Thanks for the suggestion, but I’ll only reach for that if I find myself completely consumed by anxiety. The 2013 floods taught me that I can try to redirect my anxiety so that it motivates me – most of the time, when it’s at its worst, it just consumes me to the point of making me inert. It’s nothing special, really; it’s just that anxiety induced by the recognition of a dangerous situation tends to be a double-edged sword. Anyway, I’d rather try to focus on my mind entirely without the aid of any anxiety remedies, as helpful as they are, because maybe I can engender some permanent changes in my mind by learning how to cope in the way I’ve described. In some twisted way, I see this as a potential learning experience, and that perspective by itself is a means of coping.
As for your mental image, I’ll note that I didn’t carry those two on my back; I carried my little-brother in my right arm and the cat in my left arm. =P It would have been amusing to carry them on my back, but I didn’t because it would have wasted a lot of time, and the flood waters were too fast.
In case you ever wanted to read more of my words, which, really, why would you, I can say that I read Warren Farrell’s The Myth of Male Power and his Why Men Are The Way They Are, and now I’ve written a few words about them.
I also included badly made gifs and drawings.
I think I’m going to make more of it all, because it is the only way the keening void that used to be my soul can experience a moment of succor.
Ally, so sorry you have to deal with the threat of floods again! But you’re tough. You got through them last time and I know you can get through whatever happens this time. Hopefully this will turn out to be a false alarm. My thoughts are with you.
Ally, I’m thinking of you too, and trying to ward off any floodwaters with my brainpower — which, given the state of my brain these days … well, you’re probably better off with sandbags.
Fibinachi, I know I owe you a link about the false rape accusation stuff. I have been near my laptop all day, but will try to get to it this evening. I’ll drop it here and in the Off Topic thread. Maybe you don’t even need it any more…
Sorry to hear all that, Ally. I hope things work out okay and that you’re alright!
I was a bit of the radar over the last two weeks, because job hunting, among other things. But I found a super chill desk job with two amazingly nice colleagues until at least the end of July, so yay!
I’ll get back to writing the sexual relationship between a chubby, no-nonsense, fierce red-head and a roguishly handsome assassin. It’s all hot and super consensual. <3
Good news! There is no longer a flood threat. The snow will not melt fast enough in the mountains to produce run-off water capable of causing floods; the temperatures here in Colorado are going to hover in the 20s to the 50s over the next several days (with colder temperatures obviously being towards the mountains.) None of that is conducive to rapid melting in the mountains. There is some icky wind right now with gusts up to 60 mph, but it’s nothing too bad. At most we’ll get a power outage or two and I’ll be freaked out by hearing the gusts blowing stuff around outside.
Meanwhile, my step-dad has asked us to do a huge amount of work outside – we have to plant about 237 trees total in the backyard, and we’ve planted about 20 of them so far. Even that small number of trees was enough to make all of us – especially me – extremely fatigued afterwards. I worked nearly constantly two days ago, and the resulting fatigue motivated me to “relax” by smoking weed excessively. Talk about a good recipe for an agonizing headache. X_X I drank some green tea (with jasmine in it, apparently) and fortunately it has helped me escape the worst of the headaches.
At least I’ll be good at planting trees by the time this is all over. We’re going to have to use some more efficient farm equipment to get all of it done, though as 237 trees is just too much to do all by hand.
Ally, glad to hear the good news about the floods!
Speaking of dangerous weather, lots of tornadoes in the central US today. (Though Joplin wasn’t hit this time.) Do we have any Mammothers (what’s the new term?) in Arkansas or Oklahoma? Hope everyone’s ok.
So I applied for a job in the surgery department last month. The department head e-mailed me back to say I wasn’t qualified, but would I be interested in this other job? I have an interview on Friday. I’ll take any luck you want to wish me, because I need to get out of emergency/critical.
And there’s not really anything y’all Mammothers can do for me at this point, but I just want to get it off my chest.
I’ve had some more repressed memories pop up (yaaaaay dissociation) from the Raping Year, so it’s just been kinda a brainhurt day. Like, I’m coping, I’m not in any deep trouble, hubby held me during my little meltdown last night. I guess it’s just that I’m so TIRED of my memory being like, “You think everything’s okay? YOUR HOST WAS RAPED TO DEATH AHAHAHAHA! ALSO YOUR PARENTS PUNISHED YOU FOR THIS AHAHAHA!”
Like, for years, I wanted to be one of those multiples WITHOUT the horrible operatic trauma history, and now I’m realizing, no, I really am just like those multiples in the trauma-porn books I read when I was twelve. We just hid it better.
I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY? Can I have NORMAL trauma now, like getting hit by a car or having my house flooded or something? Can I STOP having rape and homelessness and shit now?
Please? I’m only twenty-six. I want a chance to live WITHOUT looking like someone on the losing end of a morality play.
Bina
10 years ago
Ally, glad to hear you’re out of flood danger. Everyone in Tornado Alley, batten down whatever hatches you can, and stay safe. And LBT, hang in there. All the hugs…
Side note. I’ve been in touch with Argenti, and zie is doing well. Busy with other aspects of life, and so not possessed of much time to hunt mammoths.
@pecunium, Thanks for letting us know. Please let hir know we’re thinking about hir, and glad to hear zie’s doing well. And your wedding is soon! Yonkers! (I’m trying to get place names as exclamations to be a thing.) All the best to you all!
I remember two friends had a cheap wine tasting party before their wedding, and even with the best under $6 wine they were buying so many bottles… Big parties are indeed not cheap.
It’s really hot here, so I’m symbolically pouring a nicely viognier out for you and yours.
emilygoddess
10 years ago
LBT, that sucks. I hope you’re feeling better today.
Pecunium, thanks for keeping us updated on Argenti!
Well-wishers, thank you anyway, but my job interview was cancelled. It’s complicated, but basically the woman I was interviewing with decided she didn’t want me after talking to my manager. I’m pretty angrysad about it. Fortunately, my development coordinator is on my side, and she’s going to meet with me about how to get the hell out of this department.
Upon waking up this morning, I had a severe anxiety attack (for lack of a better term) due to nothing but invasive thoughts. I have no idea why, but I had these very frightening mental images of being raped. Again. Those invasive thoughts have been getting worse over time. I feel unsafe and unsettled, and most of all I feel mentally broken; I’ve never been raped or even gotten close to being raped, yet I can’t stop being triggered by such thoughts. Maybe it’s because I have been sexually abused before, but I can’t help but feel that I’m only having these thoughts because I’m an attention-seeker. And the sexual abuse was non-contact, so I feel like I have no right to consider it a sufficient explanation. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have the right to feel hurt by that sexual abuse because I wasn’t touched at all.
IDK. There’s just so much wrong with me. At least I’m seeing my therapist today. I’m sorry if I’m annoying anyone with comments like these.
emilygoddess
10 years ago
TW: rape, victim blaming
Ugh, I just read an article on HuffPo about a rape in which the man confessed, and there are still commenters wondering why we’re “just taking her [the victim’s] word for it” or some such nonsense. And that’s on top of the fact that he was 18 and she was 14, and that’s rape no matter who said what.
For bonus points, the assailant only got probation because the girl, having had three other “partners” and one baby by the age of 14, was “not the victim she claimed to be” according to the judge.
We Hunted The Mammoth
@Unimaginative
Thanks for the suggestion, but I’ll only reach for that if I find myself completely consumed by anxiety. The 2013 floods taught me that I can try to redirect my anxiety so that it motivates me – most of the time, when it’s at its worst, it just consumes me to the point of making me inert. It’s nothing special, really; it’s just that anxiety induced by the recognition of a dangerous situation tends to be a double-edged sword. Anyway, I’d rather try to focus on my mind entirely without the aid of any anxiety remedies, as helpful as they are, because maybe I can engender some permanent changes in my mind by learning how to cope in the way I’ve described. In some twisted way, I see this as a potential learning experience, and that perspective by itself is a means of coping.
As for your mental image, I’ll note that I didn’t carry those two on my back; I carried my little-brother in my right arm and the cat in my left arm. =P It would have been amusing to carry them on my back, but I didn’t because it would have wasted a lot of time, and the flood waters were too fast.
@Ally S: I’m sorry to hear about the bad news. Virtual hugs from me, if you want them, and I wish you luck; you are in my thoughts.
Hm.
In case you ever wanted to read more of my words, which, really, why would you, I can say that I read Warren Farrell’s The Myth of Male Power and his Why Men Are The Way They Are, and now I’ve written a few words about them.
I also included badly made gifs and drawings.
I think I’m going to make more of it all, because it is the only way the keening void that used to be my soul can experience a moment of succor.
http://fibinaut.wordpress.com/series/
Ally, so sorry you have to deal with the threat of floods again! But you’re tough. You got through them last time and I know you can get through whatever happens this time. Hopefully this will turn out to be a false alarm. My thoughts are with you.
Ally, I’m thinking of you too, and trying to ward off any floodwaters with my brainpower — which, given the state of my brain these days … well, you’re probably better off with sandbags.
Fibinachi, I know I owe you a link about the false rape accusation stuff. I have been near my laptop all day, but will try to get to it this evening. I’ll drop it here and in the Off Topic thread. Maybe you don’t even need it any more…
I haven’t been near my laptop…
Oh, I still need it and I’d love to have it. But not biggie if you’re busy-busy with other things, it’s really not super important.
I will get to it tonight, I promise!
Sorry to hear all that, Ally. I hope things work out okay and that you’re alright!
I was a bit of the radar over the last two weeks, because job hunting, among other things. But I found a super chill desk job with two amazingly nice colleagues until at least the end of July, so yay!
That also meant I had a little time to produce new stuff for the Conspiracy; shameless self-promotion in 3… 2… 1…. http://feministconspiracy.weebly.com/1/post/2014/04/feminism-hating-men-and-related-fairy-tales.html
I’ll get back to writing the sexual relationship between a chubby, no-nonsense, fierce red-head and a roguishly handsome assassin. It’s all hot and super consensual. <3
Good news! There is no longer a flood threat. The snow will not melt fast enough in the mountains to produce run-off water capable of causing floods; the temperatures here in Colorado are going to hover in the 20s to the 50s over the next several days (with colder temperatures obviously being towards the mountains.) None of that is conducive to rapid melting in the mountains. There is some icky wind right now with gusts up to 60 mph, but it’s nothing too bad. At most we’ll get a power outage or two and I’ll be freaked out by hearing the gusts blowing stuff around outside.
Meanwhile, my step-dad has asked us to do a huge amount of work outside – we have to plant about 237 trees total in the backyard, and we’ve planted about 20 of them so far. Even that small number of trees was enough to make all of us – especially me – extremely fatigued afterwards. I worked nearly constantly two days ago, and the resulting fatigue motivated me to “relax” by smoking weed excessively. Talk about a good recipe for an agonizing headache. X_X I drank some green tea (with jasmine in it, apparently) and fortunately it has helped me escape the worst of the headaches.
At least I’ll be good at planting trees by the time this is all over. We’re going to have to use some more efficient farm equipment to get all of it done, though as 237 trees is just too much to do all by hand.
Ally, glad to hear the good news about the floods!
Speaking of dangerous weather, lots of tornadoes in the central US today. (Though Joplin wasn’t hit this time.) Do we have any Mammothers (what’s the new term?) in Arkansas or Oklahoma? Hope everyone’s ok.
Hahaha, Mammothers. 😀 Can’t we just be Mammoths? Cause, you know… they sort of “hunt” US now?
I almost feel guilty for having perfectly nice, sunny spring weather over here in Belgium.
But yay for no flood, Ally!
Hoping any Mammothers in tornado alley are ok.
Pfft, tornados can’t pick up mammoths!
(But seriously, I hope y’all stay safe)
So I applied for a job in the surgery department last month. The department head e-mailed me back to say I wasn’t qualified, but would I be interested in this other job? I have an interview on Friday. I’ll take any luck you want to wish me, because I need to get out of emergency/critical.
RE: emilygoddess
Good luck! Fingers crossed for you!
[Warning: rape talk ahead]
And there’s not really anything y’all Mammothers can do for me at this point, but I just want to get it off my chest.
I’ve had some more repressed memories pop up (yaaaaay dissociation) from the Raping Year, so it’s just been kinda a brainhurt day. Like, I’m coping, I’m not in any deep trouble, hubby held me during my little meltdown last night. I guess it’s just that I’m so TIRED of my memory being like, “You think everything’s okay? YOUR HOST WAS RAPED TO DEATH AHAHAHAHA! ALSO YOUR PARENTS PUNISHED YOU FOR THIS AHAHAHA!”
Like, for years, I wanted to be one of those multiples WITHOUT the horrible operatic trauma history, and now I’m realizing, no, I really am just like those multiples in the trauma-porn books I read when I was twelve. We just hid it better.
I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY? Can I have NORMAL trauma now, like getting hit by a car or having my house flooded or something? Can I STOP having rape and homelessness and shit now?
Please? I’m only twenty-six. I want a chance to live WITHOUT looking like someone on the losing end of a morality play.
Ally, glad to hear you’re out of flood danger. Everyone in Tornado Alley, batten down whatever hatches you can, and stay safe. And LBT, hang in there. All the hugs…
It’s okay, Bina. I’ve had a lot of practice at this. Just I’m reaching the point where I’m like, “I get it! I GET IT! Enough already!”
Side note. I’ve been in touch with Argenti, and zie is doing well. Busy with other aspects of life, and so not possessed of much time to hunt mammoths.
@pecunium, Thanks for letting us know. Please let hir know we’re thinking about hir, and glad to hear zie’s doing well. And your wedding is soon! Yonkers! (I’m trying to get place names as exclamations to be a thing.) All the best to you all!
Oi… bought most of the wine, and the booze today. Even on the cheap a party this big ain’t.
I remember two friends had a cheap wine tasting party before their wedding, and even with the best under $6 wine they were buying so many bottles… Big parties are indeed not cheap.
It’s really hot here, so I’m symbolically pouring a nicely viognier out for you and yours.
LBT, that sucks. I hope you’re feeling better today.
Pecunium, thanks for keeping us updated on Argenti!
Well-wishers, thank you anyway, but my job interview was cancelled. It’s complicated, but basically the woman I was interviewing with decided she didn’t want me after talking to my manager. I’m pretty angrysad about it. Fortunately, my development coordinator is on my side, and she’s going to meet with me about how to get the hell out of this department.
[CN: rape, sexual abuse]
Upon waking up this morning, I had a severe anxiety attack (for lack of a better term) due to nothing but invasive thoughts. I have no idea why, but I had these very frightening mental images of being raped. Again. Those invasive thoughts have been getting worse over time. I feel unsafe and unsettled, and most of all I feel mentally broken; I’ve never been raped or even gotten close to being raped, yet I can’t stop being triggered by such thoughts. Maybe it’s because I have been sexually abused before, but I can’t help but feel that I’m only having these thoughts because I’m an attention-seeker. And the sexual abuse was non-contact, so I feel like I have no right to consider it a sufficient explanation. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have the right to feel hurt by that sexual abuse because I wasn’t touched at all.
IDK. There’s just so much wrong with me. At least I’m seeing my therapist today. I’m sorry if I’m annoying anyone with comments like these.
TW: rape, victim blaming
Ugh, I just read an article on HuffPo about a rape in which the man confessed, and there are still commenters wondering why we’re “just taking her [the victim’s] word for it” or some such nonsense. And that’s on top of the fact that he was 18 and she was 14, and that’s rape no matter who said what.
For bonus points, the assailant only got probation because the girl, having had three other “partners” and one baby by the age of 14, was “not the victim she claimed to be” according to the judge.
Fuck everyone. I’m done.
@emilygoddess, That story tossed me off the internet for a while. Victim blaming can override a rapist’s confession, even. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.