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"Would You Kill a Pony for Me?" and other real dating questions asked by an imaginary Swedish Girl

This pic has nothing to do with the post today, but it does feature a giant chicken, from a film called "The Hoboken Chicken Emergency."
This pic has nothing to do with the post today, but it does feature a giant chicken, from a film called “The Hoboken Chicken Emergency.”

Today, something a bit lighter than usual. Someone recently posted the a link in the comments here to a hilarious blog called Swedish Girl Seeking, which displays the results of a simple but wicked dating site experiment being carried out by a couple of funny Swedes.

The two – a female comic book artist and a male comedian – set up a phony dating profile featuring a “blonde, happy-go-lucky, kind of over-sexual cliché of a Swedish woman.” (The female half of the couple posed in a cheap blond wig for the pics.)

When a legion of hopeful, horny men besieged the imaginary girl’s inbox with come-ons ranging from awkward to crude, the Swedes responded with surreal silliness. And then posted the most ridiculous conversations online.

While there are a few genuinely creepy messages amongst the dozens posted on the site – it looks like the Swedish duo kept the worst messages to themselves – the most amazing ones reflect a certain willful obliviousness on the part of the hopeful male admirers. Nothing she says is too bizarre to faze them.

swedishbedwet

Well, almost nothing.

Swedishnicepics

But guy after guy just keeps on going. Heck, this guy tries to work her completely ludicrous story into his suggestive spiel:

swedishking

And this guy, it seems, is willing to promise her anything to get in her Swedish pants:

swedishpony

Dude, dude!

You’re making us all look bad.

I ended up working my way through every post on the blog. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like there will be any more: the last update was in February. Oh well.

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Marie
Marie
6 years ago

@walter

I wasn’t calling the comedy group or whover crazy. I was looking at it from the perspective of the emailer who doesn’t know that it’s a hoax and thinks that it’s a real person.

wait I just realized.

I
don’t
care.

It was ableist, regardless of your intent. fuck off.

Walter
Walter
6 years ago

@hrovitnir (in regards to ableism)

I see. That’s fair.

In terms of talking to someone with no personality just for sex, maybe that’s just the best they can do. To steal the words of someone else, those guys are uninteresting and mediocre. No one else wants them. Why shouldn’t they go after the person who is at least saying something to them?

@Katz

I wouldn’t spend that time doing anything worthwhile anyway. Mght as well waste it on something potentially humurous.

Walter
Walter
6 years ago

@David

If you’re lonely enough being with a dangerous person is better than being alone.

In my experience writing personalized emails doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s better just to let women email you.

Marie
Marie
6 years ago

@walter

If you’re lonely enough being with a dangerous person is better than being alone.

um…

wow.

no comment.

Zolnier
Zolnier
6 years ago

I can’t help but think a lot of these guys do recognise this as a joke. I mean come on exiled Swedish harem slave? Sounds like a Sacha Baron Cohen character if he could disguise himself as a woman.

hrovitnir
hrovitnir
6 years ago

David Futrelle
Another thought: What makes the pony guy’s messages creepy is that either he’s willing to do ANYTHING for sex, including murdering someone’s pet, which makes him a deeply shitty person.

Or (much more likely) that he’s paying no attention to what she’s saying and just going along with whatever she’s saying so that he can get with her.

Oo, what he said. (I was ignoring the *murdering someone’s pet* part because I was assuming the latter. Don’t want to think about it.)

Ally S
6 years ago

If you’re lonely enough being with a dangerous person is better than being alone.

Speaking as someone who used to live with only abusive people, I can safely say that this is demonstrably false.

Walter
Walter
6 years ago

@Ally S / David

I’m not saying that lonely people should enter into abusive relationships or dangerous situations, just that when you reach a certain level of loneliness those situations seem better than being alone. I’m not saying that they are, but that’s how they seem.

That’s definitely how it was for me when I was in an abusive relationship. It was only emotionally abusive, so maybe my perspective isn’t relevant, but that was my perspective.

hrovitnir
hrovitnir
6 years ago

It’s not “only” emotional abuse. I think people are being very suspicious because you are giving a lot of benefit of the doubt and there are a lot of apologists on the internet, doubly so here.

We understand what loneliness can do, and how you can be manipulated into/into staying in an abusive relationship. The problem is that the men that treat women like affection (and/or sex) dispensors is that the probably cover a large swathe of mental states from achingly lonely to simply entitled.

And regardless of where you’re coming from, women are absolutely beaten down by the entitled men treating them like sex dispensors for existing on the internet. It doesn’t matter if you’re horribly depressed when your actions are identical to every other person who has ignored your personhood and abused you when you don’t like it.

So these quotes are little snapshots of the awful, awful behaviour that women on dating sites (or blogs, or gaming sites, or anywhere women admit to being female on the internet) are inundated with and consequently we have no time for it.

CreepyPms on Reddit can elucidate you on this problem – they’re not all male on female, but a vast majority are, and vary from only being creepy because you recognise the dog whistles to horrendous abuse, with a big helping of rapeyness.

hrovitnir
hrovitnir
6 years ago

Oh man, English fail. I meant to say that men harassing women online vary from well meaning to very much not so but when their actions are identical it’s a moot point. And no matter how awful you feel, you are not entitled to affection from strangers.

Rea
Rea
6 years ago

“If the guys aren’t getting responses, they might want to actually read the profiles of the women they’re messaging rather than, say, telling every woman with a “hot” profile pic that she’s beautiful and that they’d do anything for her.”

You are so right. I have a profile on an Internet dating site. While I won’t call my picture “hot”, it does get reactions from varied guys who respond in ways that clearly show they have not read my profile. For example, my profile mentions that I only want to sleep with a man if he marries me (note: this is not a judgment of others with other values, it is what I prefer) – but the majority of guys who contact me with some pick-up line has profiles that say they want only “short term fun” with many profiles and messages immediately suggesting what explicit kind of fun they want.

Or they ask things that clearly show they never read my profile – the answers are in it! Or fail to see that I actually live 1500 km from them and that we are not likely to meet anytime soon. Only once did a guy respond and actually say something of the contents of the profile. Which means that only one respondent ever acted from the start as if that profile belonged to a human being, whose preferences are at least worthy of being noticed.

So, if there is something straight guys on Internet dating sites can do to really stand out in the minds of women, they could, IMO, make their first contact a comment on the personality explained in her profile.

Auntie Alias
Auntie Alias
6 years ago

Shaenon, the non-creep person in that conversation is hilarious!

I am a writing mass of horror and gnashing teeth.

Kim
Kim
6 years ago

You know how OKC has a “You should contact me if…” bit at the end? Mine had a “this is something you could talk to me about” in it. When they can’t be bothered to engage with a profile that makes it that easy, there is something seriously wrong with them.

That said, I did get a lot of nice, thoughtful messages (which often did lead to dates and relationships) and none of the bad ones were memorably awful.

hrovitnir
hrovitnir
6 years ago

That sounds like an excellent plan for upping your likelihood of interesting messages Kim.

kittehserf
6 years ago

David said what I was trying to, but much more clearly.

I haven’t eaten enough chocolate biscuits today. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

If you’re lonely enough being with a dangerous person is better than being alone.

Walter – no, just no. Please don’t generalise your experience, or try to excuse these men’s behaviour under that cover. I’ve been intensely lonely too; I’m fifty and it’s only seven years since I started my first relationship*, but never, never would I have dreamed of being with a dangerous person just to avoid being alone. I didn’t even consider being with “not-dangerous people who weren’t the person I loved” as acceptable substitutes (because hey, individuals, not generic replacements).

*which plenty of people don’t even recognise as being one

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

If any Mammothers are in San Diego, I hope you’re safe. Things are getting pretty bad 🙁

katz
6 years ago

I wouldn’t spend that time doing anything worthwhile anyway. Mght as well waste it on something potentially humurous.

Everything you say makes your life sound sadder and sadder. Shall I make you a list of volunteer opportunities and/or free cultural events in your area?

kittehserf
6 years ago

Walter, crumbs, would you really spend time on the internet sending messages to someone you know is trolling you, or who you think could be dangerous, just because it might be funny or (infinitesimaly less likely) you think you could get into her pants?

Why bother? I mean, if you want to muck about and enjoy some silliness on the internet, you can do it without the whole “I’m only interested in sex and don’t give a shit about her as a person” messages those dudes are sending. There are so many sites where you can have actual conversations and even make actual friends. I’ve just got back from the US and guess what: I had lunch with one of the Mammotheers, and it would have been more if the Evil Gods of Ill Health and General Crapitude hadn’t stuck their noses in.

Believe me, I spend hours upon hours on the internet too, even more now I’m out of work, but there are WAY better things to do even in that subset than wave one’s boner at strangers.

emma
emma
6 years ago

OT: Vox Day has just declared on his blog that there is no such thing as marital rape:
http://voxday.blogspot.com/2014/05/marital-sex-is-never-rape.html

The comments underneath, in enthusiastic support of his position, are as chilling in their depravity as the original post.

contrapangloss
6 years ago

That thread is awful.

Dudes, if the only tangible benefit of marriage is sex, you’re doing it wrong.

emma
emma
6 years ago

Isn’t it just? And they wonder why women flee marriage in droves.

It is ironic and deeply disturbing at the same time that VD, an unmarried misogynist extraordinaire, repulsive to womankind since the first time he opened his mouth, is dispensing marital advice for the equally misogynist masses. And they listen to him, the expert on marriage that he is.

kittehserf
6 years ago

It’s also a fair bet that if that’s the only benefit they think they’re getting, then the women are getting none. Or rather, any benefit there might have been has been cancelled out, and the score is now in the negatives.

kittehserf
6 years ago

emma – I think VD (oh how apt those initials are) is married.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

Why did I read that?

To one commenter, this is worse than rape

There is no justification for a wife’s repeatedly and cruelly depriving her husband of sex, telling him no over and over again, nagging and taunting him, and insulting his sexuality. And there is no justification for that woman demanding that that deprived man then give her half of the marital assets and his children and an income stream for two decades for the privilege simply of not having to suffer that deprivation any longer. There is no good warrant for supporting laws that would allow such things.

Gross ick no

katz
6 years ago

it would have been more if the Evil Gods of Ill Health and General Crapitude hadn’t stuck their noses in.

This is how I feel about that.

emma
emma
6 years ago

Oh, kittehserf, that cannot possibly be true… can it? (shudder)

There is no mention of a wife in the Wiki blurb about him. I cannot conceive of an actual human woman associating herself in any intimate capacity with this individual, but I’ve been wrong about these things before (e.g., Elam).

Rea
Rea
6 years ago

He either
A) has an insulting wife with a razor tongue who comments (defends all he say) under the name Spacebunny
Or
B) an Internet persona named Spacebunny that is him commenting, but pretending to be someone else. (If I understand the SFWA right, he sometimes does that – using more than one name on the Internet to get insulting.)

kittehserf
6 years ago

katz – Grumpy Toad! O8

I feel the same, actually.

emma – I hope you’re right; I think I’ve seen mention of him being married, but it would only be in blog comments anyway, so it’s not exactly an indisputable source.

I love Rational Wiki’s article on him, especially the opening lines:

“Theodore Beale, known by his pseudonym Vox Day, is a science fiction author, game designer, musician, pseudo-libertarian, anti-vaxxer, racist, Christian apologist, pickup artist, stalker, and all-round fucking idiot.”

AL3H
AL3H
6 years ago

@Walter

To add to what other people have said, describing someone as crazy is also a common gas-lighting tactic.

If you’re lonely enough being with a dangerous person is better than being alone.

I would like to second/third/fourth the NOPE!!

I would suggest that hobbies are much more effective at combating loneliness than abusive relationships. Hobbies that you share with other people, even more excellent because then you have the possibility of fun *and* social interaction. 🙂

One of my friends did volunteer dog walking for an animal shelter. It did wonders for his mood and his self esteem. Also, from what he said, the staff and other volunteers at the animal shelter were really kind people, so he enjoyed the opportunity to get to know them. This is just one example, but there are many other volunteer organisations doing all kinds of interesting work out there.

@emma

o.O

Apparently it is possible to dislike Vox Day more.

@kittehserf

Also from your linked article:

“He is the only person to be kicked out of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America in its nearly fifty year history.”

I am torn between finding this reassuring and finding it hilarious.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

“He is the only person to be kicked out of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America in its nearly fifty year history

And yet he was nominated for a Hugo? I are confused. What was he kicked out for?

When I did online dating, I had a little thing in my profile along the lines of “use the word ‘mayonnaise’ somewhere in your reply for extra reading comprehension brownie points and hilarity!” It weeded out the guys who were only looking at my photo, and made for some fun ice-breaker emails.

tesformes
6 years ago

@Buttercup

He was kicked out for using the official Twitter account of the SFWA to post racist rants about other authors. Guy’s a real piece of work.

http://www.jimchines.com/2013/06/racist-takes-dump-in-sfwa-twitter-stream-news-at-11/

Howard Bannister
6 years ago

So, the SFWA is a body of writers.

The Hugos are a function of WorldCon, which is entirely separate. You don’t have to be in the SFWA to receive a Hugo.

The Hugos are basically voted on by everybody who goes to WorldCon, and everybody who buys a non-attending membership and votes. (something like 40$?)

emma
emma
6 years ago

Thanks for the Rational Wiki link, kittehserf. It points out that, among other things, VD already made his views on non-existence of marital rape known in 2009, and much more vividly and nastily.

It appears, though, that in 2009, the response to his views was somewhat different, as he was immediately attacked for them. It is quite something to see that, five years later, he’s getting support and accolades (from his sycophants, but still). He does not allow anonymous commenting on his blog now, which may partially account for the difference; and maybe people “in the know” have become immune to outbursts of his depravity, but still.

emma
emma
6 years ago

Thank you, David.

zoon echon logon
zoon echon logon
6 years ago

So, can a wife have surprise strapon buttsex with her husband anytime she feels like and that’s also not rape?

Nitram
Nitram
6 years ago

I loved the one where the guy called her a “10” and she said “most people call me a 9, because of my toes.” Lol!!!

Winter Walker
6 years ago

Wow. VD is even more disgusting than I previously thought. I’m not sure what disturbs me more about him – the fact that he may actually be married, or the fact that he sounds a hell of a lot like my biological father-monster.

Oh and Walter, if you think being with someone dangerous is better than being alone, adopt a cat. Those entitled little fuzzballs can get vicious, especially if they’re on the nip!

daintydougal
daintydougal
6 years ago

The comments under voxpoxskankpants – its just like ‘whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’

You like the idea of being able to do whatever you want without ever being told no. That doesn’t make you a superior highly- intellectual godly specimen, it makes you an obnoxious toddler.

Winter Walker
6 years ago

@Nequam: I was thinking of the Trocs when I wrote that! They do gender-fuckery with such style and grace. 🙂 And I want to steal half their costumes. If they’d fit. 🙁

Marie
Marie
6 years ago

@walter

seconding hrovintir, it’s not “only” emotional abuse, and it really sucks that you went through that.

@katz

I wouldn’t spend that time doing anything worthwhile anyway. Mght as well waste it on something potentially humurous.

Everything you say makes your life sound sadder and sadder. Shall I make you a list of volunteer opportunities and/or free cultural events in your area?

Heck, even if it’s not doing something constructive instead of bugging girls on the internet (idk if our troll has depression, but when my depression’s acting up ‘do something useful instead’ helps 0) there are plenty of things to do that aren’t bugging women on the internet.

Play your favorite videogame, watch bad tv, talk to people who actually want to talk to you on the internet. Cuddle a pet, if you have one. Listen to music. I know everyone’s milage may vary, but those are some things you could do, instead, walter, even if you aren’t feeling constructive.

opium4themasses
opium4themasses
6 years ago

I second Marie’s suggestions. People can’t diagnose from a afar, especially nonprofessionals, but the stuff you say sounds like me at my most depressed.

I don’t know if any of these guys are depressed either. For those desperate based on some poor sense of self-worth, I understand but don’t absolve. Hurting others because you hate yourself is still hurting others. I would hope that any such afflicted get the help they need right after they stop hurting other people.

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

David, they made a movie out of the HOBOKEN CHICKEN EMERGENCY? Why did I not know this? 8D Daniel Pinkwater is awesome!

RE: Walter

If you’re lonely enough being with a dangerous person is better than being alone.

Nope. Been abused. Been abused a lot. I’d rather be a hermit in the woods forever than do that again. Nope, nope, nope.

You really don’t sound happy, dude.

(Also, I never thought to be grateful that my suicidal depression was just a constant mental chant of “kill yourself, kill yourself, nobody will miss you.” Now I am, because I still find that superior to being in an abusive relationship.)