Oh, so apparently the person who did that is someone I know. He was trying to pull a prank on me. Ugh. At least I don’t feel unsafe anymore – while I hate his sense of humor, thankfully it means that he’s not actually a threat to me.
Ugh. I had the most horrible of all horrible days EVER yesterday. Stuff could not have gone more wrong and normally I’m all “meh, whatever! Life is totally peachy!” after this kind of stuff, but it’s one of those moments, you know. Trigger warning for serious sexual harassment and domestic violence.
Half an hour after I woke up, I got a text from a friend (not a super close one, but still) asking if she could come over and talk. I had things planned, but I asked what was wrong. I got some vague story about her boyfriend dumping her last week when he was really drunk, and then when she went to his house the day after to get her stuff, he had this other girl in his bed and he locked himself in his bedroom where he just started throwing her stuff out the window. So she got angry and sort of threatened to throw his guitar out if he didn’t stop. So he comes flying out of the bedroom and hits her with a chair. Like…yeah.
Needless to say I was making arrangements to go over there as soon as possible, and I tried to call her a couple of times. I didn’t hear from her for hours, after which she texted me again saying she couldn’t make it, I couldn’t come over, she couldn’t call, because she was at her parents’ and her ex had called them, and her parents were taking his side. I mean.. what? No really. What??
So inbetween both texts I was going about my day pretty damn worried, naturally. I walked into a store where a woman instantly told me I’d better leave cause they probably didn’t carry my size anyway (I’m like.. size 16). Then I was called a fat whore by some guys on my walk back to the car, and for the first time in forever, I had no clue what to reply to that.
I went out with some friends in the evening and some super drunk guy stumbles up to me in the street, basically just throws his arms around me and just.. stands there “hugging” me. I seriously had to struggle not to fall down with all that weight, and my friends were just standing there till I finally managed to push him away, and then they were all like “it’s not a big deal”.
So when I got groped by a random stranger in the bar we went to, I didn’t say anything, cause I wasn’t about to be told that wasn’t a big deal either. Maybe I should have, because that dude had friends. Friends he called over when I sort of just ignored what he did instead of saying something or making a scene. I don’t know why I didn’t.. I normally do, but I was already feeling way messed up and insecure because of the rest of that day, I guess. So by the time they gathered around me and I just decided to silently leave with my tail between my legs, I lacked the common sense to tell anyone I was leaving. So some of them followed me and shouted after me, and I just walked faster, stupid cow I am, instead of sticking near a place that at least had other people around.
I hardly know how to write this down. I haven’t really processed any of it properly. Some of them caught up with me. They didn’t really.. do anything. They just sort of terrorized me for a bit, if that’s the right word. Blocked my way, called me names, described some pretty nasty things they were going to do to me. One occasionally touched my face or my arm. So nobody did anything, really.. But I cried, I cried, I cried, and I begged and I felt like such a fucking weakling… Which really causes somewhat of an identity crisis, cause I’ve been through a LOT worse and I’m normally the tough, fearless, loud, mildly insane cookie who doesn’t shut up for anything or anybody and who’s almost always there with witty comebacks and a nasty punch if necessary. I HATE feeling weak and helpless and afraid. Dammit.
There. Thanks. Now I can start moving on for a bit.
@damselindetech: The good news is, according to my professor who has worked in the industry since the late 80s before she started teaching circa last year, many agencies have mandatory counselling for their investigators. The rest offer counselling, but don’t mandate it. It’s rare that one doesn’t have any therapy. And I’m currently trying to do what you said: I realized that I need to learn how to detach my emotions from cases after I saw how upset I was at the outcome of the aforementioned sexual assault case. I plan on going to my school’s counselling center sometime the coming week.
@Lady Ballsnip: I also like your name. I think I might actually understand how he was only found guilty on the lesser charges: There really was no physical evidence. For a few reasons, the victim had a hard time telling what happened until a few years later. In that time, she bathed, the blood in the bathroom got cleaned up (I wasn’t there to hear that story), her clothes got washed, many other things: Basically, at that point, it was impossible for modern-day forensic technology to pick up anything. As you may know, the point when you’re sure someone is guilty is far lower than “proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt,” the system used in the US. Of course, I wasn’t with the jury, so I don’t know if that’s the reason, but that’s what seems most likely to me.
@trans_commie – I am anger. I just… Wow. That is beyond fucked up and abusive. I’m mentally sending that person into a cornfield. Like… what a piece of shit.
@Angelica – I’m sorry, that sounds like an atrociously hard day. Holding on to all those mircoaggressions breaks down even the “strongest” of us. It’s not a sign of weakness to not be able to bear them all. It’s a valid, expected, and human response to so much bullshit. Sending lots of mental hugs if you’d like them.
The orange cat in the pic looks just like the Biscuit, who’s becoming quite the cat burglar. Not only did he abscond with my wedding ring, yesterday I found the thermometer and a battery stashed in the blanket at the foot of the bed, I busted him trying to put one of Mr. HK’s rings in there.
Sounds like he’s been reading about Koko and Yum Yum’s felonious activities in The Cat Who series!
If Mr HK grows a moustache, you might have a detective team on your hands.
@canuck_with_pluck
What damselindetech said!
@Alice
Jerkbrains are very hard to convince, and it doesn’t help when you’re getting the DO BETTER pressure at home (am I remembering that correctly?)
Anyways I’ll just add to the chorus: you’re intelligent and smart and funny and informed, and jerkbrain can go take a running jump. So there.
@Lady Ballsnip
I had the same reaction to your boyfriend’s behaviour as Fibi:
Ooooh hey! An entire conversation of: “So these are the reasons that my decision was completely the right decision to take, because this person is clearly not interested in my long term well being”.
He does sound like he doesn’t actually care about you much, all wrapped up in his wounded pride. Better off without him, and at least you’ve found out … not that that’s any consolation now.
@Ally
So, now you know yet another person to cut off from contact entirely, because he’s a shit. It’s like katz said, you’re a loser magnet. These fucking guys should be sent to an island somewhere with no phones and no internet and most particularly, no women.
@Angelica
Holy shit. I have no idea what to say just reading that. Internet hugs if you want them.
The guy has apologized for his behavior and said that he didn’t expect me to take the prank so seriously and be so frightened by it. I do forgive him, but only because I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t mean to hurt people with his sense of humor (although I have issues with it in the first place since he makes a lot of bigoted jokes). He also doesn’t really know about my anxiety issues and my history of being sexually harassed. None of this erases the fact that his jokes are wildly inappropriate, but it still matters to me.
My forgiveness, however, is only for my sake; I simply prefer to not harbor resentment against people. Thankfully, at his worst, he is just an insensitive jerk with a tasteless, bigoted sense of humor. Which isn’t to say that’s a good thing at all, but it means to me that he’s not unsafe to me. He has also promised to not prank me like this anymore. I mean, I’ve been pranked before and sometimes I actually find those pranks funny, but this one went out of control in ways that he never anticipated.
I was actually far more upset at my brother than I am at this guy (who happens to be my brother’s friend). I forgive my brother as well, but I was not happy with his initial response when I informed him of me finding out about the prank: “You really have to stop being so gullible!” He gets me now and has apologized, so I’m no longer upset at him.
First off, hugs to everyone who has been having a hard time. (Only if you want them. I also have some baguette and future strawberry lemonade cake and challah.)
Fibinachi, I might try the writing down positive things down idea. My therapist has me writing my negative thoughts down and trying to work through them, but I don’t think I focus enoug on the good stuff.
I’ve been struggling with my anxiety lately, in the ‘oh god I can’t go outside, don’t make me talk to people’ sort of way, and getting creeped on in the elevator last week made it hard to go out so I hid a lot.
And today I went to work out with a friend and we went run/walk/jogging. I’m feeling good about myself, feeling fit-and then there is a parade of creepy guys trying to talk to us. One guy slowed down and hissed and stared and then my brain went into ‘GO HOME’ mode and so I missed out on getting my nails done. *sigh*
Also, boyfriend is boyfriend and I am very attached to him. But then he thinks that there should be a disclaimer on pieces about Nice Guys that not all guys who creep you out deserve the label. I think he’s still hurting and knows guys who are actually awkward but are actually nice. Also apparently he said something to that effect on a feminist forum and got attacked, so he doesn’t like the feminist movement, even if he likes what it stands for, and calls himself a gender egalitarian instead. So I worry.
If Mr HK grows a moustache, you might have a detective team on your hands.
He’s got one! Biscuit could use a job.
Ooooh … does he get mysterious hunches that make his moustache tingle like whiskers? Do his random acquaintances get bumped off on a monthly basis? (Moose County in the Cat Who books is second only to Midsomer in its murder rate. Real estate agents must love the place.)
Just don’t tell Biscuit what sort of food he can expect as the next Koko. He won’t eat cat food; it has to be lobster bisque or roast turkey or caviar or …
Good thing his dad inherits millions. He needs ’em to support the kitties.
JJ – I can’t remember if I’ve asked this, but does he get that if you’re creeping someone out, and you find out you’re doing that, you STOP?
Does he get something else important: women cop this shit all the time, and it doesn’t really matter whether the Fifth Dude Doing This Today is a poor awkward maybe-on-the-spectrum type or not: you’re getting the same predatory shit, the same treatment as a thing to be hit on, whether he grasps that little fact or not? He’s still making it all about the poor guy’s feelings and taking no notice of how the women getting this shit feel. Is a man’s wounded NAMALT feeling so much more important than a woman’s right to feel safe, or is boyfriend not able to grasp how women feel about the matter? Does he not get that we’re the ones at risk of harassment, rape, or worse, and we’re constantly told to ignore our own feelings on the matter?
Practical suggestion: get him a copy of The Gift of Fear. The chapter on domestic abuse should be skipped (it gets victim-blamey) but it has a lot to say that men need to read.
Yikes! A parade of creeps. So sorry for everyone dealing with creeps and jerkbrain.
Angelica, that’s awful. I don’t know what to say, except that you shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed about how you handled it. None of it is your fault. Do you have someone you can talk to about this?
Ally, what the hell is wrong with people? Really glad you don’t have a stalker, but that dude who “pranked’ you is fucked up, and your brother is being an asshole about it. You’re certianly justified in being pissed off at him.
He gets that if someone says ‘you are scaring me, stop it’ then they need to stop. he just thinks that too many men get labelled as creepy who don’t have those intentions and then get socially shamed. I don’t agree with him.
He says he just wants to take everyone’s feelings into account, that he’s had friends who eventually committed suicide because they were vilified.. I think he’s talking about people who run in the same social circles, and purposefully ruining people’s social standing and self esteem because of one mistake. Which I don’t think is good either. I’m not talking about ‘this guy is persistent and won’t leave me alone and so I post on Facebook about it’, I mean really trying to ruin someone. I think he’s just sympathetic. He doesn’t think it’s fair that women should feel unsafe, but we shouldn’t ruin anyone. And that my experience isn’t everyone’s. I think he’s tired about talking about it, he says I’m interpreting everything he says in the worst way possible.
I’m lugging out the big barrel o’ hugs again, and leaving it in the middle of the room. Take a hug, leave a hug. If hugs aren’t your thing, there are penguins in sweaters, hilarious cheating bunnies, and a few clumsy kitties hanging around to give and receive affection or just look adorable.
maggiesausage
10 years ago
I’ll take one of each. Need it after kissing my mother goodbye before she got taken away in a hearse.
Blimey, JJ, sounds like he’s known some people who’ve had really shit lives.
Thing is, does it sound to you like he’s conflating different issues? The vast majority of men who’re creeping on women are doing so knowingly; if it were mostly genuine mistakes or guys on the spectrum they’d be doing it full time, no meal breaks. And overall, society condones men hitting on / creeping on women vastly more than it condemns men, let alone doing anything as horrible as driving someone to suicide. It sounds almost like the claims misogynists make of an epidemic of false rape accusations.
Does he think about what women on the spectrum, or just socially awkward or isolated or naive, have to go through? It’s not just the possibility of approaching someone badly and giving them the creeps; they’re far more at risk of being targeted by predators.
I know your boyfriend brings up genuine problems (some) guys have, but he really does seem to be making it All About Teh Menz, at least as I’m reading it.
Small but happy note: I’ve done my first pic of Mr K from scratch (new template and all) in months. Not the best ever – I don’t think it’ll be one of those I can sit and gaze at for ages – but I’m pretty pleased with it.
Angelica: I’m sorry all that happened and it sounds like you had the absolute day from hell. Seconding everyone, that it doesn’t make you a weakling. Those guys were assholes and I think terrorizing is the right word for what they did. Hugs if wanted.
Ally: What your brother’s friend did was was way inappropriate and not funny in the slightest. I’m sorry. And, yeah, you’re brother was being an asshole, too.
It sounds like he understands that he was being an asshole and apologized, so that’s good. Is this the same guy who was making inappropriate comments before?
maggiesausage: Sorry about your mother. My condolences.
JJ: Seconding what kittehs said, especially about having boyfriend read The Gift of Fear. It might help drive home the point about how threatening it is for women to be creeped on.
And silly puppeh, it makes sense to tear up the book (can’t have humans learning anything more about the Furrinati) but not to get caught with the remains!
AL3H
10 years ago
It sounds like some of you have been having a rough time. 🙁
Also, here is a video of a budgie being cute. Hopefully it helps:
@trans_commie
Yeah … that guy was very out of line. I am adding my vote to the severely not funny verdict. I am glad that people understood and apologised, but it even so, it doesn’t sound like a nice experience. 🙁
JJ, you could use the tried and true formula Intention is not magic, but you’d be left explaining what this means for everyday use.
Or you could give him the link to this legendary comment at John Scalzi’s blog.
“If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.
If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.
If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you’re stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot. If an event has rules designed to keep people from stepping on feet, you need to follow them. If you think that even with the rules, you won’t be able to avoid stepping on people’s feet, absent yourself from the event until you work something out.
If you’re a serial foot-stepper, and you feel you’re entitled to step on people’s feet because you’re just that awesome and they’re not really people anyway, you’re a bad person and you don’t get to use any of those excuses, limited as they are. And moreover, you need to get off my foot.
See, that’s why I don’t get the focus on classifying harassers and figuring out their motives. The victims are just as harassed either way.”
We Hunted The Mammoth
Oh, so apparently the person who did that is someone I know. He was trying to pull a prank on me. Ugh. At least I don’t feel unsafe anymore – while I hate his sense of humor, thankfully it means that he’s not actually a threat to me.
Ugh. I had the most horrible of all horrible days EVER yesterday. Stuff could not have gone more wrong and normally I’m all “meh, whatever! Life is totally peachy!” after this kind of stuff, but it’s one of those moments, you know. Trigger warning for serious sexual harassment and domestic violence.
Half an hour after I woke up, I got a text from a friend (not a super close one, but still) asking if she could come over and talk. I had things planned, but I asked what was wrong. I got some vague story about her boyfriend dumping her last week when he was really drunk, and then when she went to his house the day after to get her stuff, he had this other girl in his bed and he locked himself in his bedroom where he just started throwing her stuff out the window. So she got angry and sort of threatened to throw his guitar out if he didn’t stop. So he comes flying out of the bedroom and hits her with a chair. Like…yeah.
Needless to say I was making arrangements to go over there as soon as possible, and I tried to call her a couple of times. I didn’t hear from her for hours, after which she texted me again saying she couldn’t make it, I couldn’t come over, she couldn’t call, because she was at her parents’ and her ex had called them, and her parents were taking his side. I mean.. what? No really. What??
So inbetween both texts I was going about my day pretty damn worried, naturally. I walked into a store where a woman instantly told me I’d better leave cause they probably didn’t carry my size anyway (I’m like.. size 16). Then I was called a fat whore by some guys on my walk back to the car, and for the first time in forever, I had no clue what to reply to that.
I went out with some friends in the evening and some super drunk guy stumbles up to me in the street, basically just throws his arms around me and just.. stands there “hugging” me. I seriously had to struggle not to fall down with all that weight, and my friends were just standing there till I finally managed to push him away, and then they were all like “it’s not a big deal”.
So when I got groped by a random stranger in the bar we went to, I didn’t say anything, cause I wasn’t about to be told that wasn’t a big deal either. Maybe I should have, because that dude had friends. Friends he called over when I sort of just ignored what he did instead of saying something or making a scene. I don’t know why I didn’t.. I normally do, but I was already feeling way messed up and insecure because of the rest of that day, I guess. So by the time they gathered around me and I just decided to silently leave with my tail between my legs, I lacked the common sense to tell anyone I was leaving. So some of them followed me and shouted after me, and I just walked faster, stupid cow I am, instead of sticking near a place that at least had other people around.
I hardly know how to write this down. I haven’t really processed any of it properly. Some of them caught up with me. They didn’t really.. do anything. They just sort of terrorized me for a bit, if that’s the right word. Blocked my way, called me names, described some pretty nasty things they were going to do to me. One occasionally touched my face or my arm. So nobody did anything, really.. But I cried, I cried, I cried, and I begged and I felt like such a fucking weakling… Which really causes somewhat of an identity crisis, cause I’ve been through a LOT worse and I’m normally the tough, fearless, loud, mildly insane cookie who doesn’t shut up for anything or anybody and who’s almost always there with witty comebacks and a nasty punch if necessary. I HATE feeling weak and helpless and afraid. Dammit.
There. Thanks. Now I can start moving on for a bit.
@damselindetech: The good news is, according to my professor who has worked in the industry since the late 80s before she started teaching circa last year, many agencies have mandatory counselling for their investigators. The rest offer counselling, but don’t mandate it. It’s rare that one doesn’t have any therapy. And I’m currently trying to do what you said: I realized that I need to learn how to detach my emotions from cases after I saw how upset I was at the outcome of the aforementioned sexual assault case. I plan on going to my school’s counselling center sometime the coming week.
@Lady Ballsnip: I also like your name. I think I might actually understand how he was only found guilty on the lesser charges: There really was no physical evidence. For a few reasons, the victim had a hard time telling what happened until a few years later. In that time, she bathed, the blood in the bathroom got cleaned up (I wasn’t there to hear that story), her clothes got washed, many other things: Basically, at that point, it was impossible for modern-day forensic technology to pick up anything. As you may know, the point when you’re sure someone is guilty is far lower than “proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt,” the system used in the US. Of course, I wasn’t with the jury, so I don’t know if that’s the reason, but that’s what seems most likely to me.
…It doesn’t make the decision suck any less, though.
@trans_commie – I am anger. I just… Wow. That is beyond fucked up and abusive. I’m mentally sending that person into a cornfield. Like… what a piece of shit.
@Angelica – I’m sorry, that sounds like an atrociously hard day. Holding on to all those mircoaggressions breaks down even the “strongest” of us. It’s not a sign of weakness to not be able to bear them all. It’s a valid, expected, and human response to so much bullshit. Sending lots of mental hugs if you’d like them.
@hellkell
Sounds like he’s been reading about Koko and Yum Yum’s felonious activities in The Cat Who series!
If Mr HK grows a moustache, you might have a detective team on your hands.
@canuck_with_pluck
What damselindetech said!
@Alice
Jerkbrains are very hard to convince, and it doesn’t help when you’re getting the DO BETTER pressure at home (am I remembering that correctly?)
Anyways I’ll just add to the chorus: you’re intelligent and smart and funny and informed, and jerkbrain can go take a running jump. So there.
@Lady Ballsnip
I had the same reaction to your boyfriend’s behaviour as Fibi:
He does sound like he doesn’t actually care about you much, all wrapped up in his wounded pride. Better off without him, and at least you’ve found out … not that that’s any consolation now.
@Ally
So, now you know yet another person to cut off from contact entirely, because he’s a shit. It’s like katz said, you’re a loser magnet. These fucking guys should be sent to an island somewhere with no phones and no internet and most particularly, no women.
@Angelica
Holy shit. I have no idea what to say just reading that. Internet hugs if you want them.
@thread
Have an Ultimate Halloween Cat (aka Shorty).
http://youtu.be/-apnyFd0zZg
He’s got one! Biscuit could use a job.
The guy has apologized for his behavior and said that he didn’t expect me to take the prank so seriously and be so frightened by it. I do forgive him, but only because I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t mean to hurt people with his sense of humor (although I have issues with it in the first place since he makes a lot of bigoted jokes). He also doesn’t really know about my anxiety issues and my history of being sexually harassed. None of this erases the fact that his jokes are wildly inappropriate, but it still matters to me.
My forgiveness, however, is only for my sake; I simply prefer to not harbor resentment against people. Thankfully, at his worst, he is just an insensitive jerk with a tasteless, bigoted sense of humor. Which isn’t to say that’s a good thing at all, but it means to me that he’s not unsafe to me. He has also promised to not prank me like this anymore. I mean, I’ve been pranked before and sometimes I actually find those pranks funny, but this one went out of control in ways that he never anticipated.
I was actually far more upset at my brother than I am at this guy (who happens to be my brother’s friend). I forgive my brother as well, but I was not happy with his initial response when I informed him of me finding out about the prank: “You really have to stop being so gullible!” He gets me now and has apologized, so I’m no longer upset at him.
First off, hugs to everyone who has been having a hard time. (Only if you want them. I also have some baguette and future strawberry lemonade cake and challah.)
Fibinachi, I might try the writing down positive things down idea. My therapist has me writing my negative thoughts down and trying to work through them, but I don’t think I focus enoug on the good stuff.
I’ve been struggling with my anxiety lately, in the ‘oh god I can’t go outside, don’t make me talk to people’ sort of way, and getting creeped on in the elevator last week made it hard to go out so I hid a lot.
And today I went to work out with a friend and we went run/walk/jogging. I’m feeling good about myself, feeling fit-and then there is a parade of creepy guys trying to talk to us. One guy slowed down and hissed and stared and then my brain went into ‘GO HOME’ mode and so I missed out on getting my nails done. *sigh*
Also, boyfriend is boyfriend and I am very attached to him. But then he thinks that there should be a disclaimer on pieces about Nice Guys that not all guys who creep you out deserve the label. I think he’s still hurting and knows guys who are actually awkward but are actually nice. Also apparently he said something to that effect on a feminist forum and got attacked, so he doesn’t like the feminist movement, even if he likes what it stands for, and calls himself a gender egalitarian instead. So I worry.
Ooooh … does he get mysterious hunches that make his moustache tingle like whiskers? Do his random acquaintances get bumped off on a monthly basis? (Moose County in the Cat Who books is second only to Midsomer in its murder rate. Real estate agents must love the place.)
Just don’t tell Biscuit what sort of food he can expect as the next Koko. He won’t eat cat food; it has to be lobster bisque or roast turkey or caviar or …
Good thing his dad inherits millions. He needs ’em to support the kitties.
JJ – I can’t remember if I’ve asked this, but does he get that if you’re creeping someone out, and you find out you’re doing that, you STOP?
Does he get something else important: women cop this shit all the time, and it doesn’t really matter whether the Fifth Dude Doing This Today is a poor awkward maybe-on-the-spectrum type or not: you’re getting the same predatory shit, the same treatment as a thing to be hit on, whether he grasps that little fact or not? He’s still making it all about the poor guy’s feelings and taking no notice of how the women getting this shit feel. Is a man’s wounded NAMALT feeling so much more important than a woman’s right to feel safe, or is boyfriend not able to grasp how women feel about the matter? Does he not get that we’re the ones at risk of harassment, rape, or worse, and we’re constantly told to ignore our own feelings on the matter?
Practical suggestion: get him a copy of The Gift of Fear. The chapter on domestic abuse should be skipped (it gets victim-blamey) but it has a lot to say that men need to read.
Yikes! A parade of creeps. So sorry for everyone dealing with creeps and jerkbrain.
Angelica, that’s awful. I don’t know what to say, except that you shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed about how you handled it. None of it is your fault. Do you have someone you can talk to about this?
Ally, what the hell is wrong with people? Really glad you don’t have a stalker, but that dude who “pranked’ you is fucked up, and your brother is being an asshole about it. You’re certianly justified in being pissed off at him.
@kittehserf
He gets that if someone says ‘you are scaring me, stop it’ then they need to stop. he just thinks that too many men get labelled as creepy who don’t have those intentions and then get socially shamed. I don’t agree with him.
He says he just wants to take everyone’s feelings into account, that he’s had friends who eventually committed suicide because they were vilified.. I think he’s talking about people who run in the same social circles, and purposefully ruining people’s social standing and self esteem because of one mistake. Which I don’t think is good either. I’m not talking about ‘this guy is persistent and won’t leave me alone and so I post on Facebook about it’, I mean really trying to ruin someone. I think he’s just sympathetic. He doesn’t think it’s fair that women should feel unsafe, but we shouldn’t ruin anyone. And that my experience isn’t everyone’s. I think he’s tired about talking about it, he says I’m interpreting everything he says in the worst way possible.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m lugging out the big barrel o’ hugs again, and leaving it in the middle of the room. Take a hug, leave a hug. If hugs aren’t your thing, there are penguins in sweaters, hilarious cheating bunnies, and a few clumsy kitties hanging around to give and receive affection or just look adorable.
I’ll take one of each. Need it after kissing my mother goodbye before she got taken away in a hearse.
Blimey, JJ, sounds like he’s known some people who’ve had really shit lives.
Thing is, does it sound to you like he’s conflating different issues? The vast majority of men who’re creeping on women are doing so knowingly; if it were mostly genuine mistakes or guys on the spectrum they’d be doing it full time, no meal breaks. And overall, society condones men hitting on / creeping on women vastly more than it condemns men, let alone doing anything as horrible as driving someone to suicide. It sounds almost like the claims misogynists make of an epidemic of false rape accusations.
Does he think about what women on the spectrum, or just socially awkward or isolated or naive, have to go through? It’s not just the possibility of approaching someone badly and giving them the creeps; they’re far more at risk of being targeted by predators.
I know your boyfriend brings up genuine problems (some) guys have, but he really does seem to be making it All About Teh Menz, at least as I’m reading it.
@maggiesausage, I lost my mother recently too. Hugs.
God it sucks, sorry about your mother. Hugs back!
People here are dealing with some seriously terrible stuff. Hugs to all. If it makes you feel any better I can feel your strength from here.
Hugs, maggiesausage!
Small but happy note: I’ve done my first pic of Mr K from scratch (new template and all) in months. Not the best ever – I don’t think it’ll be one of those I can sit and gaze at for ages – but I’m pretty pleased with it.
http://kittehpics.deviantart.com/art/Happy-Smile-Leather-447180399
I’m adding a bunch of hugs to the barrel.
Also, guilty dog:
http://www.simpledeals.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/dog-training-for-dummies.jpg
And a baby orangutan:
http://www.simpledeals.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/baby-orangutan1.jpg
And heart kitties:
http://www.simpledeals.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/love_cats.jpg
Angelica: I’m sorry all that happened and it sounds like you had the absolute day from hell. Seconding everyone, that it doesn’t make you a weakling. Those guys were assholes and I think terrorizing is the right word for what they did. Hugs if wanted.
Ally: What your brother’s friend did was was way inappropriate and not funny in the slightest. I’m sorry. And, yeah, you’re brother was being an asshole, too.
It sounds like he understands that he was being an asshole and apologized, so that’s good. Is this the same guy who was making inappropriate comments before?
maggiesausage: Sorry about your mother. My condolences.
JJ: Seconding what kittehs said, especially about having boyfriend read The Gift of Fear. It might help drive home the point about how threatening it is for women to be creeped on.
Squeeeee heart kitties!
And silly puppeh, it makes sense to tear up the book (can’t have humans learning anything more about the Furrinati) but not to get caught with the remains!
It sounds like some of you have been having a rough time. 🙁
Also, here is a video of a budgie being cute. Hopefully it helps:
@trans_commie
Yeah … that guy was very out of line. I am adding my vote to the severely not funny verdict. I am glad that people understood and apologised, but it even so, it doesn’t sound like a nice experience. 🙁
JJ, you could use the tried and true formula Intention is not magic, but you’d be left explaining what this means for everyday use.
Or you could give him the link to this legendary comment at John Scalzi’s blog.
“If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.
If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.
If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you’re stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot. If an event has rules designed to keep people from stepping on feet, you need to follow them. If you think that even with the rules, you won’t be able to avoid stepping on people’s feet, absent yourself from the event until you work something out.
If you’re a serial foot-stepper, and you feel you’re entitled to step on people’s feet because you’re just that awesome and they’re not really people anyway, you’re a bad person and you don’t get to use any of those excuses, limited as they are. And moreover, you need to get off my foot.
See, that’s why I don’t get the focus on classifying harassers and figuring out their motives. The victims are just as harassed either way.”
http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/07/31/readercon-harassment-etc/#comment-346433
I realise that this is in the context of events and harassment policies, but it applies just as well to workplaces and social spaces.