complete with random outbursts of “c*nt” “wh*re” and “b*tch”, which brought the manager, who told Grabby to smile for the cameras that had recorded the whole thing, and then told him to get out and stay out or he’d be calling the police. They also offered to comp my coffee and to call a cab to get me where I was going so that if Grabby wanted to wait outside to stalk me he wouldn’t be able to follow me easily. Alas, Coffee Connection, how much do I miss thee!
Maybe I don’t really have any real line of defense besides meek refusals to speak. I’m too scared of using pepper spray or kneeing someone in the groin. Every single time someone harasses me in public I freeze and become as vulnerable as a 10-year-old even though I’m like 19. I have tried to fight back abusers before only to make them hurt me even more, so the thought of a strange man hurting me in vengeance is even more terrifying.
:: sigh :: I just wish creepy men would back the fuck off already. It’s like they’ll never leave me alone no matter what I do. My brother one time told me that the reason all kinds of people (and therefore male harassers) approach me is that I come off as friendly and non-judgmental, and so people don’t feel afraid of approaching me. I’m almost willing to trade that image for a more intimidating one just to get these people off of my back.
Chocomintlipwax,
Is that a filovirus you have as your avatar? That amuses me.
EffieLou
Welcome! Sorry that happened to you. Gross.
Maybe Minnesota nice is a thing after all. We have plenty of creepers here but the public transportation horror stories I see on the internet from women in Boston, NYC and Chicago seem to be worse than what I and my friends experience in the Twin Cities.
One time I was sitting on a bus in a short skirt and a man sat down next to me, called me “white chocolate” and caressed my thigh. It was so gross. Luckily he moved after I told him not to fucking touch me.
Another time at the bus stop a man came up to me and asked “are your tits real? Because if they are, I’ll give you my home phone, cell number and address.” As if whether my breasts are real is some strangers business. As you all might guess, I had never expressed an interest in obtaining this guys contact info.
Those are only a fraction of my stories, so yeah, I’m not going to feel bad about wearing headphones in order to be less approachable.
@inurashii
I know exactly what you mean by the impostor syndrome/dysphoria mix. I have felt that way ever since I realized I was trans, and it’s really rough. I’m sorry you’re going through it as well. All I can say is that it seems to be very common among trans folks (especially the CAMAB trans people I know), so we’re not alone in that respect.
@inurashii, Ally:
There’s always been a nice number of trans women here and it’s a very accepting place
P.S. I’m one of them.
Ally,
If the harassment is verbal only, sometimes freezing is actually the best response. I think they want a reaction. I find they’re a bit less likely to escalate if I just pretend I didn’t hear or see them then if I engage. Feed the trolls till the burst is great online but IRL it’s not practical or safe.
It’s a different story if the harassment is physical. If a lot of people are around, making a scene and yelling something along of the lines of “don’t touch me!” will get people to look at you. It’s embarrassing, but the attention often scares the predator away.
Short, vicious jabs at the solar plexus, the shins, the groin and the kidneys? If someone escalates further, you move on to the eyes, the nose and the throat? The last three are potentially fatal, so never, ever strike someone in those areas without some serious due concern.
More helpful advice that’s not about disabling mammals – I’ve always found that a very perplexed “Sorry, what are you doing?” makes people lock up. It’s a bit tough to get the intonation correct, but you have to sound like you’re just incredibly puzzled and confused that this is a thing that is happening, because it forces whoever is being an ass to either answer you, in which case they have to state out loud something like: “I am taking your earbuds”, or “I am poking you for fun” or “I am touching you because you are a pretty”, or they have to ignore you and proceed with what they’re doing.
In the first case, them having said that out loud means they either stop (because they’re forced to acknowledge their behaviour is SO NOT OKAY) or you can answer “Well, stop that, I don’t like it”, and other people nearby have now clearly heard you state that you don’t like what someone is admitting to doing, so you have 100 % clear access to walking away / getting help / attention. Any escalation from their part is now totally not cool, you win this round of social aikido.
In the second case, someone is proceeding with what they’re doing despite your protests, which means you go directly to “Stop that”, and you have the social backing of everyone around you. Sometimes you get the really glip / guilt-less types who go “Having fun”, or “Oh, nothing”, and then you just proceed to “Stop that, please”, and boom.
Handsy strangers are the worst. At least when it normally happens to me I’m dressed like a monster and armed to the teeth.
@WWTH
I guess it makes sense to just freeze. (I’ve only been verbally harassed.) I just wish I had another way to deal with it.
Oh, sometimes I’ve noticed that being stoned out of mind makes harassment easier to deal with because I’m more likely to comfortably go all “Dude, what are you doing?” and not freeze up as much. The problem with that approach, of course, is the being high part.
Ally, my guess is that you’d freeze less if you had a strategy. Could you decide on a response you’d feel comfortable with and practice that with someone you feel comfortable with? Like anything else, repetition and practice builds both familiarity and confidence.
That Tumblr Nice Guy is using that “Women wonder why nice guys don’t approach them” line I’ve seen a million times. It’s this weird assumption a lot of Nice Guys make that any woman they’d want to approach must be single, attracted to men, wanting to be in a relationship right then, and bemoaning how very hard it is to find someone nice. Because being a lesbian, I don’t exist, neither does my friend with an anxiety disorder who doesn’t want to date because socializing with anyone new is so stressful, neither does my other friend who’s asexual, and neither do the dozens of women I know personally who are committed monogamous relationships.
…and as per Fibinachi, “Dude, what ARE you doing?” is a pretty good non-escalating response. Say it in the same tone you’d use if someone was going to stick their hand in a blender.
@Fibinachi
Your advice about non-violent defense is really helpful. Thanks. :}
@gillyrosebee
The thing is, my way of coping with an uncomfortable situation with someone is to intellectualize the conversation. Ideally, if someone touched me inappropriately or violated my boundaries some other way, I’d like to have the courage to calmly respond with an explanation of why I didn’t like that behavior and a request for them to stop. And hope that they’d understand and leave me alone. But a lot of people are unreasonable, so I guess that idea will just remain unrealistic.
I get it, I have a tendency to intellectualize too. The only problem I have with part 1 of your response is that you don’t owe anyone the “why” and it’s a bad idea to enable that bit of acculturation, in my opinion. Not to mention the fact that the kind of people who are gonna do the harassing 1. are only interested in you inasmuch as they like to upset people, 2. aren’t the kind of people who are going to listen, let alone actually hear what you saying and 3. if they do hear you, are more likely to use “why” information to be more of an asshole.
This is one of those, “would you rather be right or would you rather be happy” issues. Yes, you are right that it would be great if we could sit idiots down for a lecture (with full color glossy photos with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one) in why their behavior is unacceptable and must change. But they aren’t going to listen and they will find the spectacle of you feeling the need to justify yourself to them personally satisfying.
So, skip to part 2. And tell, don’t ask. “Stop that and leave me alone,” is a perfectly appropriate thing to say in this kind of instance.
This is a troll, right? Can someone really think this way? If so, I’m wearing ear buds anytime I go out. I won’t even play any music on them.
If this not a joke. This is not creepy. Arrogant beyond arrogant for sure. also Jerk like and very immature. I am honestly shocked that he didn’t pull her ear buds out. Now that is creepy
@emma
First retake you buds. figure out if he is mental disabled or in need of actual help. if not tell him, in any way you like not to do that again. then if the problem goes on spray.
Ear buds are a signal the wearer is not receptive to an advance and thus saves the nice guy time and trouble. If someone approaches anyway, they deserve any sort of rude rejection they get.
@gillyrosebee
You’re so right. I think I feel that way because all my life I’ve felt obligated to educate everyone and fix their problems. And if I slip up, I’m nothing.
Anyway, thank you for talking to me. It helps to talk about these things openly because I’ve been triggered by thoughts of harassment all day today. I still feel anxious as hell but at least I’ve received some really good advice.
Something about this comment really rubs me the wrong way.