I‘m beginning to wonder if Chateau Heartiste isn’t so much a “Game” blog as it is an elaborate unannounced contest to see who can say the worst possible things about women in the most pretentiously incoherent prose. My evidence? Heartiste’s latest choice for “comment of the week” from an aspiring ladykiller (hopefully not literally) who calls himself burke.
Burke’s grand insight into the female of the species?
if you could grind a woman’s entire being to dust with your dick, like a mortar and pestle, that’s the oblivion she is searching for
Well, that’s pretty good, as far as pretentious douchebagginess goes, but it’s almost coherent. I mean, dicks are roughly the same basic shape as pestles, and it’s not hard to visualize one grinding away in a little stone bowl. Hell, there’s probably some porn video out there featuring just that.
But then Heartiste comes along and offers his own comment on the comment, and shows burke just how it’s done. And by “it” I mean “awful, pretentious, incoherent misogyny.”
Insight elevated to sheer poetry by the breezy lack of punctuation. Women secretly desire their oblivion at the insistence of an imperious man. As the vessel sex, they must be filled with the life force of another — a powerful man, or a child — to fully experience sublimation of their souls. Thus it is that surrender is encoded in the gristle of woman.
The gristle? It’s “encoded in the gristle?”
Gristle is cartilage. The tough stuff in meat that’s hard to chew. The stuff that sharks have instead of bone. Nothing is “encoded” in it. Animals don’t store all of their genetic material in their gristle.
The somewhat archaic phrase “in the gristle” means “not yet hardened into bone or strengthened into sinew” or, more broadly, “young, weak, and unformed.” It’s not a fancy synonym for “in the genes.”
Here’s the phrase in a sentence — that is, in a sentence written by someone who actually knew how to use language.
A people who are still, as it were, but in the gristle, and not yet hardened into the bone of manhood.
Well, come to think of it, that’s a sentence fragment, not a sentence. But at least Edmund Burke understood why that particular metaphoric phrase made sense in that context.
Heartiste, not even competently pretentious.
Lemme guess…the doctors were all male? Because if I were a doctor and a girl came to me with that, the first thing I’d say would be “Okay, hop up on the table and I’ll check this out.” I started using tampons at 12, after my first two or three periods. I’d started getting it semi-regularly (it was way too heavy for pads alone), and never had a problem with ’em. Most users don’t. So an anatomical problem would be the first thing to look for, one would think…but of course, with male doctors, every problem women have is just in their pretty widdle heads. Ol’ Siggy Freud has a LOT to answer for.
Something tells me that reading braille with my vulva would strike fear into the hearts of these men. Awesome!
Ah, tampon talk! This should be bookmarked for whenever some pretentious jackass comes by with more evo-psych. The misters seem awfully averse to forthright discussions of the pros and cons of vagina maintenance.
I was lucky enough in my day to have an awesome bunch of teachers. The school had us divide into boy classes and girl classes for a few sessions of health ed, where we got to see a film and then ask the kinds of questions that we might not be willing to do in front of boys. Those ladies (there was a team of about four or five I seem to remember, all the girls from all the health classes from that grade together with their teachers and some really frank talk.
One of the best things they did was get together a bunch of tampons and put them on a board to show how very different each one was (given that many of the girls had never really had the whole thing explained let alone got a chance to see one up close this was a great thing). One of the teachers suggested that starting out with an applicator tampon was a good idea because it helped with proper positioning (most girls who found it uncomfortable usually didn’t have it placed correctly). She demonstrated it for everyone and then they opened a box and handed them around for everyone to look at, handle and take apart. The suggestion was that once you had the basic process down, you could and should experiment until you found one that worked for you. And if your parents weren’t willing to buy you five or six different types to let you try them out, you could get them from the school nurse.
I loved that school; their pedagogy was pretty clearly (now that I look back on it) centered on demystifying things, breaking them down so that nothing seemed strange or foreign or unapproachable or out of bounds. Boys in home ec learned the ins and outs of sewing machines. Girls in shop learned how to check oil and replace an air filter. Everything was explained as a process that you could learn and master if you just had a little patience and took a little time. They absolutely shunned euphemisms and obfuscation for everything!
YURGH, plastic applicators with those “petals” at the top – sharp bits of plastic to scratch and sometimes (shudder) to pinch closed on sensitive bits of flesh!
That all sounds excellent! It sure beats having to do things the hard way…like standing there in a drugstore aisle, squinting at the various packages and wondering if this was the right stuff to use. And being too timid to ask anyone (especially a male pharmacist) for help. Or puzzling over magazine ads and wishing they’d be more specific. And above all, wishing medical and science writers would devote some serious time to the issue. It seems the only media articles I ever got on tampons as a teenager were the awful “toxic shock kills woman” ones. And those incidents were incredibly rare, and linked specifically to one high-absorbency brand that was immediately pulled from the market. Horror stories are a lousy way to get a menstrual education!
Oh boy I can’t believe that no one has quoted the ultimate quote yet…
“IF YOU DON’T EAT YER MEAT, YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY PUDDING HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING IF YOU DON’T EAT YER MEAT!?”
😀
Adding my part to the tampon talk, applicators (plastic or cardboard) are more comfortable for me to use because of help with positioning (also I like the not coming out of tge stall all bloody like Lea said)
Gillyrosebee, you’re school sounds awesome. I wish more were like that.
It’s like poetry by Chekov. Not the author, the helmsman.
“I want to sex your wessel.”
OMG! 😀
More tampon talk: I still prefer pads when not swimming or something
I remember ordering vaginal dilators for a veteran back when I worked at the VA hospital. For some reason, they were classified as prosthetic devices, which is why my department got the request. It took a good deal of discussion between me, the veteran, the prescribing physician and the supplier – not one of our usual items, and definitely not a contract item. It didn’t occur to me later how curious it might have seemed to assign that order to the office gay guy, but in retrospect, I had a reputation for handling delicate issues with tact and courtesy.
Menstruation has not played a significant role in my life. I did read Connie Willis’s short story, “Even the Queen” a couple decades ago, which seems to be getting closer to reality sooner than expected. I wonder what my older son thinks about it (he is definitely heterosexual), but asking him just doesn’t seem appropriate at the moment.
The shape of my whole damn body makes using cups a horror show. I have small hands and short arms and a loooooong torso and vagina. I struggle to get a menstrual cup in place and retrieving it is even worse. On one fine day in a bathroom stall in a shopping mall I fought with one for twenty-ish minutes as it was suctioned tight to my cervix. When I finally got it off there was blood EVERYWHERE. I swear, there was blood on my head. The blood splashed out of the cup causing a blood tsunami. The stall looked like the scene of a murder. Never again.
I boil a chunk of sea sponge and pop that in for six hours, take it out, switch it for another, rinse the used piece and take it home to boil and use again. A fist-sized chunk of sea sponge can be your friend for months. Gotta make sure it’s a big piece though or I won’t be able to retrieve it. Otherwise, OB tampons. I don’t think there’s another brand of Ultra absorbency tampons sold in Canada. I have an IUD so, for eighteen hours, my flow is gnarly.
Oh, plastic applicators are the absolute worst. Not only do they have sharp scratchy edges on the head, they make an awful lot of non-biodegradable, hard-to-recycle garbage. And perfumes, deodorants, etc., all are not necessary on tampons, since they’re worn internally and there’s no smell that way (another great convenience). Cardboard is the best way to go, since it’s easily biodegradable, relatively soft, and can be flushed immediately. I can remember that Kotex used to use wooden sticks as applicators (similar to a giant cotton swab), but they stopped that and went plastic, so now they’re as bad as Playtex. And fingers-as-applicators (as in O.B.) is great for some, but with my small hands, proper positioning is a serious challenge. You shouldn’t be able to feel a tampon once it’s in, if it’s correctly inserted. If you can, it’s not in far enough. And nothing feels worse than the nagging sensation that a poorly inserted tampon could worm its way out on you as you’re walking…
Yes, something does feel worse than that! The realization (as you are getting off the train for your half mile walk home) that one has. Ask me how I know (no, on the other hand, please don’t *shudder*).
I assumed they used it as a swear because biting into gristle when you’re eating meat off the bone is really really unpleasant (one of the reasons I don’t eat meat on the bone). It’s also inedible and probably pretty useless in modern Neanderthal society.
Did those books get any better after the first one? I was so angry about both the rape-as-character-development and the sexual healing trope that I barely finished book one.
It’s a waste product, like pee and poop, and comes from approximately the same area, so I can see why a lot of people would rather not touch it. Our culture’s deep-seated aversion to menstruation doesn’t help, either.
If they’re all the way in I don’t feel them, but sometimes I don’t push them back far enough and they’re super uncomfortable. Maybe that was part of the problem?
This is my exact same story! Except for the shopping mall bathroom part. I got my period unexpectedly at a friend’s place and she only had cups. Everyone else seems to love them so I’m glad I’m not the only who struggled with them so.
For me, Tampax Pearl is the way to go. I feel bad because they’re probably horrible for the environment, but they’re the only thing that works perfectly for me and my periods are light and short so I don’t go through that me.
Does anyone else have 2 days of period and 10 days of PMS? I feel like that’s weird, but that’s how it is for me.
With me, it’s more the other way…2 days of PMS, 7-10 of period. Waiting for it to be over is sooooo dreary.
For that matter, what is the average length of people’s periods? I’ve only been having mine regularly since I was 22 (so for two years) because of previously-untreated PCOS (I was too scared to tell anyone when my periods stopped when I was 14, because I was afraid it was related to the fact that I masturbated a lot – woo awful sex ed in school plus sex-negative Catholic parents!) and I never had regular periods even before they stopped completely, so I’m kinda behind on the whole menstrual knowledge thing.
I have a hard time with tampons, though; my mom only ever used the OB ones, and those just do not work for me. I mainly only use tampons (usually the kind with a cardboard applicator, because it’s cheaper than the plastic one, which I find more comfortable but not enough so to buy if they’re not on sale, haha) if I’m going to be working or doing something strenuous, and even then I always use at least a lightweight pad with them. I have had NO LUCK whatsoever with cups; I find them hard to put in, outrageously difficult to take out without spilling gore everywhere, and really uncomfortable – more so than tampons, even.
Ok, I admit this happened to me as well (luckily I was at home).
I found it is more likely to happen when there’s more blood than the cup can hold i.e. when not emptying it soon enough. In the first day for me it means no more than a couple of hours.
Anyway, it’s interesting to read bad experiences with the cup, everyone I know who tried it was very happy with the change.
Encoded in the…gristle? That’s an interesting choice of words.
It’s so unintentionally funny when a pretentious asshole tries to be all profound and intellectual and falls flat on his face in the attempt.
TMI & tampons: About the only ones I can find where I live in the US are the applicator types. The only brand that doesn’t come with an applicator is the OB tampons. Applicators, I can take or leave (my own menstrual blood being one of the least gross bodily fluids I’ve ever had to clean up), but why do most tampons have to be so uncomfortable? It’s like they only expand in one way, and that way is the wrong way! I should probably try a menstrual cup.
I’ve never seen a tampon with an applicator on. Perhaps they don’t have those in Sweden (since I am, after all, 37 and have been using tampons since I was 12…)? I remember I had an American exchange student friend when I was twenty, and the first time she bought tampons in Sweden she came to me and was like “How do I insert them? There’s no applicator?” and I was like “what are you talking about? You just stick one in with your fingers!”. She was in the bath room for quite a long time before coming out, triumphantly, announcing that she had finally succeeded!
Oh, the cervical suction effect! I used to have problems with that when I started using the cup, but I figured out to un-suck it during insertion pretty quickly! I love mine, because since I have very light periods, I can leave it in for 12 hrs straight! I think I’m due for a new one though. I can’t actually remember when I bought this one…
On the other hand, most tampons (and some pads, too) give me awful yeast infections. Only the good old OB’s are tolerated by my picky vag. (OB’s work pretty well with long nails, too, since your nail is encased in the tampon during insertion.) And since I’m allergic to *every* topical yeast infection treatment, and natural treatments are either just as bad,or totally ineffective, I have to go for the toxic, liver ravaging, single anti-fungal pill solution, which I only hate less than having a raging yeast infection. Does anyone else here have troubles with the yeastie-beasties, and have either wisdom to share, or bitching to add to the chorus?
And yeah, two days of period, ten of PMS? I’m with you there. To make matters worse, I have a bipolar disorder. It’s usually pretty well behaved, thanks to an awesome psychiatrist and the right meds, but PMS can throw me into rapid-cycling hell every so often. I’ve offered a transgendered pal my ovaries, but she says she has no place to put them. 🙁
continuing the period/tampon talk
@weirdwoodtreehugger
I have pretty short periods, like 2 days of heavy flow and one day of light flow, but i can’t speak for pms b/c either i don’t have it or i don’t notice it
re: tampon applicators
I need those, b/c otherwise i can’t get them in far enough and they feel uncomfortable XD
TMI vagina talk, ect
My only weird vagina story is that, according to my doctor, my vagina is more down pointy than most. But she said it shouldn’t cause me problems, so yay there.
@LYoung
Though it’s important to note that not all women are born with vaginas, and they still experience sexism :/
@bluecat
Oh yes, there was one brand we had a while ago at my house, and the whole thing felt like trying to shove a lego up your vagina.
@daintydougal
THey help me get them in much easier.
@historophilia
Yes!! The tampons I talked about earlier that felt like shoving a lego up your vagina didn’t have the aplicator cover the top, tho it was doubly awkward cuz it started halfway through. But I think the aplicator makes it muuucccchhh more comftorable.
Meh that’s so blah. I used pads up until a couple months ago, and it wasn’t a maturity thing, it was a) a comfort thing b) a fear of toxic shock syndrome thing and c) a i-have-depression-and-cant-be-arsed-to-eat-soemtimes, much-less-take-out-tampons-every-couple-hours thing. Also just personal preference.
Yeah. :/ It’s not my cup of tea, but it still shouldn’t be considered gross. Tho I do hate it when people (not you, it was someonee else) try to make me feel guilty for using pads/tampons on the grounds that their bad for the envoirment.
@Luzbelitx
Silly question, and ignore me if you want to, but what’s it like using a cup?
@bluecat
whatever floats your boat, but I tend to feel what’s happening with *dun dun dun* my actual vagina.
Fingers and vulva’s feel differently, doesn’t mean vulva’s arent’ sensative. (Tmi masturbating) I think I’d notice if I could get off on pressing a backmassager on my fingers, anyway.
uhhh are you talkiing about you, cuz that’s fine, but applying it to everyone else is just creepy. I know what I’m doing here. relax. Not gonna scratch myself.
and I’m way behind, but posting this now so this isn’t too much tl;dr
tmi vagina talk,ect
@gillyrosebee
Ugh, eternal jealousy. I only had one ‘explaining what menstratution’ was (that I can remember) and it was basically ‘this is a normal thing to happen, and no, you arent dying.’ I would’ve loved if they taught us more at school, but I changed schools after that year and went to Indiana, where the sex ed is terrriiibbblllleee. Luckily my mom told me about pads and tampons and using advil for cramps, and a bunch of helpful stuff I wouldn’t have learned if I had different parents, because the schools couldn’t be arsed to tell us what was going on in our bodies. :/
re: plastic vs cardboard, I’ve always found plastic much more comfy, if it’s shaped correctly. But the cardboard brand I tried was really not comfy, so I may just have a bad experience with it.
@weirdwoodtreehugger
I have 2 day periods, but no PMS.
Another thing I like about aplicators is that they hold the string out of the way, which makes me worry less that I’ll lose the string and have to worry I’ll go to the ER needing help to take it out. I really thing this is just my strangly specific fear tho.
I actually love Tampax Pearl. OB is cheaper and more environmentally friendly so I rely on them. Tampax Pearl’s really, really comfortable though, both to use and insert. They’re my favourite to use while playing sports. Best soccer tampons.
I’ll try a cup again at some point, maybe after having a baby, but as long as I can’t reach more than a couple centimetres up my vagina, no way. My vagina’s long and my arms are short. I just can’t insert them properly without a huge ordeal. I love cups theoretically but in practice OH GOD NO.