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Chewing on gristle at Chateau Heartiste

Heartiste's nonsense is a bit hard to swallow.
Heartiste’s nonsense is a bit hard to swallow.

I‘m beginning to wonder if Chateau Heartiste isn’t so much a “Game” blog as it is an elaborate unannounced contest to see who can say the worst possible things about women in the most pretentiously incoherent prose. My evidence? Heartiste’s latest choice for “comment of the week” from an aspiring ladykiller (hopefully not literally) who calls himself burke.

Burke’s grand insight into the female of the species?

if you could grind a woman’s entire being to dust with your dick, like a mortar and pestle, that’s the oblivion she is searching for

Well, that’s pretty good, as far as pretentious douchebagginess goes, but it’s almost coherent. I mean, dicks are roughly the same basic shape as pestles, and it’s not hard to visualize one grinding away in a little stone bowl. Hell, there’s probably some porn video out there featuring just that.

But then Heartiste comes along and offers his own comment on the comment, and shows burke just how it’s done. And by “it” I mean “awful, pretentious, incoherent misogyny.”

Insight elevated to sheer poetry by the breezy lack of punctuation. Women secretly desire their oblivion at the insistence of an imperious man. As the vessel sex, they must be filled with the life force of another — a powerful man, or a child — to fully experience sublimation of their souls. Thus it is that surrender is encoded in the gristle of woman.

The gristle? It’s “encoded in the gristle?”

Gristle is cartilage. The tough stuff in meat that’s hard to chew. The stuff that sharks have instead of bone. Nothing is “encoded” in it. Animals don’t store all of their genetic material in their gristle.

The somewhat archaic phrase “in the gristle” means “not yet hardened into bone or strengthened into sinew” or, more broadly, “young, weak, and unformed.” It’s not a fancy synonym for “in the genes.”

Here’s the phrase in a sentence — that is, in a sentence written by someone who actually knew how to use language.

A people who are still, as it were, but in the gristle, and not yet hardened into the bone of manhood.

Well, come to think of it, that’s a sentence fragment, not a sentence. But at least Edmund Burke understood why that particular metaphoric phrase made sense in that context.

Heartiste, not even competently pretentious.

 

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kittehserf
10 years ago

my dad expressed his concerns about whether my mom’s then-boyfriend had a circumcised penis

Okay, it’s a small thing compared to all the other shit your parent’s said and done, but … the fuck? The words NONE OF HIS BUSINESS come to mind.

wordsp1nner
wordsp1nner
10 years ago

My sex ed was okay in high school, but in retrospect it was a horrorshow in elementary school. They were banned from teaching us about sex (and said so explicitly) but required to teach us about AIDS. So they couldn’t talk about the most common method of transmission, wouldn’t talk about the biology in detail (because elementary school) and somehow convinced me that if I touched blood (even my own) or someone else’s saliva, I’d get AIDS. Yeah.

Also, one of my friends ended up with the impression that sex meant cheating on your wife. Because of Bill Clinton. My mom had told me about the mechanics of sex when I was younger, but I somehow didn’t realize that it was something people did on purpose, so I wondered how the penis got through any underwear people were wearing, and then I promptly forgot about it for years. Despite watching way too many nature documentaries.

kittehserf
10 years ago

so I wondered how the penis got through any underwear people were wearing, and then I promptly forgot about it for years. Despite watching way too many nature documentaries.

Well, no wonder you didn’t get it: those animals should’ve had their knickers on.

Ally S
10 years ago

Okay, it’s a small thing compared to all the other shit your parent’s said and done, but … the fuck? The words NONE OF HIS BUSINESS come to mind.

Well, everything is his business because he’s an entitled shit who imposes his morals on everyone. It mattered to him (and probably still matters to him) because in his Islamic sect circumcision is obligatory.

I agree that it’s a small thing, but in retrospect I think his casual mention of circumcision was really inappropriate to say in front of his own children. I was 12 and even then it was obvious that he mentioned circumcision in the context of sex. The way he said those words still bothers me to this day – it was so invasive and creepy.

kittehserf
10 years ago

Oh, missed Winter Walker’s question upthread:

Does anyone else here have troubles with the yeastie-beasties

I’ve had two, three yeast infections that I can remember, and they responded to prescription ointments, thank goodness. Horrible things while they last, though.

I seem to recall an OTC med I used having another sharp plastic applicator. Brilliant, manufacturers, thanks a lot.

kittehserf
10 years ago

Ally = yeah, invasive and creepy are your parental unit’s default settings. I gathered he’d be fizzing about it ‘cos of being a bigotedMuslim*. And you were 12!!??!

Words fail.

*I posted that as one word deliberately.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
10 years ago

Two things.

1. As a general rule, I would really rather not discuss the finer points of anyone’s genitalia with my parents, because wow, that’s awkward. I’m fairly sure I’m not unique in this regard.
2. The precise genital configuration of the people who your exes are currently boning is relevant to you how, exactly? If you’re not involved with them any more it doesn’t concern you.

contrapangloss
10 years ago

Oh, dear, elementary sex ed stories?

We only really started in fourth grade. All the guys would clear off to one room, and the girls would clear off to another. We’d watch dorky videos that I really can’t recall anything about other than bright colors and “You can’t catch AIDS from a swimming pool, a hug, or a toilet seat”. I think they covered puberty, because I remember knowing about them by the end of elementary school… but that might have been through my folks.

The one sentence I actually remember hearing my folks say, was my mother telling me: “Sex is the absolute most ridiculous looking, awkward thing you will ever do. But, with the right person, it’s also really, really fun.” I made a face, because swapping bodily fluids still sounded gross to me. She then gave my dad what I now recognize as a very chaste kiss, and I ran away covering my eyes, yelling “EW-EW-EW-EW-EW!!!”. Yeah, I was a brat.

There was more hands on stuff, too:

My mom was always into horses, so we’d wake up early in the spring to attend horse foalings and breedings at a local ranch owned by a friend of ours.

I also turned my (then future) second grade teacher (a very straight laced young man) a very, very bright red by giving him a very clinical description of what they do to stud-colts to make them mild mannered geldings. It was kind of fun, and the shade of red was a rather interesting color.

He didn’t want to make me shut up, because a student was actually showing motivation and stuff in the first grade, but at the same time… I think he was hoping for a save, but the other teacher on door duty was too busy trying not to laugh. And then, the next fall, guess what midget was actually in his class? Muahahahaha!!!!

As I said, I was a bit of a brat. Kind of a precocious brat, but a brat none the less.

Then, when my mom finally got a couple horses of her own, we got to learn even more about horse reproductive biology. Once you’ve thoroughly cleaned a horse’s sheath, let’s just say when these self proclaimed ‘alpha’ types boast about being hung like a horse, it makes you burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Yeah…no. Being hung like a horse would not be fun. Being hung like a human is much, much better.

kittehserf
10 years ago

Two things.

1. As a general rule, I would really rather not discuss the finer points of anyone’s genitalia with my parents, because wow, that’s awkward. I’m fairly sure I’m not unique in this regard.
2. The precise genital configuration of the people who your exes are currently boning is relevant to you how, exactly? If you’re not involved with them any more it doesn’t concern you

.

Seconded. Though it’d be more Mum’s embarassment or just not-her-favourite-subject than mine, not that I would want to talk about it other than very generally with her anyway.

And seconded all over again for the second point. Even without Ally’s dad’s particular hangups, that’s just … wow, insecure much?

@contrapangloss – LOL you were definitely a precocious brat. 😀

We didn’t have any sex ed at all in primary school. Mind you, I did sixth grade in 1975, so that’s no great surprise. We had some in first form, and our English teacher (damn I admired her) had after-class sessions for any girls who were interested, but I soon lost interest because Mum had long since made sure I grasped the basics of the workings (she bought me Where Did I Come From and What’s Happening To Me?, hadn’t had any trouble with using pads, and had NO interest in boys whatsoever.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
10 years ago

I’m just picturing her Dad being all “An unauthorized penis has touched my former property! This is an outrage! Kids, let’s talk about what a terrible thing your mother has done” and the kids being all “wow, awkward”. I’ll be amazed if any of them are still talking to him once they’re a bit further into adulthood.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
10 years ago

is there a “wet” method of using the mortar and pestle that I’m unaware of?

Well, it’s technically “wet” (as in contains water) is you freeze your fresh sample cold enough to make it brittle. Like, rinsed in liquid nitrogen cold (-196 C/-320 F).

I wouldn’t recommend using liquid N as a lube, though.

titianblue
titianblue
10 years ago

I remembe, at the age of around 5 or 6, being told by another child of the same age the basic mechanics of PiV sex. I considered the information and concluded that it was physically impossible and that therefore the other child must be mistaken. I promptly forgot all about it until Sex Ed (which was abysmal) some years later.

And onthe whole TMI subject, did any other vagina-owner have this thing where everyone said that menstruation meant producing blood so when I got my first one and it was just dark brown gunk, I was confused and wondered what the hell was happening? Parents, please explain to your cis daughters & trans sons that the first time probably won’t be like bright red blood and that that is not a problem.

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

You can use a pestle and mortar to make wet pastes (for curry etc) but I think we’re clutching at straws. Also that a vagina is just a separate bowl for spunk disposal instead of a complicated integral part of a person. Ick.

I don’t think cis guys (that I know) go to any great lengths to clean their foreskins, maybe its like the tampon/applicator thing – if not many people have foreskins it becomes more complicated – if not many people have used a tampon without an applicator it becomes more complicated. AND that probably made no sense.

Also the ‘woman being dry during sex’ business, could this again come down to foreskins? A penis with an intact foreskin can lubricate itself (cue lots of confusion over American lube and socks jokes) so without a foreskin would everything need to be ‘rougher’ to get more sensation? So many penis questions.

daintydougal
daintydougal
10 years ago

My parents were very open about sex but I still got it in my head that the penis goes in the bellybutton.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
10 years ago

I had a relatively decent sex ed in school. Here are some lowlights paraphrased:

Religious ed teacher: “I’m not saying you should abstain til marriage, but consider that the more partners you have, the less special each one of them will feel.”

Visiting sex educator: “Masturbation is totally OK, if you can’t spend all your energy on real hobbies.”

Boys’ physical ed teacher: “there’s some material on STDs and condoms and stuff, but I think you already know the basics, and besides I doubt any of you are visiting Russian prostitutes anyway.”

In what would equal US high school, I made a group presentation with some girls on female genital mutilation. Turned out I knew more about female genital anatomy than they did. I was the kind of bio-nerdy boy who had no trouble discussing female genitalia and sexuality in a totally serious and not a little splainy manner.

I civil service (an alternative to conscript military service here) we had one mandatory sex ed class, because such things look good in training program. Only, nobody had bothered to define what exactly should be taught, so the visiting sex educator just chatted random sex-related stuff. She (a middle-aged woman) made a big deal on appearing “cool” and “edgy” to avoid being dismissed by the audience (young men) as either boring or sex harassment target. Like, “It’s time for a break, and I totally expect you to listen against the door while I pee in the toilet”. She talked on how you should make a point on complimenting the tightness of your partner’s vagina, assuming it deserves any compliments. She also had this personal agenda of rehabilitating certain rude words meaning vulva/vagina into everyday language.

kittehserf
10 years ago

Visiting sex educator: “Masturbation is totally OK, if you can’t spend all your energy on real hobbies.”

::splut:: That sounds like snark to throw at an MRA troll rather than anything else.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
10 years ago

And onthe whole TMI subject, did any other vagina-owner have this thing where everyone said that menstruation meant producing blood

(Not a vagina owner) I used to assume that menstrual “blood” was basically intrauterine fluid and some mucus mixed with few drops of blood.

Then I learned that most women actually bleed enough to equal one or few blood donations a year. The more you know.

Malitia
Malitia
10 years ago

Totally TMI menstruation talk from a mostly lurker.

Well… my menstruation in the early years was excessive. Much blood and a 10-14 days period. I ended up having a 2 month long one when I was 12 and almost bled to death. My mom tried to seek help but because Hungary, in the summer (doctors on vacation etc.).so it took more than a month to find someone who would even look at me. And my period is irregular or nonexistent ever since. But yeah when I have one: Blood. Lots of blood. (Also I can’t stand blood so, it was awful.) And pain. Much pain. :/

kittehserf
10 years ago

Malitia, that’s awful!

Malitia
Malitia
10 years ago

My current diagnosis thanks to this charming little town’s hospital: “Well, nothing seems to be wrong so it’s most likely hormonal imbalance.” which is probably the most captain obvious one possible. But at least they checked if I have a cyst or anything visibly wrong before concluding this*.

* I have very low expectations regarding our health care system. :]

titianblue
titianblue
10 years ago

@Malitiia, sorry you wnent through that and I’m glad they checked.

Once it got going, my menstruation was so heavy that I became anaemic but happily got caught before the life-threatening stage (but after the stage where walking up one step made me breathless. Seriously) and spent decades on iron tablets just to keep up with the monthly blood loss..

Later on, in my 40s, everything got as you describe – more time menstruating than not and so heavy I was basically hemorrhaging. Turned out I had pre-cancer. So if you get problems again, make sure the doctors take you seriously. May be nothing, may be really important.

IMO We vagina-owners need to talk openly and honestly and frequently about our kit and how it behaves because if we don’t, we are mssing out on useful and important informtion. IME, it is so neglected by healthcare unless you’re trying to get pregnant.

Luzbelitx
10 years ago

what’s it like using a cup?

Ok, this might take TMI one step further.

Physically I feel it much like a tampon -I forget it’s even there. Except I do feel the blood leaking down into the cup sometimes, and it helps me be more conscious about when to empty it.

Tampons are easier to pull out, but I got used really quickly to the cup. Pressing it a little bit usually breaks the vacuum seal, and it also helps to push out with my vagina muscles (Idk if there’s a special name for them), as in a Kegel exercise.

The tricky part is to be able to replace it in a comfortable and private place, but in an emergency I can get through with any public toilet available and enough toilet paper.

I hope this answers your question, and if not you’re welcome to keep asking 🙂

Luzbelitx
10 years ago

IMO We vagina-owners need to talk openly and honestly and frequently about our kit and how it behaves

Absolutely.

I would even add “publicly”.

Lea
Lea
10 years ago